Great to come here and have a good laugh and forget things for a while.. Here's one from me..
DH and I were in grocery store, browsing up and down the isles, picking up things we wanted. Came to the pet food isle..DH with his wicked sense of humour shouts out for everyone to hear.."oh no, not Pal again...lets try Wiskers this time, I'm getting sick of Pal"....heard a few giggles from other shoppers!
We don't have a pet...Sure miss this side of him..
Cauterize: Make eye contact with her. Dilate: To live longer. GI series: World series of military basebell. Medical staff: A docotr's cane. Morbid: A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates. Node: Was aware of. Pelvis: Second coussin to Elvis.
A couple out Christmas shopping and after a few hours the husband suddenly dissapears an wife can't find him anywhere,finally she gets her cell phone an calls an asks where the hell are you I've been looking for almost an hour,husband says remember that jewelry store I took you to before we were married an that beautiful diamond ring that I said I couldn't afford an someday I will buy it for you,why yes the wife replied with a smile on her face,husband says well I'm in the bar next door
An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria. ____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using the tables. __________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. ____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I ' MILLIE: I is... TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand..... ______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher __________________________________
a hillbilly couple stops at a rather plush hotel an the husband tells the desk clerk they'd like the nicest biggest room they have because its a special day,they just got married an its their honeymoon,the clerk says would you like the bridal? No the husband replies I'll just hold her ears til she gets use to it
In a small southern town in Texas there was a nativity scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature stood out. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, a visitor decided to ask a local what it meant. At a shop on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage: ‘People these days never do read the Bible!’ The visitor assured her that he did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in his face she said, ‘See, it says right here, “The three wise man came from afar.”’
Tech Support: Okay Bob, press the control and escape keys at the same time.That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.Now, type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager. Customer: I don't have a 'P'. Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean? Tech Support: 'P' . . . on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE,
THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO
FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK
I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL TH E REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.. DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy..........,"It's a puppy!" __________________
Well here is a true story..just happened. Two days ago, I got a skype message from our daughter in Iceland telling us the Valentine arrived. But strangely, the envelope was open and within the card was a bill sent to PG&E from a Mr. D. What? Yep..an electric bill made it all the way to Iceland! So the kids gave me the name on the return address and yesterday I mailed a note to Mr. D to let them know where the payment ended up and I did not know how long it might take for the check to return to the US to be sent to PG&E. Then this afternoon Mrs. D came to the house, our phone no I guess, tho not unlisted, is not in the phone book either..go figure....she was grateful but wondered what happened to her check..I said as I understand it her envelope is in tact but I don't know how long it might be for it to come back and the best thing to do is notify her bank and PG&E..she had done that. Then the strangest twist..her DH is in an ALZ facility ! Not funny about her husband but I met a nice lady and told her about our group here in town so she won't have to drive 30 min or so to go to a monthy mtg when she can go for 10 min to our location in town!
This morning I went over to the ALF for a nice visit with DH. We were sitting in his room when he looked around and said, "This is a very nice room. How long have you lived here?"
These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. -------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' -------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. -------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. -------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. -------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. -------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. -------------------------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. -------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. -------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. -------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. -------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. -------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. -------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.. -------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. -------------------------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. -------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. -------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. -------------------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. Is done. -------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. -------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. -------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. -------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
Two little five year old boys were playing outside when one went in the house an asked his grandfather,"what do they call it when two people are in bed an one is on top of the other? The grandfather flustered said "Ah they call that sexual intercourse" little boy goes back outdoors,a few minutes later he comes running in to his grandfather an says thats not the right answer they call it bunk beds an Jimmys mother wants to talk to you right now
The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest level of language development.
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it !
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? ... His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, this is so bad, it's good…..) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did !!.
A lovely european commercial about the uses of an Ipad. It's in German not that it needs a lot of translation but she says "So dad, I never asked, how do you like the Ipad I gave you?" and at the end he asks her "What's up?"
Humour is a complex thing. In my mind it's right next door to inspiration.
And when I need real inspiration I always go right here and I remind myself no one knows what we can do and no one should judge a book by it's cover. I keep this high on my favourites. It reaches places no wit can for me and if I were you I would mark it when you play it as a favourite. It never, ever misses for me.
The gal at the ALF usually gets my husband up in the morning and into the bathroom where she backs him up to the toilet and quickly pulls his pj bottoms down before he can resist by hanging onto his bottoms. She usually has to be on her knees to get this done. Today when she pulled them down there were no depends on as they had fallen down around his knees. She made a little gasp of surprise to not see the depends and he said, "Yah, I know," with a look like "I get that all the time." Even in telling me she was red-faced with embarrassment, hee hee hee.
So, Jules, just a question. Are we talking about your husband having a trouser snake the size of a buick and he get's those looks all the time or are we talking about someone forgot the tent for the children and THAT's what he meant by "I get that all the time" when he rolled his eyes. I'm just asking.
Or maybe I can ask this a different way. Do you have any family photos where you're NOT smiling? Again, I'm just asking to set the record straight.
Just to be clear, I'm not making juvenile references to the fact that your husband may have a tree branch growing out of his shorts or childish things like when Gustaffson's dad in Grumpy Old Men watches Chuck going up to Ann Margaret's house quipping "there goes old one eye to see the optomitrist".
It's just that most people aren't that bored when someone stares at their johnson and comments "I get that all the time" like they usually sell tickets or something. What is he? In the Smithsonian? In the guiness book of records? On the Donahue show?
Actually the residence called me this week. They have to file a report because one of the inmates touched my wife's breast and they seemed very concerned about it. I asked if in their opinion this person could form intent or even know what planet he was on. Before she could answer I told her the story of how I used to stick them in my eyes and cry out "up periscope!". She asked if she could put in the report that I was unconcerned. Um hm.
Cop car is cruising lovers lane and sees a car parked over by the grass. Police officer decides to have a look and walks up to the car window where a young man is reading a magazine. He glances over at the young lady in the passenger seat who is doing her nails.
"How old are you son?" he asks. "Eighteen sir" he answers politely.
"And how old are you young lady?" he asks peering in. "Seventeen" she answers smiling.
"What are you two doing here?" the cop asks looking down at the sports magazine.
"Waiting." the young lady answers.
"For what?" the cop asks. "For her to turn eighteen" the young man says.
just saw a news story out of Miami,the local news reported stopping three boats with over 300 senior citizens on board,they were caught going to Cuba,when asked why they would leave Miami for Cuba authorites were told they wanted to return as illegals an get the same benefits illegals would get which would be much more than they were recieving as US citizens
A motorist traveling thru an indian reservation sees an old man with his ear pressed to the road,curious he stops an the old man says,"white station wagon,woman driving,3 kids an a dog" the motorist is amazed an asks" wow you can tell that by listening to the road?" No she ran over me 5 minutes ago!
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
In a hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.. A nurse noticed his predicament Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red onelabelled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.." > > > > MEN NEVER LISTEN
Don't blame me. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out it was only an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: to transcend dental medication.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. There was this person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.