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    • CommentAuthorsheila1951
    • CommentTimeJun 15th 2011
    I thought of a funny saying tonight and thought maybe I would share it and you all can share yours.

    "Well! Butter my butt and call me a biscuit!"
    fill in the blank_________________ is just another crumbled cookie in the lunch bag of life...
    • CommentAuthorsheila1951
    • CommentTimeJun 15th 2011
    We need more funny comments on here....I'm in a downer mood and need a laugh.
    Love the crumbled cookie in the lunch bag of life tho!
    I think we all are in a downer sort of mood lately with so many deaths reported here about our cyber friends..for me, right now it is hard to come up with something clever..the above post is about as good as I can get with my brother in hospital and changes here at these days is just not funny. Maybe Pharanque can come up with something witty when he spies this thread..
    • CommentAuthorpeggy
    • CommentTimeJun 16th 2011
    I'm still laughing over a commercial on TV... I think it was chocolate covered Oreo cookies.. Each family member tries the cookie, mom comes in and all wait for her reaction.. She says,her eyes with disbelief at what she's eating .....Well,SHUT the front door.. Don't know why that makes me laugh,but hey, I need a laugh ANYWAY I can get it...
    Laughter I am told is good for the soul... laugh and the world laughs with you, Cry and you cry alone...Laughter reduces wrinkles... Now there's a reason to laugh....
    Great day to all...
    • CommentAuthorsheila1951
    • CommentTimeJun 16th 2011
    Tom and I love that commercial. "Well, shut the front door" is classic.....could have been "Well shut the f.... up".. That is what I expected the very first time i saw it!
    We laugh every time we see it!!!
    Go on the alzspuse FB and see the dog video. I had seen it before and it is a hoot.
    This is NOT political. I heard that, after the Republican Debate, Mitt Romney went to a local diner and suggested to the owner that she should serve Eggs Benedict on automobile hub caps because: "There's no place like chrome for the hollandaise".
    marsh-that's a real groaner ;o)
    I have found I can vacuum my cat. No kidding. Last week and this week when I went to vacuum she would not move off her pillow so I could clean it. So I started vacuuming around her and then near her and then on her. She seems to like it. She is 10 years old and the best cat I have ever had. And now easy to keep clean :) The other cat runs when I get the vacuum out of the closet.
    • CommentTimeJun 17th 2011
    All I can say is that after reading all of these I am as confused as a chicken watching a caard trick.

    • CommentAuthorsheila1951
    • CommentTimeJun 17th 2011
    We are having some bad weather in Kansas.....raining harder than a cow p*ssing on a flat rock. And it is hotter than a 10 pe*+ered billy goat!
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJun 18th 2011
    hot hot you say,its so hot here the trees are whistling for the dawgs,the farmers are feeding crushed ice to the chickens so they don't lay hard boiled eggs,an the Detroit Lions fans are taking the bags off their heads,now thats hot
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeJun 18th 2011
    Buying a car in the south. Don't drink coffee while watching because you'll mess up your keyboard.
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeJun 18th 2011
    Old Butch

    John was in the fertilized egg business.

    He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

    He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

    This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

    Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

    Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

    John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

    When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

    To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

    He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

    John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

    The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

    Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

    Vote carefully this year, the bells are not always audible.
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeJun 18th 2011
    A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

    Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life ?"

    Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

    Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

    The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life ?"

    Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay," and he makes an eagle.

    On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say
    anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match
    be worth giving up the rest of your sex life ?"

    "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

    As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the Devil and, from this day forward, you will have no sex life."

    "Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."
    • CommentTimeJun 18th 2011
    Hi Everyone,

    If you look at the sky tonight and notice that the most wonderful and
    precious star is missing, don't be alarmed! I dont know how the heck I fell
    but I am okay!

    Just had to share this. Found a picture my son had drawn when he was 8. It was a giraffe eating. Caption underneath said, "A giraffe would enjoy his breakfast much more if he started to eat it the evening before."
    Vickie-what a treasure to keep. Will remind you of happier days.
    My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have Sex?"
    "No," she answered.
    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes"
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And that's when the fight started..
    • CommentAuthorpeggy
    • CommentTimeJun 24th 2011
    phranque, I'm just fiesty enough to "phone the friend"...thanks for the laughs I get from these postings...I may phone a friend anyway??????
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJun 24th 2011
    How to determine your best friend
    Put your wife an your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour an see which one is happy to see you.
    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
    I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
    And then the fight started...
    • CommentAuthornellie
    • CommentTimeJun 24th 2011
    I'm speechless! Made me laugh.
    Ol Don...make sure you let the dog out first....he will shut up.
    Hmmm I think I am ready to "Ask the audience".....
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeJun 25th 2011
    Who? Who? Who let the dogs out?

    Couldn't resist. Good to see you out and about. Here's something just for you.

    There once was a man named Phranque
    Uncommon in the file and rank
    Because you see
    He made comedy
    And everyone laughed their thanks
  14. are a gem.......thanks for the chuckle....
      CommentAuthorBama* 2/12
    • CommentTimeJun 25th 2011
    You, two, must have been separated at birth or in other are two peas in a pod. Or maybe, I could throw son, David, in the mix and call ya'll "the comedy team"....♥♥♥
    • CommentAuthorElaineH
    • CommentTimeJun 25th 2011
    Or the 3 stooges!
    Police headquarters was broken into last night. All the toilets were stolen.
    Investigators have nothing to go on.
    • CommentAuthorsheila1951
    • CommentTimeJun 29th 2011
    BWAhhhhh. Good one Phranque!

    If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?

    Why do gerillas have big nostralls?
    Coz they got big fingers!!!!!!!!!

    Two muffins are in the oven.
    One says to the other "God it's hot in here"
    The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJun 30th 2011
    I want to die peacefully like my grandfather,not like the other passengers in his car screaming an yelling

    I asked God for a bike but I know he doesn't work like that so I stole one an asked for forgivness

    If four or of five people suffer from diarrhea does that mean one enjoys it?

    If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes why do some people have more than one child?

    Just remember if the world didn't suck we'd all fall off
    • CommentAuthorcarosi*
    • CommentTimeJul 1st 2011
    A couple, aged 67, went to the Doctor’s Office. The Dr. said, “What can I do for you?”
    The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”
    The Dr. looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the Dr. said, “there’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. And he charged them $10.
    This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the Dr. and leave.

    Finally the Dr. asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
    The olds man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can’t go to her house. I am married and we can’t go to my house. Holiday Inn charges $22; Hilton Hotel charges $27. We do it here for $10 and I get $8 back from Medicare for a visit to the Doctor’s Office.
    • CommentAuthorcarosi*
    • CommentTimeJul 1st 2011
    A young couple , just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said, “Here, put these pants on.”
    As she put on his trousers, the waist was twice the size of her body, “I can’t wear these pants,” she said.
    The husband replied, “That’s right and never forget it,because I’m the guy that wears the pants in this family.”
    With that, his wife slipped her panties to him and said, “Here, try to get into these.”
    He tried to pull them on, but couldn’t quuite make it to his kneecap, and said, “Hell, I can’t get into your pants.”
    She said, “That’s right. And that’s the way it’s going to be until your damn attitude changes.”
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJul 9th 2011
    Flash due to a recent study it has been determined that senior citizens have more aids than any other age group:
    hearing aids
    walking aids
    medical aids
    an most of all monetary aids to their kids

    A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy
    Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good
    doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

    'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental
    deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

    'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should
    answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

    'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

    Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died
    during one of them. Which one?''

    Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't
    happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
    Baby's First Doctor Visit

    This made me laugh out loud I hope it brings you a smile

    A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed", she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her
    nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning for her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know", she said. "I'm his Grandmother. But I'm so glad I came."
    These are all true stories and I will give credit where it belongs.

    1. A man comes into the ER and yells ..."My wife's going to have her baby in the cab". I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.
    Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald - San Francisco

    2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths ..., I instructed" "Yes, they used to be" replied the patient.
    Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes - Seattle, WA

    3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a massive internal fart.
    Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinburg

    4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, the doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one", I asked? "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
    Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair - Norfolk, VA

    5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
    Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson - Corvallis, OR

    6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste." Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet of "KY" Jelly.
    Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf - Detroit

    7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered ... It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patients dressing which said, "Sorry, but I had to mow the lawn."
    Submitted by an RN - no name

    8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover up my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady, upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm, sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard, "No doctor. But the song you were whistling was 'I Wish I Were An Oscar Meyer Wiener'
    Dr, wouldn't submit his name
    • CommentTimeJul 21st 2011
    HA!!! that was great Phranque! Thanks for my laugh of the day :D
    Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

    She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

    My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am.

    Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

    I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

    I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

    Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

    The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

    I told her it was chicken.

    She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.

    So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

    She sent me back to the principal's office again.

    He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

    I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

    Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

    I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

    Guess where I am now...
    A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

    He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

    No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

    Never mind.
    Wife: Why do you always carry my photo in your wallet?
    Husband: When there is a problem , no matter how big , I look at your photo and the problem disappears.
    Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
    Husband: Yes , I see your picture and say to myself , "What other problem can be greater than this one?"

    Interviewer to Millionaire:
    To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?
    Millionaire: I owe everything to my wife.
    Interviewer: Wow , she must be some woman.
    What were you before you married her?
    Millionaire: A billionaire.
    • CommentAuthorElaineH
    • CommentTimeJul 22nd 2011
    Phranque, friends on facebook were wondering if anyone has heard from you, now I know where you were. Researching ways to make us LAUGH! THANKS!
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJul 22nd 2011
    A young women is standing near the middle of a bridge looking forlorn an stareing at the water below.a sailor noticed her an quickly went to her side an asked if there was a problem.the girl looked him over an said my life is a shambles,I have no job,my husband left me an I'm thinking of jumping an put an end to it all,the sailor told her she could stow away on his ship an go to Italy,he would care for her an assure her of food an safety,she had always wanted to see Italy so she quickly excepted his invitation an was soon hidden away below deck in a comfortable little room an every night the sailor would bring sanwiches an a bottle of wine an they would make love for hours on end.One day the captain of the ship making an inspection found her an asked what she was doing there,the young woman replied I have an arrangement with one of your sailors,he 's taking me to Italy an every night he brings me food an wine an then he screws me,yes he does the Capt replied this is the Statin Island ferry
    ol don, your maritime joke reminds me of one that dates back to WW-II days. Following VJ-day, a troop ship was pulling back into the port of San Francisco with thousands of homesick sailors lining the rails and eager families on the dock scanning the sailors for a glimpse of their loved ones. Finally one young sailor and his wife's eyes met and he shouted down "FF!", to which she replied "EF!", and this exchange was repeated several times. A buddy standing next to the sailor asked him what all the FF/EF shouting was about, and the sailor replied, "Aw hell, she wants to EAT FIRST!"
    • CommentTimeJul 22nd 2011
    Thanks, Gourdchipper. I needed a laugh today.
    • CommentAuthorsheila1951
    • CommentTimeJul 22nd 2011
    He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He
    approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."

    Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves,
    slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

    I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a
    slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.

    And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

    Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

    Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .

    "Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."
    • CommentAuthorsheila1951
    • CommentTimeJul 22nd 2011

    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

    Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

    The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

    At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
    The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

    That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

    "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
    The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

    10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

    Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'

    The boy turns, and whispers back,

    'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!'