My dh (I'm not thinking he's so dear at this moment) has become pretty combatant in the past month or so. He starts out just fine in the morning and early day, but as the evening progresses and he gets into the wine and drinks too much, he becomes angry and argumentative. This is almost a nightly occurrence these days. Usually, if I walk away or do not respond, his anger just kind of fizzles. But, tonight, he absolutely didn't want to let it go and I got in the car and took off, leaving him panting in rage in the garage - that was almost scary. I'm very glad that I've removed all of the guns from the house as I'm sure there would have been a bad situation tonight. When I came back with the car (I was only gone 5 minutes), he still wanted to fight, but he didn't, but, he's still slamming all the doors and not wanting to talk. Sick of him, I can't tell you how sick of him I am. I have to continually pray to God to help me treat him as a person with a deadly disease. I know that he can't control who he has become and is becoming, but it doesn't make it any easier to live with him. He just now brought in a suitcase from the garage and is looking for the checkbook which I have in my purse. Not sure what to do now.
On top of it all, he is losing control of his toileting capabilities. Not sure what to do.
eeeeeek! Alcohol and Alzheimer's is not a good combination! Lynn never had a drink in his life, so in that I was lucky. But I did have to deal with volatile rages. He was both verbally and physically abusive. At the time I thought it was something I "had" to put up with because his VA doctor told me it was part of the disease and to deal with it. pfffffft
Physical abuse we do NOT have to deal with it, nor should we tolerate it. If you are afraid for yourself you need to get assistance. Either the police or a family member who can cool him down. If it is "just" anger and aggression, often times I locked myself in the bathroom with my cell phone. He usually calmed down if I ignored him. It depends on what stage he is in, but sometime distractions and a calm soothing voice on my part also helped.
I would suggest you not allow so much alcohol. I know it is hard to keep taking away things our loved ones enjoy, but their minds are already altered with the Alzheimer's, they really do not need alcohol on top of it. Maybe you can try limiting the amount he has? Perhaps only keep a certain amount that he can get to each night and hide the rest? I would also strongly suggest you get him to his doctor. Along with too much drinking, he may also have sundowning. It really did a number on Lynn. Medication can help....
My thoughts are with you... it is such a hard battle!!! Check in and let us know how you are doing.. I will be keeping you in my thoughts tonight ((hugs))
I second Nikki. Above all you must be safe. You have to make the changes needed. Get medical help for the agitation, aggression.
As Nikki said, the alcohol isn't helping either. One way or another, reduce what he gets or elimnate it completely. Several ways come to mind. Limit supply, water it down, or get it out of the house.
This post is alarming. I have not had nor do I expect the tempers..our doctor has said that it is not his personality. However he does like his Toddy in the afternoon and the thing I am noticing is that 4 o'Clock sometimes is actually 2 pm..so I am on the watch for this and remind him of the time and so far so good. Does you LO start his cocktails earlier than what would be normal? With his temper I don't know that suggesting he wait a bit and join him with something else..like a fruit drink or something would work but it might be worth a try. I use that tactic.
As to the violent nature, if he frightens you to the degree it sounded like, I would call the police..as that might be the way to get him into hospital. Could it be his meds may need adjusting? What about some other problem, maybe an infection..does he know what pain is if you ask if he hurts anywhere? Something physical could be wrong and he just expresses it badly. It would maybe be good to have some sort of record..keep notes on things..for police or the doctors. He may need placement at least for sometime to get sorted out. Hang in there...and yes keep your phone on you at all times.
Mothert, that is scary indeed. It sounds like he may be too aware yet for you to get the alcohol out of the house, but perhaps watering down is an option? Please keep in touch, I'm worried about you.
Well, ladies, your responses do worry me a bit. Btw, I'm not sure what Sundowning is, I guess I can ask Google.
I have talked with him about his drinking before and some days he is accepting of what I tell him and tones it down and others he couldn't care less what I say and gets all belligerent. He does get into the wine earlier and earlier and when I get on him about it he is not very responsive. I guess I'll just have to not keep it in the house. He cannot get to the store to buy it - he doesn't have a car nor does he have any money. He's really very reasonable from morning to early evening and I really do think the drinking is a BIG problem, I just don't know how to eliminate it without a huge battle. Tonight he told me that he wanted to leave and move somewhere else (I only wish that he could). I did my very best AD list imitation and said I was sorry for everything and he calmed down. Phew, this is getting harder and harder and yet, I think he's not even close to placement stage - just being ornery to the wife stage. His daughter did tell me that he behaved this way when she was here with him about a month ago. She left and went on a long walk and when she got back he had forgotten all about it. I was really hoping not to have to face this. Do spouses ever divorce their AD spouses? It would be a terrible thing to do and I'm sure I would feel way too guilty, but I'm just not sure if I can live with him like this. What kind of drugs will help with this behavior and what should I tell his doc? This sucks!
Mothert...... on sundowning....."The term "sundowning" refers to a state of confusion at the end of the day and into the night. Sundowning isn't a disease, but a symptom that often occurs in people with dementia, such as Alzheimer's disease. The cause isn't known.
you can read more here....http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/sundowning/HQ01463
and here are some topics from this site http://thealzheimerspouse.com/vanillaforum/comments.php?DiscussionID=353&page=1
Mimi, I find it very strange that your doctor said that it is not in your husbands personality. Alzheimer's CHANGES their personality! Lynn was always a gentle, kind and loving man before Alzheimer's. The disease is what caused the changes. I hope you do not have to deal with it!! But it really has nothing to do with how they were prior to AD. I was stunned when Lynn changes from gentle lamb to raging lion.....
Mothert, seroquel was the medicine that worked best for Lynn. It allowed me to keep him home 2 years longer. Each person reacts differently so it is important to work with his doctor to find the right medicine cocktail for your husband. Best of luck!!
mothert--there are many medications (usually antipsychotics) that can be used successfully with dementia patients to curb aggression. As Nikki mentioned, Seroquel is one of them. In addition, some patients are put on antidepressants concurrently. If you start limiting the alcohol or watering it down and the behavior pattern continues, then it does sound like sundowning. (Which is very common among dementia patients.) You need to contact his doctor asap and get pharmaceutical help in controlling the behaviors.
Mimi, I agree with Nikki's point about what the doctor said. My experience has been that the disease definitely changed my husband's personality and made him difficult to handle; however, when medicated properly, he has gone back to his original sweet and loving temperament.
Our neuro is also a shrink...and in his opinion he is not likely to become violent...He said he is going to be very stubborn and that is what he is.My DH has ALWAYS put others first, always helpful and is today...we never had words or a fight either. Just because your DHs became violent or difficult to manage does not mean mine will. My mother did not nor did my uncle. Difficult to get him to shower when he should or change clothes yes..he is that now..and I know when to let it alone and when to press it. I did mention to our doc that he was an aggressive, courageous attack pilot. He never took his skills in the cockpit for granted ( that is when you die, when you become complacent). Our doctor said that was his job but is not his nature.
mothert, I'd consider "no alcohol" same as "no driving" tho' it would be difficult to eliminate it. Absolutely follow suggestions here for your safety and well being.
It sounds like he is at the totally unreasonable abusive stage, and alcohol is making it worse. I would strongly suggest not trying to handle this on your own. I would call his doctor ASAP and get him on meds to calm him down.
Talking with your husband about his drinking is basically a waste of breath. Just because he is reasonable one minute, does not mean he will be so the next. Ask the doctor what to do about it. If you can't keep him away from it, I would water it down.
DH didn't drink, one time when he was just acting crazy I got in car and drove away. He called 911, said he didn't have anyone to take care of him and he was sick. 911 called his son who then called me on cell phone. I told him where I was (walmart) and explained situation. I then returned home and he was like nothing happened. One day he locked his son and I out of house. His son broke door and we got in. After that all I had to do was threaten to call his son. Mothert sorry you are having to deal with alcophol and this disease. Nellie
i would also eliminate alcohol intake, esp with antipsychotic drugs if they are taken. so many variables to consider with rages. medication and finding the right one is always difficult but most of us have found some that work. there are levels of aggression. some we can manage others not nor should be attempt it. if its enough to frighten you maybe call 911 and ask to have him evaluated at a psyche ward. divvi
I delute my DH's wine intake. I put in about 2 fingers of red or white wine with grape juice or tea depending on which one he wants and I put it in a wine glass. He doesn't even know how much I put in the glass. I am sure that when he gets his own drink he puts more in there than I do.
When my DH used to drink brandy, I would water it down and he never knew the difference. You might do this or put something in it that alters the taste. DH just said he did not like the taste anymore and stopped drinking. He does however get agitated in the evening and start taking things out of closets and drawers and wanting to give those things away.
My mother bought my grandmother non-alcoholic wine when she realized that my grandmother was having her first drink of the evening over and over again. It comes in bottles that look like wine.
I did send his doctor a detailed note today via email explaining the alcohol, sundowning, toileting issues, etc. I asked him to move up our next appt and to talk to dh about his drinking and to prescribe something to calm him down. We'll see.
Today was a beautiful day here and we took a drive to a beautiful place called Deception Pass. Came home at 4:00 (he immediately gulped down a beer) and 1/2 hour later went for the wine. I asked him not to do that because it made a beast out of him. He kind of smirked, but didn't have the wine and only one more beer with dinner. I immediately got into the shower and after went into the den to do some computer work. He just came in stiff as a board and told me that he just didn't know about me anymore (the standard line is that I'm just not warm and cuddly - WELL, WHO WANTS TO CUDDLE THAT BUTTHEAD??) - Ahem, sorry. So, he's got that mean look on his face again and just went out the door for a walk. He never stays gone longer than 15 minutes. So, I'm banging off this email while I can. He is jealous of any phone calls I get, the internet, etc. I cannot be living in a box all the time, especially with a psychotic man. How long does this phase take, anyway?
Well my LO never got physically abusive but the verbal part was an everyday thing for the last year or so,at one point she called the local police dept an tried to have me thrown out of the house,about six months after that she got out late at night an I found her trying to cross a four lane highway with her dog on a leash at 10:30 at night,when I tried to get her into car she didn't know who I was so I had to get a policeman an he called ambulance,that was last memorial weekend ,she hasn't been home since,I feel for ya,thought I was gonna go nutz first,any threat of physicle violence and I would have the police involved,they know not what they do and its heart breaking
My DH is doing the verbal abuse and he is changing is personality so much that I don't know when the physical abuse is coming but I can tell that it will happen because he is getting more and more aggitated by my doing things that I have always done the same way. When that happens I will call the police. Even though they do not know what they are doing they still could really hurt us.
deb-let the police know what you are dealing with before you need them. Two reasons:they will believe you. When I had to call the police when I was scared to death my husband was able to convince them it was just a domestic squabble. Second-you don't want the police to hurt your husband.
Deb, I second bluedaze. Let the police know. Be prepared. And, if possible, get medications. As we spouses know "pharmacology is our friend" - (((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
deb, you wouldn't believe what a difference medication can make. I have seen both sides of the coin--we are fortunate that in this day and age, there are drugs that can make a huge difference. Take heed to the warning the changes in your husband are giving you and make sure you get a handle on the situation BEFORE physical abuse enters the picture.
with this disease you have to stay one step ahead and make sure they remain compliant with updated medications to curb this aggression and nasty side. its ongoing and ususally we see they become adjusted pretty quickly to a certain dose over time and updates are needed often. it will make a big difference to find the correct med for this. if they are showing signs of changing for the worse, its time to get him to his dr for a change in meds before you need the police. many have found that a stay in a hospital is the only way to find a decent working med to get them compliant.
divvi is right--my husband was inpatient in March for a med adjustment and just this week I started seeing changes again--I am monitoring the situation closely.
I do have a note in to dh's dr but he hasn't responded yet. I did take somebody's advice and laced his wine with at least half water - he didn't notice, but, he didn't have more than 2 glasses, either - AND, he was a decent human being. However, that being said, I do think he's into "Sundowning", but, he also gets very upset by other things at any time of the day or night. I have to be very careful what I say or how I say it because he is so moody and mouthy. My best friend called this morning and I talked to her for about 45 minutes and it made him a jerk the rest of the day. He finally pulled out of it around 4:00. However, he only had one glass of wine/water (hah!) tonight and was very pleasant. I think I also read that they go in and out of bad behavior, true? Boy, his bad behavior is very hard to take.
BTW, what do I tell the local sheriff in advance? Just that he has AD and is starting to become aggressive?
mothert, here is what I did. I called our county police non-emergency number. I explained that my husband has AD. I said that he wasn’t violent, but that I knew that could change. I then asked how they would handle it if I would call the police because he got violent & I felt that my life was in danger. The lady I spoke with was very nice. She said that it depended on the situation, but she said in most cases they would transport him to the hospital to get an evaluation & he would probably stay while they adjust his medication. She then told me that I didn’t have to wait until he turned violent. I could actually petition the court to have him evaluated. Once the petition is approved a patrol car would come & pick him up & transport him to the hospital.
Well, thank you so much ElaineH; I will trot on down to the Sheriff's office as soon as I can do that and let them know what our status is and ask how they handle those situations. Such a difficult journey for all of us.
mothert, I am so glad that my suggestion of diluting the wine is working for you. At least for now it sounds like a good plan. ElaineH, does the police station keep the information about my DH on record so that when I do call they remember what I said, because it could be a few days or a few months before I actually need them?