My 66 year old husband started showing symptoms of Alz. In 2000 (at the age of 55) and last year I had to place him in a nursing facility following hospitalization for med adjustment as he was more than I could handle physically. At that time he was walking aggressively...stay out of his way! Now 14 months later I am getting ready to retire and started thinking "maybe I can handle him at home." It's that old friend "guilt" and also "love" showing up. I would so like to have him at home but doubt that it is a smart move on my part. He doesn't walk, talk, or feed himself, is basically in end stage...needs 24/7 total care...is moved from bed to chair with a lift. I go to the NH either once or twice a day (according to whether I worked that day or not) to feed and spend time with him. How do I get rid of these guilty feelings? We were high school sweethearts and have been married 46 years. He is my best friend.
It's always a hard decision to make. But if I were you I would leave him right where he is. It takes all your strength physically and mentally to care for someone who is not capable of fending for themselves. I think he is in good hands and don't put any more pressure on yourself than you have to. You've done the best you could and that's al anyone can do. Look out for yourself.
I agree with lee012,my LO has been in an ALF since last May,no way could I handle her at home,there will always be guilt,but I know she's safe where she's at an no way would I put her thru the stress of a new enviorment at this late stage,I took care of her for almost three years an it was killing me as well as her,really think it thru before you make that decision
crstrob, I think you have to ask yourself this question...Will he be better off in the NH or will he be better off at home? Can you still take care of yourself and take care of his needs? 24/7 will affect your health and leave you no time to enjoy any time with your DH. I am hopefully wishing you can show your friend "Guilt" the door. I don't think the word guilt belongs in any caretaker's vocabulary. My DH is still home and on Hospice and he is not as bad as your husband and it is taking a toll on me physically and emotionally.
Kadee recently went through this. I have brought to the top those discussions for you. Hopefully, she will see this and let you know how things are working out on her end.
It's the quality time not the quantity time that matters. If you are rested and refreshed I think you and your husband will have more quality to your visits.
You mention he cannot walk, talk, feed himself, and needs to be moved by means of a lift. Are you physically strong enough to do this work. Do you have help at home. Can you AFFORD 24/7 home care because that is most likely what you are looking at. My mom was in this position you describe and she was at home as my dad had saved for just such emergency..and we had to have CNAs and aides. It was very expensive! Either way there is expense.We had an agency, but sometimes the assigned aid didn't show up..then what? My mom required 24/7 care. I was there and there was no way on earth I could have done this kind of work alone. The final question would be, what kind of upset might this cause him to change this environment that he is in now? Would it be more confusing and would he become really agitated? How will you manage that? Do you feel you need hospice help now? Were I in your situation, and considering you are about to retire, I would leave him as he is and get the rest I need after working and being responsible for caregiving. You can begin to develop your "after", things you want to do, finish doing the things you have started and never got finished ( as so many of us have) and then visit your husband as you do now, maybe even more and enjoy what you can with him rather than being all worn out, drained and at risk for illness or injury yourself. It is a difficult decision but don't let guilt be your guide.
crstrob, I agree it is a hard decision to make, however, even with opinions, pros & cons it will come down to if you think you can handle him at home. I placed my husband due to his behavior problems, which with medication & his decline are no longer problems. The first few nights I thought I had made a big mistake. He wouldn't sleep, so that meant I didn't sleep. I called the doctor for help, she prescribed Trazadone which was a godsend. He was home about 3 weeks, starting not being able to bear weight on his legs, then abruptly stopped walking. He is now on Hospice, they come 5 days a week to bath him. I also have an aide that comes each evening to help bring him from the recliner to his hospital bed with a lift. She also helps me change him for the evening. We tried the Texas catheter which was wonderful...but, they were the wrong size & had some problems. The correct size has been ordered, hopefully, we will be able to use them again. I am glad I bought him home. I & others have said, "He seems more peaceful" than when he was at the ALF. I thought long & hard, prayed for guidance. It was right for me, however, I know for others it hasn't.
Kadee, It sounds like our husbands are about in the same situation. I responded on your previous discussion that Joan moved up to where I could find it and now have read your recent posting on this discussion. My husband is on Hospice in the NH and they will follow him to the home if I decide to do that. I think I need to talk to them and have them come out to see our house to see if this is feasible. My husband is twice my size and very stiff which makes him difficult to move or change or roll over. I would definitely have to have a lift which is what they use at the NH to move him from the bed to the chair and back again. I think my biggest fear is if he needs to be changed when nobody else is here except me. I appreciate so much everyone's input. One minute I think I can do this. The next I am afraid I can't. I love this man so much and I want to do what is the best for him. Thanks for all your thoughts. It gives me insight.
crstrob, You have described my husband, very stiff, & larger than me, he is 60 years old, still has quite a bit muscle. It is hard to change him without help, he will not roll to his side. Hospice provided the Hoyer Lift which has been wonderful. As I mentioned the Texas Catheter was great, he was never wet, just needed changing at bath time & when he had a BM.
I think that we hate to think that we can't handle whatever happens with our DH's but I have had to learn to be realistic. I was one of the ones that said that I would not be putting my husband in a NH but now that I know that I may not have a choice it is kind of like a relief...do you know what I mean? I guess everyone has to make that choice for themselves but sometimes the decision may end up being made for you.