old but still funn> IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER > > These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. > > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? > WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?' > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? > WITNESS: My name is Susan! > ____________________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? > WITNESS: Yes. > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? > WITNESS: I forget.. > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? > ___________________________________________ > > > ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning? > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? > ____________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he? > WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ. > ___________________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? > WITNESS: Are you shitting me? > _________________________________________ > (My Favorite) > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? > WITNESS: Yes. > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? > WITNESS: Getting laid > ____________________________________________ > (Another favorite) > ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? > WITNESS: Yes. > ATTORNEY: How many were boys? > WITNESS: None. > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? > WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? > ____________________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? > WITNESS: By death.. > ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? > WITNESS: Take a guess. > ____________________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? > WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. > _____________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. > ______________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? > WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight. > _________________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to? > WITNESS: Oral.. > _________________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? > WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished. > ____________________________________________ > > And last: > > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? > WITNESS: No. > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? > WITNESS: No. > ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? > WITNESS: No.. > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? > WITNESS: No. > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. > ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Why this ad? Dashlane - Always forget passwords? - Don't forget any more passwords. Get Dashlane, the world's best password manager 5 Minute Management Course Inbox x Millie
9:32 PM (10 hours ago)
to Richard
Remember folks----I don’t write’em -I just forward’em!!
Lesson 1 :
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologised 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity..
Lesson 2 :
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin. clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 4 A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
..........VIAGRA...........this is for..... ol don*
Hillary was the only bachelor in our Lion's Club a few years ago, and we were having a great discussion about the Viagra adds we were seeing on television. In particular, the line about "If your erection lasts longer than four hours, call your doctor right away". Hillary, who is usually kind of quiet, Shouts out...."What a bunch of baloney that is......... If I had an erection that lasted four hours, I would never ever call a doctor......I would call every girl friend that I ever knew".........
The following seems apropos of the cold weather some of you folks have evidently been experiencing "up North" -- and by the way, we're expecting a balmy 73 degrees today here in Florida.
******************************************************************************************************************************************* POWER OUTAGES, ETC.
As you know we have had several snow storms, ice storms and very cold weather. Last week we had an 8 hour power outage and you do not realize how much you depend on electricity until it is off. Thought you would like to know my experience without power.
No PC, laptop, TV, stove, lights phone & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone and iPad batteries were flat and to top it off it was snowing outside, so I couldn't even get out for a walk.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my husband for a few hours.
Nice to see you still active here Chipper New England Home My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared. One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."
Senior Texting Abbreviations Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code):
��� ATD: At The Doctor's ��� BFF: Best Friend Fell ��� BTW: Bring The Wheelchair ��� BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth ��� CBM: Covered By Medicare ��� CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center ��� DWI: Driving While Incontinent ��� FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers ��� FWIW: Forgot Where I Was ��� FYI: Found Your Insulin ��� GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low! ��� GHA: Got Heartburn Again ��� HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement ��� IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On? ��� LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out ��� LOL: Living On Lipitor ��� LWO: Lawrence Welk's On ��� OMMR: On My Massage Recliner ��� OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas. ��� ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up ��� SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop ��� TTYL: Talk To You Louder ��� WAITT: Who Am I Talking To? ��� WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again ��� WTP: Where's The Prunes? ��� WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil ��� LMGA: Lost My Glasses Again ��� GLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved “I love you, Sally”. On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars! Jerry said, We've got to give it back. Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday? Sally said, No. Jerry said, Shes lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, Don't believe him, hes getting senile The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One said: Tell us the story from the beginning. Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ... The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that!" "I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind, Two, you didn't read your homework, and Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
75 I wish you well,when I started my journey here 5 years ago,this site and all the folks here were very helpful,have no idea how I could have managed with out it but I believe its time to take a sabbatical if you will,my email address is listed so if ever anyone is in this area (mich) please get in contact I would enjoy meeting any and all,I wish you all Gods blessings
Sure going to miss you. You're a sweetheart. Since I don't plan to travel to Michigan, if you're up my way, be sure to get in touch. My email is listed.
God bless, ol don* and I wish you the best of everything. I come back often to the "Let's have Some Humor" thread and always smile at what you've given us.
A couple was going on vacation but his wife was still on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the mistaken widow checked her email she saw this:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Sure is hot down here. See you soon.
A police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists.
One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem.
A 10 years old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said “Radar Trap Ahead.”
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy’s accomplice: another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet full of change.
3 men died and went up to heaven. The guy at the gate said “The better you were to your wife, the better kind of car you’ll get.”
The first guy was very loyal to his wife and got a Ferrari. The second man fought with his wife so he got a broken down car. The last guy cheated on his wife dozens of times so he got a scooter.
One day the guy on the scooter saw the guy in the Ferrari crying. He asked him, “Why are you crying?”
He answered, “I just saw my wife on roller skates.”
An 80-year old man walks into the doctor’s office for his regular check-up.
The doctor says to him, “Ahh, Ted, how are you feeling?”
“Great,” says the old man. “I have an 18-year old wife, and she’s pregnant with my child.”
The doctor gives a concerned look and says to Ted, “Ted, let me tell you a story. See, I have this hunter friend and one early morning, he goes out hunting, but is in such a hurry that he grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, as he is hunting, he spots a lion. He aims at the lion with his umbrella and shoots at it. Bam! The lion falls dead to the ground.”
“What?!” cries the old man. “Why? that’s impossible! Someone else must have shot the lion.”
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one. Officer: Don’t have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can’t do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the liar told you I was speeding too.
Thanks for laugh out loud reading. Been down and decided to check in to read some. So glad I did. Thanks for being here. Ol' Don I hope you come back soon, we need your humor.
On his first day, the new CEO takes a tour of the main factory where the company's products are made - commenting periodically to his assistants on possible changes. The most common thing he notices is that most of the employees could be working harder than they are. Finally, he spots one guy who's literally just leaning against the wall, twiddling his thumbs. The CEO is pissed off and decides to send a message. He walks up to the guy, who doesn't seem bothered in the slightest. "Hey, you," the CEO says. "What are you doing?" "Just, sitting around waiting to get paid," the man said. Now the CEO is really furious. "Okay, well tell you what. How much do you make in a week?" The man shrugs, "I don't know, $200." The CEO pulls out his personal checkbook, writes a check for $400, and hands it to the man. "Two weeks notice. Now get out." The man pauses, thinks for a moment, and then leaves. Feeling satisfied, the CEO turns around to everyone, hoping the message has been received. "Well? Can anyone tell me what just happened?" "Well," said one of his employees, "You just tipped the pizza guy a whole lot of money."
well friend I made it thru the summer so time for a giggle or two
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions,you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?''
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started..
lol hi girlfriend,yes bad year for my tigahs,too many left school last season 9, and went to the pros,gonna take another year,I think if your coach loses another he'll leave,he can't handle losing,good to see your still around
I could'nt wait for Phranque Wittle Wabbit A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
a little humor...Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.
He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one.." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It is Colin Powell!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
You know how irritating mobile phone users are when they fail to exercise discretion and think the world needs to know their business? As the story was told ...
After a busy day, our friend had just settled down for a nap on his train from Waterloo as far as his destination at Winchester, when the chap sitting near him hauled out his mobile and started up: "Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozy from the typing pool, with the boss! no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc. This was still going on at Wimbledon , when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,
"Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!"
Patience A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And, her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The trooper asks: 'And her, what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'