Goodness, I've been fighting off a cold, feeling achy and run down. I used to get headaches all the time. Had a 30+ year history of migraines. I am not a person who requires alot of sleep~ in fact, I don't like to sleep more than six and a half or seven hours at night. Otherwise I feel somewhat groggy, like a cloud over my head all day. I also don't like to nap in the day because I get the same feeling. My greatest problem lately is a lack of comfortable, solid sleep. I have been trying to deal with it quite a while, and being exhausted all the time does NOTHING to help my attitude.
DH keeps me awake alot. Either its pressuring me to "give him some" or when I have flat out said "NO" he will pet all night, irritating the blank out of me. He has a very bony knee that he jabs right into the side of my knee, and I have to keep moving away because it hurts. Or DH rolls into me, gradually pushing me to the side of the bed and I "cling" to the bed. I am also one who needs to have freedom of movement. I get a terrible back ache when DH crowds me and restricts my movement.
So, not long ago I blew my cork and said I want separate rooms, or at very least separate beds. Well, now I am just the evilest person on the face of the earth. I always give in to "I promise not to keep you awake," or "Just give me one more chance." I do that to try to keep the peace, but all I get in return is NO peace, and no good sleep. I hear his pleas and promises almost every single night. I am the one who has to deal with everything around the house, shopping, kids and school, etc. He cannot relate to the fact that I do have to have sleep. I get very cranky, and although it is his fault I am cranky he is then mad at me for just "being" cranky.
In all seriousness, those of you who reached a part in this journey where separate rooms/beds were necessity, how did you make those transitions?
I feel for you! You need to put your foot down and have separated rooms. How you can function at all with all your responsibilities and lack of sleep is beyond me. I had a somewhat similar situation, compounded by loud snoring and sleep apnea on the part of my husband. I moved into the spare room until I found the mattress uncomfortable. He decided to take over and then announced he would stay there as I snore too much! Any chance you can use this excuse? We now both get a decent night's sleep except on the occasion that he gets up in the middle of the night, puts all the lights on and has breakfast or I awake and can't go back to sleep with all the negative stuff rattling around in my head. I hope you can work something out. If you have the extra room go for it! Inge
I cannot address the issue of separate rooms/beds because we are not in that situation. HOWEVER, I can say that you sound like you are experiencing the very common "caregiver burnout". You have to find some way to get some time to yourself away from hubby. Does he go to Day Care? Doesn't sound like it. Can he be left alone? If so, you need to get out one day or night a week with a girlfriend.
By the way, I just thought of this. How about twin beds that are made up separately (each has its own sheets and blanket), but they are pushed together? He won't feel like you are abandoning him, but you'll have your own "space" in which to sleep.
New Realm, Our separate bedroom just evolved over a period of time. One night I went to the guest room, because he had been nasty all day, and then he wanted sex. I found the sleep so good! He snores, gets up to go to the bathroom and stays for a long-long time. Because he had angina problems I could not sleep until he returned, sleep apnea, etc. I finally told him I needed my sleep. We could visit whenever we wanted. I used the guest room with a new bed...that couch that converted was not making it. Then I had surgery, he moved to the guest room while my sister was here and I came home to recover. He liked the small bed and room. He chose to stay there. The master bedroom is now my place. Desk, computer, bed, and the best TV (new HDTV-32 inch). I stay up late and he goes to bed early. I sleep late (8-9 am) since he sleeps late too. He sleeps well 8-10 or later. The best sleep aid is: MP3, Audible, Wall Street Journal. I have had very little insomnia in the last 3 years, since I started it. Well it is bedtime...nighty-night. Barbarakay
As you've already read over the last several months the subject of separate beds, or bedrooms had been hinted at quite often in our house. Paul acted very upset and throws out the usual, "I might as well not be here. We're married, and........blah, blah, blah." In the past 2 months the subject of separate bedrooms has come a whole lot more, and is the subject of many arguments. Well, after feeling severely run down, nearly getting a cold (fought off with Zicam. I swear by it.), I brought it up and this time did NOT back down on it. I try my best not to show that I'm getting upset, fighting, or even getting frustrated and ready to cry. I am using an authoritarian tone, telling Paul this is now becoming a risk to my health, and I demand to have a restful night. I also deserve to sleep in a bed where I can turn, and stretch out at will. Presently he crowds me out of the bed, and also wants to hold me in such a way that I cannot sleep on my stomach. I have always been a belly sleeper, even into my ninth month of my three pregnancies. I have to sleep on the couch so as to not be bothered, but the drawback is I get a crick in my neck leading to achiness or headaches. NOT FAIR!!!!
Todays conversation started out well with Paul agreeing I should have better sleep, in a comfortable bed, and he promises not to bother me. I appreciate his understanding about that, but him promising isn't quite the solution I was looking for. He doesn't recall that he promises all the time, and his begging to give him another chance only results in another sleepless night. He conceded and said he would stay on the couch. He suggested I put a bed in the addition/suite (no bed there currently). I want the bed currently in the loft (ours) to be moved down there. This didn't sit well for long. He next says I can sleep up there and he'll sleep on the couch. In the next minute he says he should go to sleep with me every night, and as soon as I fall asleep he will go sleep on the couch. Uhhhhhh~ I think the problem is that he never LETS me fall asleep. " NO, that will not work." L~O~L! We had an agreement for a few minutes, for whatever that is worth.
This will remain a "one day at a time " issue I'm afraid~ as far as the "discussion" goes. I will get sleep. I have twin beds in storage. I'll try to get both of those up stairs with sons help, and get my nice comfy bed down stairs. I'm trying to change things to where I'm not getting upset, not engaging the fight, and simply telling him this is the new arrangement. Period.
Hello everyone, I've been out of town on business. This particular issue is indeed horrific for us girls, isn't it? I have older girlfriends who made this transition "because it was so much better for my husband's health." The husband might need sleep aids, ask his doctor. The ego & masculinity of the species is precious, and no matter what you tell the patient they will not understand. They understand whatever is in their mind at the moment, and nothing else. Conversation or logic with an impaired person does not work. Make the changes you need to make immediately. Redecorate whatever room you choose into your own haven, as Barbarakay said. The cost: Priceless.
LOL! Dang, it seems so long ago I started this thread.
WELLLLLLLL~ Not much has changed. I get the couch and he gets the lazy boy. I tried keeping him out of the bedroom so I could get actual sleep in an actual bed and all I got was a whiney baby knocking at the door all night.
He isn't asking for sex constantly as he was at that time (Sept. 2007). But, just a couple days ago out of the blue he said, "could we have some love tonight?" I said "WHAAAAAT? You are out of your tree."
My husband started with MCI and his personality changed to that of a very mean snake. It was very hard to lie next to him and try to go to sleep with all the nasty things he had said and done to me on an ongoing basis. New behavior.
I moved out into the guest room in order to be able to settle myself down. Several months later, he asked me to move back into the master bedroom because he felt that I should be close to the bathroom - which is correct. I didn't do it right away - but eventually we went and bought him a double bed and made his office into his bedroom.
He has sleep apnea and uses the CPAP and talks in his sleep and is very active at night, so he really was keeping me from sleeping. I had been seeing the doctor for my sleep problem and my husband said that he felt it was better for my health if I moved back into more comfortable master bedroom and that he move out.
I NEVER thought we would be a couple that ever slept in separate bedrooms, but I am such a light sleeper that I just couldn't sleep with him now. So, it evolved for us over a period of a year. It was a very hard decision for me to make as I felt it wasn't fair to him to deprive him of sleeping with his wife and in our bedroom. Sex isn't the issue - that has been gone years ago, but I felt my pledge to him 42 years ago included sleeping by his side.
But it is working for us - he stays up and reads in bed until 2 and that could not happen if I was in bed with him. Billy Graham and his wife had separate bedrooms in their last years. It was due to their physical conditions, but I always took a little comfort in that.
Do what you need to do for yourself. It isn't wrong. AD is tough enough without adding being sleep deprived. DON'T FEEL GUILTY!!!!!!!!!! Good Luck.
And remember we are not talking to people that have the ability to think in a reasonable way like they used to. I have to make the decisions as we just can't collaborate on issues anymore - he has a problem handling too many ideas at once and can only focus on the ONE thing that is currently on his mind whether it is based in reality or not.