I need some suggestions about how to handle phone messages. We don't have a diagnosis for my hubby / dr. thinks it is likely some type of dementia but hubby won't go for testing. From reading, I think it is probable ftd. He can function fairly well on several levels but has difficulty with decision making / processing (especially multi tasking) / random memory problems / loss of in depth conversation and interaction / unpredictable reactions at times and some social awkwardness. Combine the preceding with him answering the phone and things are sometimes getting "interesting".
One day he won't answer the phone even if he is near it. Thinks it's a bother or gets annoyed with it and just ignores it. Another day and he seems to think it is his duty to screen all the incoming calls. Someone phones for me . . . he answers . . . and decides I am not available to talk and tells them to call back another day. It's rather annoying after playing phone tag with someone for several days and finally getting a call that DH answers while I am in laundry room or somewhere else in the house----and he thinks he's helped me out by saying I'm not available.
Somedays----if I've been out----he greets me right away and tells me who has called. Can't always remember any details about the call (but will tell me in great detail where he was and what he was doing when the phone rang and how he got to the phone etc etc). Another time he totally forgets that he took any message . . . might recall 2 days later that so and so called or I may only discover it when the person calls back and wonders why I hadn't phoned back.
Normally if it is anything related to finances or insurance etc he will pass the phone over to me (if I'm home) or (if I'm not home) he'll tell the person I handle all of that. But every now and again, he will take it upon himself to speak for me. Case in point: recently I had to make an insurance claim. First couple of calls and appointment went fine but ever since, it's been a case of phone tag trying to connect with the insurance person. Then one day hubby informed me that insurance person called while I was out. And he chatted with her. Told her thus and thus . . . and he hadn't conveyed information correctly. He genuinely thought he was being helpful to me. How do I tell people to please communicate with me (and not him) when hubby doesn't have a diagnosis yet that I can share with people?
Another example was an out of town friend coming to visit who called and spoke with DH. DH told me that someone else would be traveling with friend and friend would be staying with us but the other person was staying with a friend of our friend. I thought it a rather odd arrangement as other person didn't know the person they'd be staying with. Asked hubby if he was sure that was what had been said? Yes. Asked again later and hubby was adamant that he'd conveyed info to me correctly. I finally emailed our friend and asked for clarification. Sure enough, hubby had it wrong----both people were staying at the other place because our friend knew we didn't have enough room for both of them plus someone else that was going to be staying with us at the same time.
rachelle-- Before anything really goes wrong because of his "helping" do 2 things. 1. Turn the ringer off when you're not available. Everything can go to voicemail--get it if you haven't got it now. 2. Start telling everyone he's having memory difficulties which you're getting checked out. What he says and whatever message they leave may not be accurately relayed. For that reason, "Talk to me, only." It isn't really lying because you have been to the Dr. Your follow up is just delayed.
rachelle, this was one of the reasons I got a cell phone. I gave the number to the business people because DH would forget who called and why. It was okay if it was a friend because most knew he was having problems I don't answer the cell phone when I am driving, I let it go to voice mail and check it when I stop!
Just because you don't have an "official" diagnosis doesn't make it any less real. I would not hesitate to tell people he has some cognitive issues and please make sure they speak to you. Also do as carosi suggests and turn off the ringer - if you can. My phones won't do that but I have disconnected them. Cell phones are great for this and if a regular cell is too expensive just get a pay per use one.
You might want to get your dh to a doctor as soon as possible (even though he doesn't want to go) so he can get on medication. The medication may keep him at the stage he is now or at the very least slow down the progression. This is very important. Maybe you can explain this to him now while he will understand because waiting isn't going to help his situation it may only make it worse.
I agree with Jean. Cell phone is the way to go. Whenever I am asked for my phone number now, I always give my cell phone number. It takes awhile, but eventually all calls will come to you via cell phone. The only ones that go to the home phone are robo calls and solicitations.
I give me cellphone number as my contact number now. He is never home alone but if I'm taking a shower or doing yard work, I turn off the ringers in the house and take a cordless phone with me.
All good suggestions - I've gone the cell phone route to minimize the calls to the home phone. But beware - if he picks up the phone and its a sales person, he may make expensive commitments on something you don't want/need. When our home phone rings, DH always picks it up because he sits right next to it, but he cannot really identify who's calling. I've had to physically pry it from his hands because he was about to buy what the person on the other side was selling.
Regarding phone messages...I first check the caller ID to see who did call while I was out and if there is a no that is familiar I call it back to see who called and the nature of the call. Sometimes DH will get a msg but not always. If I am expecting important calls I tell them to call my cell and if I don't pick up right away to leave a detailed msg and I will return the call.
Rachelle, what kid of doc said he thinks this is some kind of dementia? Was it a neuro or a primary care doc? From what you have shared it would seem your DH needs evaluation and medication. Don't wait, this will not get better and you can benefit from treatment.
rachelle, I know people mean well when they say – get him to the doctor ASAP. BUT I know what you are up against. My DH absolutely refused to go to the neurologist after our PCP recommended that he should. It is so very frustrating to know that there is something definitely going on, but when he refuses to acknowledge that there is anything wrong there isn’t much you can do about it. I was very blessed that my children decided to take matters into their hands & arranged a sort of intervention. 3 of our 4 children & our SIL got together & talked to him about the changes they were seeing in him. When the conversation started my DH started to object, but our oldest son stopped him & told him that since they were all adults they were going to discuss this as adults & that they wanted him to listen to what they had to say. They then proceeded to tell him in a very caring way the changes they were seeing in him. Our son ended by saying that they all wanted him to see the neurologist that our family doctor had recommended. So DH said, “Well I will take that into consideration.” Then son said, “NO DAD. Mom’s making an appointment & you WILL go.” God bless my children! Anyway I did make the appointment & he did go & had a brain MRI, an EEG, blood work, all the coordination tests, memory tests, etc & the dx was early dementia. BUT like I said, I know how it is when they refuse to go to the doctor. You can’t take them there kicking & screaming. That was almost 5 years ago & he has since progressed to the point where he can’t answer the phone because he doesn’t know which button to press, but a few years ago he was like your DH as far as conveying the messages when he did answer the phone.
Cell phone is the way. If you cannot turn off the ringer on your phone - buy ones you can and make sure they are cordless. When you are home - always carry it with you. when you are not home, turn the ringer off. He will still be able to use the phone for emergency, but he will not be answering the phone - messages will go to voice mail. If you have a cell, you can have all calls forwarded to your cell - usually for a price.
Thank you everyone for all your excellent suggestions. I do have a cell phone that I've been using it just as an emergency contact number for my mother (who is in a NH) and for family members to contact me when I'm not home. We're on a limited income so the cell phone has been pay as you go. I think the time has come to look into a monthly plan so I can give number out to others----especially banking and other types of business callers. It might cost a bit more but would be well worth it.
I like the idea of turning off the ringer but not sure how workable it would be with hubby right now . . . but I may try it and see how things go. I hadn't thought about incoming sales calls . . . what has concerned me is interview calls. My hubby would never bother with such calls in the past but now he sometimes strikes up a conversation with them and I have to tell him to hang up before he starts telling them who knows what.
The couple of calls I described in my initial post above shook me because of the awkwardness of needing to get back to people and diplomatically ask what was said etc. Made me realize that this is another area that requires some adjustments. Actually when I look back I can recall some other phone situations that I should have paid more attention to. Like one from my cousin who lives out of country----hubby answered phone and was rather off the wall with some of his comments. By the time I managed to get phone from DH, cousin's first words to me were "Your hubby is sounding rather crazy today". And then hubby can have some phone conversations that are fine. Overall though things have been sliding downhill . . .
JudithKB and Mimi---it was our family dr. that thinks it could be dementia of some type. DH has other health conditions as well and there can be cognitive problems with one of those conditions. He has a referral (finally) to see a specialist about that condition and I'm hoping there will be some checking into the cognitive concerns when we go for that appointment. Hubby also has hearing problem and lately hasn't been remembering to wear his hearing aids. Think I'll likely start telling people that as my excuse to ask them to please speak to me (and not him) if there is a message to pass on or decision to be made etc.
ElaineH, thanks for sharing your understanding comments. I am not sure that our adult children would take the initiative to talk with their dad. I keep hoping that one of our friends would recognize something is amiss and speak to us about getting things checked out. I have told DH that our adult children have shared concerns but he brushes that aside. Harder for friends to see when they only spend short periods of time with us.
I also will start taking cordless phone with me as I move about our home. I already do it occasionally but hadn't thought of how much more helpful it would be to do if done regularly! Thanks to those who offered that suggestion.
ElaineH I know what you mean about getting them to the doc..my DHs doc wanted him to be tested at least 3 years before I started to get suspicious about things..DH said docs could talk to me about his health issues but they never did! I found this out when he finally did go to the doctor and when I asked questions then I found out the concern they had! Frustration is an understatement.
When my dad would balk at getting my mom in to find out what was what, I had the good fortune to know she was on meds so I suggested he get her in for a checkup to make sure the meds she was on were the right doses, taken at the right time and to check to see if anything causes conflict. That did the trick..If Rachelle's hubby is on meds maybe that fiblet would work for her.
I too, always use my cell phone as my conatct #. My husband never relays messages from his answering the home phone.
If finances are an issue, consider ditching the land line, and only using the cell. You can add a second cell phone for your husband, fairly inexpensively (usually $10/month). The key to cell phone billing is that you have to closely monitor your minutes for a few months and make sure you select the right plan (you can always change it, too). They will soak you if you go over the number of minutes you have subscribed for. We like Verizon, because you are not charged minutes for calls with other Verizon subscribers.
Don't be embarrassed to tell people that your husband is having some cognitive issues. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT OR HIS!! you can say he couldn't hear you clearly, and that's fine and probably accurate, but just don't be embarrassed about it. Chances are great that if you tell someone, they'll say, so does my dad, or who's your neurologist. It's out there with everyone!!!
briegull---It wouldn't bother me at all to tell people that my husband is experiencing cognitive problems. But until there is an actual diagnosis, I don't feel it's fair to my hubby for me to be sharing such information openly. I have shared our dr's possible diagnosis with a few close friends . . . our grown family have individually expressed concerns to me about their father's memory problems (and some have even labeled it as early onset dementia) . . . and I did share it with our financial advisor some months back.
On another note, in today's mail there was a special from a local phone / internet service provider and it is a very good deal. I'm going to check into it as my current email address is getting lots of spam and I'd been thinking of changing my email address anyhow. Am thinking I may as well change companies and with the savings (about $40 to $50 a month), I could easily afford to increase my cell phone plan.
rachelle - doesn't matter if there is an 'official' diagnosis or not, he still is cognitive impaired. but, you could just tell people that he doesn't write messages down and can't remember them or get it right (nothing new for the majority of people I think) so please call back when they can talk to you.
My DH will not answer the phone at all, he barely answers it when I am calling. I have a Panasonic phone that does everything but make coffee. It leaves a message and talks to us in the computers voice telling us who is on the phone. It also leaves a message(of course, as long as the person leaves a message) and if someone" accidently" pushes the button and seemingly delets the message it is still there if I push a different button my husband knows nothing about. It also keeps a record of the telephone numbers of everyone who has called until someone manually deletes them.