When I remarried my hb last March it wasn't becasue I loved him but rather to have him insured through my work insurance. I later had to resign in order to have him at home instead of a facility because I felt so guilty seeing how miserable and unhealthy he was. I did this for my sons to have their father home. I have no feelings for this man. I get so upset with myself for giving up so much. I have to put me aside in order to make him happy. I'm tired of doing this. He is very active still and get easily bored. I take him places I don't want to go to. Sometimes I just want to stay home. He write on his tablet saying he wants to find an apartment for himself and does not want his guardian to send me monthly checks for expenses in my name. He resents he has to pay his share of expenses from his social security. He has always been very selfish and now I resent having to spend my money on him. If I watch some tv once in a while he lies on his bed with his back facing me indicating he hates me watching tv or he'll play any video on his computer with the volume full blast just to annoy me. I am so sick and tired of this I don't know how much more I can take. I just want my life back. Everything is so just out of control and my freedom taken away. I just want to be left alone. I hate this alzheimers. I don't want to be married anymore.
lee, I am sorry your life is like this now. I think you must be in one of the most horrendous situations of caring for someone you no longer love and all you have given up for your sons sake. I hope they appreciate your efforts. Not sure I could do the same. I have only hugs to offer you (((HUGS)))). You will receive lots of good advice and support here at Joan's.
if i felt like you at this point, i dont think i would feel badly considering divorce at this point. caregiving for someone you love is sooo difficult i cant imagine trying to do this with someone you barely tolerate. even if kids are involved we have seen time over we must make decisions on whats best for us as well as the ill partner. if he has a guardian i surely would consider letting this guardian take over and think about getting out of a a very difficult situation before it gets worse and you wont be able to. your first decision to try to help out and make things work was valiant but now you see the reality it may need some fast rethinking. good luck. divvi
It is always our right to be human beings. Alzheimer's is not a reason to stay in a marriage that isn't working for unrelated reasons or for any reasons. No one can take our right away to live our lives the way we think best.
Hopefully we neither enter into or exit from a marriage without considerable thought. But even if we do nothing can take away our rights as a person.
Society as an anonymous mob always has it's opinions whether it's what a prince should wear to a wedding or what people should do about a disease they want to otherwise know as little as possible about.
Our best shot at doing the right thing for ourselves which is as often as not a choice between two unwanted alternatives - is to be as honest as possible with ourselves to understand which choice is better or less worse for us.
Sometimes speaking out helps us to understand how we feel. I would always urge people that are reluctant to express their feelings or worries or joys to say them here. It's a revealing experience and that's helpful to us because when we see the words we have new thoughts about how true or accurate they are and that takes us further in our journeys.
Also, there's nothing like a really good vent. At least there isn't when we're in touch with the idea that we are human beings too and not only count equally; but, have every right to struggle for what we can get in life just like everybody else.
Lee012, I am a fan of doing Pro and Con lists. May be you have already done this. List all the pros that you will see by following a certain path, and then list all the cons you will see by following this same path. You can make a heading on the list of "staying in the marrage" or make the heading "leaving the marrage." Usually, when a person does this, the solution is very obvious.
There is a lot of research and information on this now, although most of the spouses remain divorced. These are just two of many articles on the subject:
Lee, I remember reading your story.... at the time I thought you must be an Angel on earth!! I know in my heart, I could NOT do this without the immense love I have for Lynn. It is difficult at best when you have the love and devotion!! To try without that strong love to see you through…. I just don’t know how anyone can do it!
There is nothing wrong with you wanting your life back!! And even if you decided you have had enough… which you have EVERY right to do….you are STILL an Angel in my book!!
I tend to agree with Divvi, if he already has a guardian, why not let them step up and take over at least some of the responsibility? Maybe if you can lighten your load, you wont feel so trapped. Best of luck in whatever you decide ♥
Is there any way to create separate space for him in your living situation? My husband not only has a separate bedroom but his own floor of the house, with a microwave and refrigerator so he can make his own breakfast and lunch. It has helped my frustration a lot, and I think he likes being able to watch whatever he wants on TV and the like.
That reminds me of my MIL and her husband. I thought it was so odd when first married my husband but I later realized my FIL was in early dementia and this was her way of coping. She would fix his dinner but he would eat in his Study,he would fix breakfast, deliver it to her, then go back to his study..
I am for the pro and con list..How old are the sons again? If they are at home this stressful situation cannot be good for them either. If they are adults then it is time for them to step up to the plate. You are trying to do a yeoman's job alone with no appreciation from this man...there is a reason you divorced the first time and you have such a good heart you took him back to get him on YOUR insurance to help HIM and he is not able to show any gratitude and is probably angry at having to depend upon you. For your own health both physically and emotionally, I would contact your lawyer with your list of pros and cons and see what can be done so you have protection and don't lose everything in the bargain.
Lee - your husband is 65 and eligible for medicare. There is no need for you to be married to him just for medical so there goes the number one reason you gave for remarrying him. As for the boys - they are 15 if I remember -almost adults. I know what it is like to be in a loveless marriage - it is torture. I would consult an attorney about how a divorce will work with your husband's condition. But, get him on medicare and stop worrying about his needing your medical insurance.
It is difficult to care for someone that literally hates me but he has no one else. his children care nothing for him because of his lifetime treatment of them.. I could say the only reason for staying in this marriage is because I have a conscious and know no one else cares about him. His controlling personality and arrogance has chased away any friends or siblings....Its a helpless empty existance. Suggesting divorce got nowhere.. so I can equate this with that of a battered wife.. No Money and no where to go... Trapped.
Lee, if you remarried for no other reason than to have him on your insurance, then considering what you have just posted, I hope you choose to SAVE YOURSELF and soon. This will only get worse. If you have a chance for a life take it. As the others have said I can't imagine doing this under those circumstances and sometimes wonder if I can keep it up as it is.