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      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJan 14th 2017
    > The Difference between Complete and Finished!!!
    > Time for a clear, serious grammar lesson...
    > No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the
    difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic
    competition held in London and attended by,
    > supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man,
    > was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted
    > over 5 minutes.
    > The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between
    COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?'

    Some people say there is no difference between
    > Here is his astute answer:
    > When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.

    When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.

    And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,

    > He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year
    > old Scotch!

      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJan 21st 2017
    An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
    I hope this hasn't been on here before

    Medicare Part G
    Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of
    yourself, and the government says there is no nursing home care available
    for you. So, what do you do?
    You opt for Medicare Part G. The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun
    and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician.
    This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you
    will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and
    air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need.
    Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing
    aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all
    covered! As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often
    as they do now!
    And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told
    you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home ........ and you will
    free the USA of a useless, tax-wasting politician while you are at it. And
    now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
    Say, is this a great country or what?
    Now that you have solved your senior financial plan......... enjoy your life.
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJan 23rd 2017
    Sounds like a plan George...........
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeFeb 18th 2017
    Louis is late and extremely frustrated. He's downtown going around the blocks a third time trying to find a parking spot so he can get to his very important meeting. Finally on the fourth time around with no sign of anyone leaving, he starts praying.

    "God", he declared, "If you find me a parking spot so I can close this deal, I'll attend church every Sunday for the rest of my life. I swear, but I need this deal!"

    Just then a parking spot opens up miraculously right in front of him and he zips right in. "Never mind!", he calls out excitedly, "I just found one!"
    • CommentTimeFeb 18th 2017
    Good one, Wolf.
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeFeb 18th 2017
    One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

    The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time.

    So the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”

    “Good morning, Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?”

    The pastor said, “Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

    Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

    Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked: “Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45
    • CommentAuthorcassie*
    • CommentTimeFeb 18th 2017
    Do you have another dog Don?
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeFeb 20th 2017
    No dog for me,while I would love another Lab,I 'm trying to go it alone............
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeFeb 25th 2017
    A Little Poem ... so true it hurts!

    Another year has passed
    And we're all a little older.
    Last summer felt hotter
    And winter seems much colder.

    There was a time not long ago
    When life was quite a blast.
    Now I fully understand
    About 'Living in the Past'

    We used to go to weddings,
    Football games and lunches..
    Now we go to funeral homes
    And after-funeral brunches.

    We used to have hangovers,
    From parties that were gay.
    Now we suffer body aches
    And whine the night away.

    We used to go out dining,
    And couldn't get our fill.
    Now we ask for doggie bags,
    Come home and take a pill..

    We used to often travel
    To places near and far.
    Now we get sore asses
    From riding in the car.

    We used to go to nightclubs
    And drink a little booze.
    Now we stay home at night
    And watch the evening news.

    That, my friend is how life is,
    And now my tale is told.
    So, enjoy each day and live it up...
    Before you're too damned old!
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeFeb 25th 2017
    1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

    3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

    4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

    5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

    7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

    8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

    9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

    10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

    11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

    12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

    13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

    14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

    15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
    Hey Don ........... I really like that last one. Even though I'm at 95 years,
    They keep sending me jury duty notices that I have no idea how to
    respond to. They are threatening to incarcerate me or fine me or both.
    .........If they put me in jail it may be interesting because I've never
    been in jail before.
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeFeb 26th 2017
    Well George the only advice I get give you,if they should come for ya,don't bend over to pick anything up when they slam the cell door
    Don, I don't know whether I ought to post this one or not because it's bad, but your first thing about light traveling faster than sound reminded me of another "faster than" joke. It seems that the teacher had challenged her fourth grade class to try to come up with the fastest thing in the world. Young Eddy suggested that it might be a race car, then someone else ventured a jet plane. Little Suzy thought light might be the fastest, but then someone else proposed that thought might be even faster than light. The teacher agreed that thought might indeed be the fastest, until little Johnny in the back of the room raised his hand and said he knew something even faster than thought -- a fart. The embarrassed teacher asked why he would say something like that and he replied, "well, my sister's boyfriend asked her to marry him and she farted before she thought!"
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeFeb 27th 2017
    lol now thats funny,never heard that one before
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMar 2nd 2017
    A retired older
    couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold
    the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in
    a mini skirt and a halter top.The old man was

    visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you
    said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price. Yet
    I just overheard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady
    there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you
    could discount this model."

    The salesman
    took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of
    water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any
    financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied
    the grinning salesman sheepishly.

    Just then the
    young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old

    "There you go,"
    she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you
    later Dad, Happy Father's day."

    Once again....
    don't mess with seniors.
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMar 5th 2017
    Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital

    A row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

    Furious film fan and part-time plus-size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.

    Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

    “It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll-up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”

    Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

    “To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”

    Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

    “I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow’s not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”

    But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;

    “I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that I give him my five-second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”

    Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers.“ he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flames ‘n farts – keep ’em apart’ Anyone engaging in an arse-inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”
    Hey Don.....That's the greatest story about a fart that I've ever read.
    I can't imagine where you found it. Thank you for sharing all your
    wonderful stories.
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMar 6th 2017
    3-year-old Reese:
    "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
    A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
    After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,
    "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
    I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.
    I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail.
    One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
    A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
    Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.
    "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
    "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
    Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
    A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
    Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
    A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
    "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
    "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
    The boy thought a moment and then said,
    "Did God throw him back down?"
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
    A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said,
    "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMar 7th 2017
    An old man, was living in a nursing home at Marion Village.

    One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

    Nurse Tracy asked him if there was
    anything wrong.

    'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said the old man.

    'My Private Part died today, and I am
    very sad.'

    Knowing her patients were a little
    forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
    she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry. Please accept my condolences.'

    The following day, he was
    walking down the hall with his Private
    Part hanging out of his pajamas.

    He met Nurse Tracy. She said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

    'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied the old man. 'I told you yesterday that my
    Private Part died.'

    'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell
    me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

    'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
    A Well-Planned Retirement
    From The London Times: May 15, 2009

    Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for
    150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.

    It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine
    charging cars 1 (about $1.40)and coaches were charged at 5 (about $7).

    This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years.

    Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

    "Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the
    City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."

    "No", said the Council, when contacted,".....that parking lot is
    totally your responsibility."

    "No, it isn't", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the parking
    attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"

    "NO! He was NOT" insisted the Council.

    So, sitting in his lovely villa somewhere on the South Coast of
    Spain, is a happy bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees,
    estimated at 400 (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years.

    Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 3.6 million ($7

    ....................And no one even knows his name!!

    A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, ‘You’ve been a good cat all of these years.
    Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.’

    The cats says, ‘Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.’
    God says, ‘Say no more.’ And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic
    accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

    The mice said, ‘All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms.
    If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.’ God says, ‘Say no more.’
    And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

    About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow.
    God gently wakes him and asks,

    ‘How are you doing? Are you happy here?’

    The cat yawns and stretches and says, “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve
    been sending over are the best!”
    • CommentTimeMar 11th 2017
    Try this one. LR2qZ0A8vic?rel=0
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMar 15th 2017
    How to get to Heaven from Ireland
    A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher

    I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
    'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and
    gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?
    'NO!' the children answered.
    'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything
    tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
    Again, the answer was 'NO!'
    'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get
    me into heaven?'
    Again, they all answered 'NO!'
    I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get
    into heaven?'
    A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'
    It's a curious race, the Irish.

    Well .... Today is Saint Patrick's Day so I have to tell everybody my
    favorite Irish joke.

    My old friend, Frank Pavia, told me that when he was growing up in
    Boston, all the policemen were Irish, and when they finally got one Italian
    policeman on the force, the Italian community had a huge celebration. This
    joke comes from that Italian community.

    Once..... one of these big Irish policeman came upon a little Jewish boy
    on the street and said to him. "Hey little jew-boy, what do the Rabbis do with
    all the foreskins they chop off you guys?" The little jew-boy answered him,
    "I understand they send them over to Ireland where they plant them, and
    when they grow into big pricks, they send them back here to Boston and make
    policemen out of them".
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMar 19th 2017
    well George since you mentioned it......
    A guy was trying to sell wallets for $50 when he was asked why would I spend that much for a wallet? The salesman said these are very special,they're made out of foreskins,if you run them for five minutes they turn into suitcases
    • CommentTimeMar 19th 2017
    Just pull the tooth
    A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
    The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a
    hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting
    for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't
    have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the
    tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00am tee time at
    the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...I don't
    have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!”

    The dentist thought to himself, "Well, at last. A man with real guts!!"

    So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

    The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”
    • CommentAuthorFiona68
    • CommentTimeMar 19th 2017
    Oh Mary, that is a GREAT joke. My laugh for the day. Although I loved George & Ol Don's too, they are not G-rated enough to send to the kids & siblings, who greatly enjoy my AlsSpouse site jokes!
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTime6 days ago
    Once upon a time

    The king called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The royal weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain for at least 4 days.
    So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."

    The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "Thanks for your concern, but don't worry. It's not going to rain today. I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

    So the king continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

    Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

    The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtained the information about rain today from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain very soon." So the king hired the donkey instead.

    And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

    The practice is unbroken to this day..
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTime5 days ago

    Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
    Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
    Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.
    God looked down and saw that it was good.
    So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember its Gods will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

    Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
    #9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
    #8 Life is sexually transmitted.
    #7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
    #6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
    #5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years......
    #4 *Health Nuts* are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
    #3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
    #2 In the 1960's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world IS weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
    #1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.