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    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTimeSep 24th 2018
     
    Laughs for the Day:

    ♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.
    Not to cause any trouble....but shouldn't that be an even number?

    ♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue
    stand for freedom, until they are flashing behind you.

    ♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
    Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

    ♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra.
    Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

    ♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the
    ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote.

    ♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you fall in love with someone?
    That's common sense leaving your body.

    ♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
    We'll see about that!

    ♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer.
    I saw it through my telescope last night.

    ♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

    ♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

    ♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive,
    try missing a couple of payments.

    ♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.
    Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

    ♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house
    you can go in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.

    ♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

    ♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married.
    Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.
    The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeOct 13th 2018
     
    Jokes For The Weekend
    Thanks to Colin H

    I walked into the pet shop and said, “I bought two hamsters from you yesterday, this morning they were both dead.”
    She said “did you give them plenty of water like I suggested?”
    I said “Yes, I filled their tank right to the top.”

    Some guy stopped me in the street and asked “Why are you carrying a 9ft book?”
    I replied... “It’s a long story.”


    I've been having sex with my boss.
    It's one of the many benefits of being self-employed.



    I have sex with my wife almost every day!
    Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...


    Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his ass?
    Because change comes from within.
  1.  
    Ol Don .... Here's one of my favorites

    One night in late October,
    When I was far from sober,
    Returning with my load and manly pride,
    My feet began to stutter
    So I lay down in the gutter
    And a pig came by and lay down by my side.
    Then a lady passing by was heard to say:
    "You can tell a man who boozes
    By the company he chooses,"
    The pig got up, and slowly walked away
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTimeOct 14th 2018
     
    Ol don & George - good jokes - I had a good laugh
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeOct 14th 2018
     
    One or two liners


    · After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

    · Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy!

    · The wife's been hinting she wants something black and lacy for her birthday. So I've got her a pair of football boots!

    · Growing up with a dyslexic father had its advantages. Whenever he caught me swearing, he used to wash my mouth out with soup!

    · My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm!

    · Anyone got an owner's manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible whining noise!

    · My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me!

    · Does anyone know how long you cook these "boil in the bag fish" that you win at the fun fair?

    · My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason!

    · Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. It's called wedding cake!

    · My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for her. I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface!
    • CommentAuthorAAmisIII
    • CommentTimeOct 25th 2018
     
    A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home unexpectedly so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.
    Little boy: "Dark in here."
    Lover: "Yes, it is."
    Little Boy: "I have a baseball"
    Lover: "That's nice."
    Little boy: "Want to buy it?"
    Lover: "No, thanks."
    Little boy: “My dad's outside."
    Lover: "OK, how much?"
    Little boy: "$25.00"

    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet.

    Little boy: "Dark in here."
    Lover: "Yes, it is."
    Little boy: "I have a baseball mitt."
    Lover: "How much?"
    Little boy: "$75.00"
    Lover: "Fine."

    His father asks him about the missing ball and the mitt. The boy says
    "I sold them."
    "How much did you sell then for?"
    "$100.00"
    "That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
    They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and he closes the door.

    The boy says: "Dark in here."
    The priest says, "Don't start that again."
    • CommentAuthorAAmisIII
    • CommentTimeOct 25th 2018
     
    My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
    Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTimeOct 30th 2018
     
    "Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say,
    "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

    While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor,
    because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

    A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
    A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
    "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
    "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven..

    The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
    Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
    "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
    During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more.
    Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
    At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
    And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

    People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the centre of attention.
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeNov 4th 2018
     
    Ponder On These Imponderables
    Thanks to Spike
    1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

    2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

    3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

    4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

    5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

    6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

    7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

    8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

    9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

    10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

    11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

    12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

    13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

    14. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

    14. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?

    16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

    17. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning

    18. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:

    19. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

    20. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

    21. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTimeNov 4th 2018
     
    Funny, ol don
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTimeNov 30th 2018
     
    FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH

    His dizzy aunt.......................Verti Gogh
    The brother who ate prunes..............Gotta Gohg
    The brother who worked at a convenience store................Stop N Gogh
    The grandfather from Yogoslavia...............U Gogh
    His magician uncle....................Where-diddy Gogh
    The nephew who drove a stage coach.....................Wells-far Gogh
    The constipated uncle.......................Can't Gogh
    The ballroom dancing aunt..................Tang Gogh
    The bird lover uncle.......................Flamin Gogh
    The fruit-loving cousin.....................Man Gogh
    An aunt who taught positive thinking..............Way-to-Gogh
    The little bouncy nephew..................Poe Gogh
    A sister who loved disco................Go Gogh
    His niece who travels the country in an RV................Winnie Bay Gogh
    The brother with low back pain.............Lum Bay Gogh

    I saw you smiling..........there ya Gogh
  2.  
    For Old Don

    In this old folks community where I'm living,
    They recently had a contest to see who could write the best original limerick.
    This was the winner.

    I sat by the Duchess at tea
    An honer you'll surely agree
    But her organs internal
    Made noises infernal
    And everyone thought it was me
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTime1 day ago
     
    Bought vs Homemade

    Six year old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first family planning lesson at school.

    Her mother, very interested, asks: "Oh... How did it go?".

    "I nearly died of shame!" she answers . "Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

    Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."

    "No... But I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves !