Yesterday I took my hb to his doctors appt. regarding his diabetes. His guardian was present at the doctor's office. We were aware he was going to be there but my hb can't stand the sight of him and embarrasses me in front of the doctor and his guardian making rude comments to his guardian and telling him to shut up.
Last week my hb mailed a motion to the judge to remove his guardian stating he is capable to taking care of himself and giving himself his own insulin, which is far from the truth. In order to bring my hb home from the facility the court ordered that I administer his insulin three times a day. This is a daily arguement with my hb, he hates that someone has to give him insulin.
Anyway on our way home from the doctors office all hell broke loose. We had the worst argument, he was cursing at me, and yelling because I told him I would not support him in court regarding his motion or giving himself insulin. I am so sick and tired of going over this issue day after day. I couldn't take it anymore yesterday so I just let everything out. I told him he was never going to get rid of his guardian or administer his own insulin and that he had to accept it and move on. I don't know if I can do this anymore, taking care of him at home. I am so worn out. The worse part is that he goes into our sons room and cries on their shoulders regarding our problems. I hate that he does that. Any good advise. HEPL!!!
1.If you are taking care of your husband, why is there a court appointed guardian?
2.Remember, you are trying to discuss his insulin issues in a rational way with a person whose reasoning button is broken..he does not understand this and going over it just won't help.
3. Talk to his doctor about the insulin..my hubby is on insulin too. It was stick the fingers 4 times a day for glucose readings and then Insulin injections 4 times a day. It was not working...I told the doctor something had to change..I can't always be present when it is time for the meal time dose...I was juggling too many balls at one time and it does not work. He put my hubby on Victoza ( which is not an insulin but is a product used for obese people who can't lose wt to decrease appetite but it also helps balance blood sugars) and Lantus long acting. So now he takes the Victoza once a day in the morning along with his Lantus and at night another Lantus and it works out well. I think there is more than one way to deal with this but the doctor has got to understand the memory impairment issues and be able to work with you.
4. Others have discussed the behaviour problems with their spouse and perhaps there is a medication that would settle him down..
My hb is on lantus once in the morning and than at night. The doctor knows about his short term memory. My hb's guardian is still court appointed b/c he's only been home since Feb. 2011. We plan on changing the guardianship to me but my hb refuses to any kind of guardian. This is the problem. He is very stubborn and is not willing to compromise. It's his way or nothing. I'm about to give up having him at home. Last night he told my son that he couldn't stand living with me and today he does not remember anything of what happened yesterday. It's hard for me to just smile and pretend nothing is wrong. I'm tired of being beaten down by him. He was exactly like this before we remarried last year in order to get him on my medical plan. That's why I divorced him in the first place, he's very narcassisstic. It's all about him period.
and sorry to say the narcissistic part will probably only get worse as the disease progresses. it is very hard to keep them home even when they arent mean hateful and uncooperative.-- unless you are willing to medicate him you may not have a choice. sometimes if the dr has given them a script for meds to calm them down, we as spouses have to come up with creative ways to get it into them. and not always upfront and them knowing about it. its sad but we have to be willing to do what it takes to keep them calm and easy to manage. at least the guardian would know that you gave it a chance but werent able to handle him. it may be better to place if you have kids at home who are going to have to deal with his antics and rages soon enough..
A narcassisstic and controlling person gets much worse with this disease...Much worse.. DH was, but I looked over it.. Now its all about him and trying to explain why I feel about life's little issues is fruitless..they don't understand ......I share your comments...It hurts so much, we are, after all, wives or were.... Now we are to take whatever they dish out, keep our wits about us, smile and be absolute saints.. Well, I've not graduated to that degree of goodness ,, yet... This does not mention his attitude about every little thing in this wide world.. I can say a pleasant good morning and I swear that man will jump down my throat...2 minutes later, he's forgotten and I'm still hurting... Anybody know how to change being human????? I'm still thinking about running off with the milkman??????
Lee, I have done a fair amount of reading about narcissists..having one in the family who if not an actual narcissist, certainly demonstrated many of the traits. The lesson learned to me was that if one is living with a narcissist it is imperative that they understand this personality and it would seem that you do. The risk for those healthy is that they lose may lose their own health in the process of being swallowed up by that personality. So it is really a sad turn of events for you that you had to remarry this man ,who treated you so badly in the first place causing the divorce in the first place, so that he would have some access to medical care. In my book this makes you a saint! I honestly think, were I in your position, I would not put up with anymore of this and if my husband were difficult to deal with, the facility would be something I would be very seriously considering. As has been said before, we do not have to allow ourselves to become victims of this disease and in your case you don't deserve to become of victim of the disease and his very difficult personality again.
Peggy, you too face a very tough road..is a facility something you can consider?
Even when the LO is not a difficult personality, this is a very hard job..You both have my admiration and have reminded me to cut out my pity parties.....
Thank you everyone for your responses. I have learned so much reading everyone's comments and not feeling so alone. I happened to pick up one of my hb letters he wrote to his brother in the last facility he was in. His brother is also very narcassistic and has a low opinion of me since I put him in his place for not helping his own brother. As I read the letter at the end he aksed his brother to call me and talk to me so we could find a way to get my hb out ot the facility. He asked his brother to put aside his opinion about me and help him come home to his wife and family. My hb said that he loved me and has never loved anyone else as much as he loves me. In all the years I have known my hb he has never told me that. I broke down in tears for writng my last comment about him. Why couldn't he have ever told me this before? I always thought he hated me. I feel like I have just been valiadated as a real wife. Just having him write those words means so much to me. All my adult life I seldom heard the word love especially directed to me. I am so emotional now, I will write back later. Thank you all.
PS: Peggy, you crack me up with the milkman. I don't even have a milkman. It was nice to have a smile even for a moment.
Lee, I might have that letter encased in plastic to protect it from the tears each time you look at it in the future. What a wonderful letter to have found and words that mean so very much!!!!!!