I have a recently-made friend, Stan, age about 52, PhD consultant with his own business, married, 2 teenage daughters, seems friendly, bright, helpful, almost too good to be true, lives within in mile, avid cyclist, drops in to see me once in a while for a cup of tea, main common interest is writing (he’s gives me stuff of his to read, has asked to read mine). I’ve thought of him as good son (I’m 81). He had once commented on the number of files on my dining room table, and I told him I had had 4 years of step children trying to get their father’s money. He came to DH’s funeral, is a great admirer of my husband’s writing. At the reception, he circulated and talked to many people there, probably the step kids and their mother. As you know my step-kids picked up their hatchets again last week, and I think I’ve got that settled down. At the end of the week, I got a letter addressed to one of my step daughters and her husband, but sent to my address. I didn’t recognize the return address. I know all about it being against the law to open mail not addressed to you, but I also have learned that anything to do with the step kids has meant trouble for me, and I opened it. It was a letter of invitation to the step-daughter and her husband for an evening at my friend Stan’s home to sponsor a cyclist named Susan to raise funds for a charity. The return address and phone number for RSVP is Susan’s place of employment. It seemed to me that I was expected to forward this letter to step daughter and her husband. I e-mailed both Stan and Susan and asked to be taken off the mailing list (I want these step kids out of my life) and asked for an explanation. Today I got Susan’s reply: Dear Mary, I have just had a conversation with Stan in which I learned of the error in the address I put on the invitation to Catherine and Steve X. It was an innocent mistake. I used to live in that area and my son and their son went to elementary school together. I had recently spoken with Catherine in the grocery store and, without going into reasons, had decided to invite them. I no longer had their address so used on-line white pages. I knew they were on West xxth and the street number seemed to be about right for their block. Based on what you included in your email I can understand your concern. I did not receive the email you addressed to me until Stan forwarded it tonight as the email address used was incorrect. I would have replied right away. I apologize for any distress this has caused. Susan
I wrote her back: Dear Susan, Thank you for your reply. My step daughter Catherine has never had any children and does not shop at that grocery store. I know of no other XX's who live on West XXth Ave. or in this immediate area. In the 30 plus years that I have lived here, I have never received any other phone calls or mail for them. I am unable to find them listed on the online white pages. Mary (my name)
She wrote the following back:
Hmm I'm not great with names but I didn't think I was that off!
I don't blame you for your concern and suspicions. Stan, knowing something of your difficult relationship with the step kids, should have been more aware and thoughtful than to get involved like this even if it is a cyclist thing. If friendship develops there with Catherine and her spouse and Stan and Susan.. I would bow out...Keep your guard up and say nothing more about those step kids or what is going on..and frankly for him to ask about what was on your table was a bit cheeky if you ask me. That clearly was and is none of his business.
I beg your pardon but if I understand the sequence Stan is a recent friend as you describe, he attended the reception and may have met your step daughter. Next Susan has sent an invitation clearly addressed to the step daughter but sent to your address inviting them to attend an event to consider sponsorship for a charity. Stan forwarded your email in response to this to her and she replied that she had met your stepdaughter and talked about children that don't exist so couldn't have gone to the same elementary school. In response to you pointing these facts out she deflected that she might have been mistaken about the name. You haven't heard from Stan.
Three points then:
Stan gave Susan your stepdaughter and her spouse's proper names as a potential sponsor for her charity raising activities. This is likely because he knew the email address to Susan was wrong and forwarded it to her as a response to the issue. What is missing is Stan's response to you. This seems odd since it appears at that time you had had no previous contact with Susan and therefore onus of a response was on him to you. A non response seems unusual. This may imply his nature at being caught in a faux pas or it might imply some other motive.
Secondly whatever is afoot, it is poorly planned and therefore lends itself to a simpler explanation. To explain if there were intricate things afoot Stan would have talked to Susan or emailed to collaborate on what to say. Not to make too much of that; but, mutual embarrassement is sufficient for that to happen. It's highly likely there was nothing of the sort because of Susan's massive error in making up an excuse. In my opinion with just these facts that suggests a person who might be pushing all the conceivable buttons to get sponsors and that that is the full motive of all this. In that explanation Stan has still made a fairly large error in judgement in passing the names on to her knowing what you had said. It's clear that Susan had to try and solve the address problem which apparently Stan did not obtain or provide.
Thirdly if there were something deeper, and pardon me I'm just drawing from the information above, then we would have to combine the connection to you, your husband's writings, and the information about what those papers were and what they implied. If that is the case then Stan is an idiot and that's not how he was made to sound. The reason would be that Stan has a plan and the wits to connect to this step daughter and the wits to get her and her spouses name; then to give that to Susan but not the address, no help with the address, no help with what to say to you, and not sufficient wit or motive to avoid you finding out about this or then finding a way to clear it up with you.
It is possible that the connection is completely innocent but quite unlikely. Forwarding the email to Susan and not fairly immediately replying to you that he has no connection to this are the reasons. I believe it likely he gave her the names.
Some of this might become clearer when you assess the monies potentially involved. That is the funds Susan is trying to raise, the perceptions as to who might have those kinds of funds, and the extent of drive an avid cyclist might have connecting to a cyclist (yourself) to help another cyclist get sponsorship for a charitable activity.
I suspect you're looking at poor judgement on Stan's part and a female cyclist who's either new at this or in over her head on how these things are done.
There is a second and likely very remote consideration in regard to any original manuscripts or royalty - not because they may not be there; but, because there's no indication such a motive might exist - however, to be thorough I mention it.
And finally there may be the possibility of some infatuation or other from Stan to Susan or some over enthusiasm in regard to things Susan is trying to do that possibly Stan dreams of or would like to do clouding his judgement.
You lead an interesting life. Unfortunately that's also an old chinese curse. Break a leg with your stepdaughter's personality issues. I'm sorry, I forget her name at the moment - Broomhilde was it?
Thank your for your thoughts, much appreciated. I have had an e-mail from Stan, but not Susan. I've decided not to respond, more or less a gut reaction. Here it is, edited, but it gives an explanation of the mystery:
Susan was so concerned about the error she, she went by the home that she remembered her friends lived at several years ago. While Katherine X was not there at the time, Susan spoke to her son Kevin. Apparently, Katherine and Steve X live at W. and Y avenue. I have no idea if these folks are related to your husband, however, it appears they live only a few blocks from where you. Interestingly, I don't see them listed in the on-line white pages at all.
I think they are working on a scam. I would google Stan and see if you can find any info that supports his bio. I would say Susan and Stan are working together. Be very careful with the info you give them.
I agree and strongly feel you should disconnect from this Stan..what bothered me at the outset was his questioning of you about what those papers on the dining room table are....as if that is any of his business..something smells off...be careful.
Can't believe it. Thought it was the doctor (was diagnosed me with pneumonia earlier today) - but it was Stan. I hung up. Have now blocked his phone number.
mary i hope you get well soon friend. nasty stuff going round and takes some time to rid of it.
i agree with the others sounds like maybe these folks are in cahoots with the stepkids which is bad enough, but if they are scammers they could be a real threat. asking about the folders on your desk was a dead giveaway hes out for info -. who knows, but i would break the chain of friendship. something is not right. take care and be safe. divvi
mary75* please be very careful. I am not a paranoid person but this does not sound good. Especially after the phone call. He knows where you live so please be careful. If I am wrong please forgive me but in the meantime please keep the doors locked and let someone near know if you suspect him. You sound like too nice a person to have something like this to worry about. I am keeping you in my prayers and hoping you keep a bat or something near the doors for protection...... when my husband used to work offshore, me and the boys kept something by the doors at all times. They would tell their daddy they were protecting me while he was gone....... take care....... good night.....
Thanks, Mammie, I read your comment at about 3:30 this morning when I got up to change my bed (heavy night sweat) and was much heartened, especially by your prayers. You really feel alone at the time of the night and sick. I've had another e-mail from Stan, the same day as he'd phoned. I didn't read it but filed it in "junk," so that I can retrieve it if I get any more. I don't have a bat to keep at the front door, but do have a hammer in the basement that I'll get tomorrow when I have some energy. I'll let someone know about him tomorrow, again when I get up the energy. Today I got the steam kettle set up and ginger tea made to sip (the antibiotic has upset my G.I. track), plus honey and lemon to help the cough, and that took me all day. I'm pretty sure I got the bug at UBC: I googled "walking pneumonia" and it mentioned institutions as being a source of infection. A lot of my classmates got sick near the end of the semester. This morning, after reading your comment again, I saw on TV that there is a warning out to seniors that there are people in Vancouver who are going in to Care Facilities and making friends with the patients and then scamming them. Well, I'm pooped now, so signing off.