My husband is being placed into a nursing home tomorrow morning. Of course I knew this was coming and most of the time, I thought it was the right thing to do. It is---I know it is.........but why am I questioning this already?
What in the world do you do when you know it is the last night you husband is going to spend in your house? Guys....don't answer that!
This has been going on for 4 years....but today was the day. I don't know what to do. I'm sure this is normal and when I think of what others on the board are going through right now, I consider myself very lucky.
I've been packing his things, but without seeing his room, what do I pack? We are so fortunate that the NH is so close to our house, but right now I feel like a failure......
Thanks for listening everyone! Just didn't plan this at 54.....or at any age....None of us do.
I'm sure that if it come to that for me, I will be going half insane until I'm used to it, if one ever becomes used to it. The second-guessing must be completely normal.
Ann, I know just how you feel. I was 41 when I had to place Lynn and I too felt the worlds worst failure... but Ann, we are NOT failures! What we are is someone who loves their spouse enough to do what is best for them, no matter how high the cost is to us. It about killed me to place Lynn.... it hurts too much to even reread those post.
I did go to one post because I wanted you to know you were not alone, I wrote this the night before I had to place Lynn, "I know this is a horrible analogy... but you know how when your beloved pet is suffering and you have to take them to be put down? you suffer so badly waiting.. you know you have to do it, you don't want to, but you love them enough that you must. This is how I feel about tomorrow. *sigh" ................................
To this day I vividly recall our last night at home. It was tender and full of love.... I said yet one more goodbye to my beloved Lynn. Make it a loving memory for you Ann...whatever feels natural and brings you comfort.
As for what to pack, they should have sent you a list of required clothing items etc. If not, 5 of most clothing items would be a good place to start. I went in the day before, and the morning of, to decorate him room. I wanted him to walk in there and see familiar things surrounding him. His walls are covered with his favorite pictures and paintings of us. I bought a twin size bed set that was similiar to the one in our room, I thought it looked more like home. Anything that brings a smile to his face, makes him happy or brings him comfort, bring it. Take some looooong deep breaths. You can always bring more things or take some home any day of the week.
I know how very difficult this is and my heart aches for you ((hugs))
Oh Ann.....I am so dreading that day and hope it will be a long time before I get there. I have imagined it tho and the second guessing is in the imagination. How do you know what is right, wrong, wrong, right. There are days when I think it is time and then BAM...he acts as normal (?) as I do. I am 59, Tom is 60. We have only begun our fight....about 6 years since I noticed the memory problems....diagnosed with Parkinson's symptoms and Senile Dementia (in other words they have no flipping clue what he has) about 3 years ago. My opinion is Lewy Body Dementia. But thats only because I live with him and see his symptoms. I can only tell the doctors what I see. Most of the time I email our doc before we come in to see him so I don't have to tell him things that will piss my Tom off.
How old is your husband? This disease (whatever it is) sucks to the max.
Please don't feel bad as there are many here who have had to place their spouses....you have to do it to keep your own sanity and health. Everyone here is very supportive and will help you thru your journey.
I just placed my husband earlier this week. He is 61 and I am 56. We enjoyed a relaxing evening and I made him a "comfort food" dinner. I left him with a week's worth of clothes. It all feels so strange, but I think I made the right decision for now, for his health and mine.
I also had to place my Mom and Dad for dementia. Each placement I asked myself, could I live here in a few years if my health required it? Each time I felt I could, so that helps. But I, too, never dreamed I would be in this situation in my mid 50s.
Your heart and body tell you when the time is now. I took comfort in knowing that my husband would be in the company of others like him and wouldn't have to struggle so hard with daily activities. He would always have something to do or talk (jabber) to. TV would no longer be his only diversion. Don't take anything you ever want to see again. Residents wander and adopt ever thing they see. I found drawstring work out pants worked well. When I saw them on sale at Big lots I would buy up a bunch for the whole unit to share.
this is why we all say we mourn our spouses for so long before the actual death. all of these excruciating decisions we have to make- that has nothing to do with the physical dying but with emotional internal dying-little peices at a time over the years. it leaves us depleted and so void, we witness a simulation to the dying process over and over. how difficult this is for anyone. once he is placed and adjusted you will have the confirmations you need to know it was the right decision for you both. there is a multitude of experience here with placement from many members. they all say its never easy . i think the idea of decorating the room prior to his arrival is a good one. anything that helps the transition to go more smoothly. divvi
Divvi...well said! Observed that the transition is much easier if the room is prepared in advance. Pictures on the wall from home, family blanket or quilt, favorite objects on tab le. Does not hurt to have documentation of what his current schedule is, when he toilets, his likes and dislikes are for the staff. One friend had it taped to back of LO door. Have not had to go through this so can only offer suggestions from other's experiences. Let us know how it goes.
(full disclosure: I haven't had to do this myself) don't feel like this is the last night. You can always have him home on overnight visits. I have NH patients who go on weekend trips several times a year with family and some do overnights at home monthly.
The list of likes, dislikes and routine is a good idea. Charlie could not speak so I wrote a detailed list. Everyone in the facility told me what a good list it was. It remained taped to his closet door for the 18 month duration of his stay. Visits home were not an option for him but it works well for some. That last night at home with him was one of the longest and shortest of my life.
My DH was to be placed in the NH on December 28, 2010 I was prepared as best as one can be. Our three children had all arranged to be off work so they could be with their Dad on that day. Then two days before placement ,I received a call from the NH that Board of Health had said no one could be admitted because of an outbreak of a virus. Therefore, on the 28th I took DH to his Daycare facility and when I arrived home I received a call from the NH that the ban had been lifted. After DH's lunch at the Daycare I picked him up and took him straight to the NH where our chilldren had decorated his room and were waiting for us. I have always been grateful that I did not know that December 27th would be the last niight my DH would spend in our home.
This disease makes us crazy....sometimes we sort of wish they were in assisted living so we could have some kind of sane life and then when the time comes we know we need to face the fact that our LO needs more help and care than we can give and we have to take that action we carry around a boat load of guilt..we can't win no matter what!
Haven't run across anyone with that setup! I guess the closest would be when a person with dementia attends an adult day program 5 to 6 days a week, for a full day each time. I haven't been able to get into that groove--when he was early stage and attending centers who provided transportation, he could only tolerate 3 to 4 hrs/day; now he can tolerate more, but I have to provide the transportation, so he only goes 2 days/week.