DH's son in CA wants him to come visit. He went last year with no problem flying alone but I am very uncertain about his doing that now as he has declined significantly. Not sure his "stage" but seems a 5 but more 4 in his good times. he flew a lot in business so it may be ingrained in him enough that he could handle it if we got him to an airport 3 hours from here where he could get a non-stop.
Any advice, experience, what to consider? I would love the break but I worry about how he would handle the flight and time there eve though he says he really really wants to go.
I would say no to this. I have the same issue facing me and my DH is normally pretty cool but I think the confusion at the airport would be too much for him and it might be too much for yours too. He should not fly alone. You would either have to pay the airline now to have one of the flt attendants watch him and have wheel chair assist for him from the gate to baggage claim and they would have to stay with your spouse until son comes to meet him... But even more worrisome than that is his reactions on the plane and you are not there or someone he knows is not with him..can you just imagine the upset for the crew and passengers not the least of which would be the upset for your dh? If your son wants him to come visit in CA then how about the son flying to where you are and taking dad back home for the visit? Then maybe toward the end of his time there you could fly out, visit a day or two with your son and then fly back with your DH? That would cost bucks not to mention stress for all of you...but no would not send him alone if he has declined as much as you say he seems to have...no not at all, not safe alone..what your son and his family are not taking into account is the confusion factor that can set in on a whim and then what?
Mimi, thanks for quick reply. I have been having trouble getting much online other than traveling alone is not recommended. My husband I am positive will think he can handle it. But I mentioned to his son that DH has recently waited for me before going into the doctor's office, will not go up to the reception desk without me. on our road trip from AR to VA he could put gas in the car but could not use the cc because it would frequently ask for his zip code which he does not remember. Crowds don't bother him, neither does noise, but he is so hard of hearing it may not fully register. DH still wants to go out on his own to local pubs, etc and when he has managed to do so he appears to handle it ok except for occasion(s) of verbally abusive outburst(s). I guess I am providing the answers myself here.
This is such a confusing stage as when DH talks to his son on the phone he sounds sorta fine except for the confabulation which his son has no way of telling. He doesn't talk with him the times he calls and DH won't talk because he is feeling "confused" as he himself puts it. His son really cares about him and it would make my life life so much easier to deal with having house on the market and a few other pressing issues without DH at home, so I wanted to give this every possible chance of working out. your suggestion is good but unfortunately money is an issue for us now with all the hits we have taken lately in real estate, insurance, medical......
Terry--keep in mind the heightened security issues of today. Having an adult male fly alone, who may look normal physically but isn't ok mentally--that could lead to a whole host of problems if your husband becomes upset and has verbally abusive outbursts either during the security check or on the plane itself. Most people arent aware of EOAD to begin with, and even at one daycare program, my husband was regarded by some employees as just "a guy with a bad temper" because he was younger. If your husband would encounter problems, his age would probably compound them in the eyes of the TSA folks or airline employees. I see this as a potentially disasterous situation!
As recently as two years ago Jeff did fly to visit his brother in Colorado. How we managed it was that his brother and I would each get "escort passes" that allowed us through security so that we could see him to the gate, and meet him at the gate at the other end. Good thing. Last time he got off in Baltimore he left his duffel on the plane and an attendant had to go back to get it.
That was 2 years ago. Now there would be absolutely no way. He can't follow what's happening at all. He forgets where we are, why we're there, and he can't walk around a row of chairs without getting stuck in a corner.
Still, I think that even 2 years ago was pushing it. As my mom pointed out, what if there were an unscheduled landing and passengers had to disembark? Would he know what to do? Can he use a cell phone and know who to call? Would he understand how to get to a hotel and check himself in if necessary? Those are some mighty complicated processes for a confused mind.
And, as Marilyn pointed out, security can be a bear. We recently flew home from Spokane. I was grateful that the airport was small and uncrowded, allowing the TSA people to be in nice moods. That doesn't happen in a fast-paced hub airport. Still, with all the shoe removing, and putting things in bins, then having to remember to put everything back where it belongs, it's hard enough for someone with a full set of neurons not to goof it up.
I agree...there are so many variables when flying that it is difficult at times for a person without AD to fly. Have you thought about seeing if anyone he knows (maybe who he worked with) is flying to the same place? Check around and maybe you could get someone to sit with him and keep an eye on him. I've seen ads in the paper for companions to fly but I'm not sure I would trust that route.
not to mention if he has an outburst while on the plane or was verbally abusive to one of the crew. they could be arrested at landing and umpteen expenses with attorneys to get them out of the mess. they dont mess with unruly passengers at this point at any point in flying. i would not risk it alone at any time. divvi
I had the same problem (question) with my dh's son last year. There was no way I would allow him to go on a plane by himself. His son was very upset and I suggrested that he fly here to see his Dad and we would pay for his flight. But, no he didn't want to do that.
That is when I found out there were other reasons he wanted his Dad back to Illinois...won't go into details but it was regarding my power of attorney and other financial matters.I
I would not risk it. My DH gets very confused and somehow always sets of an alarm in an airport. I have recently decided no more flying. As his condition declines, he looses his filters and complains loudly. Also, there are bathroom issues. Sometimes the flight attendants will not let him leave his seat if the seat belt sign is on. He is so much better at home in his recliner.
Terry! Please listen to yourself...go back an read again your post. Your DH should not be driving anywhere alone..My dh thinks he can drive himself...it is a developing argument these days now...he may be able to operate the car ( but what happens when they forget R or D or P) but by the time he gets to the stop sign does he know where he was going to go or how to get there? NO...
You have said much in your reply that tells me no matter what he thinks, remember the reasoning button is broken, he must not travel alone...not at all..someone has to go along..if he can't hear well and gets upset and angry on a plane then the TSA and FBI and lord knows who else will be involved..you don't need this headache..Your son knows not what he is asking in the way he is asking...he needs to escort or you do or a friend...but not alone..
Another thing that has not been addressed: what will your son be doing while his dad is there? Will he be working all day or is he taking vacation time? If he is working I would be concerned with hb wandering off during the day time in an unknown, strange area. This needs to be considered also - once he gets there how will he function in a new environment?
Very important point, Charlotte. Yes if he is able to go for long walks he could set off and end up who knows where... No one is against his visiting his son. It could be good for both of them, especially your son who maybe has not seen his dad in a bit and his new views of how dad is doing could be quite valuable..but the travelling alone is not a good idea.
Mimi, DH has not driven in a year, but he thinks he can drive but says he doesn't because of liability issues which was the way I got him to stop without a fuss.
I know everyone....guess I just needed some confirmation. thank you all! this is DH's son in CA from his first marriage. DH did fly out there a year ago last March and his wife is a stay at home mom with two kids so he wasn't alone when his son was at work. he also came out here to visit us last summer. He has been very understanding that only I would really know whether he was capable and I told him he had declined quite a bit and I needed to gather more info and think about it. He will be fine with the decision. I'm grateful we have such a good relationship. He told me the other night on the phone he wished we lived next door so they could share more in looking after him. I can't even imagine that kind of extended family help and wish the Bay Area, where I lived for 22 years, wasn't prohibitively expensive!!!!
terry, Don't know where you live now but if your DH is OK to travel in November I will be heading to the Bay area to visit our son and DIL and their new baby. Would be happy to take him along. I am leaving my DH here with another son so that I can go out there. Just a thought. I usually fly out of Pittsburgh or Cleveland.
Phil4:13, how kind of you. Thank you. We live in Eureka Springs, a small tourist town in Northwest Arkansas, but are hoping to move to Richmond, VA, before Sept 1.
Thanks again to everyone for their input. It is so confusing during those times which are less and less frequent in which he seems so normal and capable. Then I think of course he can travel alone and I can certainly understand how other family members or friends who mostly see or hear from him when he can nearly "pass.".
Terrry, What a nice son he is...glad to know he is understanding and wishes he could do more to help...Also glad your hubby does not give you a difficult time about driving..mine is starting to state he can drive though he has not been behind the wheel in a couple of years now...things just go in circles with the Alz victims.
I do believe in taking risks for the sake of quality of life, and if my husband really wanted to go I might take this one. But are there alternative solutions? Is there young person, either family or friend, who might accompany him? If you could find someone to go with him, is one of the grandchildren old enough to come back with him for a visit?
Southwest is the only airline I have found that has a "customers with cognitive disabilities" policy. http://www.southwest.com/html/customer-service/unique-travel-needs/allergies-disabilities-pol.html I always get an escort pass, put him in an escorted wheelchair which gets us first priority thru security and then wait with him until he boards the plane. The disabled passenger will get priority boarding and the attendant will get him seated on the plane. They will then help him off the plane at their destination. I just have whoever is picking him up get an escort pass and be sure and be at the gate when he gets off.
Each person is different but I wouldn't let them fly alone. I took my husband with me to his nieces wedding about stage 5 and realized I left my coat in the lobby. I had to deplane and get back on and I ended up being the last person to get on the plane. My husband was panic stricken by the time I got to my seat. I didn't realize he wold react that way but he looked absolutely terrified. At that time he would never of told me.