A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? A: "Put it on my bill."
A man sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. He goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. But, the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down."
"So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."
"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
These three jokes are really old. Just like me. I'm always amazed that so many people have never heard them.
Number 1 There once was a homeless hobo in the city park who had to go potty. Since there were no rest-rooms nearby, he just squatted down in the pathway and did his business. Just as he was finishing, he saw a big policeman strolling up the pathway and realized he was in big trouble. So thinking quickly, he placed his hat over the little pile and held it there, and when the policeman came up,he said, "Oh officer, I'm so glad to see you. I need your help......I'm Professor Goodbee from the Chicago Museum of Natural Science and I've been tracking this extremely rare African Foo-Foo bird for two weeks and I finally trapped him and have him under my hat. If I could get you to hold the hat while I go get a cage from my car, we can both become famous for capturing such a rare endangered species." Well....... the policeman said, "OK", and squatted down and held the hat while the hobo took off as fast as he could go.........After awhile the policeman is thinking, "what happened to that professor?....I've got to get going on my beat.......I can't wait here much longer.......Maybe I can raise the hat and very quickly grab the bird with both hands"......So that's what he did..... He quickly raised the hat and made a dive for the bird..... then he stared at his two hands and said, "Oh, No.....Look what I've done.....I've squashed every bone in it's body".
Number 2 Pope Harry had been ill for a long time and had been examined by all the best doctors in the world. The doctors all agreed on the diagnosis and arranged a meeting with Pope Harry to give him the bad news They told him....."We realize this is going to be a terrible shock to you, but in order to save your life, we need to tell you. You are suffering from a fatal disease called Lackanookie. There is only one cure for it and that is sexual intercourse. Well.......Pope Harry was truly stunned........He wailed, "No....never....I could never do that. It's impossible! I would rather die......So all the doctors and staff reasoned with him and told him that the world could not afford to lose such a wonderful pope such as he. After hours of pleading Pope Harry told them, "OK....I will agree to this abominable act, but only under three conditions......My partner in this crime must be blind, so that she cannot cannot recognize me or see my pain........She must be deaf so she cannot hear my cries of anguish...........She must have big tits, cause I like the big tits.
Number 3 My old friend Frank Pavia told me this joke. He told me that when he was growing up in Boston, all the policemen were Irish, and when they finally got one Italian policeman on the force, the Italian community had a huge celebration. This joke comes from that Italian community. Once..... one of these big Irish policeman came upon a little Jewish boy on the street and said to him. "Hey little jew-boy, what do the Rabbis do with all the foreskins they chop off you guys?" The little jew-boy answered him, "I understand they send them over to Ireland where they plant them, and when they grow into big pricks, they send them back here to Boston and make policemen out of them".
A little raw but oh so true and funny hope this is ok.
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health insurance."
Recently, a women was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. (Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder). This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my flower tubs.
As I turn on the hose I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
I go to get the car keys from the porch and then notice mail on the porch table.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the bin under the table and notice that the bin is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think, I can run down to the post-box when I take out the rubbish I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in the computer desk, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of soda I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the soda aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The soda is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the soda, a vase of flowers on the window ledge catches my eye--they need water.
I put the soda on the window ledge and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my computer desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the window ledge, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but some spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
- The tubs aren't watered; - The car isn't washed; - The bills aren't paid; - There is a warm can of soda sitting on the window ledge; - The flowers don't have enough water; - There is still only 1 check in my check book; - I can't find the remote; - I can't find my glasses; - I have absolutely NO idea what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to work out why nothing got done today. I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all the darn day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.
After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together."
The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
Okay, you know Newton's Laws. But there are some laws Newton forgot to state in his life time! Here are the unpublished laws of Newton! Note: These things are just for fun. Don't take them seriously.
LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
For our daughters 5th birthday we bought her a rabbit. We couldn’t help laughing when on the way she announced “the rabbit’s name is Sparingly.” “How do you know?” I asked “look” she responded “it says “feed sparingly 3 times daily.”
...
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”
The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“
The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.”
> A father buys a "lie detector robot" that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to test it out at dinner. > >> > >> The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "OK, OK. I was at a friend's house watching movies." > >> > >> Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "OK, OK, we were watching porn." > >> > >> Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. > >> > >> Mom laughs & says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother. > >> > >> Robot for sale. > >
A recent obit in a Canadian newspaper: Mary Stocks Obituary Guest Book "I am sorry for your loss, your mother sounded like an..." - Elizabeth Acker View Sign
STOCKS, Mary Patricia (nee Morris) —
Pat Stocks, 94, passed away peacefully at her home in bed July 1, 2015. It is believed it was caused from carrying her oxygen tank up the long flight of stairs to her bedroom that made her heart give out. She left behind a hell of a lot of stuff to her daughter and sons who have no idea what to do with it. So if you're looking for 2 extremely large TV's from the 90s, a large ceramic stork (we think) umbrella/cane stand, a toaster oven (slightly used) or even a 2001 Oldsmobile with a spoiler (she loved putting the pedal to the metal), with only 71,000 kilometers and 1,000 tools that we aren't sure what they're used for. You should wait the appropriate amount of time and get in touch. Tomorrow would be fine. This is not an ad for a pawn shop, but an obituary for a great Woman, Mother, Grandmother and Great-Grandmother born on May 12, 1921 in Toronto, the daughter of the late Pop (Alexander C.) and Granny (Annie Nigh) Morris. She leaves behind a very dysfunctional family that she was very proud of. Pat was world-renowned for her lack of patience, not holding back her opinion and a knack for telling it like it is. She always told you the truth even if it wasn't what you wanted to hear. It was the school of hard knocks and yes we were told many times how she had to walk for miles in a blizzard to get to school, so suck it up. With that said she was genuine to a fault, a pussy cat at heart (or lion) and yet she sugar coated nothing. Her extensive vocabulary was more than highly proficient at knowing more curse words than most people learned in a lifetime. She liked four letter words as much as she loved her rock garden and trust us she LOVED to weed that garden with us as her helpers, when child labour was legal or so we were told. These words of encouragement, wisdom, and sometimes comfort, kept us in line, taught us the "school of hard knocks" and gave us something to pass down to our children. Everyone always knew where you stood with her. She liked you or she didn't, it was black or white. As her children we are still trying to figure out which one it was for us (we know she loved us). She was a master cook in the kitchen. She believed in overcooking everything until it chewed like rubber so you would never get sick because all germs would be nuked. Freezing germs also worked, so by Friday our school sandwiches were hard and chewy, but totally germ free. All four of us learned to use a napkin. You would pretend to cough, spit the food into it and thus was born the Stocks diet. If anyone would like a copy of her homemade gravy, we would suggest you don't. She will be sorely missed and survived by her brother George Morris, children: Shauna (Stocks) Perreault, Paul/Sandy (Debbie) Stocks and Kirk Stocks, son-in-law Ian Milnes and son from another mother, John McCleery, grandchildren: Lesley (Sean), Lindsay (Lucas), Ashley (James), David (Tia), Brett, Erin (Brian), Sean, Alex, Courtney and Taylor and great-grandchildren: Connor, Emily, Ainsley, Tyler and Jack. She was preceded in death by her loving husband Paul (Moo) Stocks and eldest daughter Shelley (Stocks) Milnes and beloved pets Tag, Tag, Tag and Tag. All whom loved her dearly and will never forget her tenacity, wit, charm, grace (when pertinent) and undying love and caring for them. Please give generously to covenanthousetoronto.ca "in memory". A private family 'Celebration of Life' will be held, in lieu of a service, due to her friends not being able to attend, because they decided to beat her to the Pearly Gates. Please note her change of address to her new place of residence, St John's York Mills Anglican Church, 19 Don Ridge Drive, 12 doors away from Shelley's place. Published in the Toronto Star on July 18, 2015 Print | View Guest Book | - See more at: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/thestar/obituary.aspx?pid=175314461#sthash.wN0YzNXZ.dpuf
Her son, the one who wrote the obit, was interviewed on CBC Radio (here in Canada). He said she had some Irish in her. She married a WW2 vet who had served in Italy, and he found the Italian food was not cooked enough for his liking. So he told his new wife he wanted his food well-cooked. The son said the liver was the worst. His mother cooked it to the point of leather. She liked border collie dogs, but when they got to be about nine-years-old, says the son, they started to ail. They still wanted to herd, but were getting crippled. She took them out to a farm for retirement and got a new border collie, a pup. The kids would come home from school and say, "Where's Tag?" She'd point to the pup and say, "There's Tag." There were a total of 4 Tags. There was a photo of her on the legacy guest book, taken when she was younger: a pert blonde, full of life, pretty in a forthcoming way. One daughter is like the mother, also a granddaughter and a great-granddaughter. Mary, if you feel like it, I'd love to hear more about your aunt. How would she put you in your place? You can tell I'm a writer — I'm fascinated by, and like, interesting people.
OK, here's one for all the ex nurses on this forum:
A friend of mine was in the hospital.
Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness. He was in the hospital, agonizing in pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, oxygen in his nose, wires monitoring his every bodily function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he was obviously in a life-threatening situation. The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"
Somethings to ponder > > : Ponderisms > O, if you have nothing else to do today, you can ponder over these things. And if you take a moment to read through them now, I bet you'll spend the rest of the day pondering them anyway!! Ponderisms Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Why Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place? No virus found in this message.
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. “Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
*****************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and,of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,"where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Why does the voice of a 4 year old have to be so loud and clear?. . . > Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. To sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, there were hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers, also. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was. ___________________________________ > An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr. Old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?" ___________________________________ > A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." ___________________________________ > A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" ___________________________________ > A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." ___________________________________ > At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
A man suspects his wife is cheating.......... Cheating wife....a good thing People Don Egerer <mrblugil@yahoo.com> To Don Juwann Today at 8:14 PM A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, "DON'T DO IT!
I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for your new 20 ft Ranger Fishing Boat .
HE paid for your Packer season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you do?"
The cabby replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.
Parents and son on a Nude Beach Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." Once again the son goes back to play.
A short time later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
This is not humour, but perhaps some here will enjoy.
Prayer is the Oxygen of the Soul by Andy Rooney
If you will take the time to read these. I promise you'll come away with an enlightened perspective. The subjects covered affect us all on a daily basis: They're written by the late Andy Rooney ( ex-60 Minutes USA), a man who had the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy......
I've learned... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned... That when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.
I've learned... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned... That being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned... That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned... That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
I've learned... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
A foursome of male golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore short-shorts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.
Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.
Yesterday I was at Costco, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story).
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
After the eighty three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?" "Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Bob, do we still have
intercourse?" And there was a hush you could hear a pin drop.
Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times....What we have is… Blue Cross!"
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Stroh’s, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Molson's and the Labatt's. I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a few of those. He didn't. By the time I decided he just didn't like to drink, I could hardly push the stroller back home.
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don’t have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don’t have a curfew.
I have a driver’s license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
And I don’t have acne.
Life is great!
Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this.
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe.
Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.
Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.
Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.
SO THERE!!
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
75 well when ya get as old as me things don't work like they should.................
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:
(Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin', Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break, When the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad. >>>>>>>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>> (Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it.)
Love the jokes Don and I had to laugh reading the one two above about wearing an old dress.
That reminds me of Joan Rivers doing standup about the same topic where she talked about Viagra and that the women were running away screaming because they didn't want to be set on fire.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
Lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99' ”.
The old guy obeys and says,'99'.
The doctor says, "Great, now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,'99’ ".
Again, the old guy says ,'99'."
The doctor said, “Very good".
Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold onto your penis to keep it out of the way.
Once again The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
The winners are:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.