> A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. > > The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. > > "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter said with admiration. "Thanks," the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. > > "Little partner," the fire fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." > > The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."
Although he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday, one customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully each day before ordering.
One day his regular waitress decided to see if he could be made to order anything else. Before giving him the menu she marked out the ham and eggs entry.
After waiting a few minutes she asked, "Did you notice, sir, that I scratched something that you like?"
Without looking up from the menu, he replied, "Well then, go wash your hands and bring me some ham and eggs."
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the man, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The neighbor responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
lol they took a break from home building the other day and brought a gator and a turtle to the nest,then one day a snake was inspecting their handiwork,luckily they were not home or I fear the snake would have been lunch
A funny headstone > HERE ARE THE FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE THAT > RUSSELL J. LARSEN HAD INSCRIBED ON HIS HEADSTONE IN LOGAN, UTAH. HE > DIED NOT KNOWING THAT HE WOULD WIN THE "COOLEST HEADSTONE" CONTEST. > > FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE: > 1. IT'S IMPORTANT TO HAVE A WOMAN WHO HELPS AT HOME, COOKS FROM TIME > TO TIME, CLEANS UP, AND HAS A JOB. > > 2. IT'S IMPORTANT TO HAVE A WOMAN WHO CAN MAKE YOU LAUGH. > > 3. IT'S IMPORTANT TO HAVE A WOMAN WHO YOU CAN TRUST, AND DOESN'T LIE > TO YOU. > > 4. IT'S IMPORTANT TO HAVE A WOMAN WHO IS GOOD IN BED, AND LIKES TO BE > WITH YOU. > > 5. IT'S VERY, VERY IMPORTANT THAT THESE FOUR WOMEN DO NOT KNOW EACH > OTHER OR YOU COULD END UP DEAD LIKE ME.
ol Don. To simply thank you for giving us such delightful readings to laugh over, does not seem enough. But THANK YOU for another belly laugh. It - and you - have made my day!
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know, explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad" "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad.." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later.. "Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get some boobs too."
Did you hear the one about the ................ Penis Surgery
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything; however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch." The man perks up.
So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes," says the man." "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always Catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants. At age 12 success is . . . Having friends. At age 17 success is . . . Having a driver's license. At age 35 success is . . . Having money. At age 50 success is . . . Having money. At age 70 success is . . . Having a driver’s license. At age 75 success is . . . Having friends. At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500." Lynn Lavner
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!" Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy. Steve Martin
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life. Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“One hundred and fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
“Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” He asked.
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. There's no-one under there now.”
My youngest son used to recite that poem all the time, from when he was about 5 til …. hmmm not sure he's stopped yet. he also got me doing it. I love that poem!
Lorrie, yes I do live in the states & it really hasn't been funny. Maybe my attempt at sarcasm fell flat. All I can say at this point is I'm so glad that part of it is over....way too much stress & dissension. I cannot ever remember anything like this has been.
Thanks Myrtle, for helping Lorrie know where I live.
Yes..... Yes.....Yes .... I agree.... Here in the U.S. we do need some humor. I live in California and I only voted for one candidate But I voted on all 19 of the state propositions.
Everything I voted for lost, except for one proposition ....... YIPPIE .... Now we can have fun with Marijuana .........
What a great summary of where America is right now.
I'm copying it to send to some of my friends. I'm thinking that you purposely put it on the "Let's have some humor page" ......It actually is kind of humorous. My son, who lives in Singapore, tells me that in that country they are all having a good time laughing at us.
Also. Wolf...... Thanks for the tip, on the computer skills page. .
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial. Here is her story in her own words: "While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlements and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12 foot alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. “If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible." "His insurance was the big bonus. I’m comfortable now."
Once there was a young boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stunk all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of the river and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse in the water. One day after a spring rain, the river was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse in, So he got a large pole and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled in and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the river today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." The dad replied, "Son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
This is what all of us: 70+, other seniors, and kids (south of 60) have to look forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted living center.
The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.
When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.
The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he promised that he would pay her a large sum of money if she would return to Italy to secretly have the child.
Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but she asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he advised her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife.
Honey, she said, "You received a very strange postcard today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he replied.
The wife obeyed, and watched her husband as he read the card. He turned white and fainted.
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs. Two without."
Some funny ones to put a smile on your face, then it was worth sending to you Happy Holidays !
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
If i had a dollar for every girl , (or boy) that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.
Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Here's one from Ships Nostalgia, an online site I find good for research on my latest book:
Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule:
Don't hit the ducks in your first three months here!!!
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, "The ducks?"
"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he quacks then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."
Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere.
Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacked, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, "Who hit the duck?"
The guy who had done it admitted, "I did."
St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand.
"I told you not to hit the ducks,", he said. Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did.
The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.
St. Peter cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said; "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck.
After three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck.
St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and wondered aloud, "I wonder what I did to deserve this?
The woman responds, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."
So there he was himself ...Sean Patrick O'Flannerty.....the tallest boy in his third grade class...
All the boys were sent to the lavatory to use the facilities at 10:00 am as usual and when Sean was at the urinal he looked about him and was puzzled at what he saw...
He thought about it all day and after dinner he asked his "Da" if he could ask him a question which his Father said yes to...
Sean said...."Da...today I was using the urinal on the wall like the other boys and I looked around and noticed that I have a much larger penis than everyone else...is it because I"m Irish Da"?
His father took the pipe from his mouth and said...."No lad....it has nothing to do with you being Irish"...
.....with a look of confusion on his face Sean said, "Well if it isn't because I'm Irish...then what could it be Da"
His father looked at him and said..."Sean....it's because you're 18"......
1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 35)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 45)
1. Not too ugly 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8.. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 55)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Can drive a Caravan 4. Can cook a BBQ 5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times 6. Appreciates a good TV dinner 7. Helps with the housework
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 65)
1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where I have put things
3. Can still drive a car at night 4. Only snores lightly when asleep 5. Remembers why he's laughing 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Doesn't notice my facial hair and wrinkles 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Stops trying to tell jokes
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 75)
1. Breathing. 2. Doesn't miss the toilet. 3. Remembers where we both live.
AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL.
NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.
IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN.SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS!
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up
> Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large > bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal > pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, who weighs 191 lbs. > I was in the check-out line when a woman > behind me asked if I had a dog. > What did she think I had, an elephant? > So, because I'm retired and have little > to do, on impulse I told her that > no, I didn't have a dog; I was starting the Purina Diet > again. I added that > I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital > last time, but that > I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive > care ward with tubes > coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. > I told her that it was essentially a > Perfect Diet and that the way that it > works is to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and > simply eat one > or two every time you feel hungry. The food is > nutritionally complete, so > it works well and I was going to try it again. > (Now I have to mention here that > practically everyone in line was now > enthralled with my story.) > Horrified, she asked if I ended up in > intensive care, because the dog food > poisoned me. > I told her no, I stopped to pee on a Fire > Hydrant and a car hit me. > I thought the guy behind her was going to > have a heart attack he was > laughing so hard. > Costco won't let me shop there > anymore. Better watch what you ask retired > people. They have all the time in the world to think of > crazy things to say.
ol Don, life can too often be heartbreaking but just knowing that you've added something to this Thread lifts my spirits and has me laughing for a long time. My siblings & kids too benefit from your humor. We all bless you!!
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few weeks later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A month later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." He must be going some place where he gets seen right away. A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
>Most > seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
>Then > God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
>Then > God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
>So > if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
>Important > Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
> #9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
> #8 Life is sexually transmitted
> #7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
> #6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
> #5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
> #4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
> #3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
> #2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. > #1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
>Please > share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom again.......