The issue of "other comanionship" was brought up on the "Feeling Alone" thread. It has been discussed in many other threads on this board, but there are so many new people who have not had a chance to participate, that I wrote a blog today that re-examines the topic. I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read the blog.
I would also suggest reading the comments under the "Feeling Alone" thread. Everyone is welcome to join in the discussion, but I am hoping to hear from some of our newer members who may be reluctant to express their feelings on this very important topic for Alzheimer spouses.
I am a newbie. Although I have been travelling this journey for several years, I am not at the point where I could or would want to discuss this topic. I haven't walked in any of your shoes long enough. Anything I could add would not reflect what I may feel in the future. I have not suffered through all the trials so many of you have. Right now I have a dilemma which I will vent and ask for all your input in another discussion. Thank God for this website.
A moral dilemma is a perfect title for this topic. I have just recently been thinking about whether or not I want to date again but I am really struggling with it. I am married but I am living a single life. I'm 55 and hope to have many years ahead of me. My husband has been in assisted living about 1-1/2 years and is in late stages of Alzheimer's. My religious upbringing and my vows said 'in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, til death do us part'. I, like many of you, know just how bad the bad times can be and what sickness is. However, he has not passed and he is still alive. We aren't in a marriage but we are married. He doesn't know who I am and he cannot communicate with anyone so we have to anticipate his needs. Can it be adultery when they don't know that they are even married, don't know who you are and . . . .?
At this point I don't think I could have someone else in my life. I have learned to never say never. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I could change my mind. I do not think bad of anyone who has found someone. I am learning to not judge, as we have not walked a mile in their shoes. And what would work for one, may not work for another. After all is said and done, we need to do what is best for ourselves and our loved ones.
I am not about to judge anyone else..For me I could not do this. When the elc lawyer suggested divorce, it made me think of those wedding vows..and even though he might not know ( it is early in this game as DH, while not the partner he once was, still knows) later down the road, I would know.. I don't know if I could live with myself but like others say one can never say never but for now, the answer would be no.
If the opportunity for companionship should arise, I think I could take it. I wouldn't judge anyone else. You younger women should have a life. DH and I have been in this (AD) together for 11 years. I long for a for a conversation that includes 2 people. I look at a 5 yr old photo of us and wonder who the heck the guy next to me now is. I have a 200 lb baby to care for. I love him still, but in a parental way. I'll soon be 75 yrs old and still think I have a future. I don't know when I'll get it. I don't have time now, but if the opportunity presents itself, who knows. I think I will be game.
Hmmmmmm For me the answer is no but I wonder what happened to a former boyfriend who at one time I thought I couldn't live with out. I think I'll Google him and see if he is still living. He'd be about 87 now and I bet all that curly hair is gone and he probably has a beer belly but that boy could dance. Hmmmmm.....
I wouldn't want to be tied down again either. Even if the guy had all his faculties he would still expect me/you to cook, clean and do laundry for him. The ONLY way I would consider it is if the guy could take care of all those things himself and I don't know how many of them are around after they hit 70.LOL.
No major commitments is my motto from now on. But I would be open to hmmm.....a special relationship.... On the downside, I don't look like I used to, although only 54. Menopause and dementia played havoc on my body for some unknown reason. With DH getting excellent care in a NH, it is time to whip myself back into shape... Anyone have a whip?
Oh..I mentioned it before, but bears repeating. I am open to a relationship outside this "marriage" but if he ever mis-places his keys or forgets something at the store...i am heading for the hills. I will NEVER do this again. There is not enough love in me to do it 2nd time.
Now where is that whip....oh...there is some ice cream in the fridge. I am gonna start my excersize program tomorrow...I promise...after I finish off the pizza.
The world is full of normal married people who have affairs. I never considered it before I became a married widow. My DH's body was still alive, but our marriage had died. Does 'til death us do part' only refer to the people or can it mean the death of the marriage? The only thing left of our true love marriage was a faded piece of paper. Before he died, opportunities presented themselves, but none were of interest to me. I don't know what would have happened if I'd been attracted to someone, but I think I may have gone for it. I always loved and protected my DH and I'd care for him again if I could. I still love him years after his death but I have a gentleman friend now and there are those who would not be unfaithful even after the spouse has died. While I never say never, I have no plans to re-marry or live with someone--other than my cat Nueve--and not a lot of knights in shining armor on a white horse live in my neighborhood. Would I give up my personal freedom for one? Nah, don't think so. Too much silver to polish. One thing I do know, I will never, ever, ever criticize whatever anyone does to get thru AD. Subconsciously, most of us protect ourselves, we can only sacrifice so much and still survive.
I do wonder what a theologian would say..any of the Christian faiths...in reference to the "death" of a marriage due to AZL, not cancer or some other disease but this one where the mind is slowly killed off by this disease and the LO no longer knows you, you can no longer have a conversation, you can no longer make joint decisions...and all the rest of it..This could be an interesting discussion.
There is something to be said when the living body no longer is able to function in any way at all. When the person needs help with every single function of living. If the LO is able to do things for him or herself, knows who you are etc that way but just forgets things is one situation then there is the LO in the NH who still has knowledge of who one is, or even knows on some level who you are ,perhaps that is something else again but when they are just there, being cared for in every possible way, then what..is the spouse just supposed to sit at home and rot? Is the spouse not entitled to any kind of social life with out being assigned the bit red A or have the town wag their tongues about someone just because they are seen out having a nice dinner out with conversation or maybe a movie?
I fault no one for what they may choose to do..it is an individual decision..and it is not an easy one.
I’ve said this before here but I will put my 2 cents in again. Even before AD entered our lives I decided that if DH died first I would not get into another relationship again. We’ve had a good marriage, but I’ve never been alone. I went from living with my parents to living with my husband. I definitely need some alone time. Also I NEVER want to be a spouse caregiver again. I once mentioned here that it would be nice to have a companion to go to dinner & the movies & other places with, but then someone else said that I’m not going to find that because the other person would always want more. Well then I guess I’m just out of luck. I have to agree with Bettyhere* & say that the only one I will live with is Junior......my cat!
My life partner Gracie is perfect. Her potty manners are meticulous. She eats a well balanced diet when hungry. Bathing and grooming are an inborn trait. Her loyalty to me is without question. She does share my bed-but only on her own terms. Only one problem-her whiskers tickle ;0)
I would not have been able to be in a relationship with someone else while Charlie was living. That is just ME. I would certainly not judge anyone who chooses to be though. I don't think I could be in a relationship now that he is gone. I am not into sex without commitment and commitment means caring and caring means responsibility that I am not up to (not yet and maybe not ever).
My cat Ebonie thinks she is my mother..so I am looked after...I get my hands and ears and cheek " washed "with kitty kisses when I go to bed and I am awakened in the morning with same. But if I hide under the covers, cuz I don't want to get up when kitty, does, she digs me out with fury..I think to make sure I am alive, to fill her breakfast bowl.. It is better than nothing I guess. I did not go from homework to housework. I was on my own after college graduation for 8 years and it served me well. Funny thing about marriage tho, it taught me how to be a dependent so I am not so sure I won't have to learn to stand on my own again even after this whole ordeal.
I'm all for it, once a spouse has progressed to a point where you can feel fairly comfortable he/she will not be hurt by your actions. That said, as much as it's hard for me to process the idea that this is it for me—loving involvement has ended in my lifetime—it is equally difficult to imagine a person who could fill the hole. But I could not imagine Jeff until I found him, so you never know. Age feels like a great disadvantage though. It's easy to imagine the possibility existing in your nebulous future when you're 20, but time and the fish bowl seem drastically less generous at middle age.
As such, I am at peace, more or less, with the likelihood of only getting one person in this lifetime.
How about a gay boyfriend? I have a gay neighbor across the street, but he isnt alot of fun. I want a flamboyant gay boyfriend that thinks I am FABULOUS and will give me hair and makeup and dressing tips.
I can't tell if you are serious or just playing with us, but I can tell you that this idea has come up before on these boards. I have a gay friend (who is in a long term relationship with a man, so he's not available as an escort), who is so kind and caring. He's the only man I've ever met who NOTICES MY SHOES. Honest to God, he compliments me on my SHOES.
Not surprising Joan! Gay men are often the best fashion critics. I was in American Apparel today with daughter Olivia who was selecting a dress to wear out for her 21st birthday tomorrow. She was wavering between an one-shouldered black knit from AA, and another she'd snapped a photo of herself wearing in Lord & Taylor. The young salesguy in AA is who she finally turned to for advice, and he pinpointed exactly what he knew she wanted in a dress, and exactly what needs each of her options met.
Forgive me for broad-brushing an entire populations—there are undoubtedly exceptions—but this guy's advice was right on target.
Have you ever watched some of the designer's challenges with respect to interior design..the gay guys are hard to beat..they really do know who to put a room together!
It is interesting reading everyone's point of view. I am not going to divorce my husband and I wouldn't do it even if an elder care attorney recommended we do it. At this time in my husbands life, he needs and advocate and he needs to be cared for. I am ensuring he is cared for and I am is advocate. Menopause and AD and the associated stress didn't do me any good. I've gained weight and I'm not healthy. I need to get healthy and I am starting down that path. I don't mind being alone but I don't want to be another AD statistic. I'm not actively looking for anyone and a few years ago I would never of thought I would even consider it. After the extremely tough year before DH was placed and the past 1-1/2 years being alone, I am starting to emotionally heal and it is causing me to relook at my life.
This is just my opinion and really only relates to my feelings. I, like Diane T, need time to myself to heal and get well. After this AD Hell is over, I must have time for me. To do what I want when I want with no one to take care of and no one to answer to. I need to concentrate on me and my own health. After that, I probably will want male companionship, but not until I am ME again. Me first after this is over. Me first. Then I may look for a "cub" with no strings attached, and certainly no chance of me being an AD caregiver again.
Joan, I am serious AND playing. Seriously would like a gay boyfriend who thinks I am FAB. Would take away all the other "issues" that come between men and woman as friends. I am also just in a playful mood today. Dont mean to offend anyone at all. I am just starting the ME FIRST phase of my life..literally, just starting. Not too anxious to jump into anything, but lonely as all get out.
I agree with you Diane. Our spouses do need us to care for them. I'm confused though, about something in your response. You're not thinking that those of us who say we'd consider other companionship are contemplating divorcing our spouses are you? I'm probably just misunderstanding the context of your second sentence.
I'm in this for the long haul...to the bitter agonizing end. He was the man of my dreams when I found him and I have no intention of leaving him by any means but death. We used to talk about what if one of us got really sick and I used to tell him I would want him to put me out of my misery if my life had no quality. Now it is me and he is the one whose life has no quality. When this nightmare is over, I don't want to be in a committed relationship ever again. I have 11 beautiful grandkids from 18 mos. to 23 yrs. and I want to be with them and do granny things. That will be good enough for me! And maybe, God willing, I will be a great-grandma and I can take care of little babies if you get my meaning. When I really miss Lloyd, I have a photo album that I put together that has all pictures of him over the years and it is very comforting to look at and on a good day, he likes it, too.
I could not consider another relationship while my husband is still alive, but then, I, because of my faith, feel that marriage vows are between a man and a woman...and God. I believe that it is a commitment that I agreed to, and so although it is extrememly hard, I cannot fathom doing that. Even though my husband will become "brain dead", technically, in Gods eyes he would still be alive so my aggreement to the marriage vows I feel would still be binding. But I can understand someone getting into that, as the thought has crossed my mind. It can at times by so lonely, but I have 5 children and 11 grandchildren to keep me company. Like so many others, the stress, menopause and my own issues have taken a toll, and I have such low self esteem I can't even imagine after DH is gone trying to get into another relationship. This is my second marriage, and I haven't done well at choosing either time, so don't think I would try for a 3rd relationship. Like so many others however, I don't judge others for their feelings or decisions, as, we never know what tomorrow will bring...may surprise us! I really like the idea of having some time to find out who I am, at 56 it's about time!
Very interesting to read all the accounts and opinions. To capsulize, it appears that many have minds made up and are in it for the long-haul. . others are open to "friendships" as they may present themselves, but will choose to do so on own terms and not create an additional "burden" or responsibility. I think it would be safe to say that we all miss the "flutters" or however you would want to describe that feeling of desiring or being desired. I think the challenge of caring for someone has taught all us many different types of lessons. .I think it has also provided insights into how we are wonderfully wired with wanting to be relational and the innate need of companionship. Personally, for me, I have not completely made up my mind. I'm 57 and I am so busy with work, scheduling companion care for DW, son graduating from college this spring and going on to medical school, household responsibility, etc. . Don't know where I could even fit additional time in. . . but, I do think about it. I do appreciate the overwhelming response of all being non-judgmental on how others are feeling. No one needs an implied permission. . but nice to know how so many understand.