We all know/knew that our dear spouses would pass. However, losing our LO a little more each day does NOT prepare one for the final passing. It has only been 10 days and it feels like a long time. So much to do if I only felt motivated. I still find myself thinking the what ifs? What if I had not put him on hospice? What if I had not placed him? Etcetc Then I remind myself that he is gone forever and nothing will bring him back. I am thankful that he had minimal suffering, but I wish we could go back in time for even a couple of months. When I visited him at the ALF, he always gave me a big smile and hug. It didn't take much to find a few minutes of joy together as recently as two months ago. Then as they say, he fell off the cliff. Even at the Memorial service, my Stepson referred to us as soul mates. Bud was the love of my life. It feels like at age 66 the best part of my life is over. When he passed, I snipped some of his hair to have as a keepsake. Has anyone placed hair from a loved one in a locket? Everyone says that time will heal, but what so I do in the meantime?
formersoulmate, been there - done that - except for the "placing". There is definetly a "large hollow spot" in your life now and that is to be expected. Time does heal - as most of us here with the * will tell you. I know, you don't believe it now - but trust me - it will. Things will gradually get better and you will remember fondly the memories you have stored - about your DH and yourself. However, you will still be lonely because you will be alone.
I think you made a wise decision by "placing him in a wonderful place" where he was happy and content and you were more "free" to give him your unconditional love. I think, at this point, having Hospice on board is one of the greatest things we can do. Don't "beat yourself up" over it.
Go someplace every day - even if only through a drive-through for a drink, I think it is important to get out of the house. I did a trip to town most every day and while home I fixed up my bedroom as my "nest". I had my TV, Laptop and magazines. Somehow, it doesn't seem so "lonely" in a smaller cozier room. Take care.....
Check the "sticky" thread up at the top of this page - For AD Widows and Widowers - I made a place specially for those whose spouses have died. They have all been through and are going through what you are experiencing now, and help each other.
Soulmate trust me-somehow you will get beyond the pain. Good memories which are yours forever will help you. One day you will realize that things are feeling better-but then you see something that brings memories flooding back and you are devastated again. No more shared little victories like completing a word puzzle. No one to pick up something dropped. With time those hurts blunt-still there but not killing you.
Soulmate -It is 5 months today since my husband's funeral. I too placed my husband and even though it was hard to do, I have never regretted it. He got wonderful care and I saw him every day. Little by little the pain of his loss is being replaced by good memories of our wonderful life together. You will get through this.
I have my mother's and father's hair..not in a locket but in a treasure box. One other thing I have done since their deaths , since I don't live where they are laid to rest, is on each birthday, holiday ( Christmas, Easter) Anniversayr, mother's and father;s day is put a card in a large decorated box. And I write in it what is going on in my life..like the birth of their first great grandson...it is kind of a diary of sorts and my way of "paying respects" since I can't go to visit them at the cemetery. It helps.
I don't know. I'm in the same place right now, dick passed away on Monday, and I know, next week, when all this preparation for wake and funeral is over.... i will feel his loss. How will i deal?
chris r* You will deal just as you did when your DH was diagnosed and take one day at a time in this new time of your life. SO many here have been there and have made it through although not easily. <<<hugs>>>
I haven’t yet said that final goodbye, but I do already feel like the best part of my life is over.... but that isn't necessarily a bad thing to admit to oneself. I lost people I love greatly, how can one ever be the "same" after that? I lost my Dad to suicide 3 years ago, his death was almost my undoing. This weekend is the first time I was able to go to his grave and not end up on the ground. Those losses combined with the loss of Lynn has changed who I was and the life I lived. No holiday, event, or even just an ordinary day, will ever bring me the joy it once did. THEY were what made my life so wonderful. But, where I do feel the "best part" of my life is over, I do not feel my life is. It is just a different life now, not what it was, but still a blessing.
All of you who have loss your spouse... I just can not imagine what you are going through.......Though I have lost bits of "my Lynn" year after painful year, even though he is in stage 7, I can not even begin to conceive of a life without Lynn. "Our" life ended long long ago, but I have adjusted to this "new life" and I dearly love "this Lynn". I am not ready, I know I never will be. I do not think one can ever prepare for that final goodbye.......
But I was not ready for Alzheimer's either, none of us were... but here we are surviving. One day at a time...Take your time, it is ok grieve..... little by little, we are able to see and feel the joy again. I believe our lost loved one would want us to be happy! Maybe that can give you a little strength to let the guilt go... and maybe that will allow the wonderful memories you shared comfort your heart. Wishing you peace ♥
I can't give advice because I've not reached that final loss yet, but I can offer my sympathy and a ((((hug)))) for all who have been though this. Hugs and my prayers for peace for each of you.
I had to place my husband in a nursing home on March 29, after a long struggle of being his caregiver. He had a sudden decline and I was no longer able to care for him. It was so hard. The irony is that I resigned my job at the nursing home, after 21 years, to take care of him, and four weeks after retirement, he was placed in that nursing home. So I find myself back there, but now as a resident family member. The good side is that most everyone knows me and they also know Rocky because he worked there as a volunteer for four years ... before he got Alzheimer's. He even started their Mens Club. And now he's a resident. But he's in total acceptance ... doesn't seem to know where he is and is content. He doesn't complain, is not hostile, and is pleasant to everyone. The hard part is he doesn't know that I'm his wife ... whom he used to call the love of his life. We had something so special and now it's gone.
I am devastated by this loss. I remember being so tired and complaining to myself that it was so hard taking care of him. He was incontinent, etc. And I remember crying out in frustration, "I can't do this anymore." But now he's gone and the house is so empty. I miss him so much and I cry all the time I'm at home. I can't wait to get there to see him and feed him and push his wheelchair out onto the courtyard. But he gives no acknowledgement that he even knows who I am. And it hurts so bad.
As so many of you have said, we were soulmates, and now I'm half a person. I'm happy he's in a good place, and getting extraordinary care, but I miss what we had together and it's tough to know I'll never have it again. They say time heals all wounds, but right now I don't believe it. I'm hurting so bad.
This experience pushes us far outside our normal boundries always testing us with a combination of more loss and more hardship which we endure. While we battle for our spouses, we lose ourselves - which is within the nature of this endurance marathon.
When we have seen through all the battles we are left without our spouse, without any continuity of being ourselves, and without much connection to any previous 'normal'.
If life were rational we would be full of strength even as we grieve. That's true because the facts are that we have endured a great deal and have proven this out by living the strengths that are inside us.
The loss and feelings are just as real and powerful as the truth that we are capable of a great deal. Much more than those that lose a spouse relatively rapidly and without the requirement of surviving a marathon of hardships, we come to this sudden quiet usually with almost all continuity gone.
There is no greater test for this in my personal opinion than the ability to find something funny. There is no rudeness or triviality in bringing this up here. The keynotes in life are to laugh, to smile, to find an interest, to give or share, and to love. Everything else is the furniture of life.
We have gotten off the train in a new place. We have been true to the spirit of life which our star clearly signifies and we have PROVEN by any sane rationale that we are worthy human beings.
If there were real justice in life, we could now turn that proven strength, fortitude, willingness onto ourselves and help ourselves to try to find a smile. If anyone has earned that in life - it is us.