Spellchick, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It is so shocking when death comes unexpected. Please accept my deepest sympathy to you and your family.
Spellchick, I know exactly how you feel. I am the only one left in my family (number 7 of 8). But one brother was really special to me, he was 10 years older and if he took 2 steps I took 1 right behind him. He died a little over 20 years ago and I still miss him. When I think of him, which is still quite often, I remember the good times we had together and I hope you can do the same and find some comfort. God Bless.
SPELLCHICK, how sad. So sorry to hear of such a loss. I have just been reading emails from my brothers. Though I usually see them only once a year, their support is so important, like you I cannot imagine losing any of them. Sincerest condelences. Thoughts are with you.
Spellchick--I am so sorry for your loss. A while back I decided not to tell my husband when someone passes away. He doesn't retain it and it only makes him sad--I am trying to keep him living in his dreamworld and make it as carefree as possible. But it does make it harder for us emotionally when we don't have a spouse who can help us grieve after losing someone close.
Jeanette--so glad to read your positive post re Siem's placement. I'll have to remember it if/when we get to that point. An issue I don't like thinking about, but I know, in a practical sense, I may have to.
Marilyn..how do you then deal with the subject if someone else mentions so and so died..and it is the first time he hears it from someone else?
I recall, and not to take away from the actual subject here, but looking back, when the son of a friend of ours died ( we don't know what actually happened but at the time it was thought to be murder but in fact we now think it was an aneurysm)..my dh just got so fixated on this it nearly made ME crazy..he was determined to get to the funeral even though this young 20 something was the grandson of one of our dear friends who had long since died...DH felt obligated to go that that in spite of our grand daughter coming up from Yuma, an 8 hour drive..
I finally told him this was crazy...his grand daughter has 3 days and he plans to be away for that? Not happening and I also told him, we were not invited to the wedding of this young man's sister..we are not clsoe to the family..a message of sympathy is sufficient. But for weeks and weeks this went on..Had I only known...
I think every person makes the decision whether to tell our LO about the death of someone on how we think they will react. I have withheld that information when a friend of ours passed away I knew that DH would want to go to her funeral which was 400 miles away. I told him a few weeks after & told him that the service had already been held. I didn’t tell him that my cousin died until the day of the funeral & then not until we were getting dressed to go. If I tell him ANYTHING ahead of time, as far as going somewhere, he constantly asks me when we are going. I learned that the hard way.
Mimi--he could hear of a death from me OR someone else 100 times, it will comes as a surprise every time. So I made the decision a while back not to give him any bad news--about anything. He has no capacity to retain facts, but his emotions are still intact, so he can feel sadness, happiness, etc. I decided that for the rest of his time here, he'll only get happy news from me.
Well that is a good point...My DH doesn't hear the bad news too often..and this death he heard from a friend..Since that time, if someone passes he senses it but then forgets it..but one never knows when the ruminating will begin again.
WEll Yesterday,...Friday the 13th sure turned in to a foul day here..first the washing machine...which can't be looked at until Tuesday..and then yesterday afternoon I see water coming from under the freezer in the garage..This morning the good news it is like a big refridg but as to keeping things frozen..uh nope..but at least it is cold and things are not spoiled ....Yet..so as soon as the shops open I am off to buy a new freezer and HOPE to high heaven it can be delvered today..Otherwise I think spoilage will begin..I can't cook everything in that freezer...what a bust. Put ME in a bad mood all day yesterday not to mention just feeling low.
When I ran errands I parked in front of the Ralph Lauren shop..saw the pretty things in the window and realized how long it has been since I have even got new fussy clothes...we don't go anywhere and there is so much work all the time....just no point to it..
update: went hunting up a new freezer..can't be delivered until Tuesday...tried calling the Amana support no..no one works on the weekend..not much better today..DH asking far too many questions and it is driving me nuts. I think I'll go sit in the fron yard with a sign on ME... free to good home.... (rolley eyes).
I got caught in a flash flood for my Friday the 13th! Really scary but finally reached higher, dryer ground. Mimi, so sorry about your luck, but when you sit in the yard you need to ask a few bucks for yourself, an auctioneer friend of mine once told me that you always needed to put a price on things, when they are free people think they are junk.
Mimi, I would love to be cared for like my cat. She has it so easy. Eat and sleep and look out the windows. Warm in winter and cool in summer. Bird feeder in front to watch the birds.........Now that is pampering to the max.
Took DH out last night to a play! Well it was a high school play :) DD's best friend was in it and asked us to come. Glad we did, it was great fun. But when we got home I was so tense. Keeping an eye on DH through out the play was more trying on me than I thought. But still glad we went. Same friend is doing a music program Monday night, we may give that a try. Nice way to get out and not spend to much money and still feel like you got to do something fun.
I am trying to stay away from this site for awhile, because every time I think of my baby brother dying so suddenly last Wednesday, I start blubbering. Complex arrangements, and the service and burial will be about a 9-hour drive away, burial on Friday, memorial service on Saturday. DH and I used to share driving, but now it is just me. I thought we might be car-pooling with my daughter and her husband and/or my brother and his wife, who all live here. Guess what? Even though we are all close (I thought) suddenly they made their plans together and I am left alone to get me and DH down to Southern Oregon on Thursday, back on Sunday. Am I being too sensitive? They know he does not drive now. I feel kind of like an old shoe you can just kick back into the closet. Hey, I still have some life in me guys. Okay, so I have to do all his packing now, when he used to be able to -- and I have to herd him around. But we are still people, and it is still my baby brother we are going to bury. Too sad. This is the fourth family death in the family in five months. I feel like a wimp, being such a baby about this.
You are not a baby about any of this! And for the others not to even talk to you about the transportation issues is just hurtful. For your daughter to be this clueless when it is her dad who has this disease and not be willing to be supportive of you with regard to the driving is really sad. File this away and when any of the others need a hand, if it is not convenient for you..well turn about is fair play. I don't mean to say never ever be able or willing to help just if it is not a good time for you then put you first and let the others figure things out. I am so sorry for the loss of your little brother..this has to be so hard... Arms around..
spellchick, my heart goes out to you. You are not too sensitive or a baby! I have 2 younger brothers & I know that I would be devastated to lose either one of them. You have my deepest sympathy. In my opinion it was very heartless of your daughter & your brother not to call you first & offer to help you with the driving. They know the situation & they probably know you could use the help. Like Mimi said, maybe you should just not be available if they ever need you. Have a safe trip & let us know how everything went when you get back. I pray for you & that God gives you comfort.
its times like these we find family isnt as 'close' as we suspected. sad they cant be of more help to you during this week and getting to the funeral services. many of us find we cant count on anyone but ourselves alot of the time. have a safe trip. divvi
Spellchick, we have learned that we are alone while fighting this disease. That is why those here at Joan's become our new "Family" with a capital F......We understand and are here for each other....I'm also sorry that neither your daughter nor your brother called to ask what you needed before making any plans.....I would personally ask my daughter to help me pack up the car, and ask your brother and daughter both that you "Caravan" up and back, and maybe they could take turns riding with you "just in case" - step up to them and ASK!!!! Don't sit back...you NEED them and they need to know that their help is needed.
Like Divvi said ....many of us find we cant count on anyone but ourselves alot of the time.....
Yet I would ask....their answers will tell you what you need to know...
(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) I'm so sorry for your loss.....take care of yourself...
Thanks everyone. I will write more on this thread after we return Sunday. A cousin just called, and I have not seen her since her mom died, so it will be great to see her again. Three of my four kids will be there, plus my two remaining brothers. In spite of everything, it will be so good to see everyone. No one realizes DH is as bad as he is, because he is really quiet and has good days and bad. You all know the old "he seemed fine to me" line. I just do not think they realize what a big deal it is to go anywhere these days.
I have just had the most amazing 3 days. Dear friends came from 600 miles away to see us. DH didn't know them all the time, but it was okay. They understood and were absolutely wonderful. I had made up gourmet meals to serve; and got to enjoy cocktails, wine with meals and desserts, while one of them would not inbibe, serve the meals, clean up and would take responsibility for DH. We had wonderful conversations, got to go out with my visiting lady friend while her husband watched DH. It was absolutely a glorious time and I feel so relaxed - even though they just left to go home. DH is calm too, and it didn't bother him much to have someone here. Loved it, loved it!
Sorry Sallie that your family is being so insensitive. As for all the loss, just remember the grief from each loss is piling up and you have no one to share it with. Allow yourself breaks to mourn and cry, then go on. Don't do what I have done all my life - stuff it, that only makes it worse.
On Monday, which was our 40th, was also the day our manager had a BBQ for all the workampers. After we ate we played the 'old newlywed game'. Hb did good with the BBQ and all the chatting. He did OK with the game but it did bother him he could not answer them. I made the mistake of choosing the first answer most of the time as to what he would say thinking that would be the one he would remember - not. He tried really hard to remember the question and choices and I missed a lot. Surprisingly he was right on what I would answer. He felt we did poorly but our scored was in the middle of the 5 couples. He did come home exhausted and with a horrible headache but I felt so bad for him when I would see his frustration. I guess I shouldn't cause he was a real trooper.
Interesting the answers for one question: what did you do for your last anniversary? 2 other couples said the same thing we did: nothing. They don't usually do anything special.
It always comes as a surprise when family members don't offer help, because we know that if the situation were reversed, we'd be right there for them. And I'm not just speaking of Alzheimers problems, but of general indifference on the part of people you grew up with. After it happens time and time again we finally figure out that we're pretty much on our own.
Our 24th is coming soon..11th June..guess all we will do is go to dinner someplace. There will be no card or flowers from him, not even something he might try to create on his own with a scrap of paper, that is unless one of the kids does something for him and that won't happen..they are busy with their own lives and events and it is summer time and and and...So I'll have card for him and maybe a plant for our yard to mark the day. I told him yesterday I was going to get him a pair of glasses for our anniversary. He does not complain about vision but at the eye doctor I know how he is seeing by the answers he gives..so a correction would be good..I am going to go check out the prices today..get him something indestructible. He is hard on grocery store glasses..If he would just wear them he would see the world better and maybe even walk better...God I hate this disease and all the plodding and probing and so forth to get cooperation. It is exhausting.
As to family for help? I hear ya..I have ONE bil who does come up for a couple of days to help or just run errands or get LO out of the house which is not easy as he is discovering...but with some projects it has been great..
yesterday hb was walking the park chatting with guest. He stopped to talk with a couple and the guy mentioned he suffers from dementia. That led to hb to sharing and then he brought them to the office for me to meet. Hb seemed to excited to meet someone else with dementia. Actually the guy is at the MCI stage. From what I can figure out it came about after prostate cancer, diabetes, etc related to Agent Orange. I gave the wife this site and also told them about Memory People on Facebook since the guy goes online. He seemed very interested in being able to share with others what he is going through. We may see her here, only time will tell. I am now thinking maybe hb is ready for an AD support group where those with the disease meet too.
Who started this thread - Good Bye April SHowers!!! It has rained here 3 out of 4 days for the last 3 months! I am so sick of rain and cloudy skies I could scream. Feel like we are living in a tropical rain forest. The grass is so high there is a rabbit in our front yard who is hiding in it and is eating her way out! HELP! I need sunshine!!!!!!!!!
I agree, Phil4:13, we have had rain everyday until yesterday - more due in tonight and for the next 5 days so far! Need sunshine badly. Weather affects DH too - and my Millie. LOL But she has a thundershirt - we don't.
Vickie-as you know my daughter works with AD patients. They sometimes use weighted blankets to calm folks down. http://www.beanblanket.com/?gclid=CPrBwtfv9qgCFQwZ2godSxDKRQ
Well-we had a real frog choker while the poor guys were pressure cleaning my house in preparation for painting next week. Gracie had a wonderful time going from window to window supervising and offering her advice. We really did need the rain. :-D
We have a strange phenomenon in the sky today. If I can remember back that far I think they call it the sun! Hallelujah!!! Supposed to have 2 whole days (well not exactly since it is suppose to rain again Sunday night!) of sun. May even be able to plow through the grass and see what is under all of it.
It's 85° here already. Need sunglasses to get to the mailbox. Love bugs nearly gone. They're messy-but at least they don't bite like the black flies in Maine.
Nice summer weather but boy do we need rain. Driest spring in recorded weather history. There is so little water in the Rhine that they had to close a water barrier to keep salt water from the North Sea from running too far UP the river and ruining the crops. Rode my bike to the nursing home and stayed most of the afternoon. Sat at outdoor tables with most of Siem's wing; one old gentleman was playing a mouth organ and several of us were singing old songs, mostly children's songs. One old lady who is quite far gone knew all the words to all the songs and had a grand old time. The rest clapped after each one (Not Siem, but he was smiling.) The attendants had brought down a cart with soft drinks and snacks so it was a festive afternoon. For the first time Siem got clingy when it was time for me to leave so I waited till they started to serve his supper. Af the first sight of food it was easy to leave.
JeanetteB, I think it is wringing all the rain out of the clouds here before they cross the Atlantic! Marsh, I would like to make a reservation on your ark. Prefer a single room with a sleep number bed and a private bath.