Deb, I can tell you that you are not alone in these thoughts. I, too, am unsure how bad a person this makes me, so cant see the forest for the trees on that one. I am younger than my spouse, too. At the NH, everyone at first asked.."oh is this your dad?" Now tha=ey all know, but still. I signed up for a free online dating site, just to see what was out there. Realized every single one of those men disgusted me, all I really want is what my DH and I used to have. Scratch that idea for now. Deb..two things have helped me.. One is therapy with a really good therapist. If I have to go through this kicking and screaming, I want to come out the other side a whole healthy individual. Years of depression have really kicked me in the ass. The other is I figure I am now re-virginized. ;)
You are not the only one who feels this way, although many would be reluctant to admit it. My Dh is 14 years older than me but by the time all this is over I will be too old, and to decrepit to enjoy the rest of my life!
Did you read my blog titled "Conflicted"? It is still on the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com. It is dated April 11/12. Please read it and you will realize you are not alone in your feelings.
I understand and agree about the lack of intamacy. Heck, I'd just like someone to have an adult converstaion with, spend a little time with, tell stories, etc.. Yes I am lucky that I do have children, but they have there own lives and it's not the same.
Ok now that I've said that I do feel better, but what can I do different?
One of the things my dh will say is " I convinced her the best tunes are played on older fiddles". For years he was right! the other day he said, " remember when I said the best tunes are played on older fiddles?" I said yes and he said " well I fooled you!"
Actually he did not try to fool me, he did just the opposite. Even my mom mentioned something about him being 18 years older than I am..but you know the old saying "LOVE IS BLIND!" In my my dh is the best thing that ever happened to me..he has taught me a lot, encouraged me to do things I might not have had the courage to do, and he is and always has been a gentleman and even in this disease ( If I can say I am lucky) he is the same...he does not lose his temper, and he is still always trying to go out of his way for someone else...
But I know what you mean about the normal life..it is not normal when when the things he used to be in charge of now is up to me along with everything else, the way others sort of drift away and don't call or come round as often, all the doctors appointments..etc and never feeling that with all the work I have time for anything I want to do and I do get upset not at him but at the circumstances. That part is normal..but I don't wish him gone..I wish he was healthy again.
Triple "Amens", deb42657 you are not alone in your thoughts. Only problem re; dating is that from my observation men usually go for the younger women and at my age I just don't think I could ever wear a thong!
nellie, you made me laugh! Thanks I needed that! But I think you are right about the men wanting younger women. So I guess my age range of interest should be...? The only problem with that is don't want anyone with dementia again, at least not on purpose. There has got to be some men out there that want older women. I am not looking yet mind you but come on...we have a lot to offer!!!! I have never even worn a thong. haha! Bama, I thought cold showers only worked for men! Without Intimacy For Ever is too depressing to even think about but very true. As long as I am his wife that is the case.
Got to laugh deb42657 to keep from crying. No not looking either up to my neck changing DH depends. I have thought and wondered about the future. No need for cold showers at this time in my life too tired. Just hope good smelling, tall good looking fellow doesn't pass me in the isle of grocery store - I might be tempted to attack! Amazing how the frangrance of good smelling mens cologne can stir an old lady. That's an idea: think I will go shopping for bottle good smellin colonge and cheap wine!
It’s funny (not the ha ha funny!) but even before AZ I decided that if he goes before me I wouldn’t get into another relationship. We have (had) a good marriage, but I have NEVER lived alone. I went from my parent’s house to my husband’s. I an the kind of person who can be alone (although for the past 40 plus years I’ve had up to 5 other people in my house – 4 kids & DH). And now after this I wouldn’t want to take the chance of having to be a caregiver again. It’s just how I feel.
Elaine, I feel the same way. I was married for over 40 years to a wonderful man.....went from my parent's home to one of our own and then had two kids. I am living alone now and I just love it. I am not lonely, I have all kinds of things I can do or not do....the choice is mine. I tell everyone I am happily single......!!!
Marriage again? Been divorced, widowed already one time and now DH late stage AD, pd and diabetes, don't think so, enough already. I have children (grown) and granchildren that I haven't got to go on trips with or even visit as much as I wished. Anyway haven't crossed that bridge yet. Just trying to take care and comfort DH thru this journey.
So men get relegated to cold showers and the women get to look for handsome men who smell good. Well no one said life was fair. Got to go the shower is running. LOL :)
As I understand it....the formula for a woman to find a man is to divide your age by 2 and then add 7! Those 34 year olds are just knocking down my door! ;)
Deb - sex has not been a part of our marriage for ???? started back 15 years or longer. Actually he started having ED problems around 40 until by 50 he couldn't keep an erection at all. I nagged him until he went to the doctor once and got viagra which did nothing. He refused to go back. Instead I took the blame for his problem and now I am angry at him for letting me. It has been so long I don't even know if I remember how to be intimate!
There are nights I lay in bed wondering what it would be like - intimacy? But then I remember all the weight I have put on since his diagnosis and know that will never happen.
What's this cold shower business? Haven't you all heard of vibrators, er ..... I mean personal massagers? I'm 59 and it has been years since we have had sex and I have no desire for the my DH whatsoever but I do still love him but I feel more like his mother than his wife. I get my Bichon in bed for cuddling and that is all the intimacy in my life.
Ann said: "As I understand it....the formula for a woman to find a man is to divide your age by 2 and then add 7! Those 34 year olds are just knocking down my door! ;)"
I shouldn't admit this but it's such a comfort to feel those things again and to be honest it takes some of my stress away. This person is so nice and has always been so close at hand, I overlooked them until the naughty suggestions just wore me down and I said 'YES!". Or someone was yelling that. I think it was me.
The differences in how people view the world is so stark. I remember when I was an adolescent and my grandmother warned me "God is always watching" meaning I should always be on my best behavior. And I listened because right away I was thankful for the wonderful design work done and showed that I was very appreciative that it was thought an outrageous number of nerve endings belonged right THERE.
Those differences aren't just in our philosophies (what we don't question is right or wrong ie: we already know); they are also in our imagination and thought. The unexamined action is not a belief or a philosophy. It is a behavior.
The facts are that by design or evolution it's a need, it's right there, it feels good, and it relieves stress. More importantly ethically all parties are freely willing so it's consenting adults that are involved.
The functional challenge when we are inclined is the self authorization and the imagination. In that a steamy novel, some chardonnay, and an electric toothbrush can be a rewarding experience. Or so I have heard.
Wolf, how I enjoyed hearing what you had to say...Having someone to converse with, intelligently and to feel a hand in mine, being romanced... We never forget how that feels no matter our age and tho the moral fiber in which we were raised, says NO, the situation and circumstances depict a need that feels RIGHT to persue.. It gives a sense of self worth and a desire to get up and face another day..and be best at what life has forced us to do...
I miss my closeness with my DH too.We were married when I was 16 and he was 18 so we have spent most of our lives together,grew up as we raised 2 daughters.Now I am raising another child(him). As for ever wanting to start over with someone new NO WAY .After 45 years with him I am too old and tired to train a new one. But I sure understand how we all miss the LOVE that we are missing!
Congratulations Woolf. I'm glad for you. I feel certain if the situation arose for me I wouldn't feel guilty. However, I truly can not imagine feeling desire again. I think that's one of the worst things for me - maybe it's the depression - lack of desire for much of anything a good part of the time. I would love to love life and feel all those things again and would never judge anyone for things of the heart and don't think I would pass it up.
I thought I was being clever and all I've done is misrepresent myself.
The only person who has 'always been close at hand' is me. There is no one else and I apologize for misleading people into thinking there was. It was never my intention.
What was my intention was to say that since we can't have sex because of our situation and because most of us won't have an affair or something - I agree with Woody Allen that masturbation is sex with someone you like.
This actually is a sensitive issue which was supposed to be another joke because 'it' gets sensitive. So I didn't come right out and say that and ended up giving the impression I'm boinking somebody else.
I'm not. I'm boinking me. It's actually not that bad. Too much information. Sorry about being too obscure.
On the other hand what a wonderful group of accepting people. I also agree that lonely people finding a little warmth is not to be judged harshly.
I'm sorry that my having way too much fun in writing caused me to mislead. The truth is I meant to encourage anyone who was reluctant but at all interested to try it. The grandmother story was true. She saw me touching myself (fully dressed) and scolded me that God is watching. She never understood my response wasn't to cower in fear; but, to be thankful for the design decisions and all those nerve endings. The intention is clear whatever our beliefs - we are meant to enjoy this. And I do. Pas de un.
You are the only other person I know that uses the term "boinking". I love you Wolf, in a sisterly sort of way! I re-read your posting and there it was..clear as day..exactly what you really meant. Electric toothbrush, and all.
Wolf, I have to admit the toothbrush threw me but got the gist of your thoughts.. Whatever rocks your boat....frustration comes in various forms and if innovation solves the need.. go for it.. no pun intended..
Wolf...buy a cellphone, set it on vibrate, remove your number from the national do not call list, and then stick it in your shorts.... Soon, you will smile when telemarketers call you....it even will work for text messages, so if you reply to all the spam you get, you will soon be smiling most of the day./. Sorry, but most telemarketers will not call after 9pm...but you can text yourself from your computer...just make sure you get unlimited minutes and free texting..
I bought the unlimited minute, unlimited texting, and unlimited direct connect from Sprint for $99/mo, then bought 2 phones with the same number.....and I put them in each pocket.... When the phone rings, I do smile!!!!..and I can use one phone to call the other one, and both will vibrate....
Ok. So. That's out there. Super. I want everyone to look at my watch swinging back and forth back and forth. You're getting sleepy. Sleepy. This never happened. When you wake up you will have no memory of anyone talking about going Hans Solo on Darth Vader's helmet or any other equally juvenile euphemism or any other 'ism' either.
I see quite well thank you very much and don't need my glasses to see the forest for the tree trunks or any other equally enormous objects.
Now that hundreds of people know maybe I'll put it on my resume. Tackles problems before they get out of hand. Works well with other's - or alone. No challenge is too large to get his arms around. Handles pressure well. Good at deflating tension. Takes charge. Well connected to members. Extensive knowledge of local wildlife. Sees the big picture. Willing to work overtime.
You have to wonder how deb's frustration morphed into phranque's vibrating pants. Just a second. Let me rephrase that. It was terry's vibrator and aalferio's cold showers that made me comment that I'm saving a fortune on Viagra because when I'm in the mood - I'm already in the mood.
Wolf it took your post to get Phranque back talking here - good job. God is watching and going blind - have not heard that for way too many years. I must say your apology and resulting post got me laughing - thank you.
Well, all I can say is that when I started this thread I did feel horrible. Now, not so much!!! lol I am glad that Phranque is back too, I was getting ready to call the internet police to find out where he was.
I do have one daughter 1 1/2 hours away. I also live happily in a 55+ community. I have friends and temple here and would not consider moving. Children should feel free to move where their careers take them. Next month will make a year that I am widowed. I am happily alone-but never saying that couldn't change.