My DH (59, diagnosed with MCI in July) bowls in a league once a week. There have been some indications that maybe things aren’t going so well on bowling nights.
In his summer league, DH got into a confrontation with another bowler. Bowling leagues observe a specific etiquette - you do not go up to fetch your ball, when the guy next to you is on the lane preparing to throw his. In spite of 40 years experience and repeated warnings by the guy next to him, DH just couldn't understand what he was doing wrong. The man got so angry after the 4th time in a row that he threw his own ball straight down onto the lane - not down the lane, but straight down directly in front of him. (Of course, no matter how frustrated this man was, there was no call for such a violent reaction.) As with most these encounters, DH could not see where he had contributed to this man’s unpleasantness. He was totally unaware that he was encroaching on the other bowler. From DH's point of view - there was no basis for the other bowler's reaction - the guy was just completely bonkers.
Last week, a fellow DH didn’t even know came up to him after bowling and said, “Do you mind if I tell you something?” – DH said, “No.” – other guy said, “You’re taking this way too seriously. You are never happy.” According to DH, they went on to decide it was because no one on DH’s team ever gives him a break; they are all over-analyzing DH’s every move, trying to help him improve his game. (DH often misses the main point of conversations, so that is his interpretation of what was said). I worry what DH is up to that a total stranger would come up to him and comment on his behavior. (There is a possibility the guy wasn’t a total stranger, but someone DH has bowled with for years – who knows…)
Finally, yesterday DH was obsessing about a side game his team plays where they put a dollar in a pot under certain circumstances, e.g., if you are the only player not to get a mark in a frame, etc. At the end of the season, the pot is evenly divided. DH has decided this game is unfair (since the better bowlers have an advantage) and he will not stop obsessing about it. He’s also convinced some players aren’t putting their money in when they should. It sounds as though he verbally berated the team captain about it – again. I told him it is very simple. He can inform teammates that he no longer wants to participate in this side game, and forego the money he has so far contributed and any money split at year end. Or he can suck it up and continue to participate. Those are his 2 options – he cannot continue whining about it and harassing the other players about it.
These stories are the ones DH has chosen to tell me – who knows what else may be happening.
I know one of his teammates (from when I bowled years ago). Do you think I should call him and inform him of DH diagnosis so he will understand why DH is ”not himself”? It would also allow me to ask him what he has observed and open a line of communication should DH get out of hand in the future. My only hesitation is that DH may not have disclosed his diagnosis with this group, and once I talk to this man – even if I press for him not to discuss with others – you know how people are… If DH finds out I went behind his back, that would not be good…
Of course, I am basically a coward and would just as soon ignore it all and hope DH settles down – but a little voice in the back of my head says that is irresponsible…
Mary, This is just my opinion of course but I think your DH's teammates should be made aware of his problem. Things will not get better by ignoring them and the only alternative I can see is for your DH to quit bowling on a team. Perhaps you and he could bowl one or two days a week and as you know his problem you would be able to take it in stride. Have you discussed this with his doctor? There maybe something he can take that would stop the reactions he has when someone tries to correct him. Like I said it is just my opinion. Good Luck.
I can only say what I would do. I would talk to his teammate. I would be worried that someone would get hurt if it is not taken care of. I would hate to see someone throw a punch over this. People will find out one way or the other. Right now who know what his friends and teammates are thinking of your DH and how he is acting.
Mary22033, I would call his bowling buddy and ask him what has been going in with your DH while he is with them because "he has been coming home unhappy". Maybe this will be an opportunity to find out what is really going on. If the man you speak with seems at all concerned about his behavior you may be able to mention that he is having some cognitive problems and ask him to call you if he sees anything that may be harmful or disturbing happening at bowling. It may be to the point where he has to give up league play and just bowl with a few friends occasionally.
Mary, you need to let the other men know.....believe me, they know something is wrong already and if they are made aware of your husband's limitations they may be able to make provisions to make the bowling less stressful for him. Things are going to get worse.....handling things as they come up and taking the consequences is easier than having a catastrophic situation take place.
I completely agree with Sandi*. If I were in your shoes, I would meet with a couple of the men he knows well, explain his diagnosis and WHAT IT MEANS IN RELATION TO BEHAVIOR. They need to be told specifically that his diagnois manifests itself in an inability to control his impulses, irrational behavior, and inability to reason. It is very important (in my opinion) that they are aware of what is going on, or they are going throw him off the team, thinking that he is just an &*^%$#. Once they know the diagnosis, they can, if they are willing, make some concessions for him to be on the team. Or, as phil suggested, maybe he is beyond league play, and a couple of the guys who are aware of the diagnosis and its implications, will take him bowling on their own.
In an aside, please do not take offense, but it's just my opinion that he seems to have moved beyond MCI, and it may be time for more evaluation. I say this because his symptoms mirror my own husband's in the earlier stages. We were still living up North at the time, and I had to take aside a neighbor we had lived next door to for 12 years, and explain Sid's bizarre behavior to him.
I would call the team mates or one you may know to some degree and ask about what is going on at the games. They may or may not tell you. When I first was suspicious that something was wrong I asked my DH's pals and none would tell me anything. Finally after I got him through all the doctors etc and got a DX did any of them tell me..yet things were going on and I guess they thought that since they had things under control why bother me with it...that was not helpful to me. But since you have a DX I would ask what has been going on and tell them of his condition. The truth is he may not be able to continue his sport with the team. As suggested maybe the two of you could go bowling..but there will come a time when it will stop.
Tell the team mate(s). You know yourself, it's much easier to deal with things when you know what exactly it is. Not knowing leaves you fighting shadows--or in their case dealing with the stranger your DH is becoming to them. If they know, they can be a part of a solution, one way or another. Also, agree with Joan, that added evaluation is in order.
By all means, let the team mates know what is going on..they can be very supportive so he can continue his activities....and If talking does not work, drop a bowling ball on their toes to get their attention.
I also feel his teammates should know. I bowl twice a week in leagues with my wife, and my teammates in both leagues know about her AD. I told thme about my wife a year ago when she was still in denial. Not only have they been supportive and understanding when she sometimes gets confused ... getting up to bowl out of turn, whatever ... but they are also understanding of why she may ask them the same question over and over. And if my teammates have told other bowlers, that's fine ... at this stage, it should be obvious to others anyway that my wife is, at the very least, having memory problems. I would also second Joan in that it sounds to me like he is in the early stages of AD and I, too, would respectfully suggest that you seek further evaluation.
Thank you all for your tough love. I knew what you’d say, but it helps me overcome my reluctance/cowardice/denial/etc. to hear you say it. I will call his teammate tonight.
I was determined to get DH in to Georgetown Memory Disorder clinic first thing this year (after a very unpleasant December), but then this Amyvid Pet Scan was up for FDA approval, so I am stalling a bit, hoping that will be approved, so when we do go, we can get the scan.
I think you should tell the man before temper rises and a fight breaks out. This happened to us once. I didn't want everyone to know about DH. He was in a card game. He was really messing up. The other players thought he was doing it on purpose. It was like the wild west. He was called a cheater. DH stood up and jumped over the table and a huge fight broke out. It took several people to pull it apart.
My 2 cents: I'd talk with the team. It's not helpful to DH, you or teammates not to "lay the cards on the table" so to speak. Also, new eval as Joan suggested. May be getting close to the time he'll need to withdraw from the league, difficult as that may seem. My hb eventually had to withdraw from two service organizations he was in.
I didn't want to tell any of my DH's friends or neighbors, and even some relatives, about his diagnosis. It was a matter of pride to him. He made me promise not to tell anyone. After he had some confrontations with people and some odd behavior, I had no choice. I had to defend him by telling them what was going on. Since then, the neighbors, and some others, treated him better and felt more comfortable with him and he has no idea I told them. So, my advice is to tell them what is going on. I believe it will help the others understand. But, I have to say, some people may not. We know some of them. To them, I say, "To **** with you! Your loss.
You have to understand that because of his age, the LAST thing the guys on the bowling team would think of is something like MCI or AD. Consequently, they will notice the changes in behavior and will not know what to attribute it to. We are all concerned with preserving our LO's dignity; but that has to be weighed against the potential for physical harm coming to him due to an altercation.