An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee...... The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere And then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling Another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to The waiter
"Want coffee." The waiter says "Whoa! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, Leave s--- for others to clean up, and then Disappear for rest of day."
A man was driving around the back woods of Montana, and saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."He knocked on the door; and the owner appeared, telling him the dog is in the backyard.
The man walked into the backyard, and saw a nice-looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asked.
"Yep," the Lab replied.
After the man recovered from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he said "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looked up and said, "Well, I
discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies; and now I'm just retired."
The man was amazed. He returned to the owner, and asked what he wanted for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the owner replied.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."
An old farmer wrote to his son in prison. " This year I won't be able to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground, I know if you were here u would help me." The son wrote: " Dad don't think of digging the ground because that's where I buried the guns " Police reads the letter and the very next day, the whole ground was dug by police looking for guns but nothing was found. The next day the son wrote again " Now plant your potatoes dad, it's the best I could do from here!
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE: 1. Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle. 2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastards name. 3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again. 4. Many people are alive only because its illegal to shoot them. 5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
In honor of Phranque*'s wonderful sense of humor, even in the face of tragedy, I dedicate this to him.
The Alzheimer's Association is looking for ideas for fundraisers. I guess walking 3 miles in the Memory Walk isn't good enough for them. Sooooo, they sent a out a survey asking our opinion on what event they should sponser next. The first part of the survey asked if we had ever done any of these:
Marathon
10K or ½ marathon (walking or running)
Walking or running 6 miles or more
Bike event of 50 miles or more
Long distance swim
Triathlon
Mountain climbing/hiking for 4 hours or more
36 holes of golf or more in one day
Some kind of team event (volleyball, soccer, basketball, bowling, etc) for 4 hours or more
Dance marathon
None
The second part of the survey asked which of these events we would "never consider", "might consider", "definitely consider".
Well, I surely think that after a full 24 hour day of caregiving, I would "definitely consider" mountain climbing for 4 hours or more. What about you?
I do not make up this stuff. For proof, copy and paste - http://www.surveygizmo.com/s3/606528/New-Signature-Event-Concept
Joan--With my advanced Charcot-Marie-Tooth Disease--soon to start using a power chair part-time, and Caregiver to DH Stage 6 VaD, I think the best event for me would be a Triathlon.
Actually, my choice would be a Read-a-thon or knit-a-thon. Better yet--a Sleep-a-thon.
The Dance Marathon sounds like fun to me. A few fancy steps around the kitchen should be doable for me. DH might enjoy that since he has been asking the bath giirls to dance.
I saw that survey and told them what I thought....biking, climbing, swimming, golf, dancing......so so so very easy!!!!!!! How about doing an 4 hour shift as an alz caregiver, or walking 1 mile with an alz patient, or a two hr nursing home visit, or reading to an alz patient for 4 hrs, or shopping with an alz patient...or any other activity with an alz patient....anyone who could even complete the event would be hailed as a hero...They could even charge a $5.00 admission charge to watch these fundraisers taking care of a patient... Not only would it be interesting and fun to watch, they would raise so much more awareness, and I think people would pay to watch this...then, not only would their pockets overflow, but they would get a huge awakening awareness..... Stay tuned for the reality caregiving competition....the blue team with incontinence, the red team with sundowning, or the blue team with physical agitation???
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box… gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. . . Bob has been missing since Friday!...Bahahahaha
Dr. apologized for running quite late this morning, explaining that he'd gotten caught up in a chronic pain case--very difficult. I responded, "I have some understanding of that---have one at home."
Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the
Time nothing happens." "Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"
A husband finish's reading a book "How to be the man of your own Home",calls to his wife from now on my word is the law,you will prepare a gourmet meal for me anytime at my request,an also a sumptuous dessert,you will tend to my every need,you will bathe me,towel dry me,message my feet while I relax.Then tomorrow guess who will dress me an comb my hair? The wife thinks for a second an replies,the funeral director would be my first guess.
Remember, stressed spelled backwards is desserts :)
OK..so it is not funny....but I am trying my best.......This thread needs more activity...You all take this disease way too seriously... I hear that it is only a memory disease, and it can be cured by Namenda and aricept...yeah..I watch commercials.
on old couple sitting at the breakfast table on their 50th anniversery,when wife says remember how 50 years ago we couldn't get enough of each other sometimes we'd never get dressed all day the husbands says yes I remember those days fondly,his wife asks do you want to do it again for old times sake,he thinks it over an agrees an they both strip ,they sit there for a few minutes an the wife says my breasts are still hot for you,husband looks at her an says I'm not surprised ones in your coffee an the other is in your oatmeal
Have you noticed the Amazon add for Tena briefs on Amazon's AlzSpouse sidebar--or product description in Amazon's site? You can get a discount if you purchase them "used." And that's the truth, I guess. I try to be frugal, but I do have limits.
At the sunday service the preacher asks if anyone needs special prayers come to the communion rail an kneel,ol Leroy shuffles up the rail kneels down an the preacher asks what he would like them to pray for an Leroy say my hearing,so the preacher puts his hand on Leroys right ear an prays a blue streak,then he puts his hand on Leroys left ear an agin prays like a man posessed,when he finish's he asked Leroy,"Hows your hearing now? Leroy says I don't know it ain't til next thursday
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?' Al said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.' Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.' Scott said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving'!
Arthur is 85 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a ninety two. He can't help."
"He may be a ninety two," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
Tom an Ellen make it a point to go to the fair every year an do all the rides except the plane rides,Tom always asks Ellen if they can go but she insists the ten dollars is way to much but every year he asks an always gets the same answer no ten dollars is ten dollars,the pilot is aware of Toms fantascy so one year he tells Tom listen if you'll not say a word while I go thru all my tricks,dives,upside down flying an loop de loops without saying a word I'll take ya both up for nothing,so away they go when they land the pilot says I can't believe you did it,Tom replies well I was gonna say something when Ellen flew out but ten dollars is ten dollars
I am so excited that some of you took the time to share a few laughs,...this disease is way too serious, and needs to be laughed at a bit more....thanks for the laughs
An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doggie do now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull crap and brilliance only come with age and experience.
A pharmacy owner gives his employees a sales pep talk in efforts to increase revenue. He encourages his employees to try 'combination sales'.... "if a customer is buying toothpaste, sell him toothbrushes as well, conditioner to go along with their shampoo....and so on".
Next day he overhears one of his employees pushing a sale of fishing bait to a man who is buying tampons for his wife. Confused & frustrated, he asks the clerk ....."why the heck would you try to sell fishing bait to a customer buying tampons?"
"Well", replies the clerk "I figured if there was nothin' goin' on at home this weekend, he might as well go fishin'"
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back.
DH and I were sitting in the doctor's office one day this week waiting for the doctor to come in. DH looked around the room and said "You know, we could fix a room like this in our basement where we could work on people....I could hold them down while you work on them." I had to share this with the doctor when he came in.
I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready ;for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then........ You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case
Had to share this one (not responsible if you spit soda or coffee on your keyboard): This is for everyone who works retail, has ever worked retail, or has had their fill of stupid people.... I was at WalMart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Better watch what you ask me and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say........................ now that you've read it I have to confess, I copied it from someone else
Oh, bluedaze, you really got me on that one! Here I thought of you as a loving, caring, nurse and how could you do something like that? My faith in you was restored when you said it was copied. Love you and your sense of humor.
I was walking through our tiny house with my hands full of mail. My wife (early onset) loves the mail. She sees me and says, "What's that?"" "Just a bunch of lousy bills" I reply. Minutes pass with no sound from her. Then urgently, "Who's Bill?"
Also how about this: my dear wife puts sticky messages in the freezer. And they stick!
So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you, what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Congressmen.
More than likely, you will sent to prison! You will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heat & air + all the health care you’d ever need! Need new teeth, glasses, knee,
hip, lung or heart replaced, no problem at all! They're all covered. As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.
Who will be paying for all of this? It's the same government that just told you that you they cannot afford to pay for you to go into a nursing home.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore. Is this a great country or what?
Good advice Bama! I will remember this if and when we have problems with placement. Hmmm...though it has to be DH that commits the crime. I am sure we can come up with something...
Bama, I disagree........it's hilarious! Actually it WOULD be hilarious if it weren't so true. It's just another concept the powers that be are clueless about!