Not signed in (Sign In)

Vanilla 1.1.2 is a product of Lussumo. More Information: Documentation, Community Support.

      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeFeb 25th 2018
    Sign That You Are Getting Old!

    You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there.

    You turn off the lights for economical reasons, not romantic ones.

    You read the obituaries to find eligible women.

    Old ladies offer to help you cross the street.

    Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work

    College kids call you mister.

    The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

    A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens.

    After painting the town red, you need to take a long rest before applying a second coat.

    It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night long.

    You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the questions.

    After climbing the ladder of success and reaching the top, you realize that it was leaning on the wrong wall.

    You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

    The best part of the day is over when the alarm clock rings.

    All the names in your little black book end with MD.

    You get all your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercised.
    I love them! Especially PARADOX: two physicians. We have a local winery here named PARADOX WINERY - owned by 2 physicians.
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTimeMar 1st 2018
    • CommentAuthorRodstar43
    • CommentTimeMar 1st 2018
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTimeMar 3rd 2018
    Some Funny Quotes:

    I didn't make it to the gym today,
    That makes 5 years in a row.

    My favourite exercise at the gym
    would probably be judging.

    Those who say
    “There's no such thing
    as a stupid question”
    Have never worked in
    Customer Service.

    You can tell a lot about a woman's
    mood just by her hands,
    For instance, if she's holding
    a gun, she's probably angry.
    • CommentAuthormyrtle*
    • CommentTimeMar 3rd 2018
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMar 3rd 2018
    A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

    The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

    The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

    The preacher said, "No shit?"
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMar 3rd 2018
    Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

    After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

    The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

    "Gee, Mom," he exclaimed, "for me?" "Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMar 3rd 2018
    One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

    She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.

    Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

    "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTimeMar 4th 2018
    Funny, ol don
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMar 7th 2018
    Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,

    chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly

    Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she

    ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

    Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over ..women like that are hard to find."

    Dear Santa.......
    For 2018, I would like a fat
    bank account and a thin body.

    PS .... Please don't mix it
    up like you did last year.
    • CommentAuthorRodstar43
    • CommentTimeMar 7th 2018
    At the beginning of the emergency room doctor's shift, he placed a stethoscop' on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

    "Big breaths," he instructed......
    "yes, they used to be," repied the Patient!
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTimeMar 8th 2018
    Today's riddle for seniors...

    Here is the situation:

    You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
    On your right side is a sharp drop-off.
    On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
    Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.
    Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
    What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

    Answer......Get off the merry-go-round and go home; you've had enough excitement for one day...
    • CommentAuthorpaulc
    • CommentTime4 days ago