A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed, "for me?" "Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop-off. On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo. What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Answer......Get off the merry-go-round and go home; you've had enough excitement for one day...
One Easter a priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. 'Come with me,' said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Peter to a mansion. It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool. 'Oh my word, thank you,' said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set. 'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,' said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.' 'Yes, that's true.' St Peter rejoined, 'But during your Easter sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.
WHAT PRICE A SERMON?
One Easter Sunday the Reverend Jones announced to his congregation, 'My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...... A $100 sermon that lasts five minutes A $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes And a $20 sermon that lasts a full hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver.'
I'm combining Easter and April Fool's day this year... I'm sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven't hidden
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence & distance.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank, (and several others), that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He simply said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home... and left it there all night.
An older golfer was hitting his ball from near a water hazard and his club fell into the water.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?
The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water and he needed the club to have a chance to win the tournament and supplement his meager pension.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
The golfer replied, "No.
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
Again, the golfer replied, "No.
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
The golfer replied, "Yes.
"The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.
Sometime later, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton.
"Is this your woman?" the Lord asked?
"Yes," cried the golfer.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'No' to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'No' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'Yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve. That's why I said 'Yes' to Kate Upton.
And God was pleased
The moral of this story is:
If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason and only out of consideration for others!
Ralph and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Mary's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Mary the news she said, “Mary, I have good news and bad news.” “The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.” “The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.” Mary replied, “He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry.”
I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. Rita Rudner
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. Will Rogers
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. Erma Bombeck
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. Author Unknown
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. Agatha Christie
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. George Burns
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen
I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. Andy Rooney
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra. Will Rogers
I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do. Phyllis Diller
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine. P.G. Wodehouse
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. Rita Rudner
At my age, flowers scare me. George Burns
I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” Claude Pepper
You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. Bob Hope
He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. George Burns
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age — as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been. George Carlin
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. Billy Crystal
How young can you die of old age? Steven Wright
As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am. Erma Bombeck
Looking 50 is great if you’re 60. Joan Rivers
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. Kurt Vonnegut
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. George Burns
There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. John Mortimer
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. Woody Allen
Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning. Bob Hope
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you’ll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. Erma Bombeck
I’m so old they’ve canceled my blood type. Bob Hope
You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” Jerry Seinfeld
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. Jerry M. Wright
People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my 87th birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit. George Burns
Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. Joan Rivers
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
We were born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, xerox, contact lenses, frisbees and the PILL.
We were before radar, credit cards, split atoms, lazer beams, and ball-point pens.
Before tights, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes--and before man walked on the moon.
We got married first --and then lived together. How quaint can you be?
In our time, closets were for clothes, not for "coming out of".
Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits were not Volkswagons.
Designer jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeanne; and having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with our cousins.
We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent; and Outer Space was the back of the Riviera Theatre.
We were before house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, dual careers, and computer marriages.
We were before day-care centres, group therapy and nursing homes.
We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word-processors, yoghurt, and guys wearing earrings.
For us, time-sharing meant togetherness-- not computers or apartments; a "chip" meant a piece of wood; hardware meant hardware, and software wasn't even a word!
In 1940, "Made in Japan" meant JUNK and the term "making out" referred to how you did on your exam.
Pizzas, "MacDonald's" and instant coffee were unheard of.
In our day, cigarette smoking was fashionable. GRASS was mowed. COKE was a cold drink. POT was something you cooked in. ROCK MUSIC was a grandmother's lullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office. We were certainly not before the difference between the sexes was discovered, but we were surely before the sex change; we made do with what we had.
And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think you needed a husband to have a baby.
NO WONDER WE ARE SO CONFUSED AND THERE IS SUCH A GENERATION GAP TODAY!
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.
The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.
The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.
ol don - I love the jokes - especially the Colonoscopy Report.... A couple of days ago, I emailed my friends your joke about the condoms - some of them found it so funny they even replied - usually they don't. It feels good to laugh....
No matter how down ya are and everybody here knows all about being down I hope these things I find bring a smile to someone,hopefully a laugh or two,the Lord knows we all could use a laugh now and then
LOST WORDS FROM OUR CHILDHOOD Words gone as fast as the buggy whip!
Mergatroyd!
Do you remember that word? Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word Mergatroyd? Heavens to Mergatroyd!
About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included "Don't touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry."
Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys, of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers... AND DON'T FORGET.... Saddle-stitched pants.
We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle! Or, this is a fine kettle of fish! We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards. Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blink, and they're gone.
We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeable times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It's one of the greatest advantages of aging.
Leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth...
Here's the scoop on Mergatroyd: https://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/heavens-to-murgatroyd.html
Thanks for bringing up phrases that we don't hear anymore, mostly because they were used by our elders who are now mostly gone. I think I'm going to resurrect "swell." There are many way to tweak the meaning of it by the way it is said. Maj Frank Burns from MASH enunciated it often in his nasal and haughty way. The cool chicks of the 40s and 50s silver screen said it often, too, to show how hip they were.
As Paddy O'Shea was heading out the door for a night of revelry with the boys he promised his wife he'd be home by midnight. But you know how these things go -- the lager was cold and the companionship was worm and all of a sudden it was two o'clock when he arrived back home, quite inebriated. Removing his shoes at the door, he thought to slip in quietly without waking his wife, but stumbled loudly on the stair landing and it was his bad luck that just as he did the cuckoo clock began to announce the time. Thinking quickly, he figured that if he would just cuckoo ten more times himself, his wife would never be the wiser. Confident that he had pulled off this deception, he continued on up the stairs and to bed. At breakfast the next morning, however, his wife said, "I think you need to do something about that clock-- you must have heard it when you came in -- it cuckooed twice, hiccuped, said damn, and cuckooed ten more times!"
1. Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called “Ministers do more than Lay People.”
2. Transgender: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is, if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who takes the trash out, and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. [IMG] 9. My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Thought for the day: Be who you are and say what you feel because those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!
And as you slide down the banister of life, you should pray all the splinters are pointed the other way
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father! I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads..."
Larry went to visit his 86 year old grandfather in a very rural area. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, Larry’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon and eggs.
Larry noticed a film like substance on his place, and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal”.
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, Larry was concerned about the plates as it appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”
Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you worry, I don’t want to hear another word about it”.
Later that afternoon, as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass. Larry yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car”.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, ‘COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YEH HERE ME!!!”
This is the best example of paying attention that I have ever heard.
First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body. " For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
After retiring, a former Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smartass punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. A strong breeze blowing from the window made his tie flap.
So he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.”
“I want all the women to report to St. Peter” Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was hundreds of miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only ONE man.
God said to the long line, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household!” “You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!” “Of all of you, only one obeyed Learn from him.
God turned to the one man, “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?” The man replied, “This is where my wife told me to stand.”
A 70-year-old man named Dave is having a drink in a bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition".
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand --- He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail Lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctor's Office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry Cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
A Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID .
In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING
A GOOD TIME.
And finally, the all time classic, Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window: IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.