This morning I woke from a dream and with a little patience I remembered the part that woke me. One of my first cousins whom as a very young child I had 'explored' with innocently was in my bed as a teenager and even though we were both in our birthday suits - I wrapped myself tightly around her and hugged her like my life depended on it.
My subconcious mind was creating a story to give me something of the thing that has been so hard to face that I've never been aware of it - and used the most intimate/innocent and therefore convincing story to create that in my sleep. While my dreams used to be populated with my DW in various ways - it hasn't been for some time because reality is too deep to be convinced of it for me.
I invested my deepest needs for affection in my wife. We both did I believe. All those hearfelt hugs and little touches and even looks. Not just the physical part but all the history and meaning in all those different displays of affection . Which I am now not receiving or have anyone of the same meaning to give them to.
I notice by searching that no topic available in the records has the word 'affection' in it.
My wife tells me almost every time she sees me that she loves me. She hugs me and even touches where it isn't just searching for things being ok. It's the apparent same thing but it isn't because I understand.
Like music off by a few notes which irks us, this is not that.
The blend of intimacies, tonalities, the situational moments, and the reception to those things are different for everyone depending on our comfort zones and the specific meanings each thing has all of which has been earned and learned and woven and rewoven to a fine art over the years. One note off and you notice.
Someone once asked me when people transition out of love and into a couple. I offered that it probably involved the end of french kissing. While I believe that is overall true, I mention it here because that will probably get the same reaction - but resoundingly prove the point that whatever we say we are all very particular about what intimacy and in this topic affection are and are not. It's a dance developed over years between just two people and remains very important even as sex itself moves down the hierarchy of needs.
The heat at the beginning fades, even the act of sex itself fades, but affection whatever that meant between us was built up over a lifetime and it is the only thing that my DW still can do even as she can't hold a fork, walk, dress, speak, or go to the bathroom - she can still come up and rub my neck or touch me in ways only I know are not about AD; but, are still remnants of 'us'.
I suspect that is a large piece of how we view life afterwards. Which is relatively defensively. It's no wonder. The need for genuine affection runs very deep and our childs affection or a friend are good but not the same thing.
And allowing someone else in is viewed with suspicion. You can move in with someone and come to sensible arrangements and that can be good - but you can only offer affection from your heart. And you only accept it fully when you are convinced of it's authenticity. It's a very, very deep need.
I've made up my mind this morning that if I do become lonely afterwards, I'm getting a dog. Probably a mature dog who has their own losses in life. Then I will earn their affection. And then I will have it. The cats will be very put out; but, sometimes we all have to give a little to make things work.
I am losing my wife, and much of my former life, and life has become hard. But what's really hurting inside is that I've lost getting and giving the affection that took a lifetime to develop, whatever that means for each of us, which is frankly not replaceable and not the same as children, friends, or pets.
That is the crux of the problem about afterwards. We can say whatever words or have whatever thoughts we like; but, the truth is the acid test is whether we start to offer our genuine affection to anyone else. Or whether we have too much pain, resentment, reluctance, annoyance, and fear now that it has been or is being taken away.
And like that story about the 20 and 30 year old, being older matters because we have developed lifelong viewpoints and requirements that, whether we admit them or not, play a huge role. The 20 year old asked out may well say "sure" and decide from what happens. The 30 year old looks at the offer up and down and says "I don't think so". Extrapolate that out to you and you can see what I mean. At 70 that means a sign on the lawn that says "don't come near me".
Yup, I'm getting a dog somewhere and the only thing it has to offer is unmitigated affection - so any dog.
Wolf, I already have a very devoted, affectionate dog, so I don’t even have to go out & look for one. As of my thinking now, I will not do this again, so a dog it is!
I love the musical slightly-off-note analogy. Naturally it makes perfect sense to me, because what you are describing—the loss of the affectionate knowing of the other—is impossible to describe in literal terms, and one of those concepts which is not entirely graspable to people who have not experienced it. I have hinted at this loss in trying to explain how it is for me to Jeff's siblings or other interested parties, but even someone who has experienced his/her own relationship of emotionally intimate affection can only imagine what it feels like as that mutual knowing of the other fades into Alzheimer's. So they don't entirely get it.
A dog might be the thing. I am not resolved that another relationship with a human, even at a level less developed by years and shared experiences, is NOT in my future, but I sure don't count on it. So, a dog it might be.
I have cats too and will stick with them. I don't dislike dogs but cats are much less work and my Ebonie thinks she is my mother and I am her kitten...works for me these days.
I know this is a bit premature but in reading this, I hear the needs of caring , nurturing, and yes, loving people coming out... We have given what we think, now, is every ounce of love possible to our LO... I will not cut myself off from the possibility of a relationship that I see as surpasses anything I've experienced thus far... I am in my 70's, keep myself fit,, have to , to deal with day to day events with DH......this disease has killed all but the caring and the need to see our spouses thru their journey.. After years of searching my heart and soul for what I want in my future, I will not be adverse to a future love that will rock your socks off.. If this is fantasy, then great, it is my dream and I need a dream... Not getting a dog here.... unless he's two legged and french kisses... Thanks, Wolfe, for opening this discussion...Affection is something we all miss with a vengeance... a touch in the right place, an unexpected encounter after the dishes are done, sitting out on a dark patio, making out.... We all miss this,,, but by cracky, I'll dream of it again... Tired, not dead, here Have faith, my friends....there will be a life AFTER AD... Love You all
Me neither and don't want a dog or cat to care for. If I have any energy left, I want to travel, go shopping, redecorate the house, have dinner with friends, have some big dinners/picnics here for family and friends, do special things with my grandchildren, start singing in the church choir again, and have time to read (I'll get a kindle) and watch movies. Lots of things still on my bucket list.
No dogs for me either! Last inside dog never got housebroke and gave to son. Outside dog just roams - gone for weeks, comes home to rest and gone again. Male dog!
Well I guess I'll get my two cents worth in for what its worth(maybe less than 2 cents) I've come to the conclusion that life is for living,an while I will never abandon my LO I am not going to go quietly into the night,being 74 I know I'm on the downside of the mountain an gaining speed but I'll be damned if I'm gonna let this disease ruin two lives,I have a dog and as long as I feed her I'm her bosom buddy,however I need a little more than the companionship she can offer an I intend to enjoy what time I have left,an if all go's well perhaps I'll be shot by a jealous husband when I'm 99.I know we're all a little shell schocked if you will by this disease but not everyone will be affected by it,I know I'm in the minority by the replies above but at this moment thats just how I feel
I already have a dog and he does what ever he wants to, just too hard headed to give in. I do not want to live alone anymore. I am sorry for what has happened to DW, but she has been gone for sometime there is a shell of a person in her body, she is loosing the battle to this damn disease. I do not know how many more years she has left, she is in good health otherwise.
I have a cat but she is cat all the way - independent. Any affection is on her terms. Maybe a dog - a rescue dog that will appreciate the love.
My life has been detached for the most part but I still dream of a 'Ozzie and Harriet' relationship (except sleep in same bed). I keep thinking if I find the right man he will show affection, say 'I love you' and will melt this hard heart.
As Wolf started with - doesn't hurt to dream. In the meantime life goes on. Can't remember the last time I heard 'I love you'.
wolf said it very well. it is the intimacy that you miss the most. even the touches while still warm and loving have taken on a different feeling and therefore cause a different feeling. and when i look into her once beautiful blue eyes so many times i see that blank stare. then when she realizes i am looking the twinkle comes back but the feelings have changed. somehow it is not the same. many of the little messages between us go unnoticed . it is hard to realize the this disease always wins sooner or later. she is now off the namenda and aricept use of it was becoming questionable. now its sleep all day and night and if and when she wakes up maybe for an hour or so. she has no appetite and never knows if she is hungry or thirsty or not. i feed her if she will eat and give her soemthing to drink if she will but like i told the dr monday you cant make a horse drink. and to wolf, i have three dogs two of which are attached to my DW but the third is a boxer lab and her attachment is to me. she is never far away from me but no matter how much attention she gives it is still not human. so i am still in limbo. but after 50 years with the love of my life and dont know what if anything i have to offer to anyone else. sometime scraps are hard to swallow even for a very lonely person.
If not for dreams, what have we?? We do the very best, go the last mile, smile when there is nothing to smile about and keep up a facade for our LO's, all because we want to do the best for them....Guilt is becoming less with me , for at the end of the day, tho I am exhausted, I know that you and I have done our best.... That dream is something I go to when all else seems hopeless..,when nothing makes him happy and when he seems bent on picking at my every intent.. It is my survival or hopes of one... loveyou all Peggy
I have been reading these blogs with great interest because I think I am at the beginning of this journey. But I think there is great danger of saying "After"... How do you really know you will outlive your afflicted spouse? I had a great scare in Nov last year... I thought I was having a heart attack and had to have emerg. surg. but it was just my gall bladder. I am healed but it reminded me that though I think I am soooo healthy and can handle all this there may be no AFTER I may indeed go any time. So if you have great needs or desires, or something you really want to do to make your life happy or bearable I say go for it. There have been times when I have had the Fight or Flight reflex so strong I can feel the adrenaline pumping (usu to flee) but I stay. I cannot say whether I will always but I am his wife. He needs me. I do things for myself and spend time thinking every day of something to make me happy, sane, calm....I hope this doesn't sound like a downer but though Scarlett said Tomorrow will be another day, I say Carpe Diem!
grendelsma, those who post here not only open up about Alzheimer's and the things their spouses do, and ask for help with some of the stages and ask for which meds seems to help, but they also talk about their health as you just did - and I remember two discussions on colonoscopies!!! I was in one and everyone kept on to me until I scheduled one! Nothing was wrong, but everyone here was looking out for each other! If someone complained of dizziness, nausea, etc....or knee surgery that was needed, we discussed it as well.....
I'm happy to report that in 4 years, we haven't lost a spouse! Some have had to have serious surgeries, and had to make arrangements for their spouses to be watched (as Joan is now), but we KNOW we have to take care of ourselves. No one wants to consider that their spouse outlives them, but arrangements were made just in case (in my family).
I started a bucket list for AFTER here a long time ago. AFTER has now arrived for me (so many losses in these last four weeks!) and so I will get out my bucket list next month and begin to schedule cruises and tours - one of each a year until I go to be with my husband!
As far as affection, I have a dog, and many close friends who give hugs whenever I need one...and that is enough for now....maybe later, I don't know - I'm not closing any doors...but not looking either..I don't NEED another person to make me happy - if I have friends.....and I have my family here to keep me going!
I had to take care of my first wife for eight years and I am taking care of Kathryn now and do not regret having married either one. I loved them both and I still love Kathryn. However there will not be another wife for me. Lasts night I reached a point where I just wanted to sit down and cease to exist for about an hour. That or cry or something but I couldn’t because it would upset Kathryn. It’s the first time I have felt that way during all of this. I am not willing to take the chance of having to take care of another wife. What I think I would want in a relationship if it would be called a relationship is to just meet a nice lady that plays golf, likes the movies, eating out once in a while and maybe a little state side traveling. Nothing else.
Heck, I'll even take up golf????... getting out, sharing normal relationships are a must if we are to survive.. I enjoy intelligent conversation and the time to sit and enjoy a meal without watching for the glassware to be flung across the table or butter spread on the table cloth... DH can' t help the condition he's in and I am tolerant and caring... None the less,, that small return to normalsy would sustain me.. We are back to when the little one was 2, and we took her out, we never knew what she'd do next.
I like to golf...not avid....and have never been to Florida.....I have a stepsister who used to live in Jacksonville. I need a new golf bag so I'll look cute and maybe I'll even buy new clubs! Ladies...Unite...we are headed to Florida for the 4th of July celebration!!!!
Hey Sheila, new golf clubs?. Now that would be cute. Mimi, I'm good with you driving. All I have to teach you is how to keep score. It's easy just subtract one from the score I call out and write it down. Peggy. You'll like Florida and the golf courses are nice even if you don't play.
hey Moorsb, I was in Texas once and all I can say about Texas is it's a good place to be From. Just kidding I was there for basic training.
Easy to get" T "times now in Fla,but unless ya got an air conditioned cart its better to find a bar near the beach an have a cold one an enjoy the view,mid nineties all week in Naples,course once the "fudgies" comeback in the fall you can forget about it again,oh I do love Fla.