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    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTimeSep 24th 2018
     
    Laughs for the Day:

    ♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.
    Not to cause any trouble....but shouldn't that be an even number?

    ♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue
    stand for freedom, until they are flashing behind you.

    ♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
    Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

    ♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra.
    Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

    ♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the
    ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote.

    ♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you fall in love with someone?
    That's common sense leaving your body.

    ♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
    We'll see about that!

    ♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer.
    I saw it through my telescope last night.

    ♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

    ♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

    ♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive,
    try missing a couple of payments.

    ♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.
    Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

    ♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house
    you can go in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.

    ♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

    ♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married.
    Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.
    The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTime7 days ago
     
    Jokes For The Weekend
    Thanks to Colin H

    I walked into the pet shop and said, “I bought two hamsters from you yesterday, this morning they were both dead.”
    She said “did you give them plenty of water like I suggested?”
    I said “Yes, I filled their tank right to the top.”

    Some guy stopped me in the street and asked “Why are you carrying a 9ft book?”
    I replied... “It’s a long story.”


    I've been having sex with my boss.
    It's one of the many benefits of being self-employed.



    I have sex with my wife almost every day!
    Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...


    Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his ass?
    Because change comes from within.
  1.  
    Ol Don .... Here's one of my favorites

    One night in late October,
    When I was far from sober,
    Returning with my load and manly pride,
    My feet began to stutter
    So I lay down in the gutter
    And a pig came by and lay down by my side.
    Then a lady passing by was heard to say:
    "You can tell a man who boozes
    By the company he chooses,"
    The pig got up, and slowly walked away
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTime6 days ago
     
    Ol don & George - good jokes - I had a good laugh
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTime6 days ago
     
    One or two liners


    · After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

    · Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy!

    · The wife's been hinting she wants something black and lacy for her birthday. So I've got her a pair of football boots!

    · Growing up with a dyslexic father had its advantages. Whenever he caught me swearing, he used to wash my mouth out with soup!

    · My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm!

    · Anyone got an owner's manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible whining noise!

    · My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me!

    · Does anyone know how long you cook these "boil in the bag fish" that you win at the fun fair?

    · My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason!

    · Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. It's called wedding cake!

    · My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for her. I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface!