Saved Video  Now here is a funny commercial seems a little out there but not really just funny. Don't know if this will come through as using iPad and always had trouble trying to access links here.
As we SilverSurfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned ...'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
Here is a list of BBC's 100 best comedies, as per their latest newsletter. 100. (tie) The King of Comedy (Martin Scorsese, 1982) 100. The Ladies Man (Jerry Lewis, 1961) 99. The Jerk (Carl Reiner, 1979) 98. The Hangover (Todd Phillips, 2009) 97. The Music Box (James Parrott, 1932) 96. Born Yesterday (George Cukor, 1950) 95. Ghostbusters (Ivan Reitman, 1984) 94. Rushmore (Wes Anderson, 1998) 93. South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (Trey Parker, 1999) 92. The Exterminating Angel (Luis Buñuel, 1962) 91. What's Up, Doc? (Peter Bogdanovich, 1972) 90. A New Leaf (Elaine May, 1971) 89. Daisies (Vera Chytilová, 1966) 88. Zoolander (Ben Stiller, 2001) 87. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (Howard Hawks, 1953) 86. Kind Hearts and Coronets (Robert Hamer, 1949) 85. Amarcord (Federico Fellini, 1973) 84. Waiting for Guffman (Christopher Guest, 1996) 83. Safety Last! (Fred C Newmeyer and Sam Taylor, 1923) 82. Top Secret! (Jim Abrahams, David Zucker and Jerry Zucker, 1984) 81. There's Something About Mary (Bobby and Peter Farrelly, 1998) 80. Office Space (Mike Judge, 1999) 79. The Dinner Game (Francis Veber, 1998) 78. The Princess Bride (Rob Reiner, 1987) 77. Divorce Italian Style (Pietro Germi, 1961) 76. Design for Living (Ernst Lubitsch, 1933) 75. The Palm Beach Story (Preston Sturges, 1942) 74. Trading Places (John Landis, 1983) 73. The Nutty Professor (Jerry Lewis, 1963) 72. The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (David Zucker, 1988) 71. The Royal Tenenbaums (Wes Anderson, 2001) 70. In the Loop (Armando Iannucci, 2009) 69. Love and Death (Woody Allen, 1975) 68. Ninotchka (Ernst Lubitsch, 1939) 67. Sons of the Desert (William A Seiter, 1933) 66. Hot Fuzz (Edgar Wright, 2007) 65. Caddyshack (Harold Ramis, 1980) 64. Step Brothers (Adam McKay, 2008) 63. Arsenic and Old Lace (Frank Capra, 1944) 62. What We Do in the Shadows (Jemaine Clement and Taika Waititi, 2014) 61. Team America: World Police (Trey Parker, 2004) 60. Shaun of the Dead (Edgar Wright, 2004) 59. Toni Erdmann (Maren Ade, 2016) 58. Zelig (Woody Allen, 1983) 57. Mean Girls (Mark Waters, 2004) 56. Broadcast News (James L Brooks, 1987) 55. Best in Show (Christopher Guest, 2000) 54. Harold and Maude (Hal Ashby, 1971) 53. The Blues Brothers (John Landis, 1980) 52. My Man Godfrey (Gregory La Cava, 1936) 51. Seven Chances (Buster Keaton, 1925) 50. Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown (Pedro Almodóvar, 1988) 49. The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie (Luis Buñuel, 1972) 48. Trouble in Paradise (Ernst Lubitsch, 1932) 47. Animal House (John Landis, 1978) 46. Pulp Fiction (Quentin Tarantino, 1994) 45. Big Deal on Madonna Street (Mario Monicelli, 1958) 44. Bridesmaids (Paul Feig, 2011) 43. M*A*S*H (Robert Altman, 1970) 42. The Awful Truth (Leo McCarey, 1937) 41. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (Larry Charles, 2006) 40. The Producers (Mel Brooks, 1967) 39. A Night at the Opera (Sam Wood and Edmund Goulding, 1935) 38. The Philadelphia Story (George Cukor, 1940) 37. Sullivan’s Travels (Preston Sturges, 1941) 36. A Fish Called Wanda (Charles Crichton and John Cleese, 1988) 35. Singin' in the Rain (Stanley Donen and Gene Kelly, 1952) 34. Clueless (Amy Heckerling, 1995) 33. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (Adam McKay, 2004) 32. Raising Arizona (Joel and Ethan Coen, 1987) 31. Tootsie (Sydney Pollack, 1982) 30. Monsieur Hulot's Holiday (Jacques Tati, 1953) 29. When Harry Met Sally... (Rob Reiner, 1989) 28. It Happened One Night (Frank Capra, 1934) 27. The Apartment (Billy Wilder, 1960) 26. Mon Oncle (Jacques Tati, 1958) 25. The Gold Rush (Charlie Chaplin, 1925) 24. Withnail and I (Bruce Robinson, 1987) 23. The Party (Blake Edwards, 1968) 22. Young Frankenstein (Mel Brooks, 1974) 21. City Lights (Charlie Chaplin, 1931) 20. Blazing Saddles (Mel Brooks, 1974) 19. The Lady Eve (Preston Sturges, 1941) 18. Sherlock Jr (Buster Keaton, 1924) 17. Bringing Up Baby (Howard Hawks, 1938) 16. The Great Dictator (Charlie Chaplin, 1940) 15. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones, 1975) 14. His Girl Friday (Howard Hawks, 1940) 13. To Be or Not To Be (Ernst Lubitsch, 1942) 12. Modern Times (Charlie Chaplin, 1936) 11. The Big Lebowski (Joel and Ethan Coen, 1998) 10. The General (Clyde Bruckman and Buster Keaton, 1926) 9. This Is Spinal Tap (Rob Reiner, 1984) 8. Playtime (Jacques Tati, 1967) 7. Airplane! (Jim Abrahams, David Zucker and Jerry Zucker, 1980) 6. Life of Brian (Terry Jones, 1979) 5. Duck Soup (Leo McCarey, 1933) 4. Groundhog Day (Harold Ramis, 1993) 3. Annie Hall (Woody Allen, 1977) 2. Dr Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (Stanley Kubrick, 1964) 1. Some Like It Hot (Billy Wilder, 1959)
I've ordered a couple that I haven't seen from the public library. P.S. This is one of my favourites: 30. Monsieur Hulot's Holiday (Jacques Tati, 1953)
A SENIOR'S PERSPECTIVE OF FACEBOOK. AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!
For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists: I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day. I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them. And it works just like Facebook. I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
I do take exception to that list of wankers over in Britain (soon to be called England) who go to Eton, suck on the public teat for most of their lives, and then pretend that Pulp Fiction is a comedy or that anything Chaplin did was funny which they weren't.
Missing on a quick glance of that list is:
Dumb & Dumber The Pink Panther A Shot In The Dark Grumpy Old Men The Bird Cage Bananas Sleeper Overboard
And once again, Pulp Fiction is only a comedy if you're a wanker from over'ome who's pretty much clueless about the subject matter. Any piece of wood anywhere could randomly get as many in the wrong order as the twit from London, formerly the banking centre and clearing house of the EU.
A sweet old lady is asked to say Grace at a gathering of “Seniors at Home" caregivers, and she brought down the house about 90 seconds into her prayer!
Enjoy! I think this applies to a lot of us…..LOL….
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. 3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public. 6. War does not determine who is right--only who is left. 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 9. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you. 10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.' 11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy. 12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. 14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 16. You're never too old to learn something stupid. 17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
You have to try this. It takes 2 seconds. It is from an orthopedic surgeon.
This will boggle your mind and it will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!
1). Without anyone watching you (they will think you are a bit loopy) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2). Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction
And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.
1. I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before.
After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said,
"But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"
I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 72. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her ownchildhood was like.
"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?''
"You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6." (WOW! I really like this one -- it says I'm only '38'!)
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12 A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog. Two blondes walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks, "Are you two sisters?"
Thanks seems there a lot more tears here than laughs,Lord only knows after all the years I've been here I've shed plenty and if I couldn't laugh there would be more so I hope my posts bring a smile to a few. Merry Christmas
Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.
Christmas is just plain weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree in your living room eating candy and snacks out of your socks?
The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes in Christmas wrapping paper. When your child misbehaves, toss one into the fire.
Thanks to Anna and Jim V Another year has passed and we're all a little older. Last summer felt hotter and winter seems much colder. There was a time not long ago when life was quite a blast. Now I fully understand about 'Living in the Past' We used to go to weddings, football games and lunches. Now we go to funeral homes, and after-funeral brunches. We used to have hangovers, from parties that were gay. Now we suffer body aches and whine the night away. We used to go out dining, and couldn't get our fill. Now we ask for doggie bags, come home and take a pill. We used to often travel to places near and far. Now we get sore asses from riding in the car.. We used to go to nightclubs and drink a little booze. Now we stay home at night and watch the evening news. That, my friend is how life is,So now my tale is told. Enjoy each day and live it up. Before you're too darned old!
A HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all, may 2018 bring you all the good health and prosperity you can handle.
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello". "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a Biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now Uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are Either bad or terrible" "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and The other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your Husband's' is." "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive Tests one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off Somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't Sleep with him.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blankinship to dispose of him.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.... Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took....
The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible.
For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet.......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.
Here are more of the actual signs:
DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW OUT SO FAR IT MAY GO HOME IN ANOTHER CAR. BURMA SHAVE
TRAINS DON'T WANDER ALL OVER THE MAP 'CAUSE NOBODY SITS IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP Burma Shave
SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH BY MISTAKE SHE THOUGHT IT WAS HER HUSBAND JAKE Burma Shave
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT Burma Shave
DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING Burma Shave
BROTHER SPEEDER LET'S REHEARSE ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING, NURSE Burma Shave
CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR LET'S HAVE LESS BULL AND A LITTLE MORE STEER Burma Shave
SPEED WAS HIGH WEATHER WAS NOT TIRES WERE THIN X MARKS THE SPOT Burma Shave
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE Burma Shave
AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY-SPLIT BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN'T IT? Burma Shave
NO MATTER THE PRICE NO MATTER HOW NEW THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU Burma Shave
A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN IS NOT THINKIN' HE'S JUST HOPIN' Burma Shave
AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY Burma Shave
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD THAT'S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER'S CODE Burma Shave
THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING Burma Shave
CAR IN DITCH DRIVER IN TREE THE MOON WAS FULL AND SO WAS HE. Burma Shave
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE TAKE IT SLOW LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS GROW Burma Shave
Do these bring back any old memories? If not, you're merely a child.
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you
I JUST discovered my age group! I am a Seenager (Senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 55-60 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the wine store. I like the wine store best.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they aren't scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared?
And I don't have acne.
Life is Good! Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager. Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.
People do not decline mentally with age; it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains.
Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.
Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem; it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.
An old guy goes to visit his best friend in the hospital,the sick guy knows he's about ready to "hop the twig" so he asks his friend do you think they'll have baseball in heaven,being hard core baseball fans they discuss it for awhile and the sick guy says,I'll tell ya what,when I check out I'll let ya know,a few days go by and he pass's, a few days later the guy calls his friend from heaven and says, guess what they do have baseball here but I have some good news and some bad news,his friend says what could be bad about that give me the bad news first,friend says your scheduled to pitch tomorrow
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.....
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking United," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman ran into the hairdresser who asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of United's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
For example... A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling," he says, "Your parents have come to visit, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello'?"
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"
The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said "OK, I will try to think of a really good wish". Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing," know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
Good one, Don. Here's one my brother, Pat, just sent me. Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her self-righteousness, but feared her wrath enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank in front of several others that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her in silence for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing... Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house .... walked home ... and left it there all night.