I don't know if this makes sense or not but I seem to be going on with my day and all of a Sudden I think of my husband who is in a nursing facility now. I think I have everything under control and then I think of being alone and my future. I get a sinking feeling and I wonder why at times I think this and other times I don't. This is a very big concern, being alone. It almost feels like when I think of being alone for the rest of my life it is a numbing feeling. I go to support groups and they just don't help. I don't want to continue feeling this way. Then I feel guilty that I'm thinking of me, and what my poor husband is going through is so much worse. I do understand that for the most part he does not know what's happening ( or does he, really know one knows for sure) but the guilt still hits me hard. my guilt is me worrying about myself rather than what he is going through.
Paula, I think what you are experiencing is normal. I have gone through the same "self pity" and worry. I did not get to the point of having to place my dh, but I think all of us worry about being alone and the future. We are all human and we all have the "survival instinct". The thing is, in my estimation, we need to fight the "guilt urge". We did not cause our spouses disease and there is no way we could have prevented it. I understand "being alone". Being alone is not fun. I do enjoy my life now but it is still lonely without a partner to share day to day things with. DO NOT let yourself feel guilty about your life-vs his life. The best thing you can do for him is to take one step in front of the other and come through this, without getting yourself down in the process. He is in a safe place. Take care...
Paula-welcome to our forum. Around here guilt is a four letter word that should not be used. Neither you or your husband caused the disease. You alone are experiencing your emotions-and they are valid. You can't control how you feel-but you can control how you react to them. We are here to help you along. When you see the * after a name you know our struggle is over.
Paula, I personally don't think there is anything wrong with thinking about yourself but I do understand the feeling of guilt because that is not what we were trained for. Women are usually thinking of someone else before they even consider themselves to the point that we don't even know that we are doing it, it comes so natural. I think it is alright to think of yourself because no one else is going to do it(except for us of course! haha)