My dh has an old friend from grade school days - they have loads of history together and really love each other. I really like this man. My problem is that the friend, I'll call him George, is having a difficult time accepting dh's diagnosis. DH can carry on a pretty good conversation, especially with someone who has all that history to talk about, so he can sound almost normal. The friend tends to forget about the repeat phone calls in which dh has forgotten that he just called. So, I hear the friend on the phone with dh making waves about the fact that dh's car has been removed and he can no longer drive. I've explained to the friend aobut his lapses in vision, etc., and that dh is no longer insurable; but, I hear him stirring up the pot. Just what I need is having a lifelong pal encouraging my dh to be suspicious of my motives. Yeah, like this is what I've always wanted to do with the last good 10 years of my life. Anyway, has this happened to any of you and if so, how have you handled it?
This happened with my step dad almost three years ago. He would visit DH almost every day and spend a couple of hours talking negative stuff. Then he would leave just before i came home for lunch. He almost never visited when he knew that I would be home. I talked to him on the side and also in front of DH and asked him to try and keep his visits positive because DH would get upset and have a bad evening with me. This was around the time when I was seeing mood and personality problems with DH, but I had not figured out what was wrong yet. On the weekends, step dad would bring over the paper for DH to read as we have never suscribed to the paper. If Son was there, he would hand us the paper at the door and give a lame excuse and leave.
Finally over Easter weekend three years ago, it all came to a head. my step dad showed up on a Sunday and would not stay because he saw that Son was at our house. Son was one of the things that he would talk negative about. I met him at the door and when he handed me the paper, I would not take it and told him not to come over and bring the paper if he wasn't planning on staying and having a nice visit.
I was so tired of the negative and he just wouldn't listen and understand. So...it has almost been three years since we have seen him. Neither one of us (me or DH) regretes it. He was so draining on DH and things were a lot better when he didn't come around.
Actually, among the reasons we stopped going to the local AD support group was that during the session for people with AD, they'd all talk about who could drive, who couldn't drive, and gripe, etc. Basically then we'd leave with Jeff all freshly stirred up about why he no longer drives and why not and blah blah blah... Not worthwhile.
I'm thinking that I will call George and give him our daughter's phone numbers and ask him to call them. Obviously, he has issues with me. I'm 23 years younger than my husband and I think still after 28 years, maybe this man thinks I married him for his money. My life has gotten nothing but worse over the past year and I have no plans to run off with the money. We go nowhere without each other. I just wonder if there's any reasoning going on at all here? As if my life isn't already stressful enough. Perhaps I'll send dh over to stay with George for a month or so and see how he feels then??
I had to read your post twice to make sure I didn't write it - It is EXACTLY what happened with Sid and a friend two and a half years ago. Sid has a life long friend. They have been together since they were 5 years old, and they're 68 now. This friend happens to be my cousin. You can look up all the driving blogs from 08. A nightmare of monumental proportions. Anyway, Sid's friend tried to be "helpful" by calling insurance companies to find one that would insure Sid; by encouraging him to find ways to get me to let him drive. It got Sid more riled up than he already was, and believe me, he was a raging lunatic over the driving.
I called my cousin and explained WHY I had to stop the driving - too many near misses - and he understood, but it took his wife telling him to butt out and trust my judgement before he really stopped.
The reason was that he was then, and still is, having a very hard time accepting what is happening to his friend. He is very sad over it, and in his own way, he was trying to be helpful to his friend.
IF I wasn't going to be home I would turn off all the ringers in the house and turn on the answering machine. That way he could still call out if he needed to and I would not miss any important calls. This is why I started doing it in the first place. I missed some calls because he would not take a message and would forget about the call. When I was home I would tell the caller that he was a sleep and if he asked who called I'd say just a salesman. When he started needing constant care I would tell who ever stayed with him that when someone called to tell them they had strict orders not to let anyone talk to him while I wasn't there and to call back when I was. It is dangerous to let them talk or even answer the phone because a high pressure salesman could get a yes out of them and then you would end up with something you don't want. Same with the door. I left orders that the door be opened to no one when I was not there and for them to come back when I was. That why no one is singled out and she didn't have to to figure out who each person was.
My DH also had a friend from church who just didn't understand and after DH's license was suspended he was furious and thought that was awful and that DH should get a lawyer and fight this injustice. I was ready to kill him!!! Had to take him aside and read him the riot act. Got the "Oh, I didn't know anything was wrong" story. Straightened him out on that fact. I know it's hard for friends to accept but they aren't doing us any favors by stirring the pot!!!
I had the driving issue with my dh and his sons. My dh would always tell them I wouldn't let him drive. Finally, I told them I had nothing to do with his not driving the doctor told him he couldn't drive and if they had a problem with that to call his doctor...they never mentioned it again. (The doctor never told him anything about driving but little fibs are ok.)
Well, I think I'm a bit over being defensive and all I want to do is find a loving way to explain to George that, yes, your old friend has a dreadful disease and it is slowly eroding his ability to think and other, even more awful things will come later. I know he just can't wrap his mind around his powerful, in-charge, successful buddy suddenly not being just that. But, I can sure use his help, if he will give it. I have absolutely nothing to gain here and everything to lose.
Can't you just explain it to him the way you just said? Would it help to enlist someone who is familiar with your DH's condition to back you up? It would be so helpful to have him in your life to sit with your DH while you did errands and generally took a break.
In some states once a diagnosis of dementia is made, the doctor must report them to the DMV and their license is suspended. there are cases where they can take the test and get it back. Unless they are wise to the state laws, you can always tell people the state pulls it due to the diagnosis.
Maybe you could get a book for him to read about AD or if he uses the computer refer him to Alz. Assoc. website. But it mostly sounds like he just is not ready to accept his lifelong friend is going down this path.
I go along with phil4:3, and I would ask for George's help. I think it was Mary (Red) and lmohr who have said in the past that most people like to help, and I've found it to be true. George would be such an asset to you now and in the future in your care for your DH.
Dh's old friend was the one who convinced ME that dh should no longer be driving. We had gone somewhere as a foursome with dh driving when he was still doing it well (I thought) but the problem was when we got where we were going, there were several parking places and dh could not choose one. He was having trouble making choices, although he made no mistakes in driving. Friend convinced me later (privately) that driving is a series of choices to be made instantly, and he just said flat out that he did not want to be in the car with dh driving. From now on he would do all the driving when we went out as a foursome. From that moment I started phasing out dh's driving until the moment when the keys to his car got "lost."
DH's friend, George, lives many hours and a ferry ride away from us and cannot see him often. We have agreed to try to get together each month with us going there one month and him coming here the next. In the past when we have gone to see him, we go for the weekend and have to stay in a motel, play golf, go out to breakfast, lunch and dinner and it costs us at least $500. So, from now on we'll just make it a one day turn around. We'll still go once or twice during the summer months as long as dh can play, but I cannot continue to fork out that much money all the time.
I was thinking about how dh and I operate when we have company. Usually, he lets me do almost all the talking and I make the decisions, etc. No wonder George doesn't see any problem, he isn't seeing how his buddy cannot make a decision because I just do it for him. My dh's mother had AD and nobody even knew it until his father passed and then it became perfectly clear because her husband was no longer around to make all the decisions. I just do that automatically, but, maybe I need to try to tone that down a bit, especially when George is around. And, perhaps let him and George go somewhere without me.