I looked at the threads to decide where to post this and decided that it was good enough for a thread of its own. In Annie's Mailbox in todays paper there was a letter written by an 81 year old man who had recently lost his wife. The letter was to a friend who had recently lost her husband. It was extremely well written and expressed dealing with the loss of a spouse better than anything I have read since Charlie died. It talked a lot about positive memories. It made me cry but it also made me feel better. Did anyone else see it?
What could have been is gone. What was is still in your memories. You'll always think there must have been more you could have done, more times you could have said, "I love you." Times you think, "Why didn't I hold him more? Why didn't I do this or that?" You did all those things.
You just need to remember them.
Remember the times when you held hands as you walked, when you held one another and kissed, when you shared a sunset or a walk through a garden. Remember that great vacation you had together. Remember when you made love and shared that special time. Remember how your love never dimmed but got stronger over the years.
Remember when you first met and fell in love. Then go through your life remembering the special moments, one after another. When you had children. When you laughed or cried. That trip to get away. Visiting friends. A party. Going to church. When you redecorated the house. Little things only you and he shared.
Push out of your mind the memories that make you sad, and replace them immediately with good memories. Something that makes you smile.
In the weeks after his passing, the relatives go on with their lives, your friends don't call as often and you're left alone. This is the time to be more involved with your favorite organizations, your church, your friends. In other words, keep busy. Be with other people. Push yourself to do things, no matter how small. Don't feel sorry for yourself — you have much to offer to others and your fellowship will give back twice as much to you.
There is nothing wrong with crying. It's part of the loss. It's part of the grief. Accept the aching need to have him back, the need to hold him and tell him you love him. But always remember to say, "What a good life we had."
He knew you loved him and cared about him. Just as you know he loved you and cared about you. Remember, he is watching over you. He doesn't want you to suffer. He wants you to be happy for all the time you had together. God bless you.
Thanks, Bluedaze. This is a beautiful thing to remember even when they're still physically with us but not mentally. Only thing is we don't have time now to get involved in the other things mentioned. We're too busy taking care of them.
I, too have been looking at the threads trying to write a posting. A Time To Grieve is the appropriate spot. On May 2nd, my husband of 42 years passed away. He was increasingly getting agitated and violent. We were working on medication regulation but it wasn't working effectively enough, or soon enough to find placement. In the weeks before he died, application to skilled nursing facility and an ALF/dementia care were denied as not appropriate. Home care agency was waiting to send another person to our home when the meds moderated his behaviors. It just wasn't to be for my husband. He had a violent episode and went to th ER. He did have a UTI and retention, was hospitalized for 3 days, then went to sub acute/rehab and then to an in-patient hospice. He never recovered from the crisis and trauma of hospitilization. He chose not to eat---his last words were,"no food, I want to die." I have been in a fog since the funeral, but have had the support of my sisters staying with me on and off. Yes, it is my time to grieve and I have been trying to focus on the good memories and spend some time with the grandchildren "keeping busy" as suggested in the article.
So sorry jerseymama for your loss. What a horrible ending for him. Another example that there is no set course for this horrible disease. I have happy to hear you have your sisters there. Thank you for sharing with us.
jerseymama (Sue), I am so very very sorry for your unexpected loss. I know these days are difficult but you are fortunate to have such loving, caring support from your sisters and family. Your husband has ended his long journey and is now finally at peace. You were a wonderful wife and took great care of your husband. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Please accept my sincere condolences. I know you will miss your LO very much. You fought the valiant fight as best you knew how. Now another chapter of your life will begin.
jerseymama, You have earned your much deserved * for taking such gentle care of your loved one under very trying circumstances. It could not have been easy to face one closing door after another. And the hardest thing to hear him say in his desperation is " no food, I want to die." That hurts my heart to the core. Please accept my sincerest sympathy at this most difficult time. It is a blessing to have sisters near for support. Come stay with us awhile too, we are your brothers and sisters here...
Dear Jerseymama, I'm so sorry that the whole course of your husband's disease has been shockingly difficult. Now begins a time of healing for you. Prayer and love sent your way.
My goodness, jerseymama, I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that the rest of your path in life will give you more comfort and that the joy will return. This path that we've all been forced to endure, as difficult as it is for each of us, doesn't prepare us for the day that we are truly without our lo and their need of us forever. I'm sure it's truly shocking to discover that in the sea of "their" neediness how much we really needed them. My prayers are with you.
What a beautifully, well written letter. It does say it all. And to jerseymama, heartfelt condolences. Yours was a hard fought battle, and you DH is finally at peace. Take good care of yourself, rely on your family, and be kind to yourself.
Thank you all for your kind words. They do comfort me. Your support is much appreciated. I know that my husband rests in peace and I am clinging to the memories, the good ones when he was healthy. So now I am embarking on a new journey and I am so glad to have your collective guidance and strength to help carry me through.