In Canada we have a government agency that operates all LTC facilities in the country. We place our LO in a waiting list and when your turn comes along you either take the placement or they close your file and you start again. When Mar was diagnosed 3 years ago the Dr. strongly urged me to apply due to the fact that the wait time is usually 3 to 6 years and she was mid stage and moving fast. Reluctently I filled out the paper with the CCAC in Ontario and began the wait for the day I never wanted to come. She has advanced so far into the dementia world that it was impossible for me to continue caring for her. (I only got 4 hrs a week PSW support and none of her family would help. I have been trying my best for 5 years (2 years before diagnosis) and the only help is my brother the truck driver.) Her primary care providers for the past 3 years have been 3 millwrights and a truck driver. Not a pretty site some days. I took her to the facility today (lied and said it was for a Dr appointment) dropped her off and she disappeared with a nurse. I went and filled out all the paper and went home. They don't want me to see her for 3 to 4 weeks depending on how she adjusts to the place.These facilities are not free in Canada they cost between $1,600.00 and $2,200.00 per month along with the everyday needs as she was at home. I am sitting up not able to sleep and unable to stop crying as I feel I have let her down. So here's a rundown of how this disease affected me and my life. First my DW of 57 is in the last stages of Alzheimers disease and her Dr. says a year at the most until she passes. I had to retire early with a severly reduced pension so I could care for her. ( can`t return to this construction union since I took pension) I had to close my retiremement business (small excavating company) and am now sitting on a loss of $80,000 We used our combined income to keep our farm afloat and barely made ends meet each month I now have a new bill of $1,800.00 per month to keep her in the home We have used about one half of our retirement money to date keeping everything running since we didn`t plan for this and wern`t ready finacially. Finally I have lost my best friend and love of 37 years.
Dear Fellow Canuck, I'm sorry that this day has come for you and offer you my sympathy and assurances that in the end, all will be well, all manner of things will be well.
It's very hard to deal with all the things this disease brings. Stay strong. After all the effort you've put in to help her and with her now getting professionals to look after her daily needs, I hope that some good luck comes your way. Having folowed your story for a long time, you have earned that.
It is so difficult to place our loved ones. We know it is what is best for them, we do it with love in our hearts.... but Lord does it hurt! I am sorry you have faced so much finacial burden on top of all you have already lost ((big hugs of understanding))
Selwynfarmer, thank you for posting. I wish you strength to get through this difficult time. The Canadian system sounds quite similar to the one here in Holland. Only the waiting list here is not so long and the cost is a percentage of taxable income. I think it will cost me about 700 a month. If he were alone, not having a spouse still at home, 90% of his income would be charged. Three-four weeks seems like a long time not to be able to visit. That used to be the case here but now I think they want you to wait just a few days before visiting.
I pray your DW adapts to the NH without too many problems and I hope your financial situation can be improved. I am sorry for all your pain and distress and I hope you stay with us for support. Take care and God Bless.
I can image the difficulty of the decision. In the end we make the best chioces we can for our mates and many times there are no clear "good choices" You have to get comfort in knowing that you are doing your best given the situation. Good Luck
<<<hugs>>> Be comforted in the knowledge that you did all you could and that now she will be taken care of and you can start rebuilding your life. People don't understand the toll - both physical and financial that ALZ takes. Our prayers are with you.
It is so hard to be parted from them, even when you know it has to be done. You are a wonderful caregiver and have done all that you could. I hope that you find a new career that you can concentrate on to help you with this transition, and give you the financial security you need to live.
Stress about placing her is bad enough - and to add the financial worries makes it more difficult.
Dear Selwynfarmer, I am crying as I read your post. As others have said before, you did what was best for your dear Marilyn. I'm sure that right now it does not feel right for you, but hopefully you will come to appreciate that she is getting the care she needs and you will be able to recapture some of your life. I to am dreading the day I have to place my DH - I've had a glimpse of what that would be like when they would only release him to a facility after a stay in the psych hospital. They were the lonliest days of my life. I too have followed your story on this wonderful website and know what a wonderful caregiver you have been and will be. She is a very lucky woman to have chosen you for her lifemate.
Selwynfarmer, I am sure that like all of us you had to make a really hard decision that should never have to be made by anyone but I hope that you know that you did the best you could and that is all you can do. Take care of yourself now.
Selwynfarmer, what a difficult thing to have to do. I pray she settles in as well as my DH did. It might take several months, so be prepared to be patient. Now, start taking better care of yourself while you have this respite from the 24/7 duties. You made the right decision. Don't let guilt sneak in. There is no place for it.
We can feel your pain while reading this and know that we all have faced the same thing or are heading that way. The cost is tremendous both emotionally and financially. So sorry. We will all try to give you the support you need. Keep posting.
Selwynfarmer---You have done the best you can for her at home. Now, you face a new challenge as you do your best to see her through in this new arrangement. It will take time to adjust, but now you have more help with the work of her care and will have more quality time to be with her, caring for her without it all being work. I am ;prayiong for you, and ev eryone here, as we go through these times. Pray for me as I place my Spouse of 36.5 years, in the next few weeks or less.
Thank you all for your helpful words, they have helped me in this difficult time. A update on Marilyn; since being addmitted, first 2 days they said all was well, but yesterday she got into a rage and was hitting her head off the windows in her room. They called me for suggestions ? She never acted like that at home. The nurse called for the Dr. and suggested ambulance to hospital. I asked what they would do and her response was probibilly use anti phsyc drugs. I told them I was comming to get her and left for the LTC. When I arrived Mar was sitting with a nurse having coffee. I asked if she wanted to go home and she said no I haven't done anything wrong can I stay. After talking to this nurse I found out that she was not in the ward when the episode took place but was called in to help. She said she has many years experience and figured out how to calm her. When we left she was just sitting down to her supper and smilling. This episode has lifted the no visit ban for the family so we are all a little calmer now. I am however still roaming around in our empty house not knowing what to do with myself? I am having a hard time remembering the difficulties that caused me to place her.