We visited this morning. I do think that Jeff might actually enjoy interacting with some of the higher-functioning guys, and it's a nice place. Problem is similar to the problem we had with the live support group a couple years back though. Jeff kind of immediately recognizes that's he's in what feels like a marginalizing environment to him, and it kicks off the whole thinking process that goes: "no...I don't need this. If I ever need "help" I'll just go somewhere. I'll move to Seattle. I'll get a job."
Of course he is having more trouble articulating this "plan" than he was a couple years ago, but that's still where his thinking goes. If somehow the daycare setting could exist in such a way so that he'd not pick up on the fact that it's a form of "care," then it could work.
And of course he seemed SO much more competent as we were speaking to the program director than what she'd expect. First of all, because most people are not used to PCA. Second of all, because he was stimulated to be at the top of his game. Third of all, because we were just sitting there, so she had no way of knowing that he can't put his own underwear on right, pour coffee, find his way out of a corner, or grasp the simplest nuances of a board game.
Afterward though, we made a snippet of progress in thinking this through together. I reminded him of his mother's waning years, and wondered what he'd do if forced to care for her 24/7 because she'd accept no help. Because he is PCA and less rationally impaired than classic AD, he was able to make the connection, and agreed that if it would help ME to have a helper at the house, he will accept it. So, I feel ok about things for the moment.
emily--your post made me wonder, what percentage of daycare attendees actually are willing to go without the fiblet being told of a volunteer job, that it's a senior center, etc. There IS something about it that reminds people of attending school, and many people with dementia can see that as demeaning or something they don't need. I was told by staff that many participants call it "school" and my husband used to refer to the "kids" (who were all older than him)!
Glad you visited it if that helped you arrive at a solution that you both can live with. Funny, I thought my husband would object more to bringing help in, so I started daycare several years before ever hiring anyone. Regardless of which one chooses, clearly it has to be something our LO's are comfortable with for it to work.
I'm one of the lucky ones who's husband accepted going to daycare without any fiblets. He has been attending for a little over a year now. His cognitive ability has progressed downward quite a bit, but he can still handle all of his ADLs. He doesn't really do alot of the activities at day care, but is quite happy to clear the table after lunch and stack papers for them. He also will pat people on the back or just sit next to those he feels are upset. This amazes me because he has absolutely no empathy for me or any family member.
On the other hand, I think he would have a problem with someone coming to our house while I go out.
My Paul goes to ADC a couple of days a week,and he does not seem to mind.He does not do alot of things there,but he is good with the other people that attend.It sure helps me when he goes.I can go to the store or appts. and do not have to worry about him.
deb--it sounds like your husband has carved out a role for himself at daycare that makes attending acceptable, without you needing to fib. That's the best of both worlds! I had to make up elaborate stories at the beginning, but now (5 yrs later) my hb has progressed to the point where he just goes along when I take him there. On a humorous note--in the beginning, he used to come home and tell me "those people don't know how to run a business". Guess what--he was right--the economic downturn came and they went belly up!
When I checked out our local DayCare both our son and I knew this was not the place for DH. Most of the people there were either stroke victims or mentally challenged. I believe he would have declined even further in that environment. He is very happy with the aid we have coming to our home. I get out to appointments, lunch or just go sit and read somewhere without having to keep an eye on him. He has accepted that much easier than anyone thought.
emily, welcome to my world! I don’t know if you remember me posting about our experience a few months ago, but my DH sat through the registration visit & he joked with the staff. However the day I took him for his first session the minute we walked out of our house I knew it wasn’t going to work. I told him that we were going to the “senior center” we visited last week. When we got there he said that he didn’t want to go. We went in & I could tell he wasn’t happy. The staff told me to leave while they distracted him. I stayed in the area & sure enough 20 minutes later I got a call on my cell phone to come & get him. When I got there he was so angry with me. He didn’t want to be with all those “sick” people. He perceived it as a nursing home & no matter what I said he couldn’t get that out of his mind. Marilyn’s idea of telling him that he is a helper wouldn’t work with him. He just wasn’t open to going. You are so fortunate that the two of you could talk it through & he was able to understand that having someone come in would help you. My DH would not be able to process that.