I sit in my house constantly thinking. I have tried 5 different support groups. I thought there might be some type of break through for me. There isn't. My husband has been in a nursing facility for 9 months. I'm still with the same thoughts. I know he is being taken care of. I visit him every week. Last Sunday I looked at him, while he just stared and caught his attention. I asked him if he is happy. He said yes, but does he know what he is saying. He doesn't communicate much anymore. I don't even know if he knows who I am anymore. I come home and think. Is this the rest of my life. I'm 60 years old and I don't know where I'm going. I know people are saying, volunteer myself to things I like. I just don't think that is something I want to do. I don't even know why I'm writing this, I guess it's like the support groups I have gone to, maybe there will be some break through for me.
I'm Mary - and my husband is at the end of the road, but has the determination and willpower not to cross over yet. I still have him at home, and have an in-home service take care of him while I continue to work full time. I have no idea whether he will last months, or have an event and go in days. We just take each day as it comes.
I don't have the full picture of you, so I am guessing a lot here. I've been here since right after Joan began her place, and we have all been through all the trials and tribulations of a lot of us, and many have lost their spouses.
You say you are 60. Do you still work full time? If you do, then you have the beginning of you new life in your hands. If you are retired, then you can begin your new life. Instead of looking for support groups, look for new friends. People who have the same thing in common with you - reading, sewing, games, travel, etc. Even if two or three of you go to lunch once a week, and maybe take in a movie, or a museum... WE ARE ALLOWED TO ENJOY OURSELVES. We don't have to wear a hair shirt or feel guilty.
Get your mind off of AD and your situation at least for a while each day. We can't control what AD does to our spouses, but we can control how we react to it. My first years were spent learning more patience and understanding. My later years have been being flexible....taking things as they hit me and rolling with the tide - not fighting it.
We are alive, and we want to stay that way AFTER. We can't stop the deterioration of our spouses mentally or physically. You have placed your husband so he is getting the best care you can provide and you are being a good caregiver to him. Now, spoil yourself. Do something YOU like to do - and don't feel guilty that you can ENJOY something! YOU are NOT responsible for his AD (nor is he) - things happen....we rant, we rave, we cry, we feel sorry for ourselves, we miss the life we had, and more - we miss the life we planned.....but it is what it is...and we must go on.
I MIGHT volunteer in the future, but right now I don't think so - I'm doing facilitating for the Alzheimer's group since I still can talk about our story and help others, but I don't intend to do it AFTER. I work so that I can afford the in-home care and the insurance and pay the bills. I am fortunate that I love my job. I have a lot of friends, who have learned to "read" me - that means I can cry on their shoulder, or they can take me out for a glass of wine and laugh about something funny that happened in their lives.
This is temporary. It is. And I believe we will be better people for our experiences. But that doesn't make it any easier to bear. This is the hardest thing most of us have experienced.
And remember, the first things you try to do may not be what you want. That is okay too. Try something else. Do it with the desire to be happy...you alone have the ability to make yourself happy. No one can do that for you.
I intend to come out of this a whole person - a better one that I was when this started. I've done my very best, and I'm proud of what I have done. And I want to live and be happy and begin anew...and keep the family I have here at Joan's....they are a big part of my heart.
I am sorry that you feel so bad right now! It is understandable that you would feel dispondant at not being able to find a support group that can help you but I think( a little biased) this is the support group for you. My DH isn't in a NH yet but he was just evaulated by hospice last week. He didn't qualify as yet but his dr. approved of them coming so he is thinking that it will be soon. I am 54 so I am thinking about the future and where I am going and I (right now) hope that means another relationship that I can grow together with someone else.
Mary, you've adequately expressed what we all feel... Thank you for that and for reinforcing our need to think of ourselves, our survival and our future..We didn't ask for this, but it IS within our own doing that we look with optimism at each day and believe that there are better days for us.. I hope Joan's place helps everyone as much as it's helped me...
Paula M--I am 62, and my husband is still at home. But, I have concerns about how I will adapt to life once he is placed or when he passes. I am retired; most of my friends still work; those who are retired (couples) travel much of the time. I have been told that I will have to find new friends that are also widowed in order to have much company. Not a cheery thought if I'm still in my 60's. My husband and I didn't have children, so I won't have that outlet. We had a very close marriage and rarely were apart, i.e. not many separate vacations, etc. I think that at our age, being alone has quite a number of drawbacks--too old to go back into the workplace, but too young for a retirement community!
Thank you all so much. Joan, I will look at those blogs. Thank you. Marilynin, you said something that is exactly what I feel. My friends are all married, which makes me feel different. I can't even think of vacations, because I don't want to go alone. But the the comment you made about who do we find in a relationship is exactly how I feel. Where do you go at my age of 60. I have been told I look like I'm in my early 50's but who at that age, wants a 60 year old. Then I feel horrible that I even think of another relationship. My husband and I also did everything together for 35 years. He married a very naive girl. This comment is for Mary. My husband and I started our own little business in 1980. Office supplies and printing. I do it all now. It's doing ok, but not great. I do the best I can. You said do I have a beginning of a new life at hand. The problem is exactly that. I don't know how to find a new life. I'm too old to go back into the single way of life. I didn't like it when I was younger. You said I should get AD out of my mind. How do you do that. I wake up every morning at 6:00 with that word in my mind. It's my own personal alarm clock. I have a 33 year old daughter that is wonderful. I have to show her strength because she is feeling the loss of her father and I don't want her to feel the loss of her mother. So I guess I continue the best I can. Thank you all so much. This blog was a good one for me.
Paula, 60 is the new 40. At 83 I am thinking you are still in the game. I have a few places I want to go. I want to sit on a balcony at the beach and watch the sun go down one more time. Heck, I may even move to the beach. This journey is not easy and we do as much as we can for our spouses. We do not need to feel guilty. We all do the best we can and that's good enough. (((HUGS)))
Paula, if it is any consolation, I too went through this after I placed my husband. I turned 44 last week, and I feel the same as you. I don't think age really plays a huge part in it? I have no want, need nor ambition to even start thinking about "after"
I still have no idea where my life is going....but the big difference now is I don't worry about it. There is a lot to be said for "one day at a time". Lynn is still a huge part of my life. I visit with him daily, and I enjoy the time we are blessed with. I just can't waste any more of present, worry about my future. I don't think it is healthy for any of us.
Be kind to yourself Paula, YOU are also transitioning. Mine was not pleasant, but I did work my way through it. I am positive you will too! Baby steps are key. I have no grand plan, no vacation booked etc etc... But I do find more and more I am making plans for before or after my visits with Lynn. Nothing big, breakfast with my sister, a visit with Mom, shopping, maybe a movie..... and bam!! Before I knew what was happening I was living again..... ((big hugs of understanding))
Ya Bama but will ya go to an LSU game with me?Lol Seriously Paula I'm 74 an my wife is in an ALF,she has been about a year ,for a long time I felt very guilty becuase I couldn't take care of her anymore at home an she was "runner" after all most a year I happened to be introduced to an old high school class mate who happens to be 75,I felt guilty about the friendship we have established an even asked on this site how others felt about it.After lots of agonizing I came to the conclusion that my wife is safe where she's at,I've done all I could for the last few years until I couldn't care for her at home anymore an it was also effecting my own health,so my friendship with classmate will continue,I still drive an hour one way to visit her twice a week an that will never stop but life go's on an I intend to live the few years I have left,so don't give up on life hell if old foggies like my friend an I can renew a friendship thats lots of hope for you youngsters
Paula--we are pretty much on the same wavelength. My marriage has been 34 yrs this summer and the thought of dating again turns my stomach. I know I would compare anyone I meet with my hb and they would fall waaaaaaay short. Then there is the age issue. I look younger than I am too, but in reality, most men want someone significantly (20 yrs?) younger than themselves. (I know there are some exceptions, but I said "most".) So then you are getting into an age bracket where dementia becomes a real issue for many people--and--need I say--I certainly don't want to go there again!!!!
I guess the difference in your feelings and mine is that I don't feel horrible thinking about another relationship, but am trying to be realistic about the downside. Also, I am putting my husband into respite care at an ALF and going on the first vacation without him this summer, with his sister. You are fortunate that you have a wonderful daughter and perhaps you should plan a trip with her?
THANKS OL' DON FOR CALLING US YOUNGSTERS I am sure you keep your classmate laughing!!
I feel exactly the same way. I feel so lost and have not control over my life anymore. I'm sorry I can't offer you some wise suggestions because I can't even do it for myself. All I can say is hang in there and God will guide us. I will pray for both of us. Be strong.
When I saw your age, I couldn't believe it. I'm so sorry. Here I'm talking about me at 60 and your only a baby. How old is Lynn? I think the answer is what you said. Stop looking into the future, just go one day at a time. The only problem is the emptiness . Ol don, the same thing happened to my girlfriend. she was divorced for 3 years and went to her class reunion and met her old classmate there and in July they will be getting married. I wish I had a reunion to go to. Marilynin,I never thought about finding someone else and they also could have dementia. I guess I keep thinking I'm in my 20's. I don't want to go through this again either. Thanks Lee for your comment. I appreciate it very much. I guess I have to hang in there, my husband still needs me.
Paula M, I can't remember who it was but she said that she had read in a magazine somewhere that the way a woman can decide the age group of the man she wants to date is to cut your age in half and add 7 years to that!!!! Mine would be 34(I dont think so!!!!!) I think I might consider adding 10 to that making it 44 but that would be my bottom line :-) I think the point is that we all find a balance. Anywhere from not wanting a relationship at all to wanting a relationship now. We are all different. I have always been told "never to say never." Either way, we have to live with what we decide.
That is a good idea about cutting my age in half. I can do that, but I don't know if they would like it. Thanks for your opinion, I am willing to hear anything now.
Nikki and Lynn's love story is well documented on these boards- there is a 35 year age difference, and they have been together for about 23 years. They were the ultimate in togetherness when he was well, and she is keeping that up by being by his side, fighting for him right to the end.
Paula, yes Lynn is now 79 and we have been together for over 25 years. I have been with him since I was 18, he is my everything. As Joan said, we were all the other needed. It was just he and I against the world. Losing him this way has been devastating, soul crushing. I think for me, one of the reason it was so hard to place him in a nursing home was because I knew it was the beginning of the end. I remember lying on his bed with him and begging God to please just take us both right then. I have never hurt so badly, or felt so alone, in all my life. It was like my heart was ripped right from my chest.
I am blessed that my twin sister and her two children live with me. But even with a house full of laughter, I felt alone. I felt a stranger, an outsider in my own home. I went through a pretty dark time, never leaving the house except to visit Lynn. And when I was home, hardly ever leaving my room. Like I said, I didn't handle "my" transition well at all.... It took me almost 2 years. Lynn is doing well, he is content and even happy. And as always, if he ok, then I am ok.
Like I said, it was hard but I did work my way through it. Then one day it just hit me like a 2x4 that Lynn would kick me square in the ass if he knew I was "wasting" my life in grief. I KNOW how very much he loves me, and I know because he loves me he would want me to try to find some happiness in this hell. I guess you could say in honor of him, of our love, I decided it was time to try to find joy ...... Lynn knows a peace I never will in this world.... It is now time for me to try to find myself again. He is doing amazing well all things considered. I have done the very best I can, I continue to care for and advocate for him. I still visit almost every day, but not because I feel I have to... but because I want to. The time we share together makes me happy. His smile still has the power to light my world ☼
I guess Paula this is my way of sharing with you what worked for me. We are all different, and we need time to grieve, but we must not allow ourselves to be consumed in that grief. I had to take a break from seeing Lynn every day for awhile, that is what was best for me. I think you need to try to figure out what would make "your transition" better for you. And perhaps, you need to remind yourself that your dear husband loves you and WANTS you to be happy. I still have that 2x4 if you need it <wink> ((big hugs of understanding))
It is interesting that of the 5 workamper couples here - we are the only couple where the hb is older. The others vary with the wife being a few months to 7 years older than their husband. First time I have knowingly been around so many couples like that.
marilyninMD & PaulaM, Don't you believe for a second that all the guys out there want a woman 20 years younger than they are. Before I met Kathryn it seemed like all my freinds were trying to fix me up. One freind named Ron told me one day he had a great gal for me. She was blond, great figure, good peronelity, looking for a nice guy to date. I asked him how old she was and he said she was 27. I was 46. I asked Ron what would we talk about , cartoons? There was three types of women I would not date. one was I wouldn't date anybody that worked where I worked, was not within 5 years of my age or a smoker.
I wanted to find a woman close to my age, Non smoker, little or non drinker, that liked movies and some traveling. My Kathryn met the bill and I haven't had one moments regret. I wanted a woman to grow old with and finish out our lives together. She was perfect. I know we will not be finishing out our lives together now. I am not sure I have accepted that yet. Not sure I can acceept it until this is over and it is breaking my heart.
Boy have I gotten off track. My point is just let yourself enjoy life when you are ready and it will work out.