Last month, after several trips away from home, some with me and some without, my dh had a real set back. I thought he had declined into another stage of this disease; he had several bouts of incontinence, was combative, was very spacey, and his short term memory was almost non-existant. Two weeks later, he returned to where he was prior to all the activity away from home in April. The only change, other than staying at home, was removing Namenda from his drug ritual. He has been on Celexa for only two weeks, so I don't think that has actually kicked in yet.
Yesterday, he and I went to a Convalescent Center to visit a friend of his from school who had suffered a bad fall and was rehabilitating. He had that vacant look in his face while we were there and he didn't participate in the conversation much unless she brought up their youthful years.
So, my question for all of you - do you travel with your loved one? If yes, how does it go? Do they regress when away from home - if yes, was it worth it? And, do you feel like you've had a vacation when you vacation with them?
I try to travel as little as possible with DH as I find he gets confused.. As to the vacant look...When my parents celebrated their 61st Anniversary, my folks had a nice photo taken..both were all spiffed up..and the look on my mom's face said " I'm here but no one is home"..vacant stare..I'll never forget how sad that look was...
i traveled the last few yrs with DH while he was still with it enough to get by -the trips left me exhausted and feeling like no vacation. but i kept doing them regardless hoping to have that last quality time with him before the inevitable times we wouldnt be able to. the constant worry over if they get lost and the isolation due to not knowing how they will respond to a stranger just got to be too much. they do decline in my opinion considerably while away from their routines. the last trip we did i put my DH in his ski suits and we rode to the top of the mountain on the gondolas to take in the mountain views. what a disaster. he was afraid on the lift and the cold made him shake and rattle. this from a man who skied years of his life-i couldnt wait to get him back down. sadly the last trip for either of us. its hard work to try to do it all yourself. and i did have help but it was still emotionally tiring and draining. and yes the 'look' of vacant stare is typical of AD. the look becomes very apparent to anyone who is a caregiver soon enough. divvi
About 4-6 years ago, it got so it was such a hassle to travel with DH, that I just stopped it. He would be so confused while we were away, and want to come home as soon as we got to our location. Then after we came home,it would be 2-3 weeks before he got back his "normal". Meanwhile, I had to live with it. No, I never felt like I had been on vacation, so I gave up traveling.
I do have one more trip that is a necessity next week - 500 miles away - to go through my deceased son's belongings. I dread it for more than one reason since I have to take DH with me. That will definitely be the last trip for us.
mothert, my experience is a lot like Vickie’s. The last trip we took was 6 hours away to our son’s house for the Easter weekend. We arrived there around 4PM & by 7PM he was asking when we were going home. He then asked that every day we were there (& we were there from Thursday evening to Monday morning.) He actually did pretty well considering that there were 6 other adults & 6 children all staying in the same house from Friday to Monday. However, even though my children were there & they did help some, the majority of his care was up to me. I don’t think we will go anywhere unless it is an emergency because he is always so confused in the morning. He never knows where we are, even when we are home. It just is more trouble than it’s worth. Certainly not a vacation!
I haven't even tried it and now I know why...I know that even the smallest change in my DH's routine is upsetting and so there is no way that I would try something like that. I can see how it would be hard to take if you were in the habit of going on trips a lot and being very active in the past and then had to slow down or even stop that. It is just one more thing that this disease takes from us!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have tried to carve out a "normal"life for myself since the onset DH'sf dementia and all I hear is how he never gets to go anywhere.... I have somehow put off another trip with him... The last one, we went to Europe for 3 weeks.... He wanted only to sit in our room alone, When I returned, I found him each time masturbating... a bit unnerving as at that time he was capable and mentally, i thought, not that far along...At the airport, he wouldn't move from the waiting area to eat, I had to bring everything to him,, he was afraid the plane would leave him, he was a pain to travel with... At that point I decided that I needed to ignore any further requests for travel.. I am 72, in good health but after one of these trips, I am wrung out and lifeless.. I did discover this weekend the answer... After church and lunch out, I suggested we take a drive to an area we'd not seen before.. 100 mile round trip... My gosh, you would have thought we'd been on a long trip... He loved it, couldn't stop talking about the farm land and cows and old houses... He talked about this "trip" for 3 days.. All so simple, I buckle him in the car and off we go on one of our trips... He's secure, and I don't have to worry about schedules and connections .... The only scheduling I'll do is calculate bathroom stops. He seems happy and I get to rest driving us around... There, hope this helps others,, Each day is different, sharing what works for you guys helps me too.. Thanks and happy traveling....
Yep, just what I thought - it couldn't be just my husband and me.
Last year, after he was diagnosed, I did plan a lovely 14 day trip in Canada coast to coast - like most of you, I wanted to "bank" as many more memories as possible. We left Vancouver, BC and went up into the Canadian Rockies (breathtaking, to say the least) and stayed in Banff, Chateau Lake Louise and Jasper - totally amazing scenery and lovely lovely people. After 7 days in the Rockies we got back on Canada's version of Amtrak and travelled all the way across the continent to Toronto. Toronto was an amazing city and then we went on a side trip to Niagara Falls (AWESOME!!!). We flew home from Boston first class (compliments of airmiles - I never want to fly coach again). Dh was pretty good on that trip, didn't ask once when we were going home. However, he did drink way too much and was a pain in the butt after and he had trouble holding his urine. All in all, that was a great trip and I'm so glad we took it - I know he couldn't do that again and I wouldn't survive it, either. What a difference a year can make.
My dh also likes to take drives - that's a great idea to substitute driving around for bona fide traveling. I've pretty much decided that day trips are going to be the only trips for us from now on.
I have also decided to make a very concerted effort to try and keep my life as normal as possible and not let his condition isolate me. In general, he gets angry when my friends call, doesn't like me to be gone, doesn't like it when the girls are here and they pay too much attention to me, etc. It's very hard to forge ahead and not let your friendships go because he is a pain in the a$$. I do love him, but his dependence is so suffocating and I do not want to make him my entire life, because when he's gone, then I will be alone and with nobody to call a friend. I'm going to try very hard to make this happen.
Mothert, when you think about it, this disease has a major player,,, Guilt... when our spouses are affected by dementia, a given is that they constantly lay a guilt trip on the ones who do the most.DH erases messages from the phone, wants to know everything that happens when I am away, but 2 minutes later, he can't tell you what the answer was. Also, is really rude when I have friends here so I don't do that anymore.. I do, however, feel good when I meet friends for shopping, lunch and meetings.. I feel that is my right to further my survival... and I will survive...So take care of your health. there will be a time when we'll know for a fact that we ARE doing the right thing for ourselves... It, by no means, says that we are neglectful... a few hours, minutes or whatever you can spare is little enough to ask for ones sanity.... And for goodness sake, do not listen to those who have not walked in our shoes...They know NOT... Oh, and the Namenda is not doing a thing... anyone, having this happen???
About the Namenda ... it did do something, it immediately got him all agitated and his memory got even worse. For the small sum of $450/month, we could have all this in a Namenda package - don't think so. The doctor wasn't at all unhappy about us dropping that sucker.
Our last vacation was in 2004. I had planned a cruise in 2006 but had to cancel because by that time, I couldn't even go to the grocery store without him asking a hundred times when we were going home. As he got worse, yes anything that required me being away for any period of time, even just a few hours did cause Lynn to have a set-back. We did the car rides too, he seemed to really enjoy them! And as Peggy said, it was calming to me as well.
Our last vacation was in 2008 and he doesn't remember anything about it. He doesn't remember much about his induction into the John Muir Hall of Fame last Nov...and I see where he is starting to ask what words mean..like what is a snack? Trips to a restaurant work..yesterday he even was able to give directions on how to get there. But he can't figure out how to get to his doctor's office that he has been seeing for years. There is no more remembering when much with him anymore..
This discussion brought up a memory that makes me feel good. I used to take my husband down to the beach with a thermos of tea. He didn't want to get out of the car, but he liked to look at the ocean and the mountains beyond. There are usually 5-6 freighters anchored out in the salt chuck, and of course, there were always dogs trotting by and small boys. It was always so peaceful sitting there even if it was raining outside, the sound of the rain on the car roof itself was lovely to hear. Since I find myself so often thinking of the hard times, and the times when I wished I could do more, or do it better, it' s good to remember that I did that one right. Thanks for the memories.
I had planned a trip in May to visit our daughter in TX, bought the tickets in March. There were big changes in April, no trip ever again with him. He follows me if I go upstairs, or outside to water the flowers. His memory is gone. At lunch he announced in an angry tone, I want to go to the dentist. I had to floss his teeth to convince him he did not need the dentist. We had been to one doctor this am and I told him my limit was one doctor a day. Luckily the doctor did up his anti-anxiety meds. The sad thing is I did not know his last trip was going to be his last trip.