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    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeFeb 25th 2018
     
    Sign That You Are Getting Old!

    You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there.

    You turn off the lights for economical reasons, not romantic ones.

    You read the obituaries to find eligible women.

    Old ladies offer to help you cross the street.

    Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work

    College kids call you mister.

    The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

    A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens.

    After painting the town red, you need to take a long rest before applying a second coat.

    It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night long.

    You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the questions.

    After climbing the ladder of success and reaching the top, you realize that it was leaning on the wrong wall.

    You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

    The best part of the day is over when the alarm clock rings.

    All the names in your little black book end with MD.

    You get all your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercised.
  1.  
    I love them! Especially PARADOX: two physicians. We have a local winery here named PARADOX WINERY - owned by 2 physicians.
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTimeMar 1st 2018
     
    ttt
    • CommentAuthorRodstar43
    • CommentTimeMar 1st 2018
     
    ttt
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTimeMar 3rd 2018
     
    Some Funny Quotes:

    I didn't make it to the gym today,
    That makes 5 years in a row.

    My favourite exercise at the gym
    would probably be judging.

    Those who say
    “There's no such thing
    as a stupid question”
    Have never worked in
    Customer Service.

    You can tell a lot about a woman's
    mood just by her hands,
    For instance, if she's holding
    a gun, she's probably angry.
    • CommentAuthormyrtle*
    • CommentTimeMar 3rd 2018
     
    LOL!
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMar 3rd 2018
     
    A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

    The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

    The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

    The preacher said, "No shit?"
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMar 3rd 2018
     
    Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

    After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

    The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

    "Gee, Mom," he exclaimed, "for me?" "Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMar 3rd 2018
     
    One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

    She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.

    Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

    "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTimeMar 4th 2018
     
    Funny, ol don
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMar 7th 2018
     
    Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,

    chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly

    Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she

    ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

    Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over ..women like that are hard to find."
  2.  
    MY CHRISTMAS WISH

    Dear Santa.......
    For 2018, I would like a fat
    bank account and a thin body.

    PS .... Please don't mix it
    up like you did last year.
    • CommentAuthorRodstar43
    • CommentTimeMar 7th 2018
     
    At the beginning of the emergency room doctor's shift, he placed a stethoscop' on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

    "Big breaths," he instructed......
    "yes, they used to be," repied the Patient!
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTimeMar 8th 2018
     
    Today's riddle for seniors...

    Here is the situation:

    You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
    On your right side is a sharp drop-off.
    On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
    Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.
    Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
    What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?


    Answer......Get off the merry-go-round and go home; you've had enough excitement for one day...
    • CommentAuthorpaulc
    • CommentTimeMar 13th 2018
     
    ttt
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTimeMar 31st 2018
     
    AT THE PEARLY GATES

    One Easter a priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
    'Come with me,' said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
    The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Peter to a mansion. It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
    'Oh my word, thank you,' said the taxi driver.
    Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
    'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,' said the priest.
    'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
    'Yes, that's true.' St Peter rejoined, 'But during your Easter sermons people slept.
    When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.

    WHAT PRICE A SERMON?

    One Easter Sunday the Reverend Jones announced to his congregation, 'My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons......
    A $100 sermon that lasts five minutes
    A $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes
    And a $20 sermon that lasts a full hour.
    Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver.'


    I'm combining Easter and April Fool's day this year...
    I'm sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven't hidden
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTimeApr 6th 2018
     
    Mildred, the church gossip

    Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose
    into other people's business.

    Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence & distance.

    She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw
    his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

    She emphatically told Frank, (and several others), that everyone seeing it there would know what he
    was doing!

    Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

    He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He simply said nothing.

    Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home...
    and left it there all night.
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeApr 7th 2018
     
    The meaning of opaque is unclear.



    I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.



    Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.



    A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!



    I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

    If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.



    It’s a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.



    So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘apocalypse’? It’s not the end of the world



    The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester..



    Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.



    I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.



    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTimeApr 8th 2018
     
    ttt
    • CommentAuthorRodstar43
    • CommentTimeApr 12th 2018
     
    ttt
    • CommentAuthorRodstar43
    • CommentTimeApr 13th 2018
     
    ttt
    • CommentAuthorbjones
    • CommentTimeApr 16th 2018
     
    ttt
  3.  
    An older golfer was hitting his ball from near a water hazard and his club fell into the water.

    When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?

    The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water and he needed the club to have a chance to win the tournament and supplement his meager pension.

    The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.

    "Is this your club?" the Lord asked.

    The golfer replied, "No.

    The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club.

    "Is this your club?" the Lord asked.

    Again, the golfer replied, "No.

    The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club.

    "Is this your club?" the Lord asked.

    The golfer replied, "Yes.

    "The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.

    Sometime later, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the river.

    When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

    "Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!

    The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton.

    "Is this your woman?" the Lord asked?

    "Yes," cried the golfer.

    The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

    The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'No' to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'No' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'Yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve. That's why I said 'Yes' to Kate Upton.

    And God was pleased



    The moral of this story is:

    If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason and only out of consideration for others!
  4.  
    Ralph and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
    Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Mary's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
    When she went to tell Mary the news she said, “Mary, I have good news and bad news.”
    “The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.”
    “The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.”
    Mary replied, “He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry.”

    “How soon can I go home?”
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeApr 29th 2018
     
    35 Classic One-liners About Aging

    By John Blumenthal

    I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. Rita Rudner

    We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. Will Rogers

    The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. Erma Bombeck

    Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. Author Unknown

    An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. Agatha Christie

    Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. George Burns

    I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen

    I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. Andy Rooney

    When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra. Will Rogers

    I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do. Phyllis Diller

    There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine. P.G. Wodehouse

    My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. Rita Rudner

    At my age, flowers scare me. George Burns

    I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield

    A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” Claude Pepper

    You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
    Bob Hope

    He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. George Burns

    Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age — as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller

    So far, this is the oldest I’ve been. George Carlin

    By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. Billy Crystal

    How young can you die of old age? Steven Wright

    As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am. Erma Bombeck

    Looking 50 is great if you’re 60. Joan Rivers

    True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. Kurt Vonnegut

    When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. George Burns

    There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. John Mortimer

    You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. Woody Allen

    Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning. Bob Hope

    People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you’ll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. Erma Bombeck

    I’m so old they’ve canceled my blood type. Bob Hope

    You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” Jerry Seinfeld

    The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. Jerry M. Wright

    People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my 87th birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit. George Burns

    Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. Joan Rivers

    It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeApr 29th 2018
     
    FOR ALL THOSE BORN BEFORE 1945


    We were born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods,
    xerox, contact lenses, frisbees and the PILL.



    We were before radar, credit cards, split atoms, lazer beams, and
    ball-point pens.



    Before tights, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets,
    air conditioners, drip-dry clothes--and before man walked on the moon.



    We got married first --and then lived together. How quaint can you be?



    In our time, closets were for clothes, not for "coming out of".



    Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits were not Volkswagons.



    Designer jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeanne;
    and having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with our cousins.



    We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent; and Outer Space
    was the back of the Riviera Theatre.



    We were before house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating,
    dual careers, and computer marriages.



    We were before day-care centres, group therapy and nursing homes.




    We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word-processors, yoghurt, and guys wearing earrings.



    For us, time-sharing meant togetherness-- not computers or apartments;
    a "chip" meant a piece of wood; hardware meant hardware,
    and software wasn't even a word!



    In 1940, "Made in Japan" meant JUNK and the term "making out" referred
    to how you did on your exam.



    Pizzas, "MacDonald's" and instant coffee were unheard of.



    In our day, cigarette smoking was fashionable. GRASS was mowed.
    COKE was a cold drink. POT was something you cooked in.
    ROCK MUSIC was a grandmother's lullaby and
    AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office.
    We were certainly not before the difference between the sexes
    was discovered, but we were surely before the sex change;
    we made do with what we had.



    And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think
    you needed a husband to have a baby.



    NO WONDER WE ARE SO CONFUSED
    AND THERE IS SUCH A GENERATION GAP TODAY!
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeApr 29th 2018
     
    A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.

    The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.

    The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeMay 3rd 2018
     
    Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

    - Groucho Marx
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMay 7th 2018
     
    Condoms do not gaurantee safe sex,a friend was wearing one and he was shot by a jealous husband
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMay 12th 2018
     
    Last Will and Testament


    His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

    He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak:

    "My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”

    "My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”

    "My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”

    "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound.”

    The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as they slip away, the nurse says:

    "Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”

    The wife replies:

    "The jackass had a paper route."
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMay 12th 2018
     
    Colonoscopy Report


    During my check-up I asked the Doctor,

    "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?

    He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

    I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

    He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTimeMay 12th 2018
     
    ol don - I love the jokes - especially the Colonoscopy Report.... A couple of days ago, I emailed my friends your joke about the condoms - some of them found it so funny they even replied - usually they don't. It feels good to laugh....
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMay 14th 2018
     
    No matter how down ya are and everybody here knows all about being down I hope these things I find bring a smile to someone,hopefully a laugh or two,the Lord knows we all could use a laugh now and then
    • CommentAuthorNicky
    • CommentTimeMay 15th 2018
     
    LOST WORDS FROM OUR CHILDHOOD
    Words gone as fast as the buggy whip!

    Mergatroyd!

    Do you remember that word? Would you believe the email spell
    checker did not recognize the word Mergatroyd? Heavens to Mergatroyd!

    About a month ago, I illuminated some old
    expressions that have become
    obsolete because of the inexorable march of
    technology. These phrases included
    "Don't touch that dial," "Carbon copy,"
    "You sound like a broken record" and
    "Hung out to dry."

    Back in the olden days, life used to be swell,
    but when's the last time anything was swell?
    Swell has gone the way of
    beehives, pageboys, of spats,
    knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes
    and pedal pushers...
    AND DON'T FORGET.... Saddle-stitched pants.

    We wake up from what surely has been just a
    short nap, and before we can say,
    Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle! Or,
    this is a fine kettle of fish! We discover
    that the words we grew up with, the words that
    seemed omnipresent, as oxygen,
    have vanished with scarcely a notice from our
    tongues and our pens and our keyboards.
    Poof, go the words of our youth, the words
    we've left behind. We blink, and they're gone.

    We of a certain age have been blessed to live
    in changeable times. For a child
    each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that
    has no age. We at the other end
    of the chronological arc have the advantage of
    remembering there are words
    that once did not exist and there were words
    that once strutted their hour
    upon the earthly stage and now are heard no
    more, except in our collective memory.
    It's one of the greatest advantages of aging.

    Leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth...

    See ya later, alligator
    After while, crocodile

    Okidoki
  5.  
    Here's the scoop on Mergatroyd: https://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/heavens-to-murgatroyd.html

    Thanks for bringing up phrases that we don't hear anymore, mostly because they were used by our elders who are now mostly gone. I think I'm going to resurrect "swell." There are many way to tweak the meaning of it by the way it is said. Maj Frank Burns from MASH enunciated it often in his nasal and haughty way. The cool chicks of the 40s and 50s silver screen said it often, too, to show how hip they were.