Do any of you ever wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to breathe? I just did. I know it was a minor panic attack. DH and I had been discussing his condition a few hours ago and I know this is what brought this on. I panicked about loving him...do i really have romantic love for him anymore? I know I LOVE him but don't feel any romantic/sex-type love for him anymore. It is like caring for a child I really don't know. I panicked because I really don't want to spend years caring for him in this condition. GUILT ABOUNDS. I panicked because I am glad he is going on a mini vacation with his brother and don't want him to come back. Oh crap what an awful feeling I have right now. I panicked because I know I drink too much because it eases the anxiety I feel all the time. I panicked because I know God is there for me but I can't find the peace I know I need to find. Where do I go from here? How do I get to where I need to be?
Some times we have no idea where to go from here. That is why you had the panic attack. I learned real fast just to let go. I can not control everything. And I am very much a planner. Have to know what is going to happen at every moment, or should say I did need to know. I now let it go. I can not control anything other than myself. Everything else is out of my hands.
I learned to "be flexible", it is on a post it note here on the computer. If some things do not get done in the time I want it so be it. It will get done later or maybe not.
The love part, you need to look back on the discussion board here we have talked about this many of times,and know you are not alone in how you feel. I feel the same way, and it is sad. I am only 51 and it has been a year now with out the love of my husband. I just try not to think of that. I do love him in a more mother child like way. He is a man in body only, his mind is somewhere else.
God and drinking....... I don't want to step on any toes here. And forgive me if this comes out wrong. But I no longer drink, I drive for a living and can not have any problems and I still have a 15 year old at home. She needs to see me strong even when I don't feel like I am. I am on call 24/7 so I have to be at the ready at all times. And I know I would most likely at this point drink to much. I am most days overeating, that in itself I know is bad too...... As for God, I put this all in his hands and so far things have worked out somehow. Not the way I had wanted or planned. But we are making do and in this day and age not everyone can say that. My DH is happy and DD is happy and right now believe it or not in some ways I am happy.
So now I do make plans in pencil so I can erase them out to put in others if needed. Other than that, it is one day at a time and if need be one hour at a time. And it does help some days to take it hour by hour. When I am thinking how will I do this today. And at the end of the day some how I did it :)
Sheila.....You are not alone, happens to me way too often. I have the same thoughts of wishing it would all go away. What scares me is even after hb is gone, my life will still be a life of loneliness and worry. I know one thing, life is about change, nothing stays the same. I am wishing for all of us to get through this tragic change in our lives in one piece so we can be here for the happy changes in our lives, and they will come!!!
Anxiety must be almost an unavoidable side effect of this line of work. Learning how to manage the anxiety helps, because it only sort of dissipates as you slowly acclimate to what life is now about.
All the feelings you described above--changing attitude toward spouse, perceiving the future as undesirable, guilt about that stuff--yes, been there. Still am there, for that matter, but I have processed this stuff to some extent.
That's what can happen to make it better...over time you process the stuff, make a little peace with it, find new ways to manage. It's slow though.
Sheila, I am so sorry you are going through this; as others have said tho, you are not alone. Please know that you have our support. I am concerned about you... have you discussed with your own doctor about your anxiety/panic ....there may be something she/he could prescribe to help you so that you are able to cope with the anxiety you are feeling. As Emily said, "all the feelings you described..." I have been there too, and still have those feelings at times. I take an antidepressant which has helped me with the anxiety/panic, and I find so much invaluable help and support from Joan's site.
What you describe is exactly what happened to me. It was during the time that Sid was raging, insulting, and screaming. I fought and argued with him all day to the point that I lost my breath. Then one night, I was dreaming that we were screaming at each other, and I had a panic attack - IN MY SLEEP. I woke up with my head pounding and barely able to catch my breath. That's when I knew it was time to take my doctor up on his offer to prescribe an anti depressant and anxiety meds. I took them to save my own life and sanity. I am still on the anti - depressant, Zoloft, but haven't needed the xanaax (anti - anxiety) in a long time. Probably because I take pain pills at night for my shoulder, which mellow me out.
We're not pushing pills here, but sometimes when the situation is a danger to ourselves, they are needed.
Sheila, If we are all honest with ourselves we would all want to be somewhere else or wish we could roll back time to better days. I don't think we need to feel guilty about it but need to accept that this is not going to change magically. I agree with what everyone said. Get to a Dr. and get an antidepressant etc..... Drinking might sound like a good option now but will only make matters worse in the long run when you cannot care for yourself let a lone your DH. If you can afford it respite care is really worth it. <<<hugs>>>
I must admit I have some wine in the evening, Ocasionally hard stuff but not that often. I am not getting plastered but it does help some to wind down the day.
Thanks my dear friends for your support. I have been taking Lexapro for the past 3 years and it does seem to help. A year ago my dr upped me from 10mg to 20mg. Maybe it is time for something else. DH leaves in the morning for 4 days with his brothers. Hopefully during the time he is gone I can get unwound. I find myself lurking on this site more and more and REALLY appreciate everyone's input and support...not only to me but EVERYONE.
I tried napping this afternoon for awhile but woke up twice with that fast heartbeat and breathing. Finally gave up and got up. Not worth the effort!
You are no different than all the rest of us caught up in this hell of a mess called AD. Romantic feelings went out the door for me years ago when all the medical issues that cause this sort of malfunction moved in with us. And while the hubbster was still "with it" there were other things he did that always showed his devotion..it does not always have to be the physical thing. So maybe that made the transition easier for me, I don't know. Even still today he tells me he loves me and worries out loud that he wonders if he has provided well for me "should someothing ever happen to me " he will say..and he always says how grateful he is and best of all, " If you ever plan to leave me, let me know so I can go with you." which always makes me smile. That said, I am in the soup with everyone else when I wish that this disease were gone..but then that means he would be gone and that is almost worse...not having him here. I can still get a giggle out of his humor, the smirk when he tells a joke or the smile when he hears a joke and he writes it down to tell someone eles. What I resent out of this so far is the never ending errands, and doctor visits, and all that stuff that leaves me no time for my own hobbies and deprives him of the ability to do the things he loves to do because he lacks the energy or balance..or firends to go with him... What is really hard is to look at our photos of events and places we went ...to see him healthy and strong..and to know that there won't be any more ski trips, or hiking trips etc with him....it makes me feel low too.
Sheila, Have you ever heard that Lexapro is fancy word for "15 pounds a year". I had a doctor tell me that!! Believe it or not. I had been given Lexapro when my husband was still alive. You might be happy if you switched anti depressants AND lost those pounds because of it. I lost about ten pounds after stopping Lexapro. (I had taken it about two years....and was hoping I'd lose all 30, but that was not to be!) Went back onto Zoloft, and I'm happy to say that now, about 17 months after the death of my dearhusband, I take no antidepressants at all. There is a life ever after. I promise.
Nancy, I have never heard that about Lexapro! Good grief, I struggle with my weight, can't lose and pound and this could be why! I'm making an appointment tomorrow to get switched! Thanks for the head's up on that!
If you lose weight after switching, remember me in your "will". (Grin) Google "Lexapro and weight gain" and you'll learn more about how the drug is known for having this very unattractive side-effect. (Pun intended!) n.
Sheila, I am sorry you are going through this. It is all so difficult and just doesn't seem to get any easier. I had anxiety attacks as well. The first time it happened I ended up in the ER, everyone was sure I was having a heart attack. It lasted forever and even the doctor wasn't convinced it was "just" anxiety. "just" anxiety my foot! It can be debilitating at times. I ended up on Lexipro and Lorazepam. The Lorazepam did help some with the anxiety, but I still ended up having TIA's. I hope you are able to find the right medicine to help you. But, I also hope you are able to take some much needed breaks. I wasn't able to, and I am convinced this is what led to the TIA's. Don't feel guilty, one can't help what they are feeling. You love him, you are caring for him the best you are able. Cut yourself some slack and be kind to YOU ♥
Thanks Nikki. I DO love him with all my heart. He has been my best friend for 28 years....now it is just different. Today has been a good day and reminds me of the old Tom.
Oh ((Sheila)) of course you do!!! It is so hard to say good-bye to aspects of our spouses, over and over and over, year after painful year. After MANY years, many battles, and a lot of struggling, I am finally at peace with the loss of the husband Lynn use to be. It still of course hurts immensely, but it doesn’t consume me anymore. Now I am able to be grateful and enjoy him for who he is now.
The love I have for Lynn now, is very different than the love we use to share. But, it is just as strong, if not stronger. Deeper in many ways. I am convinced, that even in late stage our loved ones DO remember us! This has been proven to me over and over. We just have to remember that the Alzheimer's is trapping them, but they are still "there" ... "Through it all, Love Remains"
You will find your way through this Sheila, and we are all here to help you ♥
Nancy, I'm on celexa which is very closely related to lexapro and I have gained 30 lbs over the last two years. Nothing I do seems to let me lose weight. I need that doctor to talk to my doctor who doesn't put much credence in the antidepressant causing weight gain. It sure is hard to continue to exercise when it seems to do nothing.
Thanks for the hugs and support. I feel like I know you all individually for some reason. So much we have to go thru, so much we have to put up with, so much love we feel for our DH's no matter what. You all give me strength.
Got news for you all - weight gain is common for every anti-depressant with the exception of maybe Prozac. Prozac was at one time used for weight loss - I did not gain weight when I was on it years ago, but I did not loose either. I was on trazadone and did gain lots of weight. The last two years the stress and inactivity have added 50 pounds to my already overweight body. I was watching a clip the other day online of a man who was taking care of his wife - he had gained 50 pounds in the last couple years (he use to be slim and active) due to the stress.
I am not on any anti depressants right now, need to move my health insurance in the near future and this has kept me from starting at this point. (Note anxiety over moving the insurance) Not drinking because not sure I could keep it in check right now and with DD still at home I need to make sure she dose not see me drinking to much. But eating.....now let me tell you. Food has always been my friend. And my blood pressure is up and I am on meds for that. So I am being bad and in a way I don't care. I know I need to get this under control. I do try, but some days. The warmer days and sun shine do help. I hate the months of Jan and Feb they are so sad to me. Don't know where I was going with this...just sorry we are having to deal with all of this.
DW is having panic attacks, She is so confused that all I can do is talk to her calmly and reassure her and she will settle down. She is also quick to jump between these states. It is really strange. I am not sure if the Ativan is causing this as it is the new thing in the equation. She was given that to help her settle down, but it seems that she is having the panic attacks more now that she is on this drug. It happens when the drug wears off about 5 hours after she has had the drug.
moorsb--Ativan doesn't stay in the system. So, when it wears off, she gets agitated, panicky. My DHtakes much more that your wife does, and it is spaced through the day, to avoid this happening. Your calming reassurance helps, but the disease is running her, and her respite from it is when the Ativan is working. You know, I'm sure, how pain meds are prescibed--a specified dose every set number of hours. Talk to her Dr. Youboth need a break from the upset.
This is going to sound strange and maybe awful. I was on the edge of becoming very very depressed and I am sure panic attacks would probably have followed. This is how I got some control of myself and my life. Anyone that knows me knows that I am a take charge person with a controlling personality. That doesn't sound too good..but it is true. So, about a year ago I said to myself...you have got it made... you always liked to be in control and now you are in total control of eveything.
I control where we live, when and where we go out to eat, what we spend our money on, what he wears, when we go to bed, where we may go on a short trip, where we stay, who we see....on and on. I kind of talked myself into thinking this isn't too bad with me in control. No arguments about anything for almost a year now. Control is wonderful (sarc). except when you burden yourself with wishing you didn't have to do everything. But, like most things there are two sides to the story...I can either be depressed and feeling sorry for myself that I have to do everything or I can relish the fact that I have achieved total control. I have chosen the the total control to be my friend. It's working pretty good for right now.
It' so hard Sheila, seems like we have all been or are going through these feeling right now..I know I feel the same way right now...I love him to bits but the romance has gone...just can't seem to get that same feeling again.....so to keep him happy, I'm having to fake it a lot! I fight my depresssion all the time by comfort eating...helps for that moment but as they say a minute on the lips, a pound on the hips... I have a sign saying, Change the things you can change..accept the things you can't change and pray to have the wisdom to know the difference. I'm trying to live by that.. Bless us all and hope we come through this as best we can..
JudithKB, that is an interesting way to look at it. I never thought of myself as a controlling person, but I do like to plan ahead for things so in a way that is controlling. Now of course like you said we do have control of everything & we can either embrace that or be depressed &feel sorry for ourself. Maybe if I look at it that way I might have an easier time of it, but after a while it just gets so mentally exhausting & that is when the depression kicks in. (but I am going to try to put your idea into practice!)
JudithKB, your idea is a whole new thing I've never thought about before. Hmmmm.... it may help to take this attitude when we get burdened down with all we have to do.