I have been pushing myself to go out when asked by my family. I just can't do it anymore. I feel like crying while everyone is talking and acting so normal. I just can't put myself through that anymore because some one said I should start going out. It's been 7 months since he has been in a nursing facility and I just can't seem to get it together. I want to feel better so I push myself to be with people. It's just not working.
Paula - sounds like you are very depressed and also need someone in person to talk with - someone not judgmental. Have you considered counseling? You would be able to talk through your feelings and pain and if he/she is good will help you find out why it is so hard and help you find a way to go on without guilt.
Question: Would your hb want you to continue to isolate yourself like your are? Would he want you to be in so much pain and miserable? I am not saying you are to go out partying and acting like life is normal, cause it is not. But you need to stop being in so much pain because others are enjoying life and you are not.
Paula, I understand a little about how you feel. My DH has been in a facility for the past two months. We're in a continuing care community and I can see him every day and do most days. I usually go in the morning and have coffee with him before he is carried to the dining room for breakfast. He can no longer feed himself although he can hold cup and drink. I have to put the cup to his mouth first and then he will do it himself with that little prompt. It was hard to "wean" myself from staying the entire day with him. Very hard. Even now I pop in at different times and yesterday I was with him almost all day. My friends tell me to "let go" and I do to a certain extent, but the question that is always in my mind is "how much longer will he know me and be able to communicate with me?" I don't want to miss that. It does get a little easier. My prayers are with you. This is very hard when you love someone.
I understand exactly where you are coming from, my DH has been in the NH for two months also. He is very miserable and sad and so am I - if he would sleep at night, I could probably cope during the day.He is completely blind which doesn't make looking after him any easier as he needs full care, but he's in a NH 90 klm. away from me (180 klms round trip). I am sick with the worry of him being so upset and miserable and I don't know what to do for the best for him - he is in a secure unit with people who are a lot further down the journey than he is, but that's all there is around here. I am thinking I might have to leave my home here and relocate to a larger locality where I might find a NH and an independent living unit for me in the one complex.. They are scarce as hen's teeth to find and I don't want to leave my home, but I don't want him to be so miserable and upset, begging me to let him come home all the time - just heartbreaking!!
Your all so correct. Your feelings are exactly what I'm feeling. Charlotte I do have someone I go to. I have tried to do all in my power to get better. Sometimes its ok to go out and I don't feel like I did last night. But it was the feeling I had last night that just brought me to write. I don't know what else I can do, that I'm not doing. I will not start taking medications. How does anyone expect someone to be ok, when there is no ending. You can't be better when you see your husband decline. I dread going to see him because of how he's changed and because of this horrible pain inside , but I will continue as long as there is just a little hope that he knows me.
Paula, why not take an antidepressant if it would help you to cope? Would you deny your husband a life-saving medication? I don't think so! Isn't your life worth saving?
Alzheimer's disease is going to take your husband's life.....do you want the "dragon" to take two victims? I know it seems hopeless now....you don't see a future for yourself. But, I and many others like me, are here to tell you that yes, there is.
The only way to make sure that your husband gets the care he deserves is to make sure that you are alive and healthy to oversee his care.
You are important....you didn't cause your husband to get this disease and you surely can't fix it. The best thing you can do is make sure that you survive.
I feel for you and seven months isn't all that long when we consider how long it takes for people to go through their grieving period. That often takes a year or more.
This is where the cruelty of AD comes through which most here understand. The first principle for me would be that since you are the spouse of a long term sufferer - there is no question that what you are feeling is one of the hardest things humans have to try to face. In other words this reality is seriously dangerous for the caregiver. We have to understand that truth or we will not take it seriously enough.
I would go to your doctor and tell him what your life feels like just like you did here. I suspect he will put you on a mild antidepressant and monitor the dose for a while. It works wonders on many people although the type and dose that works best for each has to be adjusted into.
You have every right to feel depressed and I agree that it does sound like depression.
Don't forget that depression is just as serious and real an illness as many other things that happen to people.
The biggest danger in depression may be that people believe it. They believe they deserve this or that this feeling is what's real.
It isn't. When we've been strained and drained like this for so long we lose track of how normal felt. Getting some help either through a prescription or seeing councelling that can help us find our way isn't any different from getting flu shots or antibiotics to fight a physical condition.
Paula, you need to understand you could use some help. Go to your doctor and tell him exactly what you told us here.
There's more though. We feel guilty that we place them although we often try to just cope our way through just how terribly powerful that experience is.
We feel guilty that we mourn, are angry at our situation, hate seeing what happens to them, hate facing a depressing future, neglect our own problems, get isolated by events. We do not easily balance our entitlement to be with all the work and effort we face. Who has time or the cycles? Besides looking at those things always means feeling pain and sorrow.
We are in a fight for our lives people. And if we don't take in that trying to cope actually kills people (caregivers) and that when we face life ourselves once they are in a NH or have passed - it is in a much weakened condition in every respect because you have been beaten down by REAL HARDSHIPS for a VERY LONG TIME.
Take that in. Help yourself with the same seriousness with which you faced what you had to do for them.
Wolf, you are good. You have answers to problems. I hear you, but my heart doesn't. I know the story about the caregivers die first. I do understand that. I understand that medication could help, but that doesn't solve the problem, it just numbs it. That is why I don't want to start meds. I wish this group could meet in person instead of with words. Sometimes it's nice to look face to face with the other person. The groups here in L.A. are mainly regarding parents in this situation. Very seldom do you see spouses. Maybe all of you should move to L.A. Ha Ha Ha. Thanks for everything you have written. I do appreciate it.
Paula, likely my words won't help much either except to let you know I do care and wish this could be easier for you. But I will write my experience anyway.
I placed DH 8 months ago and while it was very difficult to do, it was needed. Since then, in very tiny baby steps I am functioning better, even in spite of my own medical situation which is not so good. I used anti-depressants for awhile and now am going it alone. But I never expected the problem to get better. It never will. Instead I understand that only I can get better, not DH and not the situation, so I am working to make me better. I no longer stay in bed for days on end like I did at first.
The meds do not numb you. They allow you to cope whether you want to or not. I think maybe you are wallowing now, I recognize it because I did it too. But it wasn't helpful so I had to stop. There CAN BE good days while a spouse is placed. Maybe others in this situation will come along to share their stories. You can be better while watching your spouse decline. It's mandatory or you won't be able to survive. Waiting til "after" to take steps to heal yourself is a mistake.
Paula, please listen to the good advice you have been given here, and love yourself enough to take care of # 1....anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications can be very helpful in bringing the brain chemistry back to where it needs to be in order that one gains a better control over negative feelings and emotions. Depression is a very real problem that affects the way we handle the pressures and pain of life, and it does disrupt the functioning of our brains....medications will not erase the problems causing the pressures and pain, but they will make it easier for us to gain control over our emotions enough so that we can improve the way we handle these problems. In this way, we not only take care of ourselves, but we are better able to care for our LOs...whether they are at home or in a facility...no matter...we are still the caregivers.
Words directly from my social worker - If you had a splitting headache, you would take Tylenol, Advil, or some such medication to ease the pain. If you had a broken limb, you would go to the doctor to get it set. If you had pneumonia, you would take an anti-biotic to cure it. Clinical depression is a medical condition. The chemicals in your brain, particularly seratonin, the one that regulates mood, are low. Medication will bring the chemicals back into balance, which will ALLOW you to work on the problem. It won't "numb" you. You can't work on the problem when your chemicals are all out of whack.
I almost died from stress and anxiety before I went on the anti-depressant. It helps me cope, function, and get through the day.
Thank you again for all your advice. I just came back from seeing him. They were feeding him and they said look who's here, who is she. He looked at me as if he knew me, then said he doesn't know. I don't know if that is the beginning of him forgetting me or just today. I looked at him and I didn't see unhappiness so I didn't feel sad. I knew the day would come. It just hurts when you have know someone for 36 years and today it was all gone. I do understand what everyone is saying about the medication. I will talk to my doctor tomorrow . Thank you all for caring. It makes me feel less lonely .