As you know my hb lives at home with us. Well several things that he is doing and I know it's all his dementia. First, he emailed his guardian sayin I had confiscated him money and I needed to pay him back. Secondly, his guardian is the conservator and I have nothing to do with his money. The problem is that I am so sick and tired of these accusations even though I know they are not true. My hb tells his guardian that he wants to find another place to live, dementia again. My hb did not remember emailing his guardian. I guess I am just so worn out. I've had the flue for over a week and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. My sons also have the flu. I don't know how much more I can take. It's not his fault since he can't remember any of it. Do I send him to a facility since it seems he is so unhappy here at home. I can't just sweep it under the carpet any more. I am human. I spend over 4 years dedicating my life for him and I think it's time I take care of myself. Our sons don't want him to go to a facility but I'm the only one doing everything here at home. Any good advise. The guilt is setting in.
Lee, I guess it depends on how much your sons want him to stay at home. Lay it on the line, that you have reached your limit and if they want him to stay at home, give them a list of what is expected from them to lessen the load off of you and how much load are they going to take. Or raise the rent on them so you can afford to get a home health aide.
Are you on good speaking terms with the Guardian? If you are, you could ask the Guardian to write your husband a short letter explaining that he has the money and that you don't. The Guardian could also mention some of the living options available to your husband, if he leaves your home. You could keep a few copies to hand to him when these subjects come up.
It really is so hard when you can't defend yourself. I think that this is what is happening to you. You feel like a "push over" for not defending yourself. It is so hard for us all to walk the other way when we want to talk about it. What you are feeling is normal.
If I recall, your sons are teenagers. They are old enough to take on some of the responsibility. You need to make them understand that if they want their father at home that they need to help more. May be they can do laundry or some of the house work, or spend more time with your husband. All of these things would take some of the pressure off of you.
Lee, I know how hard this is. How old are your sons? There age is a factor in the decisions you make. My DH is the opposite, he will not let me out of his sight. If I am in the bathroom, he is outside the door. The dementia is exhausting. Today, DH left the hot water running for over an hour in the bathroom. He opened the mail with important papers in it and tore them up. I had to tape them up to see what they were. He did not realize what he did. It is so tiring to be on watch all the time.
i'd be telling the guardian to prepare a check for the costs from DH acct to pay for respite care. meaning an agency that could come over see DH care while you get out a couple times a week. whether dh likes it or not. divvi
I have missed something regarding the guardian..why is that necessary? It is something I don't know anything about..why a spouse would need a guardian.. In any event, if you are on good terms with this person, I would have a talk with him and let that person know what is going on and the idea of a series of copies of a letter that explains things, though he is going to forget it, might be helpful. I kind of understand your situation with the sons....they don't want him in a facility and yet it may be best...I find other events about my house where I second guess myself sometimes and know I need to stop that..but I do get it... All that said, sons ill or not, and even the ages are not that important unless they are in elementary school....with your husband at home it sound like it is long past time when they take on some responsibility. That means they must be available to you when you need them and if they have to change plans from time to time so what? If they are helping now, and don't want your husband to go to a nursing home or assisted facility, then ask them how they plan to take care of both him and you when you finally just break down physically from the strain. Remember YOU are the boss not the kids and YOU get the final vote and it is YOU who has to make the decisions that are in the best interest of your husband, yourself and the kids. Just for grins the other day, when an appointment for my dh was made for his next foot doc appt I made an off handed remark that " well my summer is over" and the receptionist said your are joking..I said let me show you my calendar from now ( which was last Wed) through July! She was amazed and I said this does not include all the errands and runs for meds etc for him. Sometimes we just have to spell it out in bold black and white letters to get some people to understand even a little bit.