It's been a long haul, but I am finally better from my bronchitis bout. I have been checking the message boards and notice that many of our new caregivers are confused and angry about some symptoms their spouses are exhibiting - symptoms aside from memory loss. These are symptoms that threw me for an emotiona loop. With that in mind, I have written an informative blog that I hope will help everyone - newbies and veterans. I invite you to log onto the home page and read the blog. Please post comments and your own experiences with these symptoms here.
I noticed about 5 yrs. ago my dh was getting unreasonable about a lot of things. The kids complained that Dad was acting "out of character." Where he used to be so gentle in his behavior towards the little grandchildren, he was becoming overbearing and expected them to mind him without a peep. He was never like that with his own children. He said things to me that were very offensive and in all our 50 years of married life I never heard criticism such as was being thrown at me. I never suspected AD was the culprit. Now he is much more docile and without meds so I guess he just has passed out of that stage. Who knows what will come next but at least I know his brain is being destroyed little by little each day. Things will never be the same again. It is a given.
Oh my goodness....the memories come flooding back to the time before I discovered this site in 2007. I have only read your first section as it's too late at night for me to handle any more right now. Will comment on others later.
You mention you would have sought marriage counseling if not for the memory loss. I did get us into marriage counseling as I did not personally notice memory loss although DH told the dr in his 1st neuropsych interview he had been experiencing it at work. Counseling sessions didn't last because I put DH in charge of making next appointment as he had shown no "initiative" (big warning sign we now know) and of course he never did so I was really contemplating my options until the counselor who I saw independently said my issues with him sounded neurological to her.
Gosh those were days of hell. These are too but of a different variety. I guess if we survive the early days it means we are strong enough to get to the next stage and so on and so on. There have been so many times I hought I had no strength left to go on and yet I do, we do. Still it seems there must be a limit. I do know I am so much "less" than I was. I am not yet 60 but I feel in my 80s.
Acting "out of character" or "not the person we knew him as": how our adult children describe my DH. But he doesn't even realize he's said or done something odd and if I try to share it with him (later) he often has an explanation for why he said or did whatever he said or did . . . repeats the explanation over and over and cannot grasp that his behavior is alienating him from family members. So I usually keep quiet but every now and again I attempt to say something hoping he will admit things need to get checked out.
A few days ago we were asked out for a meal with three other people. The plan was for us to travel to restaurant with one of the people via taxi. So we arrived at person's home and hubby was so restless he said he'd wait outside and watch for the taxi. He paced back and forth, back and forth until taxi arrived (15 minutes later). He sat up front with cab driver and I sat in back with other person (it was a van taxi cab). Driver thought he'd drop us off at a nearby hotel over a block away from restaurant (drop off wasn't great by restaurant although there was a good spot across street from restaurant). I spoke up and said no to taxi driver(as other person was elderly and it was too far for person to walk). Hubby told cab driver the hotel stop would be fine . . . so cab driver followed DH's direction. I had to get quite insistent to get through to cab driver that we needed dropping off across from restaurant because hubby kept telling him the hotel drop off was fine. Note to self: I need to either give cab drivers specific directions first and/or sit in front seat myself rather than having DH sit there. To cab driver, hubby appeared fine. To me it was one more example of rational reasoning not working . . .
Another recent incident: a good friend of mine recently had some minor surgery. Mentioned it to hubby but he didn't remember it. A few days later I updated him about friend's recovery progress. Yesterday friend emailed me again with an update. Hubby read email and said to me: "What kind of surgery did she have?" I told him and he said "I thought that was it but I didn't know for sure". He's said that a lot to cover up the memory challenges he's facing. A little thing but just another confirmation that something is wrong . . . Another common phrase is "I didn't know . . . no one told me".
Recently I came across 2 letters I wrote in early Feb. 2005 to the Psychiatrist treating DH for Schizo-Affective Disorder(Mental Illness). In rereading them I was shocked to discover that every word of both outlined dementia behavior. The Fall previous he had told the Dr. he was having memory problems. He had said nothing to me about that. The Dr. had given him a 3 month starter pack of Aricept with the directions to try it. He was told, "If it works you have Alzheimers, if not you don't." It didn't help. Turns out the Dr. was partly right.
Due to side effects from extended exposure to one of his psych meds DH was treated in the hospital for a few days in Early Spring 2005, and then again in August 2006. That was when he was DXd. After the testing I was sent a copy of his test results and one of the administering Drs.called me to explain them. He started by asking me for DH's "Stroke History". Totally floored, I responded, "What Stroke History?" That was my introduction to his DX of Vascular Dementia. Besides taking on all new Caregiving tasks, I started researching. I was out of my element in so many ways. Mental Illness and Dementia are not the same to deal with. I had 18 years of Caregiviing his Mental Illness. I knew zip about Vascular Dementia. It wasn't until late Spring, I think, that I found my first support group on the internet and May-June of 2008 before I joined Alz Spouse. How much stress and time I could have saved, had I been told of this site.
I think your DH and mine are dementia twins :) Your decription matches my DH to a tee. I've even adopted an acronym - PLE - it stands for Perfectly Logical Explanation. My husband is big into PLEs. I guess he feels compelled to offer them so I won’t “overreact to every little thing he does.”
In addition to the "I thought that was it, but I didn't know for sure" and "I didn't know, no one told me" - he often barks out an affirmative response before I even finish my sentence - "yes" or "right"
I've decided it's God's way of making sure my eyes are well exercised, as I spend my days rolling my eyes in response to his PLEs :)
One of his recent PLEs came after being unable to order tickets online:
DH: Can you order tickets for my brother?
Me: No. Just forward the email I sent you and let them order their own tickets.
DH: They can’t order things online.
Me: Don’t be silly. He orders all our Christmas gifts online. He is perfectly capable of ordering things online.
DH: Why can’t you just order them?
Me: Your brother cost us $50 a few weeks ago because he couldn’t be bothered with checking dates for your flight to meet him in Florida. I’m not going to end up eating the cost of these theatre tickets when he changes his mind about coming.
DH: He already checked. He can come on that date.
Me: Right And that’s what he told you about the plane ticket. But that cost us $50. I am NOT ordering his tickets. Why are you stressing over this; just send him the email.
(Next morning) DH: I’m ordering tickets for my brother. Are they all General Admission?
Me: Yes.
Five minutes later, I am in the bathroom and DH yells through the door: Is there assigned seating for this play, because it’s telling me it’s giving me the best seats available.
Me: Right. It says “Best Seats Available” and right after that it says “General Admission.” The best seats available are General Admission, because those are the only seats available. They are all General Admission seats.
DH: Oh
Five minutes later, I am now in the shower and DH yells through the door - panicked: I bought tickets for the wrong date! Is there a number I can call?
Me, yelling over the shower: Yes. I am sure there is a number on the same website that you used to order the tickets. Just call and explain you made a mistake. (And he was worried about his brother not being able to order tickets!)
Later I got his PLE: He kept telling himself “8 O’clock, 8 O’clock, 8 O’clock” so that made him order the tickets for the 8th instead of the 2nd. Perfectly Logical Explanation :)
I haven't been here in soooo long, not sure why, denial???? Maybe! But coming back and reading the various comments has really made me aware and more understanding. My DH was diagnosed in 07, and before the diagnosis was a bit...overbearing to say the least. My hope was that maybe the disease would change him into a cooperative person????? HA HA! But I have to say that in the last year, with meds life has been sort of "normal". He has been fixing things, worked outside alot, and kept busy. I have had many frustrating moments, with the personality thing, because he can just be down right MEAN!!! And insist on his way???? We just got paperwork for his annual checkup at the Alzheimer's clinic, and he was reading over the questionnaire, sent to me to fill out....very interesting he says. It asked if the patient was stubborn and insisted on his own way. His reply: "Oh, well I'm not stubborn, and I don't insist on my way". I couldn't help it...I looked at him and said WHAT???? You won't let me tell you anything, question you about anything, or even suggest your wrong about ANYTHING!!!! He said well I've always been that way, and I said yeah, and that is really going to make caring for you down the road difficult....because you don't trust my judgement or decisions! He said, well, I'd like to apologize in advance for any problems I might cause for you in the future! I only smiled and kept my mouth shut! We were having coffee the other day and a lady with two small girls came in. DH was so insistent on those little girls coming over and talking to him....Mom was very uncomfortable! He wouldn't stop, very loud, very annoying, and wanted to clean one of the little girls mouths off after she ate....I sooooo wished I had followed the advice of carrying cards with me explaining the situation, cause it was really hard for that poor MOM! Oh well, thanks so much for all the info, can't believe how much it all helps!
we are expecting company tonight, my father. DH likes to pick up the house and vacume before company arrives. He told me this morning that he would stack everything, catalogs, newspapers, etc. on the table and I could go through it at noon. So I go through it at noon and he gets quite angry telling me that I never do anything with him. He had apparently wanted to go through the stacks together. Well, before I started going through the items, I told him 3 times that I was going to start going through them. He watched me do it. The last stack were newspapers and I asked him if the stack of papers was for me to go through and was he done with them. This is when he got angry. He told me that he had the piles separated because there was stuff that he wanted to keep. I took all back out of the garbage and told him that after our company leaves this evening that he can show me what he wants to keep. It kept going around in circles until I had to come back to work.
Just before this happened, he had asked me about the house payment which we pay every two weeks. He couldn't understand why it was more than the principle and interest amount were. I told him that the difference was the escrow amount. He just could not wrap his mind around this. He then told me that his head is all bottled up today and that I am probably right and he appologized. Then...the other started. No appology the second time.