Joan
I read your blog about your anger and found a very close relationship with it. DW has been sick and down in bed for the last two weeks. some kind of virus. She was too sick so I did not even try to take her to the PCP. The problem is now after this much time I have found myself becoming very agitated and angry. I know none of this is her fault but when your stressed and tired you tend to lash out at everyone and everything. Even before this recent illness she spends most of her days in bed sleeping and with the stage of AZ being where it is she is very dependent on my assistance for everything. While she can take care of her personal needs she depends on me for planning all meals snacks or even drinks. When she says she is hungry or thirsty she cannot decide what she wants to eat or drink without listening to what is available without hearing them several times and then I usually just get her something of my choice. As you can imagine frustration is always present. While inside she is not longer responsible for her words or actions being as how they come from her accepting that fact is hard. We have been married for over 50 years and this D*** disease is rightfully called the Devil's disease and with good reason cause it causes longtime married couples to have to change what is happening now and separating it from what they have lost and at a time when they want it most in their last years together.

I too have been angry lately and have been examining my reasons. The other night I was so angry at DH for not doing what I asked that I went to bed crying. I realized after some long soul searching that when I am tired I do not handle myself well. Usually about 9:30 in the evening I get out our nighttime pills and we both take them. I take both Trazadone and Celexia and within the next 1/2 hour I am tired and ready to sleep. But I realized that is when DH needs my help the most and is usually the most trying and I am too sleepy to deal with it so I lash out at him. Last night I held off taking my meds until he was showered and in bed and it seemed to work out better. Of course last night he was also more cooperative. I am sure that none of us get enough sleep to really recover each day and it adds up. No one is a saint (some come close) here and we just need to find another way to vent.

I am hardly one to be offering advice on this subject ....... Lord does this take me back, and not to a "good place" either!! When Lynn was so abusive, at times it was all I could do to not hit him back. I NEVER did, but by God I wanted to! I didn't handle any of this well. The repeated TIA's are proof enough of that. It was a tough time in our AD journey. I desperately sought help, but I was told over and over that this was just part of the disease and I had to put up with it. Gee thanks Doc!! Now I know better, but at the time... I did the best I could with what I had.

THAT is what each of us is doing, the best we can, in an impossible situation. We all need to cut ourselves some slack.

The ONLY thing that brought me any release, was throwing dishes. I was always on the hunt for cheap plates. Yard sales, flee markets etc. I would buy a bunch and have them on hand for a really bad day. When I thought I couldn't take even just one more second of this hell, and before I lashed out at Lynn..... I would grab a stack of plates, head out into the backyard woods... and scream for all I was worth about the injustice of it all.....as I threw plates as hard as I could up against the trees.

Sounds extreme I know. But it was cathartic for me. The sounds of the plates shattering, echoed the sounds of my heart breaking…….

Nikki, I would go out and pummel the large heavy duty plastic green waste can...it was something I could hit without breaking my hand..which I almost did during one whacking session!

I think you know WHY you are angry, Joan. You are emotionally wrung out after doing this for years. You are tired, you are lonesome, you are missing your old life, and on and on and on. Oh, yes, you have lots of valid reasons to be angry.

Probably, hopefully, he won't remember the outbursts for long, but you are correct in thinking you should try to stop them. Don't ask him questions. You make the choices of what to eat, or drink, etc. Then you don't have to wait for his response. Try to look back at what happened immediately before you became frustrated and see if what you said or did could have been done another way that would not have provoked you to the point of anger. Somebody here once said they played a game and tried to see how many different ways they could answer those annoying, repetitive questions. Maybe that would work for you.

I used to be angry at DH sometimes but eventually the pity and sympathy I felt for him caused it to all go away. I hope that happens for you too. And, maybe it's time to look at your meds to see if you need a change so you can be calmer in the face of the difficulties this horrible disease brings. Maybe you need to be taking better care of Joan.

My children had many food and environmental allergies. One of the interesting things about managing allergies is that you have to be aware of “loading.” A child might be able to eat a certain food one day and have no problems, but give the same child the same piece of food in the middle of peak tree blooming time, and they get a rash. It’s because the body can handle a certain amount of histamine stress, but when it reaches its limit you’re going to have a reaction.

I think all stress is the same in this.

So with AD stress it is also a matter of “loading.” When we start snapping/yelling/etc at our spouses we need to recognize that our stress load has reached too high a level. And we must make an adjustment by getting some respite, or better, by removing some responsibilities off our own plate. I know the latter often seems (and maybe is) impossible. But sometimes there are things we could be doing to lessen the load, but just don’t because we are in a caregiver rut.
Joan, I often worry about you caring for both your husband and father. I don’t know how you do it. Could you find a way to schedule more time away from your house so you can get a break? Ask friends to stay with DH? Would your local Alzheimer’s association be able to help? Would it be possible for your father to be placed near your sister? You are amazing, but no one is superman or woman. We all have a “loading” limit. And I have learned that from this wonderful site that you have put together :)

Oh Joan, I just spent most of last evening angry with my DH. I know that it isn't him that I am angry with, my anger is with this disease and what it is doing to my hopes of a "normal" future that I THOUGHT I was going to have. Yes, he does things that bother me but they don't bother me to the point of the way I react to it. Short of my being perfect I have no ideas on how to stop it. I can go several days without it happening and then THERE IT IS! My DH's personality is changing and I am not sure how my anger is going to effect it. He has always been passive aggressive so I keep looking for that to amplify. A friend of mine suggested that after I take care of him and what his immediate needs are could I just go into another room and close the door and be alone for a lenghty period of time. I said that I could try it but I don't think it would work because I need to keep an eye on him. I don't know what the answer is. I do know one thing, that no matter what we have to live through it we don't have much choice in the matter(at least I don't)

grendelsma,

I haven't seen your name before so I want to welcome you to the site. Your are so right that this site is a place of great support.

A very experienced therapist (psychiatric social worker) told me that she believes that ALL caregivers are angry. Somehow I felt relieved to hear that for I too feel anger. The key for me is respite care. If I can go out of the house by myself for a little while every day, I am better able to handle the frustration, disappointments, and loneliness of AD.

YES, YES, & YES. I believe we are all angry. Some handle it better than others. I feel so bad when I read how some of you seem to have so much patience & tender feelings for your LO’s. I DO love my DH, but I haven’t come to the point that Weejun has where pity & sympathy has made the anger go away. I hope I get to that point because I feel so bad being angry at him for something that he has no control over.

I guess I get angry sometimes, but I wouldn't say that's the most difficult for me. I'm afraid more than angry. Things have been pretty good over the winter. I thought with spring arriving things would get even better, but that's not the case. His paranoia is coming back. I'm so afraid I won't be able to handle this part of dementia again. I've gone through it before and it was so hard. The meds helped manage this. I guess I'm going to have to up the dosage again. I hope there won't be any side effects. He also counts his meds. He knows how many he takes in the morning and how many at night. I have to lie again. I can't stand lying! I hate it. I'm not good at it. But, I'm finding I'm doing it more and more, so afraid he'll realize I'm lying. I know he'll forget after awhile, but I'm still afraid.

I get angry mostly when I'm very tired and I am tired ofte especially these days trying to get house on market among numerous other things. I have never learned how to deal with my own anger. I tend to turn it inward way too much. After these past years I usually catch myself when I am about to direct anger at him for repeating, not listening, being extremely selfish even for him.

Yesterday he totally shocked me by weed whacking part of the yard when the day before he couldn't even figure out how to hand me a light bulb. After that he was very tired but appreciative of my gratitude and praise. I then took him for his doctor's appointment and he couldn't even tell the nurse his birthday. Then my compassion is awakened and I feel so bad for him and me.

THEN this morning he asked what he could do to help as there was much to do but I had plans on getting the realtor here this afternoon to sign listing and have him take pictures. I told him he could clean the inside of fridge. Told him not to go to too much trouble. OMG! He took one of the shelves out and apart, was frustrated at not being able to easily get it back together and was banging away at it on our SOAPSTONE counters! Sheezzzzz......(and bad on me for getting the soapstone I had always coveted). After talking him out of taking out any more

Joan - consider the last few weeks: your sister visited and gave you respite where you felt 'normal' and had a more 'normal' life. Then she leaves and reality comes back. You have to re-adjust to the 24/7 life of an AD spouse. That re-adjusting, your postponed and impending surgery (that in itself took an emotional toil), and your anger at AD for what it has done to your life and marriage all can add up to lack of patience = anger.

I have realized that since working and having those few hours away I do not have the patience for his repeating and such. He has been doing dishes and cleaning which is fine but it is little things he does that bother me now. I posted in the daily post about the cat litter. I came home this evening after work and could not find my remote (we happen to have two remotes, one for each of us for the satellite receiver). I found it in my desk. Now why on earth he would be in my desk is beside me - he never has before. But, today I kept my cool.

Joan--I agree with Weejun and the others that the anger goes away when they have declined so much that it is replaced by pity and compassion. I think part of your difficulty is that Sid is declining so slowly (relatively speaking) that it is taking him years longer to be seen as a "child" in your eyes. Would we become angry if a 2 year old couldn't make food choices? No--we would automatically make them for him.

For me, dealing with my hb's agnosia became much easier emotionally when I pretended he was a blind person. Sometimes we need to play mind games with our own brains to find a way to handle the lower levels of functioning. As for the repeated questioning, I'm the one Weejun mentioned who made a game of it to see how many different ways I could phrase the answer. I think the best I did was 8 or 9 ways. Come on, you're a word and language person, see if you can beat my record!

Agreeing with so much of what has been said in this discussion thread, as I agree with so much of what is said on most discussion threads, I just wish that all doctors would tell all AD spouses about this site! There is SO MUCH collective wisdom here ... and so much to comfort all of us regardless of where we are on this journey and regardless of the 'stage' that our spouses are at. Joan ... you just seem to hit the bulls-eye time after time describing your feelings and emotions. You manage to 'say aloud' through your words what so many of us are also thinking ... one day or another.

Like Weejun and Vickie, anger is no longer an issue with me either. For me at least, the anger subsided as soon as his rages against me did. I never did get angry with him for other things, such as repeating himself etc. Things certainly frustrated me, but not to the point of causing me to become upset. I think perhaps because his rages were so difficult, the rest just seemed easier.

Bev, I feel for you! Along with the anger, fear is also something I dare say most of us have felt at one time or other. There is a whole gamut of emotions that we all go through. At the time, each "stage" I went through, seemed so serious and I thought at time I just couldn't survive.... Each new "stage" seemed even worse than the last. And in truth, it was... Looking back now, it is clear to see that a person just can't function at their best when they are THAT over worked and over stressed! Now, some of the things that use to bother me so much seem so trivial to what we are now facing. But at the time, I was being consumed, literally, and those feelings were very real, and very frightening.

About the lying, none of us like it. And I know I too fought it at first. It goes against our morals and values to outright lie to the person we love most in this world. But, it IS that love, that will eventually make it easier for you. What we all come to understand is we are telling our loved ones "lies" to help and protect them. I prefer the term fiblet personally. By not telling them the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, we make their already burdened lives better for them. It is done with their best interest in mind. When looking at it that way, how can it be wrong? I hope that helps you a little bit ((Bev)) ♥

Wow! Thank you all for such insightful comments.

From the beginning of this nightmare, writing my feelings has always given me a good "outlet", and has helped relieve some of my stress. But in sharing those feelings with you, I have received the extra bonus of knowing that I am helping you by validating how YOU feel. When you are suffering in silence, afraid to voice your deepest emotions for fear of reprisal, it is helpful to know that others share those feelings. Helpful for me; helpful for you.

A long time ago, a therapist told me that anger is a secondary emotion. We display anger, but it is really masking an underlying emotion. You are a wise bunch, in that many of you have identified the other emotions as sadness, loneliness, longing for the life I had. It all comes out in anger.

Marilyn was right in her assessment of Sid’s “slow” decline. Although it seems as if he loses some cognition every day, it is really happening over a period of years, and I always think that he can still do something he has been doing. When he can’t, I get angry at him, but it’s really the disease and everything it’s doing to my life that is the object of my anger.

Mary22033,

My sister and step brother have done above and beyond their share of duties over a long period of years in caring for my father, and it is well past my time to pitch in. It is unfortunate that it came at a time when I am overloaded, but my father living here is really the best solution for everyone. Long story, but it is.

I am, however, following my own advice in trying to make things easier for myself. In the “Me Progress” blog, I said that before I do ANYTHING, I first ask – “How can it be done so it is easiest on me?” I have been sticking to that motto, and I can feel the difference. No matter how small or how large the task, I either make it happen the easiest way possible, or it doesn’t happen. That cuts down on the anger at having to do things I don’t want to do.

You are all the greatest support system anywhere.

joang

I have been reading this site and responding since Feb. 09. I have enjoyed and could relate to alot of the post and gain much needed info for the rest of our journey. But this discussion thread is the one that I have really been needing. I am horrible to my dh sometimes. As we all know it is the disease and what all of us are loosing from our loved one. But I hate what I am becoming. I worry that maybe I have always been this horrible and just didn't realize it. I am afraid of what is happening to me while watching my dh leave me and this earth because of this horrible disease. I thank all of you for the info discussed on this thread. It helps me to understand a few things and makes me have hope that I can do better . I am thinking about using a rubber band on my wrist and popping it when I am mad. I will let ya know if it works. I read something this week that has given me new ways of relating to how to treat my dh. It has helped me as had all of the post here. My prayer is that all of us have a relaxing evening and take time to recharge or overworked minds and get ready for tomorrow.........

I am not a big advocate of drugs... don't even like to take aspirin for a headache, but at the holidays my parents sat me down and told me I needed to do something or I was going to end up killing myself from stress. I was very angry all the time, no patience, etc. My doctor put me on an antidepressant and an anti-anxiety. It is like a new world. It is so much easier to cope with everything and be more patient. So don't want to be a "drug pusher" but don't be afraid to try something to help yourself cope.

This type of anger is a whole new thing for me. It is almost like you are looking at yourself from the outside. "That couldn't have been me. I would never be angry with him for his disease. I wasn't angry at his cancer. Why now?" It strikes suddenly and without warning. The closest thing I can compare it to is PMS severe irritability or adolescent rebellion. It is just not me. I need a memory aid for anger. Guess I will get to practice a lot more.