Senators William . Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of China. The bill failed to pass, cheating the Seanate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.
A woman went to the Doctor and said "When I looked in the mirror this morning, I saw my hair was frizzy, my skin wrinkly, my eyes bloodshot – what is wrong with me?". The Doctor replied "Well the good news is that your eyesight is fine".
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
3. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
4. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
5. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
6. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
7. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
8. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
9. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
10. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
11. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
12. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
13. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
14. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
15. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
16. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
17. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
18. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
19. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
20. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
and finally...
21. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
**A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means? The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (This one is my favorite)
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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
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"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
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While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache..... When you open it, he collapses..... When he sees you reading it, he faints..... When he sees that you are living what you read, he flees..... And when you are about to forward this message.... He will try and discourage you.. I just defeated him!!! Any other takers?
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
When Pope John Paul II got to heaven, St. Peter told him he was lucky to be there. John Paul asked, "Why? What did I do wrong on Earth?" "God was angry with your refusal to admit female priests," said St. Peter. "He's mad about that?" the late Pope asked. St. Peter replied, "She's furious!" ____________ FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a CORVETTE than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they are in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then, neither does milk. _______________ Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?' The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'
A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City. The taxi driver, who happened to be an old Jewish man. He opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman, but made no attempt to start the cab.
She said to him, "What's wrong with you honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old man said "Lady, I'm not staring at you, I am telling you, det vould not be proper vair I come from".
She said, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He said, "Vell, I am looking and I'm looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
Since this seems to be the topic of the day I thought this would fit right inA man had just Boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh*t all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.
So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out "CROSS."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES.”
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" " Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. " Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
***************************************************************************** Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
Questions and Answers from AARP Forum: Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger, women who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction. Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live. Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true? Where can it be found? A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ." Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband? A: Tell him you're pregnant. Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles? A: Take off your glasses. Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face? A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.. Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car. Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem. Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses? A: On their foreheads. Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores? A: "Gosh, I remember these!" SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My dogs get their first checks Friday.
These might have been posted before, but I don't remember seeing them. I LOL!!!
Southern Humor Florida
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back. "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the rld."
Mississippi The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I got a flat tahr." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Tennessee A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head." "Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
*** Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.
By the way, I wonder if anyone else is having this problem. After I post a comment, I can't get back to the messages. I have to log in again. Don't know if it's my computer or this web site.
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.
We have 2 couples in our retirement complex from the south who moved to Maine after retirement - one from Virginia and one from Alabama. The couple from Alabama have children in this area, but the couple from Virginia had never even been to this part of Maine previously and have no children or friends in area.
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Convent of Silence.
The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.'
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'
Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'
'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.'
'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.
'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'
You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you. So what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.
Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need! Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered.
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.
And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.
And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at it.
Plus, and because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore. Is this a great country or what? PhotosATT000011.jpg Download AllDelete ReplyReply ForwardSpamMovePrint Actions NextPrevious
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked No Refills."
The following questions were set in last year’s examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) and they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed? A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans? A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections? A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids? A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age? A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen) A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section' A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?" The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.
Puns for the educated! Don't blame me I don't write them just post them.
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
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2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
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3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
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4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the Medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
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5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
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6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one Slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. -----------------------
7. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
Special Drug for Caregivers (We all need a little humor. Do not take it seriously.)
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to $#!@ for up to 8 full hours
It works best if you , open your mouth, swallow these imagery pills. Now closes your eyes and think about one of your fondest moment from the past. For one minute focus on this special moment. While this drug work on most people it may not work on everyone! If not, keep trying, the pills are cheap and refill bottle whenever! It doesn't hurt to try.
(Note: Do not follow these instructions in public! It could be hard to explain!)
WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK... I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk A carton of eggs A quart of orange juice A head of lettuce A 2 lb. can of coffee A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by the proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr Right.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the best of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
Every single word of this story is true. My husband has been going to DC since the end of last December. He made a friend there named Jose. Every time I pick Sid up from DC, he tells me what a nice guy Jose is, and have I met Jose. Yes, I have met Jose, I tell him. Today, at the Day Care's Thanksgiving dinner, Sid made sure Jose sat with us. I saw Sid's and Jose's names up on the white board with scores next to them. I asked Sid what game he had been playing. He said he didn't know, and asked Jose. Same answer from Jose - "I don't know." I asked Sid if he helped make the placemats, which were obviously made as a craft project by the Day Care attendees. He said no. He asked Jose if they made them. "I don't know." was the answer. During lunch, they talked to each other, asking one another questions. To answer each other's questions, they both shrugged their shoulders, and said "I don't know." And when we were leaving, Sid asked me if I had met Jose. Yes, I told him I had met Jose. And Jose said to me, "Bye. Nice meeting you."
Yes, we have to laugh! When I picked DH up from DC today, I asked him how his day was. He said, It was okay, but some of these people just don't have it together". I asked him which people and he said, "whoever is running this place".! Truer words.....
His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------------------ Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store----- Stop'N Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia ---------------------------- U Gogh His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half-brother --------- Gring Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach -------------- Wells-far Gogh The constipated uncle -------------------------------------- Can't Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------------------- Tang Gogh The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking ---------------- Way-to-Gogh The little bouncy nephew ------------------------------------ Poe Gogh A sister who loved disco -------------- ------------------------- Go Gogh The brother with low back pain-----------------------Lum Bay Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh
Lets be puurfectly Phranque,where ya been? I need some help here,get the blue one back together? Really sorry about that,good to see you still check in
These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!
JACK (age 3)was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'
STEVEN (age 3)hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4)was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough...'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing ina restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dadread:'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked:'What happened to the flea?'
Kids say the darndest things...
The sermon I think this Mom will never forget... This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward Heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without You, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?
Kudos to the wonderful sense of humor displayed by my dearest friend's family in the face of sadness. I have been friends with R since the first grade. Her mother raised 6 children and buried 2. She was the tower of strength for her family. One of her greatest loves, besides her family, was her car. She loved to drive. She drove everywhere and she drove everyone everywhere. She volunteered to drive the blind for 40 years. Due to advancing age, weak eyesight, and immobility that required a walker, she, at age 88, moved in with her daughter. To placate her, her daughter J, let her license be renewed. Everytime after that, whenever I saw Mom, she would proudly tell me that "I can still drive". She could not see, walk, or remember anything from one minute to the next, but in her mind, she could still drive.
Yesterday, with her surviving children by her side, Mom passed away peacefully. Laid out in her casket, in her best dress, her license is in her hand, with a note next to it that says, "I can still drive!!!!".