Every day my DH complains of something. For months it was tingling in his hand. At his check up in November he went on and on about it to the Dr. Dr. said he could not find anything and that he did not have carpel tunnel. He suggested seeing a neurologist.Last week at his regular neurology appointment I mentioned the problem to the doctor. He checked him out and said it was carpel tunnel and we could do tests and possibly have surgery. I don't want DH to have any kind of elective surgery at this time. Then it was his tooth, it was loose. I took him to the dentist over and over. Finally, he pulled the tooth and prepared DH for bridge. He now has a temporary bridge. He still complains. He forgets he has a temporary bridge. He gets the permanent bridge on April 12. He will complain that it doesn't feel right, I am sure. This morning his back hurts. He never moves out of his recliner. I gave him ibuprofen and a thermacare back wrap. Ten minutes later his hand hurt. I told him to put the hand brace on. Later, he will talk about his tooth. This is my life. I take his complaints seriously. They are not life threatening. He is 73 and everything hurts. I am 73 and everything hurts me, too. I just can't complain.
You are in my prayers. I find that my dh is very preoccupied with body and it's functions. You are doing the best you can. Like you say, it isn't life-threatening. Let him see you are very interested in his ailments but unless they really point to something serious, forget it. I am 79, dh is 84. There is always something wrong, rashes, eye dr. gave him wrong glasses, dentist didn't do a good job with bridge. At the moment he won't go back to dentist, not even for a cleaning. Dentist "gets it" because his mom has AD.
Oh, Maryd, I could have written the above. We went through the phase of shoulder hurting, his back hurting, his arms hurting, his knees, his legs and feet. Also the tooth problems. Doctors can find nothing wrong - except arthritis . It's always something, but then at 87 I suppose he does hurt somewhere! Dr. gave him Salsalate for the arthritis, and now he doesn't complain as much. Now it's the calves in his legs!
I'm 71 and I hurt too - but there's no one to complain to - except here on this site!
Welcome to the club. Last month I wrote a blog - "Crying Wolf" - http://www.thealzheimerspouse.com/Cryingwolf.htm- about this subject. Not that they don't hurt, I understand that they do, but after 10 days of observing the dynamics around here, my sister told me that he is doing most of the complaining for my benefit. He is looking for attention. Stepping back from the situation and observing from her perspective, I realized she was right. He moans, groans, whines (and I do mean WHINE), and complains only to me. When I ask what is wrong, I get more whining and complaining. My sister said I should stop asking what is wrong when he whines. I tried it for one of the whining incidents, and when he got no response from me, he stopped.
It's a balancing act between guessing when something is really serious and needs attention, and when it's a bid for attention. Not an easy task.
This thread prompted me to tell what's been on my mind since my hb was diagnosed with dementia. He was always complaining, a hypochondriac like his mom and dad I thought. His parents had drugs for every aliment their was, so when hb complained of a stomach ache and wanted me to take him to the hospital, I had doubts it was serious. I took him but drove just the speed limit, thinking he would say he was feeling better and I wouldn't be far from home when that happened. Well, after spending five hr. in the er, he was diagnosed with a perforated colon. As they are wheeling him in to the surgery area, I hear a nurse say his vital signs are dropping. He was in intensive care for a week, came out with a colostomy bag. From that time on, he was never the same, his behavior changed and a few yr. later he was diagnoised with dementia. I can't help think if I had took him seriously and sped to the hospital maybe things would be different.
Doubt that speeding to the hospital would have helped. Colon had probably perforated before you even left the house. Any type of perforation is going to create havoc in a body and vitals will be erratic. Had nothing to do with the dementia either. Anesthesia almost always create some memory issues. Don't dwell on the what if's in life. Nothing we can do about it and we have enough to worry about.
cricket, let it go. Chances are you getting to the ER earlier would not have made any difference. I would bet there was wasted time in the ER. We have enough to worry about without looking back to the past.
This is the first time I have ever mentioned what I'd been thinking all these yr.. Thank you for reminding me not to dwell on the would of, could of, should ofs.
A perforated colon is a really serious condition and can be life threatening indeed. So can many other conditions. The point is, you took him seriously and did get him to hospital where he was taken care of and the time in the ICU would be the plan when he needed monitoring. Just two weeks ago, I had my hubby in the ER due to low BP. I called the cardiologist who said get him to hospital,infact said I should seek assistance meaning ambulance. I said I could be at the hospital by the time the ambulance got to our house..so I drove him and he complained I was driving too fast which I was not. After 4 hours observation and a bag of fluid we came home with meds changed..and just today I took his BP and felt it was a little low but he felt ok and looked ok so I made the call NOT to run to the hospital but to keep an eye on him...but who knows for sure All we can do is the best we know how and we are not mind readers and we are not gods ..but when hindsight kicks in it sure can kick us around...don't blame yourself... The other thing I would add is that when one has a habit of complaining when there really is nothing wrong then we become immune to the complaints because we don't know what is real anymore.
I might add that hb was diagnosed with diverticulitis a month before the er trip and ignored the diet he was prescribed. He had been eating cashews, among other foods he shouldn't have been eating. For as long as I can remember he has complained about some physical ailment. The constant complaining has stopped, not one complaint since he's been diagnosed with dementia, what's going on? Is it he just can't feel that his hip hurts, head hurts, stomach hurts? Or maybe he just doesn't hurt anymore, or maybe he never did hurt at all. I can tell you one thing, I hurt from thinking too much!
I was told when my mom had AD that they don't know how to explain pain...don't know what we mean when we ask...the vocabulary goes..I think maybe the only way we can tell sometimes is when they wince with pain. I get the same frustrations trying to figure out what has hubby out of sorts sometimes.
I’ve begun charting my husband’s complaints. The interesting thing is that it is confined to one problem at a time. It is always described as a “killing” ... headache, gut ache, weak legs, eye hurts, tooth ache, Every morning he awakes with an ailment of which he “needs to go to the hospital”. Yet, he won’t lie in bed, rather says what good would that do. I am seen as the b**** who will not take him. This morning he repeated his mantra and added he’d take a taxi. I see why Alzheimers costs this nation billions. I no longer take his verbal complaints serriously, rather I watch for physical symptoms like I used to do with my children when they pretended ill to stay home from school. He had a colonoscopy a month ago and the results showed diverticulosis. The doctor told me if he has a fever, or is on the floor writhing In pain to bring him in. I was thankful for his advice. I was on the fence about his undergoing a colonoscopy but was relieved to know what is the reality. He did okay with the prep. Last year he had cataract surgery and that was a nightmare. He still complains about blurry vision and pain with the artificial lens. He wants to give the doctor a “piece of his mind” for taking It out. Says he didn’t know the doctor was going to do that and totally forgets (of course) that it was his who insisted on having the surgery.
Have you talked to the doctor about his eye? I know people have to keep using the lubrication/eye drops long after the surgery,meaning indefinitely. As different parts of the brain is attacked pains in different areas show up. But, they may be real and may not - could just be a 'misfire' in the brain. So hard to know when to take for real. At least you know gut pain may be real and why.
My SIL was diagnosed at 55 and died 9 years later. My FIL lived over 20 years and I fear my husband is running the same pattern. My MIL refused help and died of a sudden heart attack, so this disease took two. He lived another 9 years. When my husband was diagnosed he made me promise I would not let it take me too. He forgets he made me promise - which I quickly did- but I do. I do not plan to let this disease take me with him.
Yes, we have returned to the eye doctor half a dozen times. The doctor believes it is a case of dry eye. He has what he needs to address the problem, but I’m the one who must be diligent.
Was your MIL caring for her husband and child when she passed? So sad.
I’m glad you’re determined to not let the disease consume you. I thought I was okay, but recent feelings of rage and depression are telltale.
I need to get my parents to accept some outside help. This will be my first goal. I will have a heart to heart with my dad and explain I can’t be there everyday.
Reading this takes me back eight years. Bob has been in memory care over five years. He no longer complains, because he doesn’t talk. Or walk. He can’t feed himself and sleeps much of the time. His vital signs are good and he still eats well on some days. He has been on hospice for almost two years. he smiles at me and at his caregivers when he is awake. We are almost at 20 years on this journey. I am so tired. I see him at lunch time every day and feed him when he is awake.
maryd - reading your post is a bit discouraging for me. My husband has been in private care & now in long term care for 1½ years. To think my journey may last 20 years is just scary. I'm assuming your 20 year journey started when he was diagnosed & still living at home? Just curious how old he is? My husband was diagnosed in 2014 when he was 64. I sure hope I don't have another 15 years to go....
Bob was diagnosed in 2006,but the signs were there for about six years. He is now 80. I placed him after he started,falling and needed more care. He did go to day programs for several years. We were pretty active in the beginning,but everything got too difficult after about 6 years. He had a heart attack at age 44 and I think that was the beginning. At 53, he retired from a stressful job,very suddenly. At this point, who knows. I am glad he is not in pain, but, his care is financially a disaster. No long term care, no Medicaid.