A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
Bama, I don't know. People have been saying that to me for 50 years and I have no idea why.
I've gone to a boy's weekend for 36 years now and we've all spent real time with each other. For years the wives would ask how everyone was and we all answered the same. "No idea."
Also no one really talked about their feelings. So even though this was the place you could let your hair down no one ever said "I feel nervous about..." or "I'm unsure of..."; the closest anyone came was "I feel sick...".
On the other hand men can bond in an instant that lasts a lifetime. I've been in this argument numerous times. Women don't do that generally. They share better and become great friends. I think it's individual by individual.
I've worked with women that are tougher than me and smarter than me and more aggressive than me. I believe I'm different because I had a good mother who made me the only boy on the street who had to clean house and do dishes; but, she taught me to love the animals and be kind and that other people have feelings too and they're important. I turned out androgynous (?).
Before Alzheimer's my greatest respect was for a decent mother. Now in all honesty it's the caregiver. The mother takes on the primary nurturing of our offspring and our future; but, the caregiver puts aside their own pain and sacrifices their own needs in the face of hopelessness for prinicple and for love. Many of you are both.
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here; I'll go on a head.”
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said 'Keep off the Grass'.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and said, “I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turned to the other and said, “Dam!”
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One said, “I've lost my electron.” The other said, “Are you sure?” The first replied, “Yes, I'm positive.”
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
A young man returned to his home for the summer after his first year at college. He was only the second in his family to finish HighSchool, and first to ever leave the area for more education. When he arrived, after all the greetings, he dazzled his brothers, sisters and cousins with the sights he'd seen and his new experiences. Pizza, and machines to wash dishes and dry clothes.
After dinner his Daddy asked him to set a apell and tell him what he'd learned about at College. Knowing his Daddy wasn't entirely sold on his going to College, he tried to report interesting things he'd learned. Discussing what he'd learned in English went well; then he mentioned Geography. "Speak to me some Geograophy:, his Daddy said. He mentioned maps and GPS, and.." His Daddy interrupted, "You say you gotta have maps to know where you are and how to get someplace? And if that don't work,you depend on a little box of a machine to tell you how to get 1here after it gets the information from one o' them satylites we sent up in space?" All I gotta do is ask somebody whose been there. . ." and he shook his head
Thinking to redeem the situation, the son mentioned some more of hs classes. French, History, Algebra, and Geometry.
Speak to me some Geometry," his Daddy said. Thinking this should be good, he rattled off a basic of Geometry, "Pi r squared." His Daddy reared back and with raised voice said, "Boy, your wasting your time. Any fool knows pie are round...cornbread are square."
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle!Delete Reply Reply All Forward Move Spam Actions Next Previous
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way...Who's your baby's Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks... (The runner-up).
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have clue..
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. (This made number #1).
WHEN THE WEALTH IS REDISTRIBUTED THESE PEOPLE WILL BE THE MAJOR RECIPIENTS. __________________ The Right has become bigoted and willfully
Delete Reply Reply All Forward Move Actions Next Previous
Two nuns are driving at night through Transilvania when a Vampire jumps onto the hood of their car. "Quick, show him your cross" the nun driving shouts. The nun in the passenger seat leans out her window and yells "Get off the damn car!"
Have you heard of agreeable Caesar? He came, he saw, he concurred. ...
Two cows are standing out in a field talking. One turns to the other and says "Have you heard about this mad cow disease? Cows just losing their minds... Doesn't that scare you?"
The other one thinks for a second and responds "No, because I'm a helicopter" ...
A little kid opens a box of Animal Crackers. The mom leaves him alone in the kitchen for a couple of minutes and then returns to see a giant pile of crackers on the kitchen table. She asks "What are you doing?"
The little kid responds "The box said 'do not eat if seal is broken'. I am looking for the seal." ...
A polar bear walks into a shop. He goes up to order and says "Hi, can I get a fish and..." he trails off, waits for a moment, and says "chips." The guy at the counter asks "what's with the big pause?" Polar bear says, "Oh, these? I was born with them." ...
An ant, a spider, and a centipede are holding a party.
The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more beers. The centipede says, "No, let me do it. You'd take too long. I have a lot more legs than you - I can do it faster!" The bugs agree.
10 minutes pass... Then 20 minutes, then 30, then more. The spider asks, "What's taking him so long?" The ant decides to head out to investigate. He opens the front door and sees the centipede outside.
The ant asks, "Hey man, what's taking you so long?"
The centipede replies, "I'm still putting on my shoes." ...
I had a dream last night that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted. ...
And the Lord said unto John, "come forth and ye shall receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster. ...
Husband takes the wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
A guy bought a parrot, only to find that it had an absolutely filthy mouth. It would say things about his mother that would make a sailor blush. The guy tried everything to get the parrot to learn more pleasant vocabulary, but it only seemed to make it more lewd. Finally, the guy had enough and in a fit of frustration threw the parrot into the freezer. It cursed the air blue for a good minute, then went completely silent. The guy was a little concerned at how quiet it was, and opened the freezer door. As he did, the parrot hopped out, perched on his arm, and bowed politely, "I wish to apologize for my unseemly behavior as of late." The guy blinked, not sure what to make of this change in the parrot's behavior. Before he could reply, it looked up at him inquisitively, "Might I ask, what did the turkey do?"
A priest, a rabbi, two nuns, a doctor, a lumberjack, and six firefighters walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
One night in late October, When I was far from sober, Returning with my load and manly pride, My feet began to stutter , So I lay down in the gutter, and a pig came by and lay down by my side. Then a lady passing by was heard to say: "You can tell a man who boozes by the company he chooses," The pig got up, and slowly walked away. ,,,......Anonymous
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. "You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "I'm on the wrong bus!"
When a three-year-old opened a birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. His Mother was not so pleased. She turned to Grandmom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Grandmom smiled and then replied, "I remember."
A man wasn’t feeling well so he went to the doctor. After examining him the doctor took his wife aside, and said, “your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn’t have to do anything himself.
On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern “what did he say?”
“Well”, the lady responded, “he said it looks like you probably won’t make it.”…
Harry walked over to the Priest after services, “You know Father, I am really stuck in a quandary I would like to attend church next week but I just can’t miss the big game next Sunday, it’s just out of the question.”
“Oh Harry Harry” said the Priest putting his arm around Harry, “don’t you know? that’s what recorders are for.” Harry’s face lit up “you mean I could record your sermon?"
Senior moments"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ..."Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either.
One night in late October, When I was far from sober, Returning with my load and manly pride, My feet began to stutterr So I lay down in the gutter And a pig came near and lay down by my side. Then a lady passing by was heard to say: "You can tell a man who boozes By the company he chooses," The pig got up, and slowly walked away.
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ' massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ' How long have you been bedridden? ' After a look of complete confusion she answered, ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked 'So how's your breakfast this morning? ' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can ' t seem to get used to the taste.' . Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced A foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf , Detroit ,
7. A nurse was on duty in the ER when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . ' Keep off the grass. ' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path. Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments Lloyd, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"