My husband was diagnosed with MCI last July. His condition has slowly but steadily progressed since then. He was supposed to follow-up with the neurologist in October, but we had decided against the medications, and for several reasons did not want him to return to that particular doctor. We had agreed when he went back, it would be to Georgetown Memory Disorder Clinic where they are experts. We were going to give B12, Focus Formula supplements and reducing stress a shot and see how things went.
My husband is now back in full blown denial.
I tried as casually as I could to nudge him into making an appointment at Georgetown. He was absolutely refusing and claiming he is no worse than he was 2 years ago.
I pointed out that he was supposed to follow-up with the neuro, that the neuro-psych report had said that he should follow-up with neuro-imaging to determine the cause of his MCI. He still refused.
I pointed out that in the last week he had almost crashed a car, and on another occasion was going to turn the wrong way onto a one way road with 3 lanes. I pointed out that he was throwing bills away. I pointed out that he was walking out of restaurants with ketchup bottles. I pointed out that for months he told me he couldn’t wait for a year to be up so he could go back and redo the neuro-psych tests to prove there was nothing wrong. Now he’s claiming he was only “considering” that; he had never said he would definitely to do it.
I told him that he has problems, it’s a fact, and that denial is not going to make them go away. I told him I did not want him going out and killing himself in a car wreck. I told him it’s not fair to me and his children to ignore this. I told him that maybe he should be taking the medication the neurologist had prescribed and if we go to Georgetown they can give a second opinion.
It does not matter what I say. He is flatly and nastily refusing to go.
What am I supposed to do?
I can tell you one thing. I am not feeling very understanding right now. I am furious!
This is a difficult time for you. I know, I've been there. Other than asking your doctor to discuss this with him - and right now, it doesn't sound as if your husband would do that - you're left with handling the situation as best you can and protecting yourself where you can. Things will change and opportunities will present themselves. A helpful article to read is on Joan's home page. I'll look it up and post its title.
It's called "Understanding the Dementia Experience" by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller, B.A., R.N., M.Sc.N. You will make it through this stage, Mary 22033. Be as kind as you can be to yourself and know that you can't reason with him. It's not your lack of persuasion or his stubborness; it is the disease: his brain has lost the ability to reason.
Sounds like an immediate first is to get the car keys away from him. You could talk to the doctor and maybe have him report your husband at which time he would have to prove he can still safely drive or you could report him. Maybe hide his keys if that is not an option.
we have had many topics regarding the driving issues. at some point we as spouses must make the call to take the keys from an impaired spouse, especially once you see obvious danger signs. he has a diagnosis of mci in his files, if he hurts someone the liabliity is upon your shoulders at this point. its never easy to accomplish taking their independence from them but to keep someone else safe besides yourselves is imperative now. you seemed to have missed the boat by not starting the meds when first diagnosed. it may have helped him, maybe not. now you must start from square one again and with him in a more non compliant mode. we have all had to make these decisions however difficult they become. a call to his neuro and explaining the driving situation and your fears may set the ball turning. ask him to send a letter to your spouse to come in for his annual review and then from there you can decide if you want a referral to a specialized facility an dor dr. i think its now or never to get DH on medications. they help paranoia, and behaviour issues as well as cognitiive abilities. there are many other posts about ways to get spouses to drs appt. i hope you find a way and act on the driving asap. divvi
I agree with the above posters regarding addressing the driving issue asap. Also, your post said that there was a recomendation for neuro imaging to determine the cause of the MCI. I'd like to elaborate on that a little. My husband was dx with MCI and had a brain MRI. The reason was to determine the cause and to see if it was treatable. MCI can be caused by the onset of AD (as my husband's was) OR it can be something treatable--like normal pressure hydrocephalus (NPH), which in layman's terms is "water on the brain". If it is NPH, there are several methods of treatment which should be done asap because it may stop further damage, but won't necessarily correct any damage that has already been done. So there is an element of timing involved and it is foolish to let his condition worsen without knowing whether anything can be done to help. I think saying the appointment is for you (and giving the clinic a heads up on the situation via email prior to the appointment) would be a good idea.
those of you in earlier stages make sure you get a hippa form signed by your spouse for EACH dr they have. naming you as a person that the dr can discuss health issues with. otherwise many drs wont talk to you without it , and it becomes necessary once they are progressing in the disease.
Mary I know this is so hard and most of us have been there. It is kind of like "tuff love" with a teenager. YOU are in charge and you have to take charge and assume all responsibility to do what is right.
I refused to ride in the car or truck if he was driving. When he saw I was serious he quit driving. I did explain to him that it could be financially terrible for us if he had an accident . Everything we had worked for could be gone in a minute.
If I were you I would make an appt. for where ever it is you want him to go...then I would tell him he is going and if he doesn't go you don't want to be responsible for his care and you will be making an appt. with an attorney to discuss your options.
Of course, you don't really do this but you make them think that you are going to take actions. The main thing you have to do is take control. It is for their good and your good too. You can't keep putting your head in the sand. And, the medications help so much in most cases but time is so important to get them early.
This is such a difficult situation but I am a believer that many doctors tell the younger ones that it is MCI instead of AD just to ease them into their condition without using the word Alzheimers. We all are here for you and we alll know how difficult this is.
He should not be driving. If he has an accident and injures someone YOU are liable as said above. I would also add to divi's post that you must make sure you have signed hippa forms for his medical insurance companies as well - both for medical and mental health. The insurance companies won't talk with you without them either. Good luck during this very difficult time.
Marilynn, NPH was ruled out with CAT scan in May 2009. We are well beyond that. He has had the 5 hour neuropsych tests and they confirmed his cognitive impairments.
I absolutely will never get behind the wheel of a car with him again, or allow my son to. But as others have pointed out - I also have a responsibility to the rest of the population.
With the events of this last week, I have removed my head from the sand. The problem is my husband is in total denial, has been since day one. He had a brief period of acceptance back when he got copies of the neuro-psych testing results. But it didn't last - you see the B12 has cured him!
I'm considering telling him what this is doing to our teenage son. It was his accusing our son of stealing money that originally made him got to the neurologist in 2010. When he realized he had repeatedly believed in his own mind that 5 twenties and 1 ten equals $150, and that confusion in his head had caused him to falsely accuse our son - he made the appointment. I will post a conversation I had with my son last Friday. Please keep in mind that my son has handled this beautifully up until now. He has become gym buddies with his Dad, taken up a sport he hates (golf) to spend time with his Dad, etc. But he has finally reached his breaking point:
[Names have been changed to protect the innocent] After my husband stepped out of the car to pick up some carry out from a restaurant, my son said, “Wow! What a dumb ass!”
Me: Mark! Do NOT refer to your father as a dumb ass!
Mark: Why not? What else would you call it?
Me: Mark, your father is not a dumb ass. He has a medical condition.
Mark: He is a dumb ass, Mom. I’m sorry that you’re in denial and can’t admit it. But he is a dumb ass!
Me: Stop that, Mark. That is disrespectful.
Mark: If someone pays no attention when driving – what do you call them? A dumb ass! If someone walks onto a basketball court in the middle of a game – what do you call him? A dumb ass! You want me to go on? He’s a dumb ass, Mom. It’s a fact.
Me: Mark, a dumb ass is someone who has a fully functioning brain and is not using it. That is not the case with your father. His brain is not functioning. He has a brain disease.
Mark: Yeah, right Mom…
My husband reappeared from the restaurant, so the conversation ended.
I am still in shock. And in so much pain. I know my son was speaking out of frustration, embarrassment, and feelings of neglect. It must be so hard for him when 90% of the time he addresses his father, he gets no response. When he has to monitor his father when his father is behind the wheel, though he is just learning to drive himself. (At least those days are over. I am never allowing DH to drive either of us again.)
My son is normally kind and understanding, but this condition has left no room for that. All of the negative emotions have crowded the kindness out.
I should sit my son down and have a heart to heart. And I will. But right now I am too furious over DH's refusal to see a doctor – I’d have to agree with my son. I hate to say it, but DH IS acting like a dumb ass.
I was going to say that your doctor could talk to your husband about the driving issue. Ours did. After he had explained to DH about the risk of losing all financial assets if he were in an accident, he said, "But I could arrange for you to have driving assessment and tests. Would you like me to set that up?" DH declined and that was the end of the driving problem. So the trick is to get him in to see his doctor. Maybe he would feel less threatened if it were his family doctor to start with. One small step at a time. As for your son, could you have the counsellor in his school be brought into the picture? I'm thinking his grades are going to suffer, and he is going to be torn up by this unless he gets an outside professional intervention. His dad's illness could turn him into a super compassionate person if you had such outside help. Just because we're moms, sometimes mine used to automatically discount what I had to say, just to assert their independence.
Your son needs some AD education ASAP. It can come from a non threatening source - his own peers. Go to my home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and look on the left side for the box that says AFA Teens. It is a website by teens of parents with AD, and offers information and support as no adult can give. Look it over yourself, and then give him the web address. Being a teenager, he will probably refuse, but most likely when you are not aware, he will log on himself.
There is also a section for teens and children on the Alz. Assoc. website. http://www.alz.org/living_with_alzheimers_just_for_kids_and_teens.asp
Thanks Joan, I will share the latter link with him (the other one I think would be too depressing). It is heart breaking because up until recently, he has been very understanding, he knows his father cannot help what he does, he is very patient with him, etc. But out of the blue - he snapped. He is having Lacorsse try outs this week, so maybe the stress of that, combined with a rough week of behavior with his Dad just put him over the top...
Mary, This is a quote that was posted on this board that helped me so much I copied it and put it on my computer home page:
There is something wrong with his memory and reasoning button. I don't have to disable mine so he will be happy. That isn't smart thinking.
This helped me keep things in perspective. I cannot remember who posted it...but I thank them.
You now have to be your DH brain, for everyone's saftey. This is a hard time in the AD journey when you realize your opinion and reasoning must be the primary opinion. I had a hard time giving up the idea that I could reason with my DH. Also, as time goes on he may agree with you, and then promply forget it...very frustrating! This stage is very hard because we are used to making joint decision that are mostly now a thing of the past.
Thanks Grannywhiskers. I will post that somewhere that I can be reminded everyday.
I have sent DH an email - so that it will be in writing, right in front of his eyes. It contains a big dose of worry, sprinkled with guilt. If he reads it and still doesn't make an appointment, the reasoning button is definitely shot! Here is what I said (with personal info redacted),
DH,
We have been planning for you to go to Georgetown for your one year follow-up; I am sorry if you do not remember that.
I would like you to consider what would happen if you were in a car accident - even if it was not your fault.
These are the facts that the other people will present in a law suit, and you will lose everything you have worked for all your life: In July 2010 you were diagnosed with cognitive impairments. Your neurologist prescribed medication to help. You did not take the medicine. Your neurologist recommended a 3 month follow up. You did not follow-up. You received a copy of your neuro-psych tests. This expert recommended you receive imaging tests to determine the cause of the cognitive impairments. You did not. This expert also recommended that you could benefit from taking medication. You did not. This expert recommended that you consult with the Alzheimer's Association. You did not. This expert stated that you may not always recognize your own cognitive impairments and that poses a safety risk.
I know why we have made the decisions we have, but they will not care about that. They will only deal in facts.
I was perfectly content to continue on with our heads in the sand, but not after two separate driving incidents in one week. It doesn't matter what perfectly good explanation you have, the bottom line is: if you are in an accident - no matter who's at fault - we will lose everything.
You said on the recent Valentine's Day card that you love me. If you love me and our children, and yourself, you will make an appointment. I would never forgive myself if something were to happen to you because I advised you not to take medication that you should have been taking.
Here is the contact information for making an appointment at Georgetown: ********* ********** ###-###--####
I love you, DH, but your refusal to follow-up is literally killing me (from stress). If you do make an appointment, please let me know so I can get some sleep.
Mary--Your email is logically presented and I'm sure it would make an impression on someone who is not suffering from an organic brain disease. What will you do if he does not act on it? My husband, who was the most level-headed person you've ever met (and a CPA) told me he would drive without insurance after dx (that was in response to me telling him the ins co would no longer carry him on the policy--a fiblet--I thought it might work). In the end, most of us have had to resort to some form of fiblet or to get the doctor involved in curtailing driving.
As others have said: driving must stop. I asked hb's gp to write a letter to BMV, and she did one better. She wrote a script for evaluation through the dept of phys therapy at our hospital. They are the agency here who give cognitive, reaction time, range of motion tests to individuals. Hb failed. Results were sent to state BMV, and hb was sent a letter with results and statement his license was revoked. I told him I'd take him wherever he wanted to go. Now, he can't tell me where he'd like to go, but he's happy to go anyplace I'm driving.
Also, you MUST take care of legal matters now if you haven't; contact an elder care attorney for latest and greatest requirements in your state. Durable power of attorney, medical poa, living will, etc., etc.
Logic usually won't work but if his impairment is not that bad this may get through to him. My DH will not, nor has he ever, admitted that even the slightest thing is wrong. Had to have the Dr. contact the state to pull his license.....not a pleasant thing. But at least now others are safe. All I could think of was that he may kill or maim someone and I would be responsible because I knew he shouldn't be driving. He still will get extremely frustrated and angry about not being able to drive and wants to take the test. I just hand him the book to study and I don't hear anything again for months!
Oh Marilynn, I certainly hope I will not have to figure that out and that DH will make the appointment. I think the email has a good shot, since my husband has an obsession about his savings - if he thinks they are at risk, it should motivate him.
He almost never drives now - I've been doing the driving for a few years (since I first suspected he was having issues) - so its not like a constant battle. The recent incidents occurred when I was dropping my car for service and he followed to take me home, and another occassion when I foolishly allowed him to test drive a new car my son was buying (just a 5 minute trip - what could go wrong - now I know!). I will do everything in my power to keep him from behind the wheel; this last week has opened my eyes. When I think about him having those 2 incidents when he drives so little, it really puts it into perspective.
Thanks for the info, Zibby. I guess if DH doesn't comply, our family physician will be my next stop...
And Phil4:13, I will certainly file that away for future reference - I love it - go study & let me know when you're ready :)
In many ways I think you can compare a spouse with AD to a spouse who is an alcoholic...denial, denial. I think many of the women whose spouse has AD have a difficult time with taking charge.
When my dh refused to do what I knew was best for the both of us I had to threaten to leave. I would tell him how much I loved him and I wanted to help him and be there for him...however, if he refused to do what I knew was best for him and me...then I would just have to leave because there would be no point in ruining two lives.
Since you have children at home getting in control of the situation is even more important. You might be able to use this as a means of convincing him of the damage he is doing to the children by refusing treatment, driving, etc.
Even if the DH doesnt understand the letter or the actions you are asking, i think as the mother of the kids its imperative to see how this is affecting their well being -whether the husband is in agreement or not. as a parent and not only as a spouse, we have obligations to our kids that they grown up in an atmosphere free of guilt aggression and in nurturing and loving home environment. its for this reason alone; many see fit to place spouses earlier if they are not willing to comply with meds/drs visits, and general well being for the rest of the family. its sad yes very sad but sometimes the kids come first too- especially if we try all the normal routes to get help for our spouses, and they dont give us a choice.
Hi ALL, It's been a few days since I've posted.. Since then, DH has had sever pain in his knee..We have decided to have knee replacement...in April..... So this week, I have interviewed rehab centers, checked the coverage of his insurance and have been enlightened beyond belief...Most of the centers are telling me that DH may NOT be the same when he comes out of surgery..In that he will be more agitated than ever..and that it'll take a while to come out of it... What do you, my friends, know about this??? He has "almost" passed the driving issue, has the attitude of a rattlesnake and overall denial on everything.. In his mind he has the body of a 30 year old, mentally competent, does not have cancer or macular.. NOW, THAT'S denial..I have no idea what stage he's in..He changes so fast,in and out, that I choose to live moment by moment.Oh, and yes, one quack dr. gave him 3 B-12 shots.. DH thought that was going to allow him to leap over tall buildings(his words) Trust me, they wasted the shot... If I'm on the wrong thread, forgive me ... I just needed to hear from you... Maybe I just need reassurance that I'm doing something right... Not an easy journey, not fun for any of us.. Thanks for being there for me Peggy
Any anesthesia for our loved ones is difficult because they do not recover from the effects easily and usually get worse. Have they tried giving him injections. There is a series of 3 injections (the name escapes now but someone will come up with it) which can ease the pain. I would avoid surgery if possible.
My DH had a total knee replacement in 2006. He was in early stage 5 at the time. I was lucky to find a surgeon who was familiar with the ill effects of anesthesia on Alz patients. He performed the surgery with an oral sedative and a nerve block. DH came through with no bad effects. The doc also made arrangements for physical therapy in our home so I wouldn't need to take him out three times a week. The only thing used for pain after surgery was tramadol which does not have the unwanted effects of narcotics.
Mary, This transition stage was the hardest for me. Every time I would try to reason with him he would get so mad...he would call his son and tell him to come get him because he was divorcing me. Thank God my step-children are very supportive of me.
You feel so disrespectville. but there is nothing else you can do. He also was a CPA and very protective of our assets...BUT...he still knew best! Our brains need to adjust to not being able to reason with DH. It was during this late reasoning stage that my husband started getting very aggressive! It was very hard to take charge of all of our assets that is so hard for a CPA to give up. I think this is also part of the denial...I'm fine...it is the rest of the world that is wrong.
Mary, One more thing. Early in my DH journey he lost the ability to understand what he read. then could only read a limited amount. He truly may not be able to understand the message in your email. I kept casually testing his reading comprohension by asking him to read something for me and gauge his understanding. I know, I am just a bundle of joy right? :)
Well, I just had a 10 minute argument on the phone with my DH.
You all are right. You CANNOT reason with them.
And I pointed that out to him. His insistence on not going for follow-up just highlights his cognitive impairment.
One minute he's saying he only had problems on the neuro-psych tests because the lady made him nervous with that clock thing and it all went down hill, but only because the clock thing had rattled him. Those tests don't prove anything. There is nothing wrong. The next miunte he's saying that he's doing better since he's been taking his vitamins. Well if there was nothing wrong - how can he be doing better?
And on, and on, and on. He actually said, anyone coming to that road, seeing three lanes would never know it was one-way. Sorry dear, the big red signs that say DO NOT ENTER are a dead give away to anyone else. And the fact that you have driven it 50 times before should have given you a clue.
He is flatly refusing to go for follow-up. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!
I'm going to speak to his brother and if his brother can't convince him, I guess I have no choice but to report him to our doctor as a driving risk. I hate this!
Thanks friends.. This site gives me more hope and information that the doctors do.. I've made notes from your posts and will discuss them with his surgeon... But on a positive not.. This last week I have interviewed 5 Rehab centers...I am being blessed.. These professionals are reliving the majority of responsibility from my little shoulders.. With each one, I have left with assurance that every detail is THEIRS now, not mine... Being treated with kindness and appreciation for the brain I still have is rare around here and when these professionals,take charge, take time with me and so much more, I have to say that many times I've just "lost it".. I've been so strong,, Had to be, you all know how that is. and then to know that my Medigold pays for a bunch of it and that these people are lifting this responsibility from me , at least til I get him home, then they automatically have home care come 7 days a week to continue therapy... Here's what really touched me... Today, the lady said," Peggy, NOW would be a good time for you to go somewhere and do something for yourself". Another said "WE'll take care of him, this is YOUR time".. We hear all the time, that we, as caregivers MUST take care of ourselves... but in looking around we ask" How the heck can that be?" Hiring someone is expensive so we do it ourselves.. So when I get over the shock, I think I WILL get out of Dodge... Somebody DOES love us after all..All of those N'H's I visited have assured me they are reserving a bed for him...I just need to make the final choice.. will do that today and lay that matter to rest too.. Thanks for your advise and no doubt, your love and care. I feel much better today, Might toss back a vodka lemonade to celebrate my small victory.. I say small, for I know there will be more to cope with later....... Peggy
One amusing thing,my DH, casually stated today that he would instruct the surgeon about placement of the foley catheter.. I almost laughed out loud.... DH is controlling and argumentative, not to mention the inability to make sense on any subject... short fuse and all the rest.. yes, no reasoning must fit in there somewhere... It will be with much interest to see how he performs the surgery himself????? Our laugh for today... Word to everyone.... LAUGH, smile, do whatever you have to do to retain your self worth.. Peggy
Mary, You probably have already thought about what I am about to say..but, just in case you haven't you do probably need to consider the following.
1. The dr. may not want to do anything just because you request him to do something without seeing your dh first. You might want to request that the dr. send a letter to your dh and request that he needs to come in because you are concerned about his driving and he needs to re-check him. Of course your husband probably will refuse and will be mad as hell at you. I really don't know what your options would be if that happens.
2. You might want to contact the state driving commission, whatever it is called in your area and explain the problem to them and ask what is the best way to handle the situation...or call your local Auto Club...or call the Alzheimer's association in your area for advice
3. If in the end they pull your dh's driving license...how will he get to and from work?
4. You also may want to contact an elder attorney to know your various option. It is very common for AD persons to do very strange things with money and finances without the spouses knowledge. My dh has probably hid at least $1,000 that I will never know where it is..I know he didn't spend it. I once found $400.00 in the back of a stud finder.
This is such a difficult situation. This is also why it is so important that he be on medication that can control some of his behavior as well as delay him from getting worse.
I have thought more about this, Judith, and realize if he needs to be reported, I will have to do it. And yes, that will go over really well! But what choice do I have? Can you imagine if he went out tomorrow and totaled a minivan full of children? I am sick with worry about this.
My DH does not drive to work. He works 99% of the time from our basement - one of the reasons I think he has been able to hold on to his job (though I know there have been job related issues). He's in sales; he makes phone calls. Occassionaly he does have to travel 90 minues to his company HQ.
I'm not worried about the financial stuff. Thanks to good advice here, I've got that under control. I have every penny, account, etc. on a Quicken DB which I check daily. That's not to say he couldn't do something, but I would know right away. And we have had enough bad judgment calls by him in that area, that he is at the point where he will not make any financial decision w/o consulting me. Of course, we all know that could change tomorrow...
I've thought about calling the Alzheimer's Association. But what are they going to be able to do? Come over and talk some sense into my husband? Impossible. I understand that now. He wants me off his back. He needs a break. He told me that when he was diagnosed with MCI, he could only score 8 on his computer memory game, now he scores 22. Silly me, clearly he's all better! Well, I guess I'd be willing to go with that, if he stays seated at his computer, and does not get behind the wheel of a car.
Thanks for letting me vent... And for feeling my pain....
I've thought about going to our Pastor; my husband has a lot of respect for him. But I think if I did, I would just sit and cry and cry...
I wish I could tell him what he is doing to our teenage son, but I have promised my son I won't put him in the middle of this - so I won't. And if the logic of "losing everything you have worked all your life for" doesn't sink in, I don't think anything will.
I just had a complete knee replacement. No dementia for me as far as I know.. I asked if I could have a spinal block, which turned out very well. Ask the doctor about that for your husband. After three months I'm completely recovered, indeed was pretty much so after maybe six weeks (ask my friends who walked around New Orleans with me!) And NO PAIN!!!
I WOULD be seriously concerned about any dementia patient having general anesthesia - look up the postings on this, over and over. but the spinal is fine.
Mary--not to unload another situation on you, but get your money out of reach by your husband asap. If possible, leave a little bit that he has access to, but you are playing with fire if he is able to make any financial commitments without your knowledge. I have heard horror stories and you don't want to have to unravel potential messes with money. I know you said you can check this daily--but it is similar to the driving issue--the danger needs to be removed BEFORE the problem happens. I recognize that dealing with two of the most difficult issues simultaneously--giving up driving and control over finances--is a tall order. If you have a financial advisor, make sure that they are aware of your husband's cognitive issues and ensure that nothing your husband says is acted on without your ok.
I ditto Marilyn's comments. It happened to me and took several months ( actually, still having repercussions) and lawyers' fees to straighten up the mess. You have to be as cunning as the proverbial outhouse rat.
Mary...I am going to say something and I hope you are not offended. I think you maybe in as much denial about various things regarding your husbands condition as he is.
If you think for a minute that your husband (who has control) of your finances couldn't change that into some other account, etc. in a heart beat you are probably wrong. If he isn't now he probably will be soon in the " hide money, accounts, etc. mode" because he will believe someone is trying to steal his money.
If the above were to happen you would have just one more thing to really be worried about. This is why you need to see an elder attorney as soon as possible and get things under control with your situation. Money, driving, see a dr, and meds. are the things you need to be in control of. From what you have posted here you do not seem to be in control of any of those things. Now, exactly how you do this I don't know...but you do need to do it and please for your own good...don't wait!!
Comments like I have made are what is so wonderful about his site. Others can tell you and warn you about what lies ahead
Mary, you wrote: That's not to say he couldn't do something, but I would know right away. And we have had enough bad judgment calls by him in that area, that he is at the point where he will not make any financial decision w/o consulting me.
My husband was a top executive in a world wide company and a former diplomat. I could have written the same words you did. and let me tell you this!!!! Yes, I DID know right away after he lost $500,000 in one bad investment in a commodity account deal that years before he would never have given a second glance! I KNEW immediately, but there was not a DARNED THING I could do about it. AFTER - our Financial Advisor convinced the Broker that he was not to make any such decisions without my go-ahead. I BEG you to put some 'stops' in place before you get yourself in the situation I found myself in. I KNOW how hard it is - my husband accused me of demasculining him, of embarrassing him before all the world, and ruining his image. None of this was true, because only his Broker and banker were advised to double check with me.
I agree that many of us knew the diagnosis but were still in denial about what they can and cannot do. Money management is usually the first clue that something is very very wrong and is one of the earliest questions the neurologists ask about. It's so hard to have to take over these reins, but it's just the first of many hard things we each had to do. NancyB*
I agree w/everyone who's said YOU must have control of $$. Checking everyday is like counting the chickens every morning after the fox has visited the pen during the night. Chickens or $$ gone. Hb won't like it when he finds out, but....my hb ran up credit card debt on a card I didn't even know existed until I answered the phone call that was for him. I talked with folks at the banks, too; so they knew not to do anything without my knowledge. They knew he wasn't acting "right." Nice thing about living in a small town now (we didn't when problems began). Folks in the grocery and a couple eateries that we used to frequent knew, too. It's a new and different way to do business in a marriage, but can't be ignored. Consequences wont' be fun as mentioned in other posts.
Financial mismanagement by people w/dementia is a well-known fact within the financial community. I have read several articles lately about some governing bodies who are looking towards strengthening safeguards so that if a financial advisor/broker suspects something is wrong they will have to be more careful about following a client's requests. However, the way things are right now, if the client wants to do something foolish with their money, the vast majority of advisors/brokers will just go ahead and do it.