I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com- and read today's blog. I am looking for answers to the question at the end of the blog - Has anyone's spouse continued to appear "normal" to the outside world, even as they advanced to the point I discuss in the blog?
Yes Joan, My DH is "normal" to other people. Yesterday our Realtor came over and at one point DH had to go to the bathroom and the Realtor was saying how good he was. I told her to wait until she was around him for a week! If I get out of my chair DH ALWAYS says "Are you leaving?" I may be going to the bathroom, check my computer, in the kitchen for a drink of water or just closing the window shades. We have separate bedrooms so I don't have that problem!
BTW, the realtor came to let us know we have a buyer for the condo. The closing is 6 April...our anniversary!
Yesterday and today we made trips to the store. Neither of the drivers yesterday or today picked up on DH's VaD. Walking pretty good, talking just fine. I observed his conversations with a couple of the store personnel and a customer as well as the lady who also rode the GoBus with us and was waiting for her ride home when we had finished our business and were also waiting. Several said he looked well and sounded good. A couple of the drivers thought he was the Persanal Care Attendant (PCA) for me. He's Stage 6.
Yes, my DH is "normal" to people who don't have any experience with dementia but to everyone else he is not and even then it depends on how long they are with him. I am his security blanket, I think you are one of the first people to put a name to it(very clever and appropriate name) "verbal shadowing" I can barely move without him asking "what are you doing, where are you going, when are you coming back?" It bugs me too but I think my life saver is we sleep in separate rooms and I know that eventually I am going to have privacy( a little slice of heaven) However, sometimes he wakes up while I am still awake and wants to know what I am doing. Uggggggggggggh!!!
My DH and I have separate bedrooms too, and a blessing that is... A few weeks ago, he went thru a phase of knocking on my door at all hours... I decided that if he were well enough to do that then there is no emergency.. I learned to roll over, disregard the request and sleep thru the night. Pretty much as when our children were little, I KNEW what sounded like an emergency and acted accordingly. Recently, tho, he has started the annoying habit of picking at each and every thing I say and do.. Accusing and blaming me for everything.. He did this early in our marriage but found that it didn't get him kudos so he stopped it..BUT now, let me touch the curb with a wheel and that gets at least 30 minutes of I told you so.. AND YES, I loose it,even tho I know its the disease, it still bugs me when I am doing the very best I can for this man.. To have the little things that should make no difference pointed out to me and That runs into all the other things I've done wrong for 50 years... He remembers stuff that never happened too and makes up the rest... He looks good to others too but even they, see that he doesn't make sense in general conversation.. I have tried no conversation as well as just answering his comments... None of it pleases him.. It is as if he's tired of everything, me and family included.. Anybody have any views on this subject???? I'm ready to run off with the milk man....... Peggy
My DH looks "normal" and in short conversations can cover but can't get past a few sentences without others picking up that something is wrong. But he will not go anywhere without me. Friends came to visit and thought it would be good to take him for a ride so that I could get some rest. They weren't even out of the driveway before he started asking to go home because "I might miss him". Also, if he says he's tired at 8 and wants to go to bed (mainly because he can't tell time), I will tell him fine but that I won't be going for a while yet. I get him in bed and can pretty well guarantee that in 15 minutes he will be up and wanting to know when I'm coming to bed. If I say not for a while he will sit in his chair and watch TV/sleep until I'm ready to go. Does get suffocating but it makes you realize how scary their world is to them.
DH isn't as "clingy" as he was several months ago. At least at home he is not. He goes to bed around 6-7 p.m. and sleeps all night - one trip to the bathroom usually. So I have all my evenings to myself. He does fairly well in conversation one-on-one, with me but if others are around he gets confused. He has stopped wanting to go out for our once a week breakfast with a group from church. I know it's because he can't follow the conversation. But if we are out he wants me right with him every minutes. Yes, their world must be awfully scary. I just can't imagine.
Vickie, We also go to breakfast once a week with friends but I can see that ending soon. He was always the social butterfly while I was content to stay home. But now that I need that time out he is anxious to get home as soon as he's done eating. I think the confusion of having several conversations going on is too much for him to handle. One good thing is that he takes forever to eat!
Yes my DH has to know where I am at all times. If I'm gone for a litle while he comes looking for me. He has started an new " annoying habit "lately---reading the newspaper or magazine article out loud to me. Also in trying to tell him about something, he already knows about it or it happened the other day he says. And yes,Peggy, he tells me how to drive and ifI make alittle mistakeI definitely hear about it. I try to just agree with everything and not argue but the other night he messed up the remote and lost sattelite signal.When I was trying to fix it he was messing with the wires and cables. I started yelling at him to leave things alone and it got pretty verbal and I finally had to get our son to come to the rescue before " someone got killed".Yes this AD we are going through is a new adventure every day.
I can’t believe this! I was going to start a thread about this issue. My DH does the same thing that all of you wrote about. Some nights though, when he wants to go to bed before I am ready he gets UPSET that I won’t go to bed. He gets so angry. Silly me, I try to explain to him that I’m not tired & I’m not ready to go to bed. He starts saying that he thought we were husband & wife ……blah blah blah. I wish we had separate bedrooms, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. He also follows me around the house like a little puppy dog. I try to imagine his “world”. All I know is that if the situation was reversed I don’t think he could have handled me doing the things he does.
I know I am my husband's security blanket and oddly enough he knows and expresses it too. He is telling me more and more how lucky he is to have me to help him in all the things needing done.
Today was a scary day..His BP was very low..called our doctor and got him to the ER for most of the day..he was dehydrated and in the end a couple meds were suspended..made both of us happy...two less to swollow..and the good news is that tomorrow if he feels ok he can go to PT which is not stressful..just a little walking practice...
I rather think those people who tell us how good our spouse looks or acts are trying to do two things..1 make us feel like our lives are more normal ( we know better) and 2 to try and ameliorate their own discomfort..they cannot face the fact that someone they know has this terrible disease and is some way it scares them that they may have to pickup this cross someday too.
My DH doesn't do the verbal shadowing - yet. But he does tell me what I should do, what I should have done, what I did wrong, and on and on. I'm not handling it well right now. Recently I've had some side effects with my antidepressant and am in the process of switching to another. Consequently I'm depressed enough without constantly being told that everything I do or even think about doing is wrong. I have been losing it a lot lately.
As far as appearing okay to others, DH does. In groups of more than a couple of people, he doesn't say much, so no one notices anything. He's always been fairly quiet. One on one he is able to carry on a conversation about politics, because he spends most of every day watching news on television or reading about it on his laptop. He can't, however, have a conversation with me about what to have for dinner or anything else that requires a decision.
Same here! If we are both in the bedroom ready to go to sleep but I decide to go online to check email before going to bed, my wife comes out of the bedroom to join me in the 'office' to play her one game on her computer until I am ready to go to bed. I have also found it to be helpful to always say in advance where I am going whenever I leave her side for a few minutes to do anything in the house. And, to the outside world, except for possibly repeatedly asking the same questions if with the same people for several hours, most people never know that there is anything wrong. And yet, during the past few months she has clearly moved from early to moderate stage AD!
Janet,,the decision thing is big around here too. I can say, for dinner would you like chicken or steak? I get for an answer " whatever you're having" or "whatever you wan".. For breakfast, would you like your Wheaties or an egg..to that I get " I'm not hungry right now. I'll get something later" but later comes and he doesn't eat...so I no longer ask I just put something out for him. I have to watch the meds to make sure he does not dial up more insulin..that was a huge problem for a spell.. And yesterday we spent the day at the ER..He seemed ok in the morning but by 10 he looked odd and not well. I asked him if he felt light headed or faint and he said no..but he looked shaky and ashen..BP was way way too LOW..I now don't think he can describe how he feels other than to say " I feel fine, I don't hurt anywhere"..when clearly he does not feel "perky" some of the time. It is getting harder to read the tea leaves around here.
acvann, Same here..to a stranger he seems logical and just fine UNTIL you visit him often enough to realize he says the same conversation every time..and asks the same question over several times within the conversation. On Skype he will sit and not say much unless I go away..and then there are the pregnant pauses with the other person..I had thought it might be good for him to visit with some of his pals that way but they don't seem to be on skype at the same time or don't answer..so much for that idea..
Momi, at bowling the other day, my wife. Clare, had a lovely conversation with a woman who was born and raised in Colombia, South America. Clare told her how much we enjoyed our visit to her country on one of our trips to South America. She even nodded in approval at eating in the same fine restaurants that this woman mentioned as her favorites, spoke eloquently about how beautiful the country is, etc. An absolutely lovely conversation with just one minor problem ... we've never been to Colombia!! And so it goes with Clare 'fooling people' into thinking she is perfectly fine ... at least on her good days. She can 'get on a roll' and talk the way she used to talk, with no hesitations or pauses if it's a really good day. But a half hour later, she won't even remember that conversation and may become so confused and aphasic that every sentence will have those pregant pauses. AD is such a weird disease!!!
My DH has been in a nursing home for more than year. Most of the time he talks like he still working and tells me everything he did. But the other day he surprised me. Out of the clear blue sky, he said "If you die first, I want to die right away because I want to be with you always." I know he's attached to me but I was surprised to hear him say that. Even before AD, he never talked about death.