While attending a support group meeting last weekend, a woman who was there who is a live-in caregiver for one of the members of my church, approached me during the break. She offered to come sit with my dh 2/week for 4 hours for free. Yes, for free. I don't know this woman, but I have to say my suspicions were aroused. I emailed my pastor and asked about her and he said that she did, indeed, care for one of our members and he was reportedly happy, and that she also works with our children's pastor with the young children and she is also happy with her. Those are both fairly good recommendations, but....I'm just very uneasy about letting a total stranger that I don't know into my house with my dh while I'm not here. This woman is probably late mid to late 50's. She seems nice and caring, but.... still, I'm uneasy. Am I being too paranoid?
I'm afraid I'd be uneasy, too. That's a major commitment she's offering. Is she looking perhaps for future employment with you? On the other hand, I've noticed that I've become paranoid since caring for my husband who had Alzheimer's. So many unexpected and cruel things happened that they knocked me for a loop, and they continue and probably will until his will is probated. Judge Judy says if it's sounds too good to be true, it isn't true. I think that if you waited and didn't take her up on it right now, you would get a clearer picture of what's going on. The more I write, the more fishy it sounds. That's an awful lot of caretaking: live-in caretaker and also working with the young children's pastor with the young children. Lopsided? Better that she should take up something to balance her out, something like a reading club, or walking club, or maybe volunteer at the museum.
Maybe you can take her up on the offer to help, but suggest a different kind of help. She could help you out by grocery shopping for you, or gardening, or jobs like that.
mothert--First, why was she at the support group? Was she there to learn about AD?
Depending on the answer to the above question, I would really think it through before turning her down--offers like that don't come along frequently. Can you talk to her and see what prompted her to make the offer?
Maybe you can do a trial of just 4 hrs once a week? Regardless of whom you bring in, you should lock up all valuables, anything that could be used for identify theft, etc. The first time I have a new person here, I generally don't leave the house. I want to make sure it's a good fit with my husband, so I just stay upstairs and do paperwork and sort of keep an ear open to what's going on downstairs. And of course, there's always the option of a nannycam if you want to go to the trouble.
I agree with mary 75 about paranoia setting in with caregiving. Things I wouldn't have paid much attention to before can now seem like a potential problem.
maybe you could do a trial run with her and stay at home just allow her to take over while you are there. aka. fix meals entertain DH do dishes, laundry, etc. until you are more comfortable.? while yes we do tend to be paranoid about a new person inhome, maybe its a generous offer from a caring soul who would like to offer a hand. as long as you stick around to observe i would try it out at first. if it doesnt work out or you still feel suspicious then nothing lost. freebies dont come along everyday. yes its always a must to lock up valuables for ANY aide or caregiver just to be safe. just maybe it would work out and give you some much needed time .
She is offering to "Sit" with your hb. I would not think it means anymore than that. She will sit and watch TV with your husband and that will free you to do something that needs to be done. I would accept the offer and keep your eyes open and allow trust to build in time, not at the begining. It is a sad world we live in when you can not accept help, because we fear they want to do us harm.
Be very careful...There are things you want to know...IS SHE BONDED? I think I would talk to my elder care lawyer about this little issue.
We had caregivers for my dad and they were " live-in". Two were really good...kept the house spotless, fixed good meals for my dad, and took him to appts..Then when my dad died, my brother asked one to remain at the house as he did not have further employemnt, live there free to sort of be a caretaker and he got paid to do so..sounded good..things always looked good but then this soul started drinking again and when I went down to work on dad's estate with my brother I discovered the VCR was gone..to a pawn shop. Oh there was an excuse and it was returned..then on another trip something else was missing but returned...that was the last of that...This same caregiver, a male, took care of another man before he died and that widow loved this guy like a son and so did we...but when she had him now come to help her with some things at her home she began having problems too..missing liquor, etc..we talked and were both heartsick over this...Our caregiver had an alcohol problem we didn't know about, was on the wagon but then, for whatever reason, fell off. We both let him go.
One caregiver we had that was a live in that traded days with these other two mentioned above was so bad, she drove the others to quit..the two above were on to her... When she fell and broke her hip on a vacation at her sister's house in Fla ( we were in TX) I packed up her room and lo and behold the things she has stolen and planned to keep including personal effects of my dad.
People who are too quick to be generous, especially those you don't know,or "don't have a life" should signal a warning...They are in this for some reason and until you know who you are dealing with don't go there.
You would need a police and criminal check and even those don't tell the whole story. For someone to come to you out of the blue like that would scare me..You are right not to be too trusting..I don't like strangers in my house. We were ripped off big time by caregivers and my distrust is so strong I would have to know the person well before I would let them look after my cats let alone my spouse.
If it is too good to be true it isn't..No good deed goes unpunished and her good deed might punish you..beware..
Another thing that puzzles me is how does she have 4 hours twice a week to offer you? If she's a live-in caretaker, she must be helping her client with meals and personal care. Early on, I had a trial live-in caretaker, and she would start at 7:30 a.m. and go to 7:30 p.m. with a four-hour break in the afternoon, weekends and holidays off. Your woman would have had to do some nimble footwork to include another client for free for 4 hours twice a week, plus volunteer work with the children at church.
Thank you all for your comments and advice; I think I will follow my instincts and pass on this offer. It would be interesting to ask her why she volunteered, perhaps she is wanting to put herself into position for her next job? Years back I started a business shooting video of horse shows and riding clinics (to pay for my own horse habit). I started out shooting the clinics for free to introduce my skills to the other women; this resulted in all of them hiring me from then on - worked out well. So, sometimes, free is a good strategy for future employment.
As I look back on the meeting, I wasn't the only woman there caring for her spouse, I wonder if she made the same offer to them (I think I will ask).
I'm wondering how you secure your house so that anyone coming in will not have opportunities to get into your personal papers, bank accounts, etc? We do have a safe, but that would make getting at our monthly statements, etc. very inconvenient for me, as well as putting them out of reach to outside help. The idea of having time off is great, but the mechanics of making it happen is giving me a headache.
Before you write her off completely I would speak with her current employer. Could be most of her duties there include the evening/night time, not daytime. Could be she offering on her days off to come in. Why not let her come 'sit' with him while you are doing things that you need to uninterrupted or just some 'me time'. there are people out there with a big heart that serving is where they feel God has placed them. Sit down and talk with her more to find out her reasoning and find out why if she is full-time live-in help she would have time to give you.
If you would really like a little respite, then give her a chance. Give it time, see if she offers again. Ask others if she has offered to help them. Maybe God told her to offer the help only to you. If so, you can't hold that against her. Not everyone is out to steal from you. the only ones that have posted here seem to be ones that have had bad experiences. I would like to believe there are good people out there with a big heart. People that do things for the others because they like too, not for money.
(before someone wants to say I must have not encountered bad people, I have been burned by people all my life. But, I also am one to give without anything in return. I work at an Rv park for a certain number of hours to pay for our spot. Art helps out on his own and I have no problem staying, for free, to work if they need more help. I expect nothing in return - it is just me. I took it upon myself to dead-head the flowers in the planter so they keep blooming and looking good - for me cause I enjoy it, also because others like to see nice flowers which pleases them. )
Like Charlotte I am a trusting soul and I can't remember a time that something bad happened. A little conversation with this person should answer any questions that you have.
I am with Bama. However, I am leery of having strangers in my house. I had 3 in-home helpers occasionally and I had known all of them forever, so I was comfortable with them there and I was comfortable with them taking care of my dh. I know, when you do this, you can be wide-open for liability issues. I told them if he fell or something happened - I knew anything could happen at any time and for them to not worry. I kept my cell with me and was never more than 30 minutes away. I would never have held them responsible for a accident involving my Mother or my dh.
I am involved with this web support group as well as another on-line support group plus I recently started a local support group for Alzheimer spouses. I also, never imagined - before - that I would want to do this - after - but here I am. I enjoy helping people in need of support. However, never in my wildest imagination would I want to volunteer to sit with someone for 3 hours twice a week for free. So, perhaps this lady derives pleasure by helping sit with people...I did have 1 friend who would come on a moments notice - if I needed her and would not make a charge - ever. But she appreciated the cash I gave her because she really needed it.
mothert--you asked about securing your house. The safe may be good for jewelry, silver, small valuables like coins, etc. For paperwork, you need a locking file cabinet, desk and/or credenza. I have the equivalent of a 4-drawer file cabinet and that's enough space to store all financial and personal paperwork. I keep the keys with me, wherever I am. This setup literally forces one to be neat and organized and not leave things lying around. I also even locked up the good china and crystal (metal storage cabinets are good for that kind of thing). And of course, you should have a password on your computer.
One other thing occurred to me after reading lmohr's post--if you decide to give this person a try, I would check with your homeowner's insurance agent and see if you need to buy worker's compensation insurance. I am wondering--if she falls and injures herself at your house--even though you are not paying her--could she still be considered an employee and sue? I know that worker's comp coverage is recommended for anyone hiring an aide privately.
DO A CRIMINAL BACKGROUND CHECK AS WELL AS THE OTHER SAFETY SUGGESTIONS MARILYN PUT FORTH...CRIMINAL BACKGROUND CHECKS ARE A MUST...AND YES I AM STRESSING THIS...
Mothert, I think you're right and she is looking for future employment. It's a good way of putting yourself forward. But I don't think you're going to get a commitment beyond a couple of days unless you do hire her.
Not sure marilyin about the Workman's Comp but I imagine if you do that you will also have to do FICA, Income tax and unemployement etc. All the stuff the Agency's provide. I have my lawn done privately and once I asked my Insurance Agent if I would be covered - just generally - and he said I was. Never tested it.
Lois, an attorney and an accountant both told me that the worker's comp coverage has nothing to do with FICA, etc. It is something you should do to protect yourself. In some cases you can buy a rider to your homeowner's policy, if not, the accountant said to call IWIF. Someone who mows lawns might be different, but I was told that if you have a cleaning person, for example, you should always get w/c coverage (unless they're with a cleaning service and bring their own equipment, etc.). This attorney specializes in w/c cases--that's all he does--and he said that these lawsuits are very prevalent with household help.
Charlette, I agree wth you. I would also do things to help people with nothing expected. I love people and love helping them. But like some of the others suggested, be leary, get to know this lady, ask questions, and then decide before saying no right away. I am sure there are things you could do around the house while she was sitting with your dh..... If not, send her my way cause I never seem to catch up....lol......... Be careful in whatever dicision you make.....