In response to many of our new members having so much difficulty learning about their spouses' "reasoning button", I have written an updated blog on 'arguing, reasoning, and explaining". I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read it. It is designed as a primer for newbies and a refresher for veterans.
I encourage both newbies and veterans to post comments here. Thank you.
Thanks Joan, I needed that. Lastnight in bed I was thinking about DH and his halluciantions and paranoia. It finally hit me that it would be better for both of us if I didn't react and try to "explain". What can I say.....I'm a slow learner!
My favorite picture is one with the sea, the waves, the sand and blue skies that I have hanging on the wall. My DH tells visitors that he flew a plane right through that picture and he believes that he did. Now, he did take some flying lessons in college but he only took a plane up one time by himself and he turned that sucker around and landed it. Never again did he fly a plane. Now, I am not going to tell him it didn't happen. I still am having trouble letting things go but I am working on accepting..
I am long past the time when this was a problem. I think the most important thing I learned the longer we dealt with this disease is to cherish what you have now. It isn't what any of us want, but we HAVE to remember... what we have right here and now, IS the best it is ever going to be.
Don't waste precious time being frustrated about something you just can not change or control. Try not to focus on what your loved ones can no longer do and instead enjoy all that they still CAN do!! I think one day we all will wish for these times back…. At least, I know I do!!!
As a veteran, may I add---learn to RESPOND to your LO, not REACT. Take the extra second or two to listen to your LO and then respond with a clear, short answer. When you REACT, it is likely to be an answer filled with your frustration, maybe some argument or disagreement, or maybe just an opening for discussion. To give an example, my DH will get it into his head that he has to go to the store for an item--right now. I respond that he can go check on it Sunday when we go or Wednesday when he goes with our helper. These are routine trips. I've defused the situation by agreeing to him checking on a routine trip. Often his "items" are unnecessary and when he waits for the next trip they get forgotten.
Whether a situation as described above, a discussion on why I haven't got the taxes done yet, or something as simple as him bringing the dog in from outside without prompting, My answer can make all the difference in the stress level we have. We are the ones who have to change our approach. I think there is a natural instinct to fight change--he's the one being the problem, he needs to change --not me. The reality of our lives is that our spouses are being changed and it is up to us to make the changes needed to get us both through as peacefully as possible---because we are the ones who can.
Thanks, Joan, I needed that. I have read about IGNORE IT and I have been advised by social workers, nurses and family members to LET IT GO. For the most part, I am responding to "misreasoning" by not arguing, explaining or complaining. I am getting better at it, but sometimes I break down, like this morning when my DH told me, "...all you do is sit on your ass." So, while I am stuggling to clean up in the bathroom (yet again), do HIS laundry, prepare HIS meals (you get the picture) I have taken to singing, "Let it go, let it go, let it go..." and other reworded lyrics of Let It Snow.
Speaking as a veteran who KNOWS that the reasoning button is broken ... and someone who has learned to become patient and accepting ... it is STILL very hard at times to 'see' my wife yet accept that 'she' ... my woife, my partner, my best friend ... is no longer there inside. In a sense, it will probably become easier for me as her AD worsens. She will eventually 'look sickly' and will have physical difficulties. But right now, on most days she still 'looks' fine ... still 'looks' physically fit and able to do things. Reconciling her appearance with the reality that there is SO much she can no longer do anymore ... THAT remains VERY tough for me.
Thank you, Joan for two very helpful blogs. as for the IGNORE IT, I am getting better at that. Some times it is pretty hard but I keep reminding myself. As for ignoring or letting it go has been a lot harder. DH tells the story to anyone, preferably strangers, that his grandparents started the town we live in---not!! That used to really bother me and I would try to correct him but now I figure " what does it matter?" There A lot of these made up stories and I'm getting better at ignoring them or at least giving the person he's talking to a look that tells them that maybe this a "little far fetched"
acvann, my DH also looks fine. People find it hard to believe he is 82 and although I am 11 years younger there are days I feel 92!!!!!! Probably look it too.
mkayeb, My DH was in the USAF for 25 years. We have been married 45 years next month and I have heard all the "war stories" and family stories. Now when he is telling one of them some of the details have changed but I just let it pass. I'm sure he believes what is saying is true.
Joan, thank you for this reminder. Even though it has been two years since dx. I still feel like this is new to me and everytime I think I am going to STOP reasoning with him or arguing with him I still hold on to some little corner of hope that THIS time will be different...NOT! Why do I do that? It is just stupid and as I do it I know that it is an exercise in futility but it is like I can't stop myself. When I do this I feel like I don't have a choice but to try, who else am I going to talk to about US but US right?!?!? I guess in that respect there is no US anymore. I think that is what I am fighting the most, NO US...hummmmmmmmm.
acvann, you described it perfectly as far as our LO looking the same, but not being there “inside”. I think that is why as Joan 42657 says, I sometimes still hold on to some little corner of hope that THIS time will be different, but of course it’s not. Like a lot of you, I still try to reason even though I know I shouldn’t.
Nikki--you are so right about cherishing what we have right now. My hb has been in a care facility for a week, getting his meds adjusted. His neuro emailed me that "he is a handful, even on a good day". Don't I know it, but when he gets to Stage 7, I'll bet I'll even miss his feisty side that can upset me now!
Yep ... I, too, find myself fighting to hold onto the US we used to be, knowing full well THAT US will never be again. As you said, deb42657, this is an exercise in total futility. But, too often, I also find myself trying to reason with someone who can no longer do so. I should know better ... I do know better. But I do it anyway more times than I care to admit!
Joan Read this latest blog and I commend you on the changes you have accepted. When I first started reading your blogs in this website I saw a very upset and stressed individual. A couple of years have passed and now I see a person who although she loves her spouse very deeply has finally accepted that while he has changed it is not because of anything he did and whats more important is that he cannot help himself because the disease has taken control of all his emotions. The sad part is that the worst is yet to come. Hang in there and keep writing. We all need to read the issues you cover. Bruce
I am a veteran but even after reading your blog last night I got frustrated with my DH. I can handle anything he does during the day but when it is time to go to bed my patience is about at the end of the line. I'm tired and I just want to crawl in bed. He gets these spells where he is paranoid over little things. I keep a notepad on the coffee table to write down messages and he saw that it had our name on the top of the page. He was all upset and started in - non coherently - saying that "they" will come in and take all the stuff and our name will be on that....and on and on. He also included a book and 2 coasters in stuff I had to get rid of. He just kept going on and on about it. I took him to the shredder and put the note pad through but that didn't satisfy him. On top of that he refused to brush his teeth and instead spread toothpaste all over the counter! He was getting more upset by the minute so finally I just said GO TO BED and walked out of the room. After about 10 minutes he calmed down and took a shower before going to bed but still refused to brush his teeth. Not sure if keeping my mouth shut would have helped but may have shortened it. You are right on Joan. It's just reminding myself that my reactions cause more reactions from my DH.