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      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJan 20th 2016
    The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.

    The results of a study just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations B.O.H. Team show that:

    North American men between 60 and 75 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.

    This has come as very upsetting news to a lot of men I know, as none of us had any idea we were Japanese.
    ol don*
    don't tell anybody, but I love your sense of humor - gentle, but not too naughty - particularly, don't tell our dear departed spouses - they might agree -
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJan 22nd 2016
    Chinese Torture A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I�m lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn�t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man�s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn�t hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that�s pretty crappy," he thought. "If that�s the best the old man can do then I don�t have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJan 23rd 2016
    Nancy 8 minutes ago

    Butch the Rooster

    Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

    Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning, she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

    Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention? Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJan 23rd 2016
    A kindergarten teacher was helping one of her students put his boots on. He had asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.

    When the second boot was on, she was nearly out of breath.

    She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”

    She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as they worked together to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.

    He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

    She bit her tongue rather than scream, “Why didn’t you say so earlier?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

    He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”

    She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, Now, where are your gloves?”

    He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”
    • CommentAuthorRona
    • CommentTimeJan 24th 2016
    A man wakes up the hospital in bandages from head to toe. Once he is awake the doctor comes in to his room and asks him How he is and tells him he was in a major pileup on the freeway and he has some bad news for him. During the accident his penis was severed and they were not able to find it. The man groaned and was very upset. The doctor said his insurance company pays $9000 for a lost member like this and the good news is with plastic surgery techniques these days they can make a new one and it will operate as usual in fact could be better than the old one. The man brighten up. However the doctor said it is not cheap in fact you pay by the inch and it is about a $1000 an inch.

    He also said that after being married for 25 years this is a decision he shouldn't make alone he should discuss it with his wife as it affects her too. If you were to opt for a 9 inch model when you only had 5 inches before this may be overwhelming and uncomfortable for your wife and on the other hand if you had a 9 inch one and opted for the 5 well she might be disappointed.

    So the man agreed to talk to his wife that night about it.

    The next morning the doctor arrived and asked if the man had talked to his wife. He said yes I did. The doctor asked well did you make a decision.

    The man said yes. We are going to get granite counter tops!
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJan 25th 2016
    I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses.

    A young lady walks over to me and asks, "what brings you in

    I looked at her, and said, I'm interested in buying a refrigerator.
    She didn't quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that

    I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell
    phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.

    I can't afford one.

    So I'm wearing my garage door opener.

    You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before

    I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

    I was thinking that women should put pictures

    of missing husbands on beer cans!

    I was thinking about old age and decided that old age

    is when you still have something on the ball

    but you are just too tired to bounce it.

    I thought about making a fitness for

    folks my age and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

    When people see a cat's litter box they always say,

    'Oh, have you got a cat?'

    Just once I want to say,

    'No, it's for company!'

    Employment application blanks always ask

    who is to be called in case of an emergency.

    I think you should write,“An ambulance”.

    I was thinking about how people seem to read the

    Bible a whole lot more as they get older.

    Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their

    As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

    Birds of a feather flock together and then potty on your

    The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because

    by then your body and your fat have gotten
    to be really good friends.

    The easiest way to find something lost

    around the house is to buy a replacement.

    Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

    The sole purpose of a child's middle name

    is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

    Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words

    'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

    Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when

    you stop lying about your age and start bragging about

    You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or

    Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

    Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me.

    want people to know 'WHY' I look this way.

    I've traveled a long way and

    some of the roads weren't paved.

    Lord, “PLEASE” Keep your arm around my

    shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
    • CommentAuthorMim
    • CommentTimeJan 25th 2016
    Rona,that was funny!!
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJan 27th 2016
    Elderly Prenup

    An elderly couple reaching their 70s are about to get married, but before they say their vows, the woman wanted to talk.

    She said: "I want to keep my house."

    He said: "That's fine with me."

    She said: "I want to keep my Cadillac."

    He said: "That's fine with me."

    She said: "And I want to have sex 6 times a week."

    He said: "Put me down for Fridays."
    Subject: The RAT: Food or Sex.....

    It was a practical session in the psychology class.
    The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.
    The rat was in the middle of the cage.
    Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on one side and kept a female rat on the other side.
    The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.
    Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread.
    The male rat ran towards the bread.
    This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.
    And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.
    The professor exclaimed: This experiment shows that food is a more basic need than sex.
    Then, one of the students from the back rows said: "Sir, why don't you change the female rat? She may be his wife!"
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeFeb 1st 2016
    A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted,she pulls out a syringe to give him an anesthesia shot,the guy freaks out and says no shots for me I don't like needles.
    So she starts to hook up nitrous oxide tank,no no he screams can't stand a mask on my face
    Dentist then asks if he's able to take a pill and he replies ya I'm good with pills,so she hands him two little blue pills which he swallows and then asks what they are
    Viagra she replied,Viagra? I didn't know that was used as a pain killer,its isn't she said,it will give you something to hang on to when I pull your tooth
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeFeb 3rd 2016
    A cowboy walks into a seedy old café in Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of meaty chili.

    After a few minutes of just watching him staring at the chili, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

    The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."

    "Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

    The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.

    The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeFeb 5th 2016
    > Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
    > He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,
    > running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump,
    > and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad,
    > why are you doing that?' His father replied,
    > 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that
    > they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
    > Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad,
    > I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeFeb 5th 2016
    Two friends who grew old together made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other how life after death was. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

    After a long life , Dan was the first to die. Benny mourned him, and waited for him to come and visit.

    True to his word, two months later, as Benny was sleeping, the voice of Dan appeared in his head.



    "My gosh... Is that you, Dan?"

    "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

    "That's wonderful! What's it like?"

    "Well, I get up in the morning, I have intercourse. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have intercourse again, bathe in the warm sun and then have intercourse a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (keeping healthy, lots of greens).

    Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have intercourse the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more intercourse until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".

    "Wow, Dan! Heaven sounds amazing!"

    "What heaven? I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeFeb 6th 2016
    A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

    "Dear Dad,

    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and mom.

    I've found real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

    But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

    Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

    In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

    Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

    With love,

    your son, Joshua.

    P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home
    For anyone that didn't see it in the AARP magazine...What do you call a singing computer?
    A Dell
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeFeb 10th 2016
    Kids Talking About the Ocean - Priceless!

    1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

    2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

    3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
    have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

    4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
    Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

    5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
    (Billy, age 8)

    6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
    pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

    7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
    ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle
    to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better
    off eating beans. (William, age 7)

    8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
    I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
    like, really? (Helen, age 6)

    9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
    always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has
    just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

    10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
    give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
    they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

    11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my
    willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

    12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
    go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

    13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
    going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right
    up her big fat ass (Julie, age 7)

    14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish Why the fish don't drown
    I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

    15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
    what he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom
    (James, age 7)
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeFeb 25th 2016
    Hot and cold sex -

    After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

    "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

    Later, after examining the man's elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears To be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?

    She replied that she had no questions or concerns.

    The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern . He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?

    "Oh that crazy old fool " she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMar 5th 2016
    > Two 90-year-old women ....
    > Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.
    > When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
    > One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School.
    > Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
    > Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years.
    > If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
    > Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
    > A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
    > 'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
    > 'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
    > 'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
    > 'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
    > 'Rose! Where are you?'
    > 'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
    > 'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
    > 'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us
    > are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows.
    > And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
    > 'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
    > 'You're pitching Tuesday.'
    > Life is uncertain - eat dessert first.
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMar 10th 2016
    Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when
    he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy , I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

    Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."
    The priest said, "Well, Murphy , I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind? Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
    With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said;" After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh ?"

    Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery ' I remembered where I left me hat."
    A foursome of golfers, all in
    their 40's thought they should meet forlunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because
    the waitresses were young, good looking, had big chests and

    years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they
    should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
    Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to
    watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.

    Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again
    discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they
    would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in
    peace, and it was good value for the money.

    years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch.
    Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the
    restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the

    years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for
    lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because
    they had never been there before.
    • CommentTimeMar 12th 2016 edited
    Ol don, I found a box of old newspaper clippings written by Eric in the 70's. Are you interested in a few of them? I'm pretty sure I've got your mailing address. Yes, I just checked, and I do, that is if you haven't moved lately. Greetings to the dawg.
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMar 13th 2016
    Sure Mary would love anything he has written,hope all is well,the dawg and I have made it thru another winter,with her approval I'm looking forward to a great summer,thanks, your a sweetheart for remembering how much I enjoy Eric's work.
    • CommentTimeMar 14th 2016
    Mailing them today. See letter inside. Regards to your half of the dog.
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMar 15th 2016
    A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

    "Is your Dad home?"

    "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

    "Well, is your Mother here?"

    "No sir, she went to town with Dad."

    "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

    "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

    The rancher stood there for a minute, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

    "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message for ya."

    "Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzie pregnant."

    The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMar 19th 2016
    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing, and would therefore never have to testify in court.

    When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

    The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

    The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

    Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

    The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

    Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

    The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

    The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
    hahaha...good one ol Don!
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMar 23rd 2016
    After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

    He looked at her carefully, then said, "You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

    "What does that mean?" she asked suspiciously.

    He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!"
    couple joke

    She beamed at him happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?"

    "I'm Just Kidding!"

    (The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMar 26th 2016
    A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.

    Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

    The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.

    The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.

    "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

    Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.

    "Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."

    The social workers are finally satisfied.

    They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

    "It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"
    • CommentTimeMar 26th 2016 edited
    Try this one for a smile.

    SORRY, IT DIDN'T WORK. It was a story of a five-year-old in Maine who has a duck who thinks the girl is her mom.
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMar 26th 2016
    Worked for me Mary,quite a story, thanks for posting
    Mary, it worked for me too. Really cute.
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMar 29th 2016
    A woman went to the Doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

    After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said,

    "Does she still have the hiccups?"
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeApr 2nd 2016
    Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

    Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"

    "It's John, and I am Okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

    "John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her thin white robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

    "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

    "Oh, come on now" Elizabeth insisted.

    She was beautiful, very sexy and very persuasive. I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."

    After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."

    "Don't be silly!!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

    "Still under the cart, I guess."
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeApr 15th 2016

    We will heel you

    We will save your sole

    We will even dye for you.

    Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:

    "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

    In a Podiatrist's office:

    "Time wounds all heels."

    On a Septic Tank Truck:

    Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

    At an Optometrist's Office:

    "If you don't see what you're looking for,

    You've come to the right place."

    On a Plumber's truck :

    "We repair what your husband fixed."

    On another Plumber's truck:

    "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

    At a Tyre (Tire) Shop in Milwaukee :

    "Invite us to your next blowout."

    On an Electrician's truck:

    "Let us remove your shorts."

    In a Non-smoking Area:

    "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action."

    On a Maternity Room door:

    "Push. Push. Push."

    At a Car Dealership:

    "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

    Outside a Muffler Shop:

    "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

    In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

    "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

    At the Electric Company:

    "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.

    However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted."

    In a Restaurant window:

    "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

    In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

    "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

    At a Propane Filling Station:

    "Thank Heaven for little grills."

    In a Chicago Radiator Shop:

    "Best place in town to take a leak."
    • CommentTimeApr 15th 2016
    Good ones, Don.
    Thank you, Old Don.....I always enjoy your humor. I always think
    about it during the day and try to remember some of it so I can
    pass it around this place.
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeApr 21st 2016
    Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise; Ed fell head over heels for her.

    When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love.

    Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant.

    While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you.

    I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

    Linda paused- responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.

    I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally
    honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

    Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeApr 21st 2016
    Recruiting a soldier . . .

    I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military.

    They've got the whole thing backwards!

    Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

    Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' Were bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some ugly bastid that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.....

    An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell!

    Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-biatch.

    If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

    Boot camp would be easier for old guys, . . . .

    We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

    They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training.

    Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too . . . . I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

    An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave or to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

    These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

    Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million hacked off old farts with bad attitudes, automatic weapons, and who know their best years are already behind them.

    HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50, . . . in menopause!

    You think MEN have attitudes? Ohhhhhhhh my god!!!

    If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

    Last edited by Baits Out; 02-28-2016 at 12:03 PM.

    I’m only responsible for what I say -- not for what others think they understand.

    Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the "m" is silent.

    America! Keep calm and return fire.
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeApr 21st 2016
    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."

    The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

    The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

    The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law, I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeApr 21st 2016
    An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
    pharmacist for Viagra.

    The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

    The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

    The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."

    The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex
    anymore, as I'm over 80 years old.

    I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes
    Old Don.....You do a great job keeping this topic alive. We need it.
    Your little Viagra story reminded me of something that happened at our Lions Club

    Hillary was the only bachelor in our Lion's Club a few years ago, and we were having a great discussion about the Viagra adds we were seeing on television. In particular, the line about "If your erection lasts longer than four hours, call your doctor right away". Hillary, who is usually kind of quiet, Shouts out............"What a bunch of baloney that is.........If I had an erection that lasted four hours, I would never, ever, call a doctor......I would call every girl friend that I ever knew"

    Now.....There just happens to be another story that is related to this.

    Recently, I moved into a retirement community called Hillcrest, run by the Church Of The Brethren ...... I realized that I had almost completely worn out this old body that I had lived in for 94 years. I cant see much....can hardly hear anything.....can barley walk....My little brain can't think or remember much. The only thing that still works is my big mouth, and it's usually working over time.

    My three sisters and I were having our usual Saturday luncheon in the little Hillcrest café and for some reason I was telling them the little story about Hillary and when it came to where Hillary yelled out........"What a bunch of baloney that is.........If I had an erection that lasted four hours, I would never, ever, call a doctor......I would call every girl friend that I ever knew" ......I yelled it out just like Hillary
    did ..........That's when my sister Mildred jumped up and started yelling at me .... "George ... George ...Be quiet ... Shut up ... Everybody's looking at us".

    Well......I did see some looks coming my way......Some scornful, some smiling, But I think everyone saw that I was just another old man doing what old men do. I really should have been embarrassed but old men don't embarrass easily. So I just gave Mildred one of my favorite poems.

    Sticks and stones will break my bones But looks will never hurt me.
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeApr 22nd 2016
    George,thats exactly what I've thought when I see that commercial lol great minds think alike
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeApr 24th 2016












    • CommentTimeApr 24th 2016
    Good one, Don.
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeApr 25th 2016
    Smile A Texas cowboy at a Wyoming bar . . .

    A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

    He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

    When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

    The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat
    after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at
    a time."

    The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an
    Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas

    When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink
    this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking
    one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

    The bartender admits that this is a nice
    custom, and leaves it there.

    The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

    He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
    All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

    When he comes back to the bar for the
    second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to
    intrude your grief, but I want to offer my condolences on
    your loss."

    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment,
    then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

    "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife
    joined the Baptist Church and I now have to quit drinking."

    "Hasn't affected my brothers though."
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeApr 25th 2016
    I agree with George that you do a great job putting a bit of humor into our lives.
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeApr 25th 2016
    With all the sadness that we all endure here,sometimes ya just gotta laugh a little,remember the good times and hope for better times,its hard for me to read the other posts knowing whats ahead for the new spouse's here,as a member of the club that no one wants to belong to wouldn't it be great if we all lived closer so we could get together and have a cold one,see how everyone is handeling their lives now,often wonder about Phranque,75 or should I say 86?,chipper guess ya have to keep busy and not dwell on the past,altho I keep busy I'm not good at letting go
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeApr 25th 2016
    A blonde gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

    "What's up?" she asks.

    "I think I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

    The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mummy, Mummy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe closet, and she has no clothes on!"

    The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband. She rips open the wardrobe closet door and sure enough, there's her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

    "You stupid idiot," she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids!"
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeApr 25th 2016
    Smile Oh Boy! Some redneck humor . . .

    Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire
    estate in trust for his beloved widow?
    She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

    What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
    The good ol' boy raises livestock.
    The redneck gets emotionally involved.

    What's the most popular pick up line in Tennessee?
    Nice tooth!

    How do you know when you're staying in an Arkansas hotel?
    When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and
    the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

    How can you tell if a redneck is married?
    There are tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

    What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
    In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.

    Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West
    Virginia to 32?
    It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

    What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
    A documentary.
    What do they call it in Kentucky?
    "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."

    How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
    Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

    Why did God invent armadillos?
    So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.