It's springtime, and once again, I'm feeling very frustrated in taking care of all the outside work around our home. I took over cutting the grass last year when DH was increasingly casual about it. He'd let it get too long (yes, judgement issues) and then say he couldn't cut it because it was "too wet". This outdoor work is just one more responsibility that I'm tired of handling. I've thought about getting a service, but I'm trying to be very frugal since we're totally living on SS disability and private disability. I'm using part of the private disability to pay off my husband's business debts, which are about 25 % of his monthly payment.
This all leads to the bigger question -- how much should we sacrifice at our own expense to ensure stability and happiness for our loved one? I would really like to move from our 5 bedroom house which we've owned for almost 24 years. We have several maintenance issues which I estimate will probably cost about $25,000 to repair. I'll have to dip into DH's IRA in order to make those repairs. Our property taxes, utilities and insurance use up 50% of his SS disability. Moving into a smaller home (such as a townhouse) would eliminate the outdoor work and significantly reduce our property taxes. The real problem is getting husband to agree -- he says no to any change suggested. I realize this is all part of the disease and he's still trying to remain in control as much as possible. But I'm getting very tired of managing finances and knowing that there's a cheaper way to live.
Last year we had to close my husband's business and his son took the steps to start the ball rolling. Once it was closed, my husband's reaction was almost as if it had never even existed. (Yes, I had to deal with the financial fallout with that and am still dealing with the IRS.) Maybe the same thing would happen if I take steps to seriously look at selling the house. I always struggle with doing the right thing for him while trying to preserve my own sanity and strength. I know he will very strongly protest about making a change, since he also worked from our home and all his business stuff is surrounding him in the basement. But all he's doing is watching TV all day, surrounded by old files and junk mail which I weed out when he isn't looking. I'd have to move part of the business stuff anyway -- why not watch TV in a cheaper place?
Does anyone have any advice as to how to go about moving a loved one who still is cognizant enough to protest change?
I think your reasoning is sound. Down size save taxes and insurance cost and utility if you can get a well built home. Sell and pay cash for your next place with the funds from the sale. That would be my advice. a smaller place will be less expensive all the way around and then pay for yard work to be done. Your logic to your husband would be because you do not have the business income you can no longer afford your lifestyle long term . Hopefully you can do this while he still has the ablity to learn the new place. Consult a tax person to understand the tax implications.
Elaine, I agree your reasoning is good. However, depending on where you live the real estate market may not be good for you to sell now. If you don't sell now, again, depending on where you live, if it's a small town - contact the maintenance workers at the county courthouse. They always are looking for extra jobs to do. I found the most amazing "handyman" there. He is wonderful and will do anything I ask of him. He even stops by just to visit DH and they have a great time together. You may find that $25,000 repair job may be a lot cheaper.
Vickie has good advice, Elaine. The Real Estate Market is not good in my area. I moved 4 years ago and am still trying to sell the house we did live it. Major stress. I built a home before I tried to sell because I knew I could only make 1 move. I am glad I was able to build another home and move but still owning two homes is pretty stressful. Now, it is just me alone and my new home is bigger and more expensive than I need - but I am not yet ready to make another move. Each of us have to make our own decision on what will be best for us. Things look good "on paper" but reality is a lot different. Good Luck.
We moved to our town home six years ago from our home of 34 years. It was a good move. The advantages include having all yard maintenance and outdoor work taken care of. We pay monthly home owner association dues, but the association manages all outdoor maintenance. It was the right move for us. It may be harder if your DH does not want to move. Mine put up very little resistance. I had to do everything involved. That includes hiring a Realtor, packing, hiring a lawyer, dealing with inspections, movers, getting rid of much furniture, changing utilities, buying a new refrigerator. It was a lot of work and I never want to do it again, but I am glad we did it.
Elaine I relate and have been through this and still am. email me and maybe we can talk. my "getting the house ready to sell calloused hands" are wearing out on this keypad. Terry
We moved to a smaller house a year and a half ago. My husband disliked the idea. He refused to participate in the planning and told people that when I get an idea in my head there is no stopping me. Once we got settled in, he loved it. He started telling me and other people that I was right, that it was a good move. I arranged a lot of renovations on the house we moved into to make one level wheelchair ready and set up for for his comfort. We were able to sell our other house, not for as much as it would have been worth a couple of years earlier but it was still worth it.
The real estate market is in bad shape, but they may be all the more reason to sell now. Read this: http://www.cnbc.com/id/42904204
Home prices are at new lows. Yes, that’s bad from the stand point of what you will get for your current house, but good for buying the new house.
Home prices are going to continue to go lower (and lower still). As prices drop, more and more people become “under water” which leads to more defaults, short sales, and disclosures. Think snowball travelling downhill.
With falling markets, it is better to sell your current house now. If you are going to lose home value over the next several years, it is better to lose it on a lower priced house.
The best “financial” approach might be to sell your house now, rent for a few years, and then buy the new house. But that is obviously not practical with a husband that will be disturbed at just one move; two would be unthinkable.
I would approach your husband subtly. Just say “we’re not buying now, I just want to look and see what’s available for down the road.” Ask him to come along because you need his opinion, he knows so much more about this stuff then you do, etc. He will either A) enjoy the hunt and adding his valuable opinion, or B) hate it and leave it to you. If he refuses to participate at all, just ignore him and go it alone on the hunt. If you find a place that looks like a winner then you can work on getting him on board for the move.
I would also be careful to look for features that will make this your last move – a home you can grow old in. Consider things that you may not need now, but will 10 years from now – like a neighborhood association that does all the outdoor maintenance like MaryD mentioned. Proximity to public transportation, etc.
Most important tip - never fall in love with a potential new home - it will destroy your negotiating power. If you do fall in love, never let the prospective seller, their realtor, or even your own realtor know it. Always appear to be a reluctant buyer.
This all sounds like good advice. I can't give any on whether to sell or not, but for yard work I have found an excellent solution: a neighborhood high school kid who comes over one afternoon after school and mows the lawn and does any other heavy work I need done. That way I can do the parts of the yard work that I enjoy (I have an "English" garden) while paying very little to get the boring bits done by someone who is glad of some pocket money. I found him by putting a note up in our local supermarket.
I really want to keep my house. I like and am able to do all of the work inside and out. My drawback is that DH wants me to either be sitting with him or he and I doing everything together. This is fine except I work 40 hours a week, and he is more than capiable of doing most of the work. Also, doing projects with him is not fun as I have my way of doing things and I do them very fast. He does nothing fast and has to think everything out really long and hard and I have to stand there and wait. Then I get in trouble for looking at him. Not very fun.
Mary, I feel since I found this site a couple of days ago, I am blabbing my brains out! I also work very fast, and DH moves VERY SLOWLY. I used to be able to get all the housework done after I got home from work but before he did, so I guess he thought it just 'stayed clean.' When he retired and was home, he thought I was mad all the time because I do it all so fast. I can run into the bedroom, put a bunch of laundry away, pick things up, make the bed, and he is still making his way down the hall. What a life this is, huh? Our son and his family live in Dillon. When I discovered that the slow moving is one of the things that goes with the AD, it made me feel a little better and maybe not quite as frustrated with him -- but it still drives me nuts.
spellchick, I move very fast too and used to go through the cleaning up the house like a hurricane! I'll tell you, I have learned to slow it down. Probably is much better for me too. DH will take 1/2 hour to make the bed - that's okay, I could care less if it even gets made anymore. He will vacuum the hardwood and a few throw rugs - takes him 2-3 hours, with sit-down breaks in-between. That's okay too. Keeps him busy while I do something else! I used to be a neat-freak - not anymore. If it doesn't get done today, it will be there when I get to it. Yep - he is so slow - guess that's why his BP is always good! LOL
Vickie, you have no idea how great it is to find out that other people are just like us, having the same frustrations. I thought I was the only one in the world with this problem and it is all over the place. My neat-freakishness is hard to get control of, but circumstances are making it out of my control. I have tried having him make the bed, but it looks worse than before he started -- I think "how can this be?" My DH has very low BP too - and I am the one on BP meds! You definitely have a point there!
spellchick, blab away, that is what this site is all about. I know that it really helps me to write about my problems & just like you said, it’s a relief to find out that someone here is having the same issues that I am.
Going to the grocery store drives me nuts. I am pushing a basket and walking as slow as I can. She is always telling me to slow down. I get to the middle of the store and have her sit by the cart, while I run and get stuff. I can cook a meal befor she can set the table. It is really hard to slow down to a crawl.
I often have Siem peel a potato while I cook the meal. He peels very slowly and carefully, then washes it under lots and lots of water, then lines the peelings up in a neat row on the counter! By the time he is finished with the potato, dinner is ready. I usually throw the potato away. He never notices. Sometimes i slice it and microwave it in the steamer and let him have it with dinner. He doesn't mind a potato with spaghetti or whatever we're having. He is easy to please these days.
One of the principles I am trying to learn starts with realizing that if I want the job to be done right I have to do it myself. But the important part I am learning is that in many cases it is ok for it not to be done right!
What drives me crazy is that my DH can’t understand what I want him to do. He has a terrible case of agnosia & he can’t see the things I am trying to point out to him. He says he wants to help but even when I ask him to do the simplest things he doesn’t understand. For instance, if I ask him to put something in the bedroom he doesn’t know which room the bedroom is. So frustrating………..for both of us!
Elaine K – We like to keep our spouses happy and include them in decisions, but the truth is that we are responsible for everything now, and sometimes we have to make choices that they aren't happy with. Frankly, I'm not thrilled with the idea of moving, either. But I'm also not happy about living in a house that's falling down because we can't do or pay for the maintenance that it needs.
At this stage, if I have to make some decision that DH may not be happy with, I just don't talk about it, but keep moving toward accomplishing what needs to be done. In the beginning I made one fairly large bad financial decision because I was trying to keep DH happy and do what he wanted. After that, I tried to remember that I'm the one without dementia, so I should be the one making the decisions.
I've been trying to work through the downsizing/moving process, too. Yesterday DH told me that he is worried about moving, because he knows he will never be able to remember where anything is. The sad truth is that even if we stay in this house, the time is rapidly coming when he will not know where things are. I'm afraid that if I wait much longer to make a move, I won't be able to handle all the work it will take to get settled in a new place. And making a move if DH needs more care than he does now would be impossible.
My house now looks worse than it ever has. Some days it really bothers me, but other days there are bigger fish to fry, if you know what I mean. I dread the possibility that I could drop dead and some of DH's family would see the house. (These are the same people who don't help ever, at all.) I know the comments that would be made about my housekeeping, like "She wasn't doing anything but taking care of him. Why couldn't she keep the house clean?" I've thought about leaving them a note that says, "Obviously I haven't been feeling well lately, because I'm dead now. So please cut me a little slack on how the house looks!"
JanK, love what you said about them seeing your house. One thing that keeps me going is that I have so much Paperwork to get in order that I would be mortified if anyo e saw much less had to deal with! How is that for some motivating suicide prevention????
Vickie, I had finally accepted the slowness also and appreciated the things that kept him busy. But now with the house on the market it is a different story. First I have to do a house patrol to replace everything he has got in weird and unattractive places, remember to check the toilet he uses (OMG), but still these are irritants and I have big stuff to worry about now. The other day realtor called saying he and a buyer would be here 20 minutes earlier than planned. I was down to the wire even with lowered expectations. dH had talked unhandy caregiver into rehanging the full length bathroom mirror I had just bought and which previous unhandy caregiver had chipped and hung wrong. So....what happened with one minute to spare...he broke a big piece off the bottom and then insisted on the most ridiculous fix with superglue you can imagine. Still I wouldn't have minded so much except that I was half in my pajamas and slippers when I had to gather the dogs and drive off. Alrighty....
I was in your same place a few years ago. We had a 3400 sq ft house with a large yard. I had to take more and more on until it was so overwhelming. All of his work, fixing things that broke, taking care of my husband and working full time (I was 52 then). I kept bringing up selling the house and my husband didn't want to. Hind sight is always foresight and I can see now that it was 'home' for him and the only thing that he felt comfortable with. I had to place him in an ALF 1-1/2 years ago. I did all the work to fix the house up and then put it on the market and sold it, it sold in 1-1/2 days. I was very lucky and blessed. I had to sell it for much less than I thought it was worth because everything in my neighborhood was a short sale or foreclosure in the last year or two prior to me selling. I figured I sold in that market and I bought in that market. I have sense downsized but still have a good size home and a much smaller yard. The bills are less and I'm looking at retiring the end of this month.
No one knows what the right answer is for you and your husband.