> The Difference between Complete and Finished!!! > > Time for a clear, serious grammar lesson... > > > > No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, > supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, > was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted > over 5 minutes. > > > The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?'
Some people say there is no difference between > COMPLETE and FINISHED. > > Here is his astute answer: > > When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!! > > He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year > old Scotch!
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Medicare Part G Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself, and the government says there is no nursing home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Part G. The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered! As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home ........ and you will free the USA of a useless, tax-wasting politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes! Say, is this a great country or what? Now that you have solved your senior financial plan......... enjoy your life.
Louis is late and extremely frustrated. He's downtown going around the blocks a third time trying to find a parking spot so he can get to his very important meeting. Finally on the fourth time around with no sign of anyone leaving, he starts praying.
"God", he declared, "If you find me a parking spot so I can close this deal, I'll attend church every Sunday for the rest of my life. I swear, but I need this deal!"
Just then a parking spot opens up miraculously right in front of him and he zips right in. "Never mind!", he calls out excitedly, "I just found one!"
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time.
So the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”
“Good morning, Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?”
The pastor said, “Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked: “Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45
Hey Don ........... I really like that last one. Even though I'm at 95 years, They keep sending me jury duty notices that I have no idea how to respond to. They are threatening to incarcerate me or fine me or both. .........If they put me in jail it may be interesting because I've never been in jail before.
Don, I don't know whether I ought to post this one or not because it's bad, but your first thing about light traveling faster than sound reminded me of another "faster than" joke. It seems that the teacher had challenged her fourth grade class to try to come up with the fastest thing in the world. Young Eddy suggested that it might be a race car, then someone else ventured a jet plane. Little Suzy thought light might be the fastest, but then someone else proposed that thought might be even faster than light. The teacher agreed that thought might indeed be the fastest, until little Johnny in the back of the room raised his hand and said he knew something even faster than thought -- a fart. The embarrassed teacher asked why he would say something like that and he replied, "well, my sister's boyfriend asked her to marry him and she farted before she thought!"
A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.The old man was
visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."
Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital
A row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.
Furious film fan and part-time plus-size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.
Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.
“It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll-up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”
Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.
“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”
Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.
“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow’s not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”
But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;
“I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that I give him my five-second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”
Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers.“ he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flames ‘n farts – keep ’em apart’ Anyone engaging in an arse-inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”
Hey Don.....That's the greatest story about a fart that I've ever read. I can't imagine where you found it. Thank you for sharing all your wonderful stories.
*********** KIDS IN CHURCH 3-year-old Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~ A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~ After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~ A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~ Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
A Well-Planned Retirement From The London Times: May 15, 2009
Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.
It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars 1 (about $1.40)and coaches were charged at 5 (about $7).
This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years.
Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."
"No", said the Council, when contacted,".....that parking lot is totally your responsibility."
"No, it isn't", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the parking attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"
"NO! He was NOT" insisted the Council.
So, sitting in his lovely villa somewhere on the South Coast of Spain, is a happy bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at 400 (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 3.6 million ($7 million)
....................And no one even knows his name!!
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, ‘You’ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.’
The cats says, ‘Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.’ God says, ‘Say no more.’ And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, ‘All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.’ God says, ‘Say no more.’ And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,
‘How are you doing? Are you happy here?’
The cat yawns and stretches and says, “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!”
How to get to Heaven from Ireland A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. 'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven? 'NO!' the children answered. 'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?' Again, the answer was 'NO!' 'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?' Again, they all answered 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?' A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.' It's a curious race, the Irish.
Well .... Today is Saint Patrick's Day so I have to tell everybody my favorite Irish joke.
My old friend, Frank Pavia, told me that when he was growing up in Boston, all the policemen were Irish, and when they finally got one Italian policeman on the force, the Italian community had a huge celebration. This joke comes from that Italian community.
Once..... one of these big Irish policeman came upon a little Jewish boy on the street and said to him. "Hey little jew-boy, what do the Rabbis do with all the foreskins they chop off you guys?" The little jew-boy answered him, "I understand they send them over to Ireland where they plant them, and when they grow into big pricks, they send them back here to Boston and make policemen out of them".
well George since you mentioned it...... A guy was trying to sell wallets for $50 when he was asked why would I spend that much for a wallet? The salesman said these are very special,they're made out of foreskins,if you run them for five minutes they turn into suitcases
Just pull the tooth A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!”
The dentist thought to himself, "Well, at last. A man with real guts!!"
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”
Oh Mary, that is a GREAT joke. My laugh for the day. Although I loved George & Ol Don's too, they are not G-rated enough to send to the kids & siblings, who greatly enjoy my AlsSpouse site jokes!
The king called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The royal weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain for at least 4 days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "Thanks for your concern, but don't worry. It's not going to rain today. I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtained the information about rain today from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain very soon." So the king hired the donkey instead.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good. So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember its Gods will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older #9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world. #8 Life is sexually transmitted. #7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. #6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich. #5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years...... #4 *Health Nuts* are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing. #3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. #2 In the 1960's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world IS weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. #1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.
The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Statistics just released from The National Statistics Office and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, revealed that:
North American, Cubans, Puerto Ricans, Dominicans, Brazilians, Australian, New Zealanders, and British men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to a lot of us down at the pub, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.
Ramblings of a Tired Mind Thanks to Spike I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today?" I looked at her, and said,
"I'm interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn't quite know how to respond
Am I getting to be that age?
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it 'Pumping Rust.'
When people see a cat's litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it's for company!”
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘An ambulance.'
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ' The' and ' IRS ' together it spells 'Theirs...'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.
May you always have Love to Share, Cash to Spare, And Friends who Care
For all of us who are seniors... The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends: When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em. When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will!
Walking on the Grass The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands The instructor said, "Ladies, remember - Exercise is good for you.” “Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and it will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path.” "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It won't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.” The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?", said the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?” Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Subject: This was actually reported by a teacher..... "Retardment"
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!
They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts! Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
PRICELESS! Remember to send this to all your "retarded grandparent" friends and give them a laugh too!
MY THREE FAVORITE JOKES ..... Just for you Don These three jokes are really old. Just like me. I'm always amazed that so many people have never heard them.
Number 1 There once was a homeless hobo in the city park who had to go potty. Since there were no rest-rooms nearby, he just squatted down in the pathway and did his business. Just as he was finishing, he saw a big policeman strolling up the pathway and realized he was in big trouble. So thinking quickly, he placed his hat over the little pile and held it there, and when the policeman came up,he said, "Oh officer, I'm so glad to see you. I need your help......I'm Professor Goodbee from the Chicago Museum of Natural Science and I've been tracking this extremely rare African Foo-Foo bird for two weeks and I finally trapped him and have him under my hat. If I could get you to hold the hat while I go get a cage from my car, we can both become famous for capturing such a rare endangered species." Well....... the policeman said, "OK", and squatted down and held the hat while the hobo took off as fast as he could go.........After awhile the policeman is thinking, "what happened to that professor?....I've got to get going on my beat.......I can't wait here much longer.......Maybe I can raise the hat and very quickly grab the bird with both hands"......So that's what he did..... He quickly raised the hat and made a dive for the bird..... then he stared at his two hands and said, "Oh, No.....Look what I've done.....I've squashed every bone in it's body".
Number 2 Pope Harry had been ill for a long time and had been examined by all the best doctors in the world. The doctors all agreed on the diagnosis and arranged a meeting with Pope Harry to give him the bad news They told him....."We realize this is going to be a terrible shock to you, but in order to save your life, we need to tell you. You are suffering from a fatal disease called Lackanookie. There is only one cure for it and that is sexual intercourse. Well.......Pope Harry was truly stunned........He wailed, "No....never....I could never do that. It's impossible! I would rather die......So all the doctors and staff reasoned with him and told him that the world could not afford to lose such a wonderful pope as he. After hours of pleading Pope Harry told them, "OK....I will agree to this abominable act, but only under three conditions......My partner in this crime must be blind, so that she cannot recognize me or see my pain........She must be deaf so she cannot hear my cries of anguish.....She must have big boobs, cause I like big boobs.
Number 3 My old friend Frank Pavia told me this joke. He told me that when he was growing up in Boston, all the policemen were Irish, and when they finally got one Italian policeman on the force, the Italian community had a huge celebration. This joke comes from that Italian community. Once..... one of these big Irish policeman came upon a little Jewish boy on the street and said to him. "Hey little jew-boy, what do the Rabbis do with all the foreskins they chop off you guys?" The little jew-boy answered him, "I understand they send them over to Ireland where they plant them, and when they grow into big pricks, they send them back here to Boston and make policemen out of them".
One more....... I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my friend, "That'll be us in ten years." My friend looked across the bar and said, "That's a mirror, you dummy. "
One more ...... Three old Georges were sitting on a park bench. The first one says, "It sure is windy today" The second one says, "It's not Wednesday, it's Thursday" The third one says, "I'm thirsty too. Lets go have a drink"
One more ..... There were five old Irish buddies who often enjoyed having a few drinks at their favorite downtown bar, and once, after leaving the bar, Mc'Ginty was run over by a streetcar and was killed. After talking it over, his friends decided they couldn't leave his body laying there in the street and decided to just drag him to his nearby home, which they proceeded to do. Since they all agreed that O'Reilly was the most tactful, they sent him on ahead so he could prepare Mrs. Mc'Ginty for the bad news. Upon greeting her, O'Rielly said "Are you the widow Mc'Ginty?" .... She answered him, "My name is Mc'Ginty,but I ain't no widow" ... whereupon O'Rielly said "It's a blinking liar you are, We're dragging his body home a block up the street right now". Then Mrs. Mc'Ginty wailed, "Oh my god ... That is so terrible. We just finished paying for his new alse teeth".
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said "Noreen, Room 302"
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Noreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Noreen your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Noreen in 302. No one tells me shit."
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said "Noreen, Room 302"
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Noreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Noreen your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Noreen in 302. No one tells me shit."
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table and the widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally, during one dance, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?”
After about 6 seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes, yes I will!"
Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower. However, the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes" or did she say ‘No‘? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over-and-over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say“Yes" or did you say “No”?
"Why, you silly man." she replied, I said Yes. Yes, I will! And I meant it with all my heart!"
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I'm so glad you called. I couldn't remember who asked me
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also”
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
No matter which side you are on in the matter of renaming the Washington Redskins, this is funny. This guy is hilarious…
Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.
Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.
Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.
I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates! Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.
The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.
So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.
As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers" (especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???
I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the “Foreskins” to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Congress.
A friend of mine told me this story: She took her husband to see their family doctor because of cellulitis in his leg. The doctor said he wanted a urine specimen and that the nurse would give the husband a bottle. The wife could see her husband under the curtain, and she said, “He put the bottle on the floor and aimed for it.”
A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.
A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"
No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem,and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say,"Okay". She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles,and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figureout. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies."I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college,I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his penis points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys asks, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
1. The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
2. My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
3. My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
4. I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out”.
5. Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
6. If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I need ... not all this, “How did you get into my house?” business!
7. The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
8. On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
9. I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penney has an older women’s clothing line named, “ Sag Harbor .”
10. I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
11. What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their noses?
12. Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
13. The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.