My DH has gone to the Nursing Home and I'm finding it sooo lonely without him, even though he was like he was. My heart has broken several times in the last two weeks and sometimes I feel that life is not worth living now that I'm alone. I'm 71, so I don't think there will be an "after" for me, and don't know what to do with what's left of my life. Sorry if I sound like I'm having a "pity "party, but I guess I am !
Has anyone else been so lonely after their LO has gone to the N/H, and what did you do to pick up the threads of life again. I haven't got any family support or made many friends in the last few years, with looking after DH, I just never got the chance to make friends here, all our friends we had are back where we came from a few years ago, and financially it is imossible to go back.

sylvia I'll tell you some of the things I am now doing-I mentor two kids in school-teaching reading, I visit hospital patients from my congregation, I forced myself to join several clubs in my community, go to a daily aerobics class, find women in my community who are always ready to go out for lunch, always on the look out for adult education being offered in many places. I am just about your age and live in a small town. In May-which will be a year that my dear husband left this earth I will begin to volunteer at our local hospice house. I also shop for some shut-ins. I still have days when I wonder what my place on earth is after a 51 year good marriage.

bluedaze and lmohr have given great suggestions, but I wonder if there is a difference in the ability to rebuild your life if your LO is living apart from you vs if they have already passed? Sylvia, I think about being lonely too if I have to place my husband and I don't know how I would handle being in that "limbo" position--no longer a F/T caregiver, but not a widow either. I think for some of us it can be difficult to sort out emotionally.

That's the spirit! The lonliness is real and I feel for us; but, the only answer is that we just have to get out there and go to it. It will not likely come to us because that would involve complete strangers knocking on our door asking if we want to do something or chance conversations while we're shopping.

I'm probably inside my last year before I place my DW. I realize time and again that if I want a life I'm just going to have to get outside my comfort zone and go and get involved with a few things.

There's an extensive hiking trail system around here and I can volunteer to help clean it up in the spring and other maintenance.

I might volunteer at the hospital which might be cathartic. I might also go and join a few more serious art classes and try and connect there a bit. I am definitely going to the big farmer's market regularly because it always feels alive. I'm going to set up more specific bird feeders and am going to attend more local events.
I'm also going to drive around this rich heritage area I moved into 4 years ago and start photographing buildings as a historical record. I'll put them on the internet. I will likely restart my own site and gather various useful data along with a chance to develop my writing further.

Whatever it is, if I don't get up out of my chair and get out there - they're not going to be knocking on my door.

One part active (could be walks), one part interest (some genuine connection to things that really do interest me), one part being around people regularly, and one part reaching out and connecting to other people and then a willingness to allow that to evolve.

Looks good on paper and can't be easy. I congratulate everyone who's actually doing that.

I've lost the life I had and am long down the road losing my true love. All survivors lose their spouse. All of them. Most aren't beat up like this. Wanting life though comes from inside and I want my life. It won't be with her and that's hard - but I'm being offered more life and that's good. It's going to be up to me whether I look at life only through what I've endured or screw up the courage and jump in.

Sylvia, you don't sound like a pity party. This is hard. The lonliness is real. Try and find something to attend as a starter. Is there a pot luck supper group? Is there a community group that can help you find out what's available? Church bazaar? Local theatre? Salvation army? Red cross? Animal shelter? Library? Find something to attend as a starter.

(sorry I always take so long to say things)

MarilynMD, yes there is a difference. My first husband passed away. You get to the point where you know that it's only you . Just recently I had a server at a restaurant I always go to refer to me as "single". I resened it quite a bit and informed her that I am not "single". Even tho he's in a NH, I feel very much like he is still my husband. Yes, it's just me here at home but I know I can go and hug him and hold hands with him anytime.

Many thanks for the replies and it is different, I imagine when your LO passes than while he is still alive and in a H/H, you are on your own but not single. Today I asked if I could volunteer at one of our local charity shops, but have to fill in the forms etc. and wait to see if they need me. I agree that I must get out and join a couple of organisations, which isn't easy as I'm naturally shy, it was DH who was the front guy and never shy to do anything. Like Nikki, I don't want to go on without him, but we have no choice !! (tears )

I am understanding what the difference is between being single and BEING SINGLE. I can understand how you wouldn't know just how to act.

Pris, look on Joan's Home Page for the book by Anne Davidson entitled "A Curious Kind Of Widow". You'll love the book. It shares her walk with her husband, a well respected college professor who has Alzheimers' through the years at home, placing him in a NH, her adjustments - and trials in learning how to be a married widow ...

It's one of my favorites...I bought ten copies after reading it, and just looked to see if I had one left and I do not. I would have sent it to you. I gave my copies to several friends in my support group - and asked that they pass it forward when they finished.
Nancy B*

I have been unlucky enough to strike a shut down due to a gastric bug ever since DH entered the N/H, so it's been a double whammy for both of us, me not being able to visit him. Also, I'm very doubly upset tonight because I was practically promised a bed at the N/H here (the one he's in is 1/2 hrs away), and due to a Dr. who didn't know him ordered a drug called risperidone which caused him to have nasty effects. I felt that something was wrong, just talking to him on the phone, so I asked was he put on a new drug,and I nearly fell off my perch when they said that drug.2 days he was on it,he was hallucinating, noisy and they said violent , so without meeting DH,the ACAT worker put in a bad report (which is not allowed without meeting him face to face), now,my DH is the most meek and mild man. Since he got the Alz. he has become quite childlike, friends and family who rang tonight to see if we got the bed, fell about laughing when they heard that he had been described as "violent",and it would have been funny if it hadn't meant so much to me to have him here close. Tomorrow I will go over and sort the DON and the ACAT worker, I feel like a mother whose child has been wrongly punished and I'm after their blood !!

I found out today that the ACAT member didn't write a bad report, it looks as if a wrong (NAME) ACAT report was faxed down to Melbourne to head office. The Health Department was moving into a new building on that day, and the person who rang me to say it had been sent, said that they were in a mess as it was moving day, so we are thinking that the wrong report was sent, as it didn't relate to my DH at all. I will endeavour to get to the bottom of the matter tomorrow. I was devastated to day when I saw DH for the first time in two weeks, he seems to have shrunk ,so fragile and the little sight he had has gone, they think the move to the N/H may have caused that. I am so sad that I can't manage him at home, I feel as if I have let him down, but he walks all day and most of the night, is blind, poor hearing,and so frail - if I take him out of the N/H and can't manage, I've burned my bridges. He was upset and frightened that a male nurse was bullying him by pushing and shouting at him in the shower, really frightened, so I told the DON and she promised to remove him (the nurse)from the ward. I'm so teary tonight and so sad that I'm not there to advocate for him all the time. DON is Director of Nursing ( old matron) and ACAT is aged care assessment, without an ACAT one can't get any government help with the cost of N/H or gain admittance to one. I guess from what I've read on this site, we are lucky in that unless you have quite a bit of money, the government here in Aussie.pays the cost of the N/H, if that is any consolation !

Sylvia, I am very glad you were finally able to see your husband. I am hopeful that with your presence he may rebound some. The transition is hard, harder for us I do believe. I do not know anything about Australia laws, but here if that nurse was indeed pushing and shouting at your husband he would charged with elder abuse and hopefully jailed. At the very least he would have been fired not just moved to another ward. Lynn often said things at first about the aides and nurses, but I knew they weren't true. I bathed him myself for the first few months he was there and I was also there most of the day. For him it was just another part of the disease. I am hoping that is what the case is with your husband. I truly hope and pray he was not pushed and shouted at!! I would not be able to tolerate that and I would be pushing some people back!

Chirs, I know it will do no good to tell you not to feel you let him down...... I think this is a normal feeling we all go through. What helped me a great deal was to repeat to myself daily that I love Lynn enough to want what is best for him. We place our loved ones with love in our hearts and their best interests in mind. Try to remember that ((hugs)) I am sorry you had a sad day today... it is so very difficult..... ((big hugs of understanding))

I, too, placed my DH in a NH recently..Last Friday. The weekend was heartbreaking, terrible for both of us. The last couple of days, tho, my DH is clear-eyed, alert, scooting all over in his wheelchair, not staying in his room, interacting jokingly with staff and he seems CONTENT.
We are having a care meeting this morning with all staff, so that will be interesting.
Isn't it funny that our happiness is tied directly to how our spouses are?

sheltifan

Sheltifan, I am very glad to hear your husband is adjusting so well and quickly! Content, and already tooling the halls in his wheel chair, what a blessing! It took Lynn months to transition. I also agree with you, my happiness is very much tied to how Lynn is doing. His smile still has the power to light my world ☼ Good luck with your care plan meeting.

Sylvia, it is so very hard. Placing Lynn was the most difficult thing I have ever done as well. To this day, there are still days when it is all I can do to not scoop him up and run for the closest exit. When your Neil transitions, and he will, your heavy heart will lighten some. Get yourself some much needed rest and i hope you find peace that you are doing the best thing for your husband. ((hugs))

iTS so terrible that these poor souls can be so frightened by uncaring and resentful people who are in the wrong jobs.

Yes, I have watched my hb turn into a fearful child. Small things upset and scare him, he needs a lot of reassurance that everything is fine. Outside stimuli are now interpreted by him as negative, I guess because he is so confused in general.

today was once again a good day, and I spoke to the social worker as i left, a little teary I admit, and she said to me how my time at home in the evening must be so difficult. I have to admit, now that he's not here, it's such a relief to be without the stress..... OMG I must be the worst person in the world, but the evenings are just fine. I can watch what I want on TV, I can go out to dinner, I can quilt, I can be on the computer.... It's just such a relief not to have to entertain him from the time he comes home from day care until bed time, and after, because he can't sleep. And, he's always sorry when I leave, but I tell him I have to go back to work.... and he 's ok with that.

oh Chris, please please don't feel that way!! You have fought a long extremely taxing war that we just can't win. There is nothing wrong in calling in some back up troops. You have done your best, and now you know that the best thing for your Dick is to get around the clock care for him. You love him enough to do what is best for him!! That my friend takes an immense amount of courage and strength!!! That he has adjusted so quickly is truly a blessing. It is BECAUSE he is content and having good days that YOU are able to.
((big hugs of undestanding))