Have we talked about this? I did a search and couldn't find it, so here goes:
I thought it would be interesting to have a discussion on why this is so upsetting to most caregivers. I tried to prepare myself emotionally for this to happen because I figured it would, and I was right. My hb recognizes me intermittently, probably about 50 percent of the time now. It doesn't upset me because I know it's not personal, he doesn't recogize many things due to agnosia. My responses differ--sometimes I'll say "I'm your wife" and he "snaps back to reality" and says something like "Oh, of course you are", seeming a little embarassed. Other times he'll smile, like I'm joking with him, and I see he doesn't believe me, so I go along with it and ask him to tell me about his wife, and he says lovely things. Still other times when he is upset about where his wife is, I pretend to call her for him and he's very grateful to know "where she is and when she'll be back".
So why does this, as a rule, upset caregivers so much? Is it the irony that we are bending over backwards to provide care, probably 24/7, and the disease sometimes prevents them from recognizing us?
I can only comment on why this will be hard for me. For 40 years my husband's eyes have lit up when he saw me. There is a twinkle in those eyes that is just for me. The day that no longer happens will be like a death of sorts. It will mean that all our shared memories, all that we were to each other, is gone from his mind.
I've thought all along that the two hardest days for me will be the day my husband no longer recognizes me, and the day he goes to a nursing home.
My DH still recognizes me but not in pictures. He will look at a family picture and ask who that woman is. When I tell him he will be embarrassed that he doesn't recognize me. It upsets me more that he is starting to not recognize our children and only because I know they are hurt.....esp. our daughter.
My DH still knows who I am 99% of the time, for which I am grateful. I know it will hurt me to my very soul when he no longer knows who I am or my name. To me it is the recognition and knowing me which makes me feel the emotional connection we've shared for 30 years. When it is gone, I will be heartbroken.
My DH could recognize his children's picturs when they were young, but not as they looked at the present time. I think it was because he was back there in his mind... also, - and this is a warning to all, if the children are not constantly present in his life, he will not recognize them when they come to see him. This was true in our case. Then the kids would quiz him and quiz him and say things like "I cannot believe you don't remember that!!". Yes, it was true, they couldn't believe it. and I'd remind them that it was not his fault...and they shouldn't keep expecting to 'snap him out of it". Nancy B*
Jan K--You said that when your husband doesn't recognize you, all your shared memories and all that you were to each other will be gone. I don't believe that. Even when my husband doesn't recognize me, he will talk about "his wife" in the most loving terms, tell me how wonderful she is, that she does everything for him, is beautiful, etc. Recognizing me has nothing to do with it--the emotion is still there inside him.
Also, during those times he thinks I'm someone else, he's a little uncomfortable about showing too much affection. It's actually funny; if we hug and kiss, he'll say "my wife wouldn't like this". For us, perhaps because it is happening gradually, his inability to recognize me hasn't severed the emotional connection.
And, I think of the story that's been told here several times, about the man who visited his wife every day in the NH. A friend asked him why, since she no longer recognized her husband. His answer was, "Because I still know who she is."