You were right to warn me to beware of the step-kids after DH's death. They've sent me a list of demands via the Trustee Officer who is Dh's executor of his will. I have answered her letter and said no to everything. (Gee, and I'd just about cleared up the tick in my eyelids; I don't need anymore stress.) If I hear anything more about this, I plan to ignore it. Since the adult kids were very generously treated by their father in the will, they have no grounds to ask for more.
I am in the midst of redoing my and our trust ( I have a separate property trust). One of the things my ecl suggested was to " buy out" the step kids if something happens to DH. The kids are in their 50s and are not far behind me..I am just old enough to be an older sibling. It would mean I would have to take the value of the house and out of my funds "buy their dad's half" out or pay them what it would be worth. I don't know about personal effects such as uniforms etc...hells bells I have been with them years longer and taken care of all these things for him than they ever did... So far as I can tell now, the kids would not behave like that but who knows for sure so I have a decision to make soon about this. I wonder if anyone else in our group has faced this decision and what you think or how did it work out? Just at present I tend to shy away from this method but I don't know.
Maybe if I give them some thing now ( pictures as I go through them for example) and a few other things down the road while DH is doing fairly well it could go a ways to avoid this.
One question I asked the para legal to put to the attorney regarding our trusts and that is in the event something happened to both of us ( say an accident on the way to a doctor and it was fatal....grim thought) I would want the locks to the house changed then and there and NO ONE goes in without an escort. I have one nephew on my husband's side I trust not one bit....he has a real entitlement attitude that I can't abide...he is the type who thinks all things come to him.....and I won't give him anything...he is selfish beyond imagination. And things that are intended for our girls from the grandparents he would think is his right to claim...
Mimi: When my dh and I had our trusts done and we both have children from previous marriages, he made our 4 trusts as care trust for my dh. In the event I die first no distribtions to children can be made from these trusts until we both are dead. Then...the wills take over.
If I die first, all property will be sold and placed in a trust for the care of my dh...According to our attorney (elder attorney) this type of trust holds up in court very well if contested because it is for the ill person's welfare. If my dh dies first (Calif. being a community property state) all real property will be mine and other assets will be distributed according to his will. If we die together in an accident, then the wills take over.
I have property that is not part of community property and if I die first that is also held in a trust for my dh's care but, it is the last money to be used. With the pensions my dh has and his health care can be provided free by the VA it is very unlikely that any of my personal property would have to be used for his care.
I am very pleased with the way our attorney set this up. I hope this information might help you and others that are considering going o an Elder Attorney.
I am so sorry Mary..but I so understand, and I did give everyone a heads up....after I spent thousands and thousands of dollars on attorney fees disputing the claims by my DH's children (they insisted he had a million dollar trust fund in an offshore account and I was denying them access to it.!!!) plus other claims.. which were totally absurd, ..I just want to warn EVERYONE that this can and DID happen to me..(and now Mary) and the expense of defending their claims will cost YOU!! I wish he had said (in his will) that if anyone contested his will, they would have to pay all legal costs (both sides). Why couldn't that be added to all wills??
Luckily, all the things that the step kids and ex-wife want are covered in DH's husband's will as going to me. For example, they are claiming a Douton china figurine (I remember it as being clearly stamped on the bottom, "Made in occupied Japan)." Other nonsense like that, of nuisance value only. It they want to take me to court they can. I've got the documentation, and I'd go after them to pay the court costs, too.
Life is so strange. I don't have any children so I won't be having any family to talk to. I suppose I also don't face any of these issues either.
Mental note to self - don't get involved with anyone that has children afterwards. Nothing like facing the repressed hostilities of people who don't want you in their mother's life. I've read really bad novels with better plots than that.
I don't mean to sound cold. My mother once talked to me about this. Dad died years before she did and she was still a vibrant lady. I said, "Mom, it's none of our business. We're not going out with the guy - you are." It's kind of weird but if mom loved somebody, I wouldn't be looking at him as Dad version 2. I would be looking at him as mom's boyfriend. And if they had married which they didn't, I would have asked them over for dinner. Why would I load that up with freudian resentments when I don't even know the guy? I'm supposed to be an adult - not a child for a long time. My sister came at this loaded for bear minute one though. She had a lot of unresolved issues with dad - both were double A types. I think it backed mom off from looking for a bit of happiness and company.
People are so juvenile and only a percentage of them ever really grow up. I agree that strong and clear legal paper helps resolve a lot of potential antics. It's too bad they happen.