My wife Julie was diagnosed in January of 2006, but I realized later that this disease was making inroads well before this date. We are now in the middle to late stage, and I am dreading the thought of "The Nursing Home" It has been very painful to watch my beautiful, vivacious, darling wife "leave me" a little bit at a time. How many deaths will I endure? I have finally realized that I can no longer take care of her at home....even with in-house staffing. The placement day will be here soon. I pose a question to you....do you think that having her visit the facility before-hand is an ABSOLUTE must? What has been your experiences? Please share.
Welcome to my website. You have come to a place of comfort for spouses/partners who are trying to cope with the Alzheimer's/dementia of their husband/wife/partner. The issues we face in dealing with a spouse/partner with this disease are so different from the issues faced by children and grandchildren caregivers. We discuss all of those issues here - loss of intimacy; social contact; conversation; anger; resentment; stress; and pain of living with the stranger that Alzheimer's Disease has put in place of our beloved spouse/partner.
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Has this topic been carried on elsewhere? Not sure...but I'm interested in the question JF posed about whether your AD spouse visited the placement facility ahead of time with you or not?
I would guess that the healthy spouse would want to check it out alone, and not necessarily make the choice contingent upon the behavior or "opinion" of the AD spouse. Thoughts?
The first time my DH saw his facility was the day he moved in. He was not told where he was going and his dr gave us Xanax to give him before taking him there. Our son and DIL took him. I could not do it.
In addition, I was told to go to the medicare.gov site. there is a spot on the home page that you can click and evenually get listings o nursing homes in your area and thier ratings, from 1 o 5 stars. Obvously we all want our lO's to be in a 5 star place.
Emily--I have checked out two ALF's for respite care and was told by both to set up a time to bring my husband back for lunch. My guess is that they want to look him over, as well as seeing his reaction to the place. Haven't done it yet, but I probably will. BTW, did the same thing with my Dad a few years ago, but he didn't have dementia, so it really was to get his input.
It seems to me that it depends on how advanced the person with dementia is. It may also depend on whether you are considering an ALF or a nursing home. Maybe fortunately we looked at ALFs and nursing homes for my mother and then my sister in the last few years. When DH was diagnosed, he wanted to visit any we had not already seen. Now he thinks he knows where he wants to be when it becomes necessary. Of course, ultimately the decision will be mine at the time he needs to be placed.
This touches on a question I am struggling with right now. How do you actually DO the transfer to a NH? I am sure many ways work, but I just can't imagine driving him there and dropping him off. I did that with ALF and it was hell to see his confusion.
I am alone in NM with no friends or family.
I am going to ask his PCP if there is any possibility of a night or two in a hospital and transfer from there. Not sure medicaid looks kindly upon this anymore. I just can't see driving him there...this is a major stumbling block for me, now that the decision has been made. Any ideas?
On one of my husband's several admissions the social worker came to our house several times so husband knew her. She actually drove him to the facility. I had already set up his room. Oh how it hurt when I had to take things back home after his passing.
I placed my DW in an Alzheimer’s Care Facility on January 14th and as I feared, it was the worst day of my life. When she realized that she would be staying at the facility, she must have had a surge of adrenalin because she became more lucid, started crying and saying….. “How could you do this to me?!” “I didn’t think that I was that bad!” “I’ll be good!” “I’ll do better!”
My daughter and I left her then, with one of her regular in home caregivers to help her make the adjustment. Within an hour we were told that she was interacting with other residents and even laughing and smiling. I visit several times a week and she seems to have adjusted very well.
When I had to place DH in an ALF, I was advised by the social worker and the ALF director to set up his room before he was in the facility and not to visit for about 1 week so he could adjust. Since he was going straight from the hospital to the ALF, they had him transported by ambulance to the ALF. I'm not sure the ambulance transport was the best way for him to arrive (too much curiosity from the residents) but perhaps you could hire a transport company (they transport people with disabilities)to take him.
I did not bring DH to view the facility before admission because I knew he would refuse to kive there. It was a difficult time for him (and me) because all the residents in the AD section of the ALF were much older and further along in their dementia. He just did not fit in. Ultimately he escaped.
I have had a terrible day today as DH has gone to a N/H for respite and I am so sad and stressed. I don't expect him to come back as I realise I have reached the end of the "rope" and can't cope anymore. I seemed to just manage until he wouldn't sleep night or day,couldn't sit for any time without having to walk around, and was lost in the house all the time.I am so tired with all the stress and lack of sleep, I feel I will sleep for a month when I get over the grief of loosing him, although I lost him several years ago. He was in hospital for a couple of days with unexplained epigastric pain, so the hospital transported him to the N/H for me, I couldn't have done it myself and I haven't got any family support. It is such a sad disease, just saps everything from the victim and the carer !
sylvia--so sorry to hear what you are going through. I am glad that the transfer was done from the hospital and now you will be able to get some rest and regroup. Maybe things will seem better to you after you are rested. It is so hard when you have no hands-on help from family--I know.
Silvia.. I share your pain.. I have been checking out Rehabs with the ultimate thinking that this may well be a permanent move...He's going in April to have total knee replacement.... I'm doing it alone.DH would and could not understand some of the issues that must be covered when doing this, but when they showed me thru the Alzheimers ward and so kindly said, Peggy, you don't need to worry any more... I lost it... It's so sad.. We've been married 50 years and until 15 years ago, I had a help mate, confidant, a partner in life.. Now, I am alone and get no display of love other than what I can do for him.. No need for druthers, this awful disease is a killer for them and us..(if we let it.) I'm beginning to feel less guilty at the little things I do just for myself so you must do that to... There is a lot of guilt, wondering if we're doing enough and believe me.. those who have not walked the walk, cannot fathom what we do in a day.. So, sounds like you're on the right track...You're doing what you must do... Hold that pretty head high..
this is such a good thread. I'm in that same boat right now. I've picked out the NH he'll be going to, and the application is in. Just waiting til the doctor's report arrives, and he'll be placed. It's a VA home, and during his life he has been in so many va hospitals (war injury) that i think he'll feel comfortable there. they seemed very caring, etc, but .... I'm really nervous about it. this week my children are on vacation, so I'll probably have to bring him alone, or with a friend who offered to go with me. I'm so tired.
Sylvia, your life sounds exactly like mine before I placed my husband. It was the hardest thing I ever did. There was no reason to put him in the hospital and I had to take him to the facility myself. Thought my heart would break. I can say now that it was also one of the best things I ever did regardless of how hard it was. I think his 18 months of life in the facility were better quality than he would have had here at home. He was well taken care of and I was rested enough to shower him with love when I was with him. I feel the pain of all of you who are facing this decision.
Mnay thanks for your comments, I would like to know how long your DH was in care before you ( and he ) got over the greiving about placing him ehamilton, I'm still hurting today and they say at the NH he hasn't settled yet.
I didn't realize that placement would be so hard on me. It's taken me four months to adjust to the depression and loneliness I suffered from. I'm still lonely, but able to cope.
My heart is broken and my life has ended at 71, DH has been placed in N/H this week. It has been a terrible week for me and him, I couldn't have survived except that I still had some of DH's Zanax left over and they have helped somewhat. What a terrible time this is, placing your LO, just heartbreaking and so lonely in the house alone. The N/H has been in lockdown since the middle of the wweek due to a Gastro. wog and I can't even get in to see him. The N/H is 3/4 hr. drive there and same back, he couldn't get into the local one, have to wait until his turn - goodness knows how long that will be ! My heart goes out to others facing the same heartbreak as me.
sylvia, your heart is broken but your life hasn't ended. You will get through this. I can't give you a time frame, I just know that it got easier as time went by after Charlie went into the facility. He was well taken care of and settled in pretty easily. I am sorry you have not been able to get in to see your husband. That has to be rough. Hopefully when you do see him it will put your mind at rest.
I took my DH, Dick to the hospital today, where they will do a medication adjustment and from there he will go to a nursing home. I cried all the way home. I know it's the right thing to do... In my mind, but he is the love of my life, and i left him there, knowing he wouldn't be coming home. I can't stop the tears. My dear friend, who came over to walk the dogs for me, while I was at the hosp, came over to share a drink with me, and commiserate. But you can't know the feeling of being a traitor to your love that experience. God, please let me know I've dont the right thing. Please.
chris r You're feeling just like I am, I feel like a traitor too, he trusted me so much to care for him and I've had to let him go - I'll never get over it. I just had reached the end of the rope, as he couldn't sleep night or day, couldn't sit still and is blind so couldn't find his way in the house. He was just the most wonderful husband, companion and love of my life too. What a sad sack I feel and sound !!
It was strange the other day. First time in over a year since my DH was placed. Out of the blue, he asked me why he was there. I told him that he couldn't walk and kept falling and i couldn't pick him up. I told him that I would never forget him and would visit him all the time (which I do). He very calmly accepted my answer. That little door in the head opens and closes. Now yesterday he was talking up a storm but none of it made any sense. Maybe it did to him.